ibonnie,
I hear you.
I have the same shoes, struggles, and live separately as well.
Isn't it just a stinking pile that 18 months out we have what feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders.
I have struggled so much in the last 3-4 weeks, I can't believe it. Exactly the same thoughts, I literally have said these things to WH and a couple of friends this week.
I told WH, who is worried about me and wants to help, yet he goes into full silence when I talk about the affair. Not helpful.
I know I have to change, somehow, to let go of the pain I wear. It is hard to get away from the weight of life right now.
But I also know, that some days, success is getting up, showing up, and doing what we need to do.
This morning, please look in the mirror and say,
"damn, ibonnie, you got love, hugs and good thoughts from people who know all about "this" stuff because, somehow, these SI strangers care about ibonnie. They get me in the ups and downs of infidelity. damn, that feels good. I am a good person, and I am strong. I am standing."
OK, I could have given you a shorter mantra, like "One day at a time, one minute at a time, I will be ok." Both work.
We are all still standing, yeah we kneel, we fall, but every day we stand.
Big hugs ibonnie, we are holding your hand through this, and we know.