SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a few from me . . .

I will never again put my M before my own physical and emotional well being.

My needs are not negotiable. I am worthy of having those satiated.

My M is optional to me living a full and happy life. It would be sad, but I am more than a husband. I always was, but did not see it.

Co-dependency is the worst kind of prison especially in a dysfunctional M. Really, really happy not to have to play that game anymore.

I am stronger than I ever believed. I am generous and kind even when others aren't.

I can tell what is my responsibility now. Not everything in a M is an "US," problem.

I was the starter of the thread in General (I think it was mine) and this was exactly what I was looking for:

maybe that I became a better person but that sounds selfish.

Speaking generally, cause I know there isn't just one wayward thinking the above quote. Why is it selfish to be a better person?

I say its sounds selfish because I think my husband would say it sounds selfish that I grew and changed myself for the better, but at the detriment of himself and my family. I don't feel good about it. Maybe I'm a better wife now, more patient, more caring, more agreeable, but he doesn't appreciate that or what it took to get it. So I'm not generally proud of it. I also kind of turned myself off, my feelngs, my emotions,my needs to get there, to be the person I should be. So its kind of a double edged sword.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 3:13 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

I say that because I think my husband would say it sounds selfish that I grew and changed myself for the better, but at the detriment of himself and my family. I don't feel good about it. Maybe I'm a better wife now, more patient, more caring, more agreeable, but he doesn't appreciate that or what it took to get it. So I'm not generaly proud of it.

I can truly appreciate what you are saying here, Pink.

I could really mostly only name selfish things, and I did think about that as I wrote it. But, honestly, it's not so much that I am proud of what I have accomplished, but I see and appreciate the benefits of what I accomplished.

I wouldn't expect my BH to feel excited about all these things the same way I am, because there were always expectations/perceptions that his wife was healthy like he was - the way I should have been all along. I don't feel I should get a pat on the back for doing what I should do. And, because I wasn't healthy he got very hurt in the process. He paid dearly for me to get to where I am, but at the same time had those things not been on my list - I would ask myself what I did at all to repay him. I don't think I will ever make up the debt, but doing our part is all we can do. Releasing the rest of it is their decision.

But, it doesn't negate that they are there even if no one ever sees them or appreciates them but us. It's like I said it's more about deciding how we exist in our own situation - and it may boil down to existing with self-worth and self-love or without.

ABSOLUTELY!!

Six months later I found a woman that understands what love is, makes me feel like I’m the center of her world (just like she is mine), would never dream of cheating on me, and I hope to grow old with.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 3:27 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

BS Here:

I got into awesome shape working out.

I pay more attention to my wife's words, presence, and feelings.

There are ups people. They just aren't what you expect.

Sex is better with GF than in marriage.

I have more autonomy as a parent than I would had the marriage continued.

I have some insight into how I react to traumas etc. Meaning I repeat patterns of behavior. Useful for self a acceptance.

My ex, who left me for another man, seems happier. I'm sure she has far more positives than me. Not kidding.

Waywards who think everything is rosy should circle back to their BS and help them feel. Staet feeling their pain through empathy. Many WS do not do this, they may do the external work.

I've learned that you can never trust anyone fully, completely. I have also become more pessimistic (if that's even possible) that I was before. I tend to presume the worst on people rather than give the benefit of doubt.

I do give my 13yo son bits of advise on people in general, nothing harsh, just share my experiences with him (nothing infidelity related). I think about this a lot. Am I being too pessimistic with him or will it be to his benefit?

I'm happy to see all the BS comments regarding becoming stronger, freer, more independent and self-aware. That is all on them and zero, nothing, nada to do with their WS or their actions, make no mistake.

I struggle mightily with WS seeking, looking for, whatever...some type of justification/validation/'silver lining' for destroying their BS/M/own personal integrity. Mightily. Surprising? Not at all. Take it for what it's worth from one still reeling from betrayal.

I struggle mightily with WS seeking, looking for, whatever...some type of justification/ validation/ 'silver lining' for destroying their BS/M/own personal integrity.

Good point.

Like: Sorry I destroyed your life, but look how much stronger you've become! Why, you are welcome, dear betrayed spouse!

Yet, I think we all know that dwelling on the reason we get here doesn't really serve us and our journeys. I sometimes struggle with the ways I can empathize with my WH - like it's somehow a betrayal of my own value / self worth. And I have to remind myself that having integrity and compassion is a good thing... even if sometimes it feels like eating overcooked vegetables.

GMC

Like: Sorry I destroyed your life, but look how much stronger you've become! Why, you are welcome, dear betrayed spouse!

Yep...it's the "BUT" that gets me. Just reeks of seeking validation IMO. I understand the rule of action and consequence and that not all consequences are bad but I think the second any WS starts looking for the positives in their actions, they need to get more therapy because to me, they still don't get it. But again, that's just me and where I'm at at this stage which isn't in a great place.

My A occurred 8 months into my separation. I still and will always identify as a cheater even though we were separated. Some have asked me why I ever posted in WW if I was separated and my answer is always because I’m technically still married.

I have many regrets. I don’t like that I set aside all morals and vows. I’m not that person and do hold marriage vows sacred. I was in a low place at that moment and my AP was someone I trusted. He turned away immediately after our physical night having regrets. It left me hurt and confused as he had been a support through my separation. But it also shook me out of my stupidity and made me focus on processing my separation and divorce. It made me realize I should have been a better person. I harbor immense guilt over my behavior.

I’ve learned more about me and finally found the courage to file divorce after 20 years of emotional abuse that quite frankly took the light and life from me. I’m happy that I’m finally there even though I’m terrified of the possibility of being alone forever (even though I really have been throughout my marriage), sad that my kids will have divorced parents and a split home, and scared of a single income having been dual this entire marriage. Above all my kids are my greatest concern.

I’ve finally learned that I matter and need to take care of myself as I never put my well-being first in over 20 years. I’m finally learning to breathe again. This is cliche, but I look forward to leaving my old normal behind and learning what my new normal is even though the unknown terrifies me.

And lastly, I look forward to one day and hopefully meeting someone who will find me amazing and want to love me in a way that is healthy and beautiful, not cruel and damaging. Oh! And they’ll be happy to go on traveling adventures with me. 😊

I think just like everyone who is where I am, our greatest positive is the possibility of healthy, new beginnings.

Speed bump - you are reading the silver lining tone as if we have glee about the outcomes.. I don’t feel that is true. But I do think it’s sometimes projected that way if your ws hasn’t done the work yet.

My husband witnesses my remorse. I don’t go around trying to hand him a consolation prize. What sometimes bs here forget is that the ws forum is really about ws work. And because of that those of us who have accomplished some of that write posts like mine to serve as an example of some of the things we have had to work out for ourselves so there is a road map for others. Looking at these things as what we are saying to our bs isn’t an accurate lens. The true goal a ws should have is self worth and self love - because I believe the lacking of that is 100 percent what lands is here. And until that is worked on mightily we will never be a good partner for anyone.

I also think part of the picture that is missing is what our own bs journey looks like. Striver pointed out if things are so rosy you might need to go back to your ba and help them. I do that but the picture is that both h and I are healing and we both very much want to look at the positives in our life. My h feels I dwell too much on remorse and the affair and he commented on my post this morning and how happy it made him to read that I do see the progress too. I do not believe we are through all our healing but we are both on the same page. I have no intention of leaving him behind or just celebrating while he weeps.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:05 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Also I want to say that It might sound as if I think I did x so this is what I deserve. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had an affair, whatever my husband has chosen or been able to do has been his decision and his hard work to get to where he is today. I had some influence in what he has decided about the marriage but not about whether he heals or not. My comment about how we choose to exist in it applies on both sides and came directly from insight he has given me. He would have moved forward towards his own healing and happiness no matter what had happened on my end. The silver linings are not about that.

The silver linings are about me and living with what I have done. They are a statement of I know I had a lot of unhealthy habits that kept me from having the best relationships I could have. I have so many personal regrets about that. I struggle with the fact that I broke my my own integrity and There have been many days of self loathing and pain. But there are other days when I feel good again. I know why that might seem like an insulting slap in the face depending on where you are in your journey, but I do my husband no service to stay in the dark rather than seeking light. He knows that too because of where he is and where we have been. I know it’s really just individual experiences that cause some folks to see it differently but this is the work of the ws. Both the ws and the bs have to come to acceptance, and heal. Yes, one is the victim of the other but both people have to move forward in some way and I do think this is what that looks like. I hope one day your ws can find silver linings because it will mean they did a tremendous amount of work and might have learned to be a better spouse for you too. I wish everyone nothing but peace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:08 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

I struggle mightily with WS seeking, looking for, whatever...some type of justification/validation/'silver lining' for destroying their BS/M/own personal integrity. Mightily. Surprising? Not at all.

This is how I feel as a wayward. And that's why I replied as I did. I can't boast about all my positive changes because I don't see them as positive due to how I got there.

Yes, one is the victim of the other but both people have to move forward in some way and I do think this is what that looks like. I hope one day your ws can find silver linings because it will mean they did a tremendous amount of work and might have learned to be a better spouse for you too. I wish everyone nothing but peace.

Very well said hikingout . I came up with a PLAN for MY life. I wanted a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H that IF he wanted this too...GREAT. If not...I would find someone who would!!! My H was totally onboard with MY plan...and we made it OUR plan .

I knew...that in order to get to OUR goal...we would BOTH have to be ALL IN. This meant that I would have to change my mindset about my H being this horrible MONSTER that destroyed me. I learned a lot from reading in the Wayward Forum...and even though I can't comprehend WHY people cheat...I see that cheaters are BROKEN people. The thing is...I am a BROKEN person also...but I acted out my sins differently.

One thing that kept running through my mind was how I would HATE to keep being judged by the sins of MY past. My H was very remorseful over what he had done...but if I kept him wallowing in the shit HE made...neither of us would be able to meet the GOAL we planned for. If I could be redeemed...my H could too . HE had to do his work...just like I had to do mine...but the greatest satisfaction was when WE could work on US .

Something happened yesterday that may help to explain my rambling . A decision was made where my H works...and the people who made the decision did not consider my H in it. My H was complaining to me about it in a text...and he said what made him so upset was because these people didn't consider anyone but themselves...and they didn't think things through . Oh YES...INSTANT trigger for me!!! I thought about texting how the disrespect HE was feeling was only a SMIDGEN compared to the DISRESPECT he showed ME while having his A!!! Then I thought better of it . My H was hurting...and I did my best to calm him down. Later that evening...when we were in bed...he THANKED me for being there to help him through his pain .

He thanked me. This may not seem significant to some of you whose H's have done this...but it was HUGE for me. My H used to EXPECT me to take up for him...to calm him down...to have his back. That was what wives were SUPPOSED to do...to HIS way of thinking . But NOW...my H doesn't take that for granted anymore . I don't either. WE always were raised that this was expected of spouses...but the truth is...NONE of this should be expected. It needs to be worked on...nourished...ENCOURAGED daily .

Our Bible Study this morning was on Proverbs chapter 15 . For those of you familiar with it...it actually talks about our tongues...and they can be full of wrath...or gentleness . I talked to my H about what was going through my mind yesterday...and he was so grateful that I spoke words of encouragement instead of righteous indignation . I am too . I've come a LONG way from the toxic spewing Betrayed wife...and it felt GOOD to comfort my H yesterday . It HELPED our M...and brought us even closer...and THAT...my dear friends...is what R is all about . Thank You God for my "soothing tongue" yesterday .

Well Pink- the only thing I can say is that I can understand that everyone is on a different timeline and your husband may not be to the place yet where he appreciates your changes. I certainly did not feel I was boasting but sharing the things I feel I benefit from having done in hopes other ws May say “I need to work in that part too” just like I asked Aubrey the other day to stay because I too am looking for other ws Who are further out to be able to illuminate my path. I just don’t see it through the lens of “look at me and how good I am” because I do not think that at all. Instead it’s more like I can see benefits of my change and I hate they happened following such a shit show of poor decisions. If someone had asked what is the bad that came from this my list would be way longer.

Want to be happy - that is a great example of an extreme act of love that you were able to bite your tongue. My h Likely is biting his tongue too sometimes. Maybe because we aren’t as far out I will often see it at the time I am venting about something, I often say. “I know I did the same thing here but it does bug me” and do you know what he says? He tells me I don’t have to say that every time that it can be about the situation at hand and not the A. Those are the times I feel so much awe he feels that way.again, I can’t take credit for how he is but I do see that I was a complete fool that I ever lost sight of how amazing of a man he is. An utter fool and an asshole

An utter fool and an asshole

I know I am not the only one who is HAPPY to see you are NOT that way anymore .

Hiking-I was not referring to you. Im saying for ME, I am not comfortable listing out my accomplishments since dday. It feels boastful to turn it into a positive for ME. That's my personal opinion.

Pink, I think I feel like your husband.

To me it feels like getting on here bragging about how now you are a basic person, treating people with basic respect, doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment.

If I got on here and read that my cheater thought that ANYTHING positive came from blowing up my life, I would lose my shit! That might be the thing that sent me to the shelter.

Pink - no I got that. I wasn’t upset with what you said. I get we all have a right to feel how we personally feel about our own situation. I think I explained myself further because I feel like I want for you to feel good about yourself. But I realize that you aren’t exactly saying you don’t, and I realize that if my husband wasn’t on my page it would be very insensitive to reflect on positives.

And this next part is not directed at pink at all:

I flinched when I saw ff posted this because I did a similar post a few months ago with the same results, many people feeling it’s inappropriate. But, if you really understand what the goals are in your ws getting to a healthy place this is exactly some of what it entails. Yes, we need posts about remorse and struggles because that’s a big part of what we do. But gaining a positive outlook can be a very important part of the work for numerous reasons. A healed individual in my eyes has a healhy self love and self worth, and that’s true for bs or ws. And for a ws that has to be based on being a better person and living the life that you should. Not on feelings entitlement and selfishness. If we can’t talk about how that is going, we are missing a big part of how we can better support each other.