SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am staying married right now because of my kids and I am completely honest with WS about it. I have also been honest that I am not willing to do that forever. I identify with the dads that say they do not want to be relegated to part time parent.

The unfortunate reality is that our marriage changed in big ways for me. I used to want to spend lots of time together without the kids, now a little goes a long way. I used to tolerate bad behavior from her family or spend time with friends of hers that I did not care to see. Now, I put my foot down with the family, and with her friends I make sure I am doing what I want to do, which means not spending much time with them.

I do a lot more of what I want to do, which is mostly centered on my children. I prioritize my relationship with my kids. I make sure that I am super dad, I treat their mother in the way that I want to model relationships to them, and I make sure that I am the source of my own happiness.

I am willing to entertain the option that our marriage becomes something I would want to continue without kids, and I am also totally okay if that is not the case. I have no fear anymore about losing my marriage, but I still care about maintaining my integrity. My marriage did not turn out to be anything like the relationship I built, hoped for, and worked for. Spending a lot of time reading here, it seems like WSs are generally more optimistic about long term R because for them, it is possible for their marriage to be better and more authentic than what they put into it in the past, and this is not really true for a faithful BS.

Years pre-infidelity, I had a friend who experienced it. We didn't talk about it often, but I asked her a few years after about the state of her marriage. She said something like - I evaluate my marriage more, and I get to divorce quicker. I identify with that after DDay.

Every major life or financial fork after D-Day, I evaluated with how it would be in the future for me and my family and husband if we remained married vs if we divorced in the worst possible way tomorrow and the burden was all on my shoulders. Children leaving home is major.

I would be surprised if others didn't do that. Previously, there was a commitment to my marriage commitment and my family's well being that I held onto in the roughest periods of my marriage. I made a vow and had to give my all. I thought my partner did too. That's what made it OK. I didn't feel that way after DDay. My partner showed clearly he didnt think that way. That's the part of the stool he kicked out.

I don't think I lie or hide feelings, but I don't evaluate the future as I did. Thats naive. You don't ever earn that back trust totally. A reformed addict is less likely to relapse? Umm, no. They've shown a propensity for that behavior.

Why stay if I can't ever fully be vulnerable? Not saying I'm staying or leaving, but I realize that i will never act vulnerable enough that a shoe can't drop any freaking time for any freaking reason in any freaking marriage. It's a permanent part of my personality now.

It's a catch 22. I get it. I'm OK with it. Anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me will have to be too.

Human trampoline,

In that explanation I can relate from a ws angle. Only In that I thought we were going to get a divorce for long enough that I accepted it in many levels. I didn’t want a divorce but I know that if I got one that both H and I would eventually be okay. It’s facing a fear in many ways and I don’t know that it’s quite the fear it is before you do that processing. And it does effect major financial decisions moving forward. There is uncertainty on both sides Even with no plan for ending the marriage in place. I bought a car earlier this year. We financed it in my name only, and it is something I can afford. We didn’t discuss it but inherently we both understood.

I guess more my post was about white knuckling your way through the rest of the marriage until which time the kids leave. I can understand a bs trying to see where the marriage can go. I can understand why they wouldn’t trust their ws or maybe any future spouse with the same level they once could. I am more speaking to the need of personal p ace and to the level it can be reached. I do very much love my husband and want to be married to him. Getting to that level took a path it should not have. But I don’t want to do it at his expense. His personal peace is something I want for him, and I guess my earlier post was extending the same feeling towards the other here in some levels. But we all have our own personal complications and we all have different expectations of marriage. And I get that too. It’s not meant as a criticism of those there trying, it’s more a strength that I truly wanted to understand better. But your post made sense, just I guess more my question was more of personal fulfillment. Having a different lens of marriage does not necessarily equal lack of peace or unhappiness, but in some of the posts on this thread it surely sounds that way to me.

And, maybe we shouldn't chastise the BS who can't be honest with their WS, and tell them they won't allow their WS to dictate who they want to be. A WS has abused their BS and their kids. Maybe the BS needs to bide their time while they get their ducks in a row. They have to play pretend,to protect themselves from their abuser. Being honest with a person who has caused you enormous harm sometimes isn't a smart move.

Thank You!!! This^^^ especially when you are going to be leaving a Narc!

I have low tolerance for divorce where infidelity and genuine abuse is not present.

Infidelity is abuse !

It has been mentioned about the example being set, a model for marriage.

Divorce is also a model.

My ex married her AP, whom she knew before we ever met. She clearly preferred him to me all along. He has "stepped in", now step father to my children. Only the oldest of mine is old enough to remember the ex and I as a couple. I no longer have any regard for my former relationship whatsoever. I'd get an annulment and be due one due to fraud if it affected anything. Also wouldn't want to give that asshole any more credence as a father.

Anyway, is that "family" a good model for my children? I have not remarried. I didn't have someone waiting in the wings. 3 kids is a lot. I do not have a lot of money or leeway. At this point I would likely mistrust someone whom I did not know for years. The GF has been a few years now, maybe that will pan out.

So that is my kids' model. One of my kids tells me that they wished Mom was with both myself and the AP. What is their model? That you can have everything, branch swing to a brand new hubby if you set things up right? That the conniving win out? What is the model here?

Cocoplus, I apologize if I singled you out and tried to equate my situation to yours.

DK, I didn't think you singled me out. My comments about happiness weren't in response to any of your posts, unless I got them mixed up. It was in response to other posters who have assumed that a BS must be unhappy, lying, faking it, in constant conflict with their CS if they consider D as an option once the kids are older. I really like what humantrampoline said.

Striver, you make an excellent point. Sadly, it sounds like there is no way to have a good model with your XCW. One thing that keeps me married is that I know I could not handle another woman playing Mom to my kids. I would lose it.

My parents divorced when I was 4 because my mother cheated. She had an OC. My mother did not end up with the OM. He was married, too, and had no intention of leaving his family. She never remarried, either. She was a horrible person and a horrible example of anything. My father remarried. My stepmom was more of a mom to me than my bio mom ever could be. I wish I could've lived with my dad instead of my mom.

My fch came from a very Leave it to Beaver intact family. He cheated. I didn't. You never know.

Cocoplus5nuts on this thread you have written two very different things:

One thing that keeps me married is that I know I could not handle another woman playing Mom to my kids. I would lose it.

and

I still consider divorcing for many reasons...You can't unring that bell. It will forever be a possible dealbreaker.

and

D has always been an option for me

Can you really have it both ways? Divorce is constantly an option but thought of stepmom is unbearable? Am I missing something?

Colus. Spot on! I agree with everything you said.

Spending a lot of time reading here, it seems like WSs are generally more optimistic about long term R because for them, it is possible for their marriage to be better and more authentic than what they put into it in the past, and this is not really true for a faithful BS

Completely agree with this, my WW has nothing but better days to look forward to, while I know things will never be what I wanted and worked for in my M.

It is what it is, and it’s up to me to find my own happiness...I will never look to her or the M for that again, they are just along for the ride.

If both work on M and their own issues. They wont D.

R is hard work. R is creating a NEW Marriage. Always, not just for a couple months/ years after dday.

If someone stays for the kids and prioritizes kids above everything else and are not actively working/ improving the romantic relationship that will lead to D.

Recover trust is possible. Never 100%. But, if we are honest, no one should ever trust 100% even before Infidelity. 99% yes.

[This message edited by LostWillow at 10:31 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Can you really have it both ways? Divorce is constantly an option but thought of stepmom is unbearable? Am I missing something

Yes, you can have it both ways. I am staying married for various reasons, my children being just one. I also know that D is always an option. I am not my fch's property. He does not own me. I don't need permission from anyone to leave him if I so choose.

Why is that hard to understand? Anyone can walk away from anything at any time. Every day, I choose to stay married, as does my fch. We choose the life we have right now. We can choose differently at any time.

Yes, LostWillow!

My fch knows that he has to forever work on himself and his issues and always strive to be a safe partner, a noncheater. ALWAYS and FOREVER! That's the price you pay for R.

I have always worked on my issues. I have a lot from growing up with a narcissist mother. Been in therapy off and on since I was 15 (I'm 49 now.). I am always evaluating myself, reading, learning, trying to be a decent person.

I am in a similar situation. I choose to stay for so many reasons.

First and foremost, he is my sole financial support. I am a 2x cancer survivor. I was left with chronic pancreatitis and a couple other chronic problems.

I had a super shitty life. Think Jerry Springer not Oprah. I was not a very good mom. I struggled with drugs and alcohol for a couple of years before I pulled my head out. My kids are adults now. My cheater is their "dad". They really need the stability. Their father molested them. I was putting him and the x that tried to kill me in prison at the same time.

I did the work. I got better. My kids told me I was ready to date. We picked my cheater together. They feel responsible. They want me to stay.

It's ok most of the time. I cry a lot. He is sweet, an cuddly. But he always was. He just mentally and verbally abuses me if I bring up the affair in any way. I know only that it was his cousin.

I'm just honestly trying to put the pieces back together. Still. I trusted him. Sorry. That got long.

Ordinary dude- that is an interesting perspective. And it’s probably both truth and my greatest fear. I do not want my husband to forever feel like he is giving something important up - which in your case sounds like that something is hope things will continue to get better. It makes sense with what I have read about trauma and self protection. When my husband talks it’s all about hope for the future but By being here it’s never clear if it’s a renewed outlook or the Hopium pipe you all speak about. Probably both at this point in time.

But I also think that because of the betrayal and the trauma and the overall illogical shit that goes into an affair the ability for the bs to empathize can only go so far. I don’t mean that as anything but another natural consequence of a ws (my) actions. No bs really wants to hear about a ws pain without cringing, pain and trying to numb it is usually what brought us to the point of the affair. And the bs response to that is completely understandable and I don’t know how anyone could ever expect different. But when you see that hope for the future and life getting better for us it’s not always delusional or being in a better place but we smoke our own hopium pipe. And we are not traumatized in the way that you are so we can hold it longer, we can accept it more because we are the indebted one. But it’s not because we are comfortable all the time, well maybe some of us surely are. But not the ones who work their asses off. If it’s all great for her I don’t think you can say at the same time that she gets it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:36 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

It's one thing to stick out R with someone who cheated "for the kids" but quite another to do so without that "excuse". A form of cognitive dissonance perhaps. We feel less psychological conflict when we do something that makes us uneasy and have an external excuse to blame it on, as in using the kids as our reason to stay and work it out. With that gone, we lose our excuse and have to justify why now to stay. For some, maybe they just can't find a good enough reason.

It is a sad situation, however we explain it. Lives will be changed once again. But leaving does provide the opportunity for a fresh start. That can look quite appealing, I imagine.

Psych mom- if you don’t mind can you elaborate? I don’t feel my h has those kinds of reasons to claim either. No kids at home, financially we can be separate without much difference in lifestyle. In some ways as a ws I read that as he is pretty free in his decision but my guess is that there is still a story being told there. I have talked to him about it but I feel like it’s hard for him to get what I am asking.

hikingout - I wouldn’t say I’m giving up hoping things get better, I’m just done making personal sacrifices for the betterment of the M or WW.

Thing are better, partly because I’ve let go of that and am more focused on myself these days. We both have the freedom to do so, and as long as she stays out of infidelity, I’m happy with it.

It’s simply a realization that the M can never again be what I wanted, and we have to make due with what we have now, that’s all.

Could it end in D? Most certainly if she is selfish and entitled again. Or we could grow very old together.

Time will tell.

Spending a lot of time reading here, it seems like WSs are generally more optimistic about long term R because for them, it is possible for their marriage to be better and more authentic than what they put into it in the past, and this is not really true for a faithful BS

Completely agree with this, my WW has nothing but better days to look forward to, while I know things will never be what I wanted and worked for in my M.

It is what it is, and it’s up to me to find my own happiness...I will never look to her or the M for that again, they are just along for the ride.

I feel the same as they do. In fact, my WH and I had that discussion the other night. His story post an A (that HE CHOSE), if he does all the work, is a story of being broken, being redeemed, becoming the person who he always wanted to be. With the added bonus of keeping his family, his reputation, and getting the change to try out a new girlfriend while married. MY STORY, is one of being broken, by no choice of my own, having my entire world-view shattered, and clawing my way BACK to being a person who believed there is good in the world and that I am worthy of love. The difference to me is that I *WAS* where my WH wanted to be. Now I have to deal with the resulting trauma from his actions just to try to be OK again. Of course my ever optimistic WH said that I should change that narrative to one where I got to remain a person of integrity and have the chance to show grace and forgiveness to someone who does not deserve it. He does admit though, that my pain is a very heavy burden to bear and while he hurts to see what he did to me and feels shame about his own integrity loss, he doesn't come close to knowing what that betrayal does to a person.

That's why divorce is always on the table. I just don't know if the pain can go away when I have to live with the person who hurt me.

Ordinarydude-

I get it now, I did understand when you said that you are now responsible for your own happiness, and I do think that’s a lesson that we ws folk have to grasp in order to become whole and also to get through the detachment period with bs.

The part that I was pointing at is that you said that your we had nothing but better days to look forward to and you know that things will never be what you wanted. That did sound hopeless to me without taking into account that you are satisfied with the arrangement now. Instead it sounds like a statement of you have no hope of things being what you want or maybe better. Not at all judging that but more trying to grasp that. I suspect this to be a common and natural assessment of a bs.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:56 AM, September 13th (Friday)]