Hi Zirconia,
I am sorry you had reason to go looking for this forum, but I am glad that you found it.
I would like to thank everyone, stunning really, I expected a quick shrug of the shoulders, it doesn't make sense I was this dense, then I read these replies and for the third time in 4 weeks I am smiling. I can't believe it, I read a post from someone who has been at this as long as I have and kids my age. I read posts with great advice. Every post has been positive.
There are more than sixty thousand members of the Surviving Infidelity forum, and there is nothing dense about trusting someone who betrayed that trust. It is the betrayers who are dense; they spoil something good for the sake of a shabby, tawdry affair. No, we are not the dense ones.
Both of us work, kids are on their own now and doing well, so I have no dog in the hunt, as it were, I am going to do what I want.
I think that your wife’s actions should be a wake-up call for you and what you are doing with your life. You have worked hard for three solid decades, to provide for your wife and kids, and you have done an excellent job of it.
However, you now find yourself in a position where your kids are grown and establishing their own lives, and your wife is sneaking around hotels with guys from work.
So might it not be time to take the pressure off yourself to be doing long days to stockpile cash that you have very little time to enjoy? Would it be possible for you to start cutting back your hours, even if it means a drop in income, and enjoying a hobby you have neglected, or taking up a new one?
It strikes me that you may be like a lot of men and women who create a role for themselves in life, and just stick at it for decades, even when they could afford to take their foot off the accelerator and do something for themselves instead of always working for someone else’s benefit.
How much longer do you need to do keep doing it?
I have known a couple of guys who kept pushing themselves until they dropped dead at work, quite literally. They made a ton of money, but never enjoyed it, and all it meant was their widow got a big inheritance. Given what your wife has been doing, I would guess that working until you drop to leave her a big pile of money is probably less of a priority than it once was. And rightly so too.
Zirconia, this horrible episode can be a positive turning point in your life if it makes you reduce the amount you are working, so that you can take time to rediscover who you are, as an individual, rather than as a dedicated guardian and provider for your wife and kids.
You said that you have been enjoying seeing friends you hardly see. Great, keep that up. What interests and hobbies do you have? Can you renew them? Is there a hobby you always wanted to try, but never had the time? Why not make the time now? You have looked after everyone else like a champ, now start looking after yourself.
In terms of the marriage, I think you have a very wise handle on it when you write:
48 hours later she said she was broken, didn't deserve me, we should do counselling. I don't feel like there is a we anymore so maybe counselling some day but I need time to myself.
Why do you need counselling? Your wife needs it, because she let both of you down and ruined something good because she took you for granted and felt entitled to do it. The general rule that experience has taught people in these forums is that a period of individual counselling, with a counsellor who knows about infidelity (not just a general counselor) should always precede marriage counselling.
If you feel the need for individual counselling, by all means have it, but do not enter marriage counselling until after your wife has done enough individual counselling to be able to explain why she did what she did to the marriage, and to you.
As for there not being a ‘we’ anymore, I think you are right about that being gone, at least for the time being. There is now a ‘you’ and ‘her’, and it is entirely up to you whether or not you want to put work into rebuilding that, or whether this is a time for you to get to know who you are, and what you want to be, without worrying about anyone else for the first time in decades. So why rush straight back into the marriage? Why not take a break from it yourself, just as your wife did? Indulge yourself a bit, go fishing, go and visit pals.
In terms of practicalities, it sounds like you are eating properly, and enjoying exercise, which is great to hear. Please keep an eye on that; some people almost stop eating and neglect themselves.
Another practicality is STD testing for both of you. That has already been mentioned, and please do not put that off, because neither you nor your wife have any idea who else her boyfriend may have been sleeping with.
If your wife’s affair partner is married, or has a girlfriend, she really should be told about what he has been doing, so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to stay with him. If you know the affair partner’s name and have a phone number or email address for him, a private investigator can find her details very easily. It is actually scary how much can be found on the basis of just a few details!
It took me all of about an hour to figure out from credit cards that it had been going on for three months.
If your wife was using joint credit cards or drawing on joint bank accounts to fund her affair, she was effectively spending your money on it. Learn a lesson from that. If you have a shared account with your wife, take half of the contents, plus the total racked up on credit cards that funded her affair, and put it into a new, separate account for yourself. If your wife wants to fund affairs, the least she can do is pay for them herself.
On the subject of financial realities, it would be worth going to see an attorney to get a picture of what divorce would look like. Doing that does not commit you to getting divorced, it just means you know what you would be getting into if you do decide to go that route.
How do you feel about your wife continuing to work with her affair partner? Opinion is divided about how wise it is for people to continue to work together after an affair (as it can prolong the affair), with many feeling one of the pair should leave the workplace. The flipside of that is that the last thing you need is for your wife to be jobless if you are considering divorce. If that is the case, she may as well stay where she is.
Above and beyond everything else, you will get through this, Zirconia. Everyone does, in their own way, and the process of talking over ideas and options in forums like these is to find what works for you and what doesn’t, and to use those ideas as the building blocks for the rebuilding of your life, whether it is with or without your wife.
People here are rooting for you, whatever you decide is the right decision for you.
