SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not going to minimize anything.

I think most WS are like me, addicted to this in some way.

Its something that is as hard to control as an addiction to drugs.

Self esteem low or whatever the reason... its still something that clings to me.

I am here to stop the bullshit

That is great that you are here to stop it. What is your next step towards that goal. So far you’ve gone NC but I don’t know what else you plan to do as you haven’t spoken to that.

Just some lady. I have not read it yet.

I just made this decision yesterday. I'm going to sit down and focus. Right now i'm just trying to understand his appearance in my life after I cut him off totally in 2016 from everything. I was totally done and he chose to reappear again and i'm doing my best to not be the hole I appear to be

I'll make this comment. Explore why you are thinking about your AP. Explore why you are or were okay absolutely destroying other people's lives. Right now you are concentrating on what you are missing or longing for while at the same time the people that are collateral damage from your actions are ripped apart and splayed into pieces wondering why they weren't important enough to not even be considered when you have these thoughts or do these actions.

You see the consumption of thoughts about someone else or something else rather than living with what you have is the absolute problem. What are you looking for? What do you think you will get from that and why can't you get it from within?

It is like drug addiction or alcoholism. I'm going to numb myself to the point of not feeling anything just to feel better even knowing my family is here suffering while I do it. I will spend the money we don't have, I will shirk my responsibility to parent or partner so I can zone out and not feel and make myself feel better. Someone who is in the midst of substance abuse is abusing their loved ones because not only can then not be there for them, but they use resources (love, money, time) that should be allocated elsewhere.

Infidelity is the same. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Your thoughts and your actions mean you are stealing from what you have and hurting those around you.

This is a matter of getting out of your own head and finding empathy for others. Look at the destruction caused by the back and forth with your AP. It isn't about sex...if it was you'd be a sex addict.

Im a BH here. Wanted you to know before response. I'm not sure if anyone has asked this, but done your first husband know about the affair and this guy? I would to not know my wife had an affair, ended our marriage, and I did not know why. If he does know the full story, then good. Does your new husband know the full story as well? I would hope he does. And believe me, if you want this guy hone, tell your husband. Share any co tact immediately, and ask him how he wants it handled. Tell the POSAP that you told your husband everything. Tell never to contact you again or you will contact the police and report him for harrassment. To bad you never lost feeling for a man that helped you destroy your first marriage, and would do so with this current marriage.those feelings need to become indifference.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 9:03 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

If you don't believe you are cheating on your husband, then why doesn't he know you have been talking to this other man? Why keep it a secret? What did you talk to this man about? If your husband were talking, secretivly, to another woman,having the exact same conversations you are having with this man, what would you think was going on?

It doesn't matter why OM reappeared. It really doesn't. I agree with Luna. He hated you enough he wanted to kill you. He is trying to destroy your life now.

Have you blocked him?

Indifference what a lovely word. I CRAVE it. O want to obtain this beautiful place.

I am thinking of telling him I told my husband

Since he is afraid of my husband (from pictures etc) also bc being on here has made me feel intense anger toward him

If you tell AP anything, you have opened communication and are not NC.

Right now i'm just trying to understand his appearance in my life after I cut him off totally in 2016 from everything.

Don’t waste your time on that s#&t. You can’t control your AP and every second that you waste thinking about that is a second longer you’re avoiding meaningful change over the ONE GUARANTEED THING you can control in this world- you. If you think about the actions of others you will remain victimized in your own mind.

There’s a tendency in new posters. That is to get their hackles WAY up and blast back to every post that at all rubs them the wrong way, makes them feel singled out, ganged up on, etc. It’s natural to feel targeted- It’s the precursor to vulnerability. RS, you are on the right path, but not yet there. In a few days/weeks/months (individual results vary) I think you will realize that the tough talk, especially from WSs, is known to be necessary to help you see where you are and the direction you need to be going.

We’re all standing in a mine field- Some of us have found an edge, some of us haven’t, but we can help trace another couple steps. And we’re shouting because we see people keep blowing up, and it’s loud.

I think Luna10 is on to something, and it may just be that simple, that he wants to break up your marriage in order to get his revenge. My guess is that there are a couple of different (and equally unhealthy) thought processes at work.

You threw your first marriage away for this guy (and if that's not why you left, I'm betting that he's still telling himself that it is). So yes, he sees you as more than a hole. He sees you as the woman who finds him irresistible. He had the upper hand, always. You rejecting him for your marriage is the final collapse of that ego trip, and he needs to get you back to restore his image of himself. Unfortunately, it has very little to do with the real RS, although he needs you specifically to get it.

This is what I didn't understand for far too long about my own A. The OM continued to long for me from 3,000 miles away, for two years after it ended. Those had to be strong feelings, right? It wasn't just about sex; he couldn't hit me up for a booty call from the other end of the continent. But those strong feelings were for himself, not me. He might have convinced himself that it was love -- I'll never know one way or the other if it was all a facade -- but either way, it wasn't based on knowing anything about me. I was Cool Girl, ultimately unattainable, not interested in a commitment from him. He wanted me because he couldn't have me. And I got off on the idea of him endlessly pining, even as I told myself that I hated hurting him. Both of us were deeply insecure, fucked up people who fed off each other's neediness and fear of rejection.

So no, you aren't just a hole to him, but that doesn't mean he needs you as an individual, either. You're just the corner dealer that reliably carries his drug of choice. And you, in turn, have a very hard time accepting that, because he's offering you just what you need to hear. You want evidence that he regrets having ditched you for his wife. That he can't get along without you. Even though you tell yourself on a surface level that that's not really true, it's so, so seductive to believe it. Again, this is not about him, it's about you loving the rush of feeling irresistible to him. You're mirroring each other, and nothing more.

There's no shortcut to solving this. There is a reason, probably many reasons, why you have this unhealthy need for him to want you. That's what you need to dig into yourself to solve. Once you address the need, that's when his hold on you will dissolve, and he'll be just another broken guy hitting on you. And as impossible as it sounds right now, you'll be fine with him being no more than that.

My reading of your post is that you see yourself as a Victim of ...what?... your addiction? of your desire to have something real with this guy? your desire to find an excuse for your A in your 1st M?

I don't know what it is, but I think you've taken on the Victim role in a Drama Triangle.

Just think of how this thread started - you wrote something that you should have known would trigger BSes, you initially set it up with a Stop Sign, and then you asked for the SS to be removed.

And by trying to speak for all WSes, you alienated WSes, too.

You set yourself up to be kicked. Now what? You feel bad. To what end?

My guess is that you asked others to hit you with a goal of feeling bad, with a goal of being able to blame others for feeling bad ... and now what will you do to stop feeling bad? Will you think about om? Will you bring up memories of great sex with om? Will you do something worse, something that will really hurt yourself?

You say you're willing to do the work. IMO, the work starts with being honest with yourself and taking responsibility for your actions, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

IMO, your healing starts by seeing yourself as a person with free will and power.

The A didn't happen. You did it.

The limerence didn't happen; you let it come up and go on.

Your desire to continue your connection with om isn't just happening; you are keeping that desire alive.

You're not a Victim; you're choosing to play that role.

I urge you to change your speking, writing, and thinking language to recognize that you act as you choose in this. You're responsible for your actions, and you take the consequences.

The same power that you've so far used to stay in shit is the power that can get you out of it.

Stop beating yourself up. Stop inviting others

to beat you up. Use that energy to get authentic. Use that energy to heal.

And I urge you to find a good IC, because your work is not easy, and a good guide is beyond price.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:49 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

If I understand your timeline correctly, your affair restarted while you were in a committed relationship. If that relationship was with your now husband, your AP has enough dirt to destroy your marriage. When you add in the recent communications, he could easily say the affair never stopped.

Was the boyfriend your current husband?

If so, you have love bubbles in your brain for a man who has the power (and a reason) to completely destroy you. Your husband could get a phone call at any moment. I strongly suggest you wake up and have a honest conversation with your husband ASAP. You are in a really bad position and don't even realise it.

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:00 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

YOU will never get indifference till you become truthful with yourself, identify your whys, and began to change.

The truth is that the AP by definition would probably have sex with anything. I don't get how that boosts your esteem. You could be anyone and that's that truth.

Yep. From a male's perspective that is the absolute truth. For me it wasn't about sex though. Just the attention. I would have accepted sex though. Still gives me attention.

You cling because you refuse to believe you were not special. You can't have both. You want to be special and you want indifference. Doesn't work like that because that isn't reality. As long as you cling to being special to a guy you state you don't want(still think you are lying to yourself), you will remain stuck. Be sure to tell your husband how important it is to you that you are special to this man. It is important to you. Go back and read your responses. You are making sure everyone knows that you were important to him and that he isn't important to you (which from your threads I don't still believe, I still believe you want him chasing you).

Personally I think you wrote that first triggering post because you want to gratify yourself and reinforce to others that you were special and the affair was special, unique, and different than any other. You know the truth but you are trying to hold to confirmation bias to hold onto the lie and keep the romantic BS in your mind. You were just listing reasons for why you were special. Even if you think you were special, is it really special? To be a side piece? To be someone he will never leave for or get better for? He only got worse with you? You only become worse with him? Is that really anything special? Shit no.

You said you didn't cheat on your current H. But you also said that you were still having sex (blinding one at that) with your AP while in a committed dating relationship with your now H before marriage. That means you have cheated on your current H too and that is truly despicable.

Does your current H know that there was another man you were having sex with before marriage? Did he start his married life with the honesty of this information and still decided he wanted to be with you?

As a BS I appreciate the honesty of this WS stating the sex was good. Of course it’s good. I don’t believe a WS who says it wasn’t. Nobody goes back again and again and again for bad sex. Personally I think WS say it wasn’t good to save their asses.

I’m a BS who had ex boyfriends where sex was awful for months (like 16 months). The two worst were also complete losers. I was young, had low self esteem and liked that they “wanted” me. External validation plain and simple. I don’t understand why anyone would assume if sex happens more than once it must be good sex.

I don’t understand why anyone would assume if sex happens more than once it must be good sex.

Well, I wouldn't necessarily not go back for more if the sex wasn't good at first, with a new partner, because there is a learning curve with partners, on both sides, but we BS's assume that because we can't imagine doing what was done to us for lousy sex. It is just a difference in perspective.

For me to want to put my wife through was she put me through, the sex would have to be so good that I would shit golden eggs and piss rainbows afterwards, and I would want visible proof this would happen before I engaged is said sex.

If you are struggling over no contact from a strong emotional connection to a previous AP and your husband does not know it, you are most definitely cheating. His trust is being betrayed. He is a BS.

Duplicate

[This message edited by DIFM at 4:50 AM, September 29th, 2019 (Sunday)]

I sent AP some angry texts after getting angry at realizing you guys are right.

I broke my NC after less than 24hrs. He has not contacted me back as the messages were nasty. I know now 100% i'm not in recovery and I also don't want an affair.

But I do want an outlet for all of these pent up emotions, so i'm going to have to start doing work. It's just that gray area where you know what to do and not reverting back to the bullshit. I'm bipolar, very well medicated, but the mania is strong pull to hit send..... the messages were bad he will prob NV me now to start this off.... I would not want to deal with me

Btw I realize how stupid the sex comment was. I'm am sure there are millions of affairs where the sex sucks and I apologize for making my situation a general statement.

I'm still a piece of shit but I am sorry. I just have been around and i have read so much and i see that answer given alot. Wasn't my place though