Hi BR,
This has been a hell of a hard thing for you to come to grips with, but I have to say that you are doing the right things with a drive, stability and resilience that many would envy.
You are steadily establishing the facts, shining light into dark corners, and getting insight into the character of everyone who was involved.
I can see why some of the posts here are frustrating to read, but the reason why there are so many conspiracy theories and so much doubt about the integrity and intent of anyone involved in infidelity is because - sadly - those things have genuinely occurred in other cases.
When I "regroup" and my emotions calm a little I will try to write a much more complete accounting of what I have discovered. It is fucking hard.!!!
Please try to build in some time away from focusing on this, BR. It is a hugely emotive issue to deal with, and if you do not cut yourself some slack and schedule some time-outs, you will end up exhausted. And that will do no-one any good.
As an athlete/sportsman, I am sure you know about nutrition and looking after yourself, but please make sure that you do not neglect yourself because your focus is on this.
Do you have pals you could visit, or hobbies you could do, to give yourself regular breaks and focus on other things? It could even just be going to a movie, or going to workout. Anything that takes your mind somewhere else.
It is not going to be in my best interests to personally confront or threaten either of these two. What do I gain other than probably hurting someone and winding up posting bail. They are blocked and she could have deleted a lot and did not. Unless I go to one of these races it is highly unlikely I will run into either of them.
A great many people indulge in revenge fantasies, but life is not a Martin Scorsese movie. The reality is that jails are full of people who thought they could act like a 'Goodfella' and get away with it.
The truth is that beyond the possible cathartic release in the moment or the delusion that we are somehow evening the score, even a world class pounding with a Louisville Slugger does not undo a single thing or reduce the pain of betrayal. It just means we may wind up getting sued by a lowlife POS, or doing time. So is it a wise choice to become obsessed with hurting someone else when we should be focusing on dealing with our own pain? The answer has to be 'no'.
She has told me that she will do whatever I want. Quit job if I want. Quit running in any races if I ask.
That is good, but it will be a while until you feel calm enough to put together a plan to build a 'safe' new dynamic with your wife. So it would not be smart to make too many drastic moves immediately. For example, if you end up going the divorce route, it is better for you for your wife to be working and earning than unemployed and without an independent means of support.
When you feel more settled, and if you are going to stay together, the two of you can sit down and figure out all the ways your wife can keep herself out of trouble, and prove to you that she is doing it.
The two of you are intelligent people, and I am sure that you can find some compromises along the line can work, and which may be more reasonable than a complete end to something, like your wife's running.
Obviously, it is important for your wife to get off the circuit she has been on, because she is bound to encounter her APs, but there have to be ways that your wife can continue to run that do not lead to her in a hotel room with some creep, or every woman who runs would be doing the same thing! So looking for those 'safe' options is something to explore before axing the hobby completely.
She is in a very bad depressed state, and she deserves it.
I think that hitting rock bottom is an essential part of a wayward spouse's journey towards regaining a realistic perspective on their actions and bursting the fantasy bubble in which their cheating occurred. A person cannot bounce back until they hit rock bottom.
She has contacted a few therapists to get information. I told her if she goes to a therapist she is signing off on me being allowed to be advised of the results and to meet with the therapist. I am NOT having some moron i do not even know telling her not to divulge stuff or to start shifting this to her fucking childhood. I am not buying that. !!!
Many people here go through a few therapists before they find a good one that strikes the right chord with them. In this case, your wife needs individual counseling. It is worth calling around to find one who knows about infidelity, because not all of them do.
Some marriage counselors are terrible. They can tell a betrayed spouse that unless they shut up and pretend infidelity never happened, they are the ones with the problem, and they need to do a lot of work on themselves! Which deserves the response, "Did you find your diploma in a box of Cheerios?", followed by, "Do you have the phone number of a better counselor that we can use?"
I am still processing and trying to be as rational as possible, which is not my strongest quality when I am this agitated.
To reiterate what I said at the beginning of this post, you are doing a lot better than many of us did, and I think you already have a good handle on what you need. The endgame may not be clear at the moment, but I believe you are taking the right steps to achieve that clarity.
