SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TL;DR

My wife (stay at home mom, married 10yrs, 2 kids) had a long-distance long-term affair 8mo ago. I confronted her, we resolved, and she “broke it off with him”. Now she just had a one night fling with a guy #2, and long-distance guy #1 is back. This time she doesn’t know that I know. I have a lawyer drafting up separation terms. Plan to confront her next week with docs in hand. Would appreciate any advice you have on how to approach her next week.

Fantasy outcome is we fix things for good, keep the family together, I still really love her and the kids, have never had a desire to leave. But I’m not irrational, with a repeat problem like this I think odds are less than 1% of that working out.

Long backstory below, Skip to the next post for my current plan on how to confront her.

Long backstory:

On Christmas Eve last year my wife fell asleep with her phone on. When I went to plug it in for her I saw an Instagram DM chat open with another guy (mutual friend) living on the opposite side of the country. Very sexual, nude photos (same ones she texted me, sent to him on the exact same date/time). I was horrified. They talked about getting married, moving in together, having my two kids and his kids (he’s recently divorced) all in one big family. It seemed like a purely emotional and long-distance relationship, until I found a photo of them clothed cuddling in a hotel bed together in our city. I distinctly remembered that night seeing her iPhone location somewhere unusual that evening when she came home a little late, thinking it was odd, but deciding (foolishly) to just trust her. She was also making plans for him to visit a second time during my upcoming business trip.

The whole thing made me sick to my stomach, and completely furious to find all of this. I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Just lay in bed next to her seething. So I got in her phone and took a few hundred screenshots and emailed and send them to myself.

I hadn’t yet confronted her when she found the screenshots in her deleted folder and asked if I had gone through her phone. It was clear that I was very angry, but I’m a calm and measured person, I can hold my emotion in well, and express it only when I choose. On top of that we were traveling to visit family for Christmas and didn’t want to make any scene in front of them or the kids. I was really hurt, she said she “accidentally fell in love” during a brief period when I was being treated for depression earlier that year and was seeing a therapist, all of which is extra shitty. She felt like garbage for hurting me, immediately said she chose me over him without question, then she broke it off with the other guy, and begged me to delete the screenshots. I finally forgave her (on our 9th anniversary) and deleted the screenshots off my phone.

What she didn’t know was that I went to Instagram and requested to download the entire file of 30,000 messages between the two of them. At first I read through all the messages from the beginning Just trying to understand her point of view of how she fell in love with this guy. But decided it was too hard for me, so just hid them away on a hard drive.

Fast forward 8 months.

Wife is acting strange, so I look at her iMessages on her laptop. Found a text of her admitting to a friend she kissed a second guy at an event she went to with lots of drinking involved. I was bothered by this but it felt minor compared to the last affair, but decided to keep an eye on it. Since I had kept my phone logged into her Instagram I find a DM thread between her and guy #2 that she kissed. I followed it every day for a few weeks and see him being reluctant to see her because she’s married, him asking Her to leave him alone and not contact her, and her relentlessly pursuing guy #2 until I leave town for one night and he finally caves and comes over at 2am. No proof anything physical happened, but I’m not an idiot...

At this point I meet with a divorce lawyer, ask him to help me file for separation. I want to know all my rights/responsibilities before I confront her, since I’m about to receive a significant financial windfall and want to be careful to keep her from getting half of everything that is to come. More importantly I don’t want to lose any time with my kids.

While my lawyer is helping with the documents, I keep acting like all is totally normal and I take a weekend trip with my wife and kids. While packing up the hotel room I go though her phone and find hidden away in WhatsApp a message thread with no name. Turns out it’s guy #1 from 8 months ago. I quickly download the app for my computer, and log in as her (thank you WhatsApp for making this super easy with no password required) now I am watching them message each other in real-time without her knowing. Turns out she never really “broke it off” with guy #1, she had kept their long distance relationship going this whole time. Now she is planning for him to fly out to visit her while I am traveling for work next week. I’ve left a audio recorder and hidden video camera in the bedroom. I don’t know why I did, it’s not going to change anything and I already have a heap of proof of what she’s done, But just felt a little helpless in this situation and being out of town, plus lawyer isn’t finished with docs yet so I’m not ready to confront her, this was just a last desperate attempt to do at least something about it. Will let you know what happens here next week.

I’ve tried to figure out why, and understand exactly what is going on inside her head. But I genuinely don’t get it. We’re both very laid back, probably fight only about once per year. We have very little stress, a lot of money for our age, lots of free time. She has a very good life and no need to work living with me, and both other guys don’t really seem like they have anything to offer her (neither are that attractive or physically fit, haven’t really done much with their lives, etc). We both love spending time together with the kids, we have sex 3-5 times per week, both very attracted to each other, we work out together, and are very open and honest with each other (at least I thought...)

At this point I’ve felt every emotion possible, devastated, furious, betrayed, dreading dating again, hoping we can stay married, but basically regretfully resigning to a new life of being separated. I’ve been faking happy/clueless for the last two weeks, at this point i’m just numb and ready to do something about it.

Here is my plan:

Preparation (one night while she is out):

- Pick up legal separation docs for her to sign

- Pack her a bag of clothes

- Freeze our joint bank accounts, credit cards, and all but one debit card with a few hundred dollars on it

- take away her keys to our house

- rent out an AirBnB for her to stay in a few weeks

I’m going to wait for the kids to go to bed on a Friday night, sit her down, and tell her I want to talk. At some point explain the following:

- I love her, but clearly she wants something that i’m Unable to give her

- tell her I know she has been having an affair

- maybe tell her everything I know (leaning towards not doing this)

- maybe leave it open ended. Ask he what she has done. She doesn’t know I have proof on everything she’s said online to guy #1 and #2 so would be telling to see if she continues to lie and hide and cover things up, or if she admits to everything.

- maybe show her proof I have, maybe keep her in the dark on how I know what I know

- tell her she needs to leave, I don’t want her living with me, she needs to get out until we figure out how to resolve everything

- tell her my mom is flying out to take care of the kids while she is kicked out. (This will crush her knowing my mom knows about this, unfortunately will be hard to ever have my mom look her in the eye again, once I do this I can’t undo it...)

- maybe tell her I am telling my two sisters or her mom about her affairs (leaning against doing this, my sisters are now her 2 closest friends, from past 10 years, this would destroy both friendships, )

- tell her I don’t want to see her until she’s ready to sign the separation papers and and has been tested for STDs

- tell her she can come see the kids whenever, pick them up from school, etc. Just can’t have them with her overnight, and can’t be in our house alone without me or my mom there.

Anything else I should say or do??

In the end I really don’t think she will do anything to fight, or do anything irrational with kids or money. I’m almost positive she’ll apologize and beg to come back.

But instead of brushing it all under the rug this time, I want her to feel that this is real. That’s what all this is for. She needs to see what she did has destroyed our family, all of my trust in her, and she’ll now be on her own. I don’t want to punish her, just want her to realize the consequences for her terrible actions are real.

Maybe after a lot of healing I’ll come around and let her move back in, but I just have a hard time thinking anything will ever change with her.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

You can not legally kick her out of the house. You can ask her to leave but she can decline and you can not force her.

I would just file. Anytime a woman brings a man into your house there is a risk to your children, you and even your wife.

I am also big on exposure as well.

Your plan is fine and well thought out. I doubt she will fight it. To me she does not seem to be committed to your M. This is so terrible that someone with two small children is willing to disrupt and destroy their lives for some cheap, selfish sexual escapades. I would not reveal you know everything. You know enough. This is not a court of law. Simply tell her you know she is cheating. You KNOW! Don’t reveal your sources. Tell her there is not room for three people in your M and you are unwilling to share. Have her sign the separation papers. Do not argue or accept blame. She may try to drag you into an argument. Don’t do it. Be calm, firm and discuss moving forward separately that it. Don’t bluff. She will tell when you mean it. Good luck.

Expose her to everyone. Once you tell your mom, she's not going to hide it from her sisters. And if your family knows, hers should too. She's the one who chose to destroy her life, her relationship with her SILs is collateral damage.

Go over the plan with your lawyer too. Even if can't legally demand that she leave the marital home but if you tell her that the arrangements have already been made for her to live elsewhere and that your mom is set fly in for childcare needs, she's unlikely to push back in the moment. Be prepared for her come back after a few days with a lot of bravado about how you can't put her out. Just stand firm in saying you and the kids don't need her presence.

IMHO, you should get the ball rolling by having her served with divorce papers, at work, on Friday. Separation is just the first step anyway and she'll see that you are serious.

Just file for D and have her served without warning, D takes a long time and can be stopped at any time, also EXPOSE to ALL family and close friends, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, it typically takes the excitement away from it and replaces it with shame, sounds like she's a serial cheater and I recommend you cut your losses now, she broke her vows and killed the M the second she DECIDED to cheat, moreover she never stopped even after confrontation and even got herself a 2nd boyfriend, she's definitely not wife material.

However if you insist on R, after FULL EXPOSURE with everyone, demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), agrees to sign a postnuptial agreement where you're protected (no alimony, she does't touch your retirement and you get the lion's share of marital assets), tell OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any,agrees to full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices, demand a written timeline of her As, have her send an NC letter to both OMs and the friend who she told (she's not friends of the M), another consequence for her huge betrayal, also demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys", if she doesn't show true remorse (not just regret for being caught yet again) and does the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

Don't destroy the evidence you have and NEVER reveal your sources (they may come in handy during the D negotiations), just tell her you know, confront her before the guy comes to town, you already have enough, throw a wrench at their plans, if possible I would just cancel the trip on a family emergency and surprise them, get a VAR (voice activated recorder) just in case.

My advice, If she cheated more than once just file and serve her! Trust me until she addressed the issues within her, This pattern will repeat! Understand you did noting to make her cheat. You are in the same marriage she is in, Yet you remained faithful. Until she addresses her issues, The only thing you can do is move on for you and your kids betterment and let her sort out her issues! Maybe in the future you two can find your way back to one another, But for now you have to move on. Just my opinion.....

Like others have said, you can’t kick her out, be prepared that she will refuse to leave her kids.

Common tactics of the Wayward during a confrontation:

- gas lighting (it’s not what you think)

- minimizing (only a kiss)

- blame shifting (you were not there for me)

Don’t accept any of that. You can even refuse to argue. "It’s your fault because..." "I’m sorry you feel that way" (no arguments) "nothing physical happened" "I’m sorry you feel that way".

You might want to wear a VAR in case it turns ugly and she claims false DV.

Oh and you can tell your sisters, it’s not your job to hide her affairs, you will need their support.

This is no more than my take on different kinds of cheating. Someone falls in love and does the cowardly thing of cheating as an exit affair. This is different. She is fishing for sexual partners. I am no expert but she does not appear to hold you, your children or your marriage in importance. You need to be honest with yourself. Do you ever see this as something she will stop? Do you think you want to be the marriage police?

Sorry this is happening to you.

I believe you are doing it right and preparing yourself well.

If you are decided to D, then, please expose the A and tell both families the truth.

When you confront her, I am almost 100% sure she will beg for reconciliation, promise you never to do it again and eventually blame you for considering to break up the family. If you cave in too easy she will then try to rug sweep everything and eventually repeat whenever she feels its safe again.

Based on your description of your Marriage it looks like she has real big issues. Emotional personal issues. If you consider Reconciliation. It's going to be a long road, especially for you. Expect at least the next 2 to 3 years to be very miserable.

You have a great plan for Confrontation. Thats good.

Now you need to be prepared for the most probable outcomes.

1.She Leaves and you D. (Thats taken care of)

2. She leaves because she wants a separation because she's going through some stuff needs to figure herself out, LYBNILWY, and asks for temporary separation. (So she can look for your replacement and keep you as a plan B)

2.She wants Reconciliation. (Because she really want her cake and eat it too)

YOU NEED a strong plan in case YOU decide to GIVE her the gift of Reconciliation.

Going to IC at least once a week

What she needs to do to become a safe partner.

What she needs to do to prove to she really loves you

What is she going to do to create safe boundaries around men

Why is she actively looking for other men and Affair.

Honesty, total transparency

No more partying and going out unless has a couple,

... etc

Definitely expose to all of your close family, both yours and hers.

What I would not do is tell her what you know or how you know it, simply file for D, protect your finances, and expose. Keep your info and sources close to the vest.

What happens to her after that is out of your control, but do protect yourself with a VAR or GoPro.

Do your best to do the 180 and gray rock, don’t let anything she does or says get you flustered.

You already confronted her once.

She knows the score.

How many time do you need to confront her before you figure out she is just not into you?

Just let her go!

Focus on a co parenting plan and then go from there.

Right now she is not a safe partner, she had a chance to affair proof the marriage and she made the choice to abandon this family unit by continuing this unhealthy behavior.

IMHO...it not about you, it's not about the others guys, it's about her and for some reason she is broken and until she figures it out you can't expect her to commit to this family in an emotionally healthy way.

She just doesn't have the tools to have a healthy relationship right now. Until she gets the help she needs you can only be there for your kid and get out of this toxic family unit and focus on parenting.

We don't know "why" hell you may never know "why" but she threw away a second chance and with out consequences bad behavior continues.

I suggest you move through a divorce plan covertly and when all your duck are lined up, then pull the trigger and ….just let her go!

I have a feeling a unprepared second confrontation will only make it tougher for your kid and you.

Make a plan and work the plan. Another confrontation will just bring you more doubt and limbo.

Please....just let her go!

I think Buster123 hits all the right notes above. I will say you are doing a great job in a really terrible situation.

A few other things: what did the lawyer say about protecting your upcoming financail windfall? Is separation enough to do that? If not, it is another reason to consider filing for D right away. You can always stop it and R if she ends up deciding to do the difficult work to repair herself and heal you.

I agree that chances of R are not good. She needs a lot of work to fix herself. The messages you quoted... she loves him, wants to marry him, take your kids and meld them with his kids to make a family. That's deep betrayal. And she's coercing another guy to sleep with her too. She is broken. Can R work? Yes, there's always a chance but this will be a tough one.

The one thing I am not sure about.... does the audio and VAR, if they produce evidence this week, help you in court? Has your lawyer confirmed this?

The reason I ask is that I hear you saying you want R if she'll do the work. If that is really how you feel, why let her have this guy over your house this week? If it will help you in court... if you are in an at fault state, ok then, maybe that is wise. If not, I'd consider upsetting the apple cart altogether. Either pour ice water on her before the separation papers are ready and before your trip or, better yet, cancel the trip without telling her. Tell your boss you have a family emergency and cannot travel. Then either leave the house as if you are travelling but show up right before the arrival of the POSOM to catch them or come home normal time and tell her my trip is cancelled and let her squirm and reveal the whole,thing herself through her panic.

Just for my personal sanity, if it was me, I would not allow them to meet in your home this week. No way. And I dont think you mentioned, is POSOM married? If so, get in touch with his wife asap.

[This message edited by Trdd at 9:36 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

In short let the summons for divorce speak for it's self and just let the lawyers do their job.

What can you really say to her that wasn't already said on the 1st confrontation?

Sorry man but you gave her a chance the 1st time around.....it's time to ghost her from her on out.

The first time like most all you hot was shock and redrew of getting caught. She went into self preservation mode but nothing changed. Aaannnnndddd the affair probably never ended. She just got better at hiding it or they took some time off to let things cool down a bit.

You'd better get documents in place to protect yourself financially ASAP.

Google serial cheaters. You may only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Sounds like you're preparing well. If I were you I'd stay out of the hopium addiction. You cant fix her. She may not be able to fix herself.

I'd get an STD test too. Pronto

[This message edited by Marz at 11:12 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

In short let the summons for divorce speak for it's self and just let the lawyers do their job.

What can you really say to her that wasn't already said on the 1st confrontation?

Sorry man but you gave her a chance the 1st time around.....it's time to ghost her from her on out.

I wouldn't confront either. She knows she's cheating.

Get a post nup to even consider reconciliation - if it comes to that.

Your money is yours and not to be considered marital assets in the event of a D.

If she is on the deed to the house you cannot legally keep her out without a judge sign off. Also be prepared for her not wanting to leave the kids. No judge will give you permission to have your mother care for them as long as your wife is not working and has been their caregiver since birth. Infidelity isn’t enough in most states to grant the betrayed spouse(you, in this case), what you are proposing.

I know you are angry, hurting, sad, maybe a little pride hurt. Please think hard about your approach as far as your kids are concerned. Keeping them stable and happy during this process should be the main goal.

ETA: I am not on her side. I am a BS and tomorrow is my 5th DDay anniversary. My kids were teenagers and preteen at the time and I put my focus on them. We reconciled and they still are affected today by the affair.

Also, if you have any ideas of ever reconciling with her (she seems like a serial cheater however), be cautious with what you share and with whom. Once people know that about your spouse, some of them will act differently toward you.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 11:16 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

Go all the way through with divorce and that way you keep all the windfall. No more marriage for her. Ever. Cohabitation at best. Keeping you should be more than enough and would be extremely benevolent on your behalf after all of this.

Keep doing what you are doing!

I wouldn't tell her how you know anything when you confront, but maybe bust her a couple of times when she lies.

I am not a lawyer or a divorce specialist, but I think to protect your windfall and your own heart, sanity, and self-respect, you need to divorce this woman.