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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
My point is that the CP who accepts that he is the problem is this situation and works to change himself regardless of what the BP does is the one who truly gets it.
See, I think that’s why my situation is what it is. In our first marriage, I was absolutely the problem, even before I cheated (which was only two years in 
). In this marriage, I am so NOT the problem. I have tried, and tried, and tried to get him to engage with me. He just won’t (maybe can’t). I simply refuse to spin my wheels anymore. I was doing the “pick me!” dance without an AP on his end to compete against—just competing against whatever goes on in the psyche of someone on the spectrum that makes him unable to have quality, productive interpersonal relationships.
I was a damn fool to have kids with him—not only because we got one just like him, but because now I’m trapped.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
Justgetitoverwith ( member #70459) posted at 3:35 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
*oldandbusted* I have just caught up with this thread, and notice back on page 2 you quoted something I'd said about WS not expecting the same level of openness as before, your reply being:
Sword of Damocles? Forever considered less? These don't sound like loving relationships where both partners are valued equally. This sounds like punishment. Pass.
And you'd also stated it was a comment from someone supposedly in R.
Firstly, I do not consider us in R. We are in limbo, caused by his continual lying and lack of effort in any way after dday.
Secondly, you are correct. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship. Because if you love someone you don't f*ck someone else behind their back for months, act in many other disrespectful and inappropriate ways, and lie about all of it. He certainly hasn't treated me like an equally valued partner, either. In many ways, which I don't need to go into here.
WS needs to *earn* that preA level of love and trust back. And I'm certainly not going to be 'all in' again until he has proved his commitment to this. I've already done that on two different issues (ons, and him saying he's leaving for no reason, which turned out to be the PA). I'd be a total idiot to give him the preA level of openness, given he totally took advantage of it previously.
northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
Every major life or financial fork after D-Day, I evaluated with how it would be in the future for me and my family and husband if we remained married vs if we divorced in the worst possible way tomorrow and the burden was all on my shoulders.
^^^^^
I too look at things this way. Children are not a consideration. I enjoy his company most of the time. None of that changes the fact that he broke our marital covenant. Each of us has to decide what is acceptable for marriage. What we have now works for me for now.
The only person you can change is yourself.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, September 16th, 2019
Sorry there is no way in hell I'm going to be honest about my next step. Like others have said everyone here has a different WS. Mine is a monster. Never got help, continued to cheat, found out he is NPD, yadda yadda. Guess what he doesn't deserve the truth after everything he's put me through.
Secondly, you are correct. It doesn't sound like a loving relationship. Because if you love someone you don't f*ck someone else behind their back for months, act in many other disrespectful and inappropriate ways, and lie about all of it. He certainly hasn't treated me like an equally valued partner, either. In many ways, which I don't need to go into here.
WS needs to *earn* that preA level of love and trust back. And I'm certainly not going to be 'all in' again until he has proved his commitment to this. I've already done that on two different issues (ons, and him saying he's leaving for no reason, which turned out to be the PA). I'd be a total idiot to give him the preA level of openness, given he totally took advantage of it previously.
^^^Amen to that!
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:46 PM, September 16th (Monday)]
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
waryaries ( member #60980) posted at 11:29 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019
Yes , I agree to most of the comments here .
It will be hard on children when they are young but when they are old enough to understand the relationships it is better to part the ways and enjoy rest of life alone or with a partner you can trust.
You can only marry a person once . Once the marriage is over reconciliation is an adjustment .
Betrayed Spouse
She cheated for years
Continue to lie, don't care if she cheats
Staying for Kids
Now VERY happy with new version of life.
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