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My wife had an affair dday has been four months ago we were running good she was seeing a therapist. She was making changes I was working on me. I didn’t initially tell the AP partners wife and me and my wife agreed to just focus on us. I listened to the advice of a lot of people on here and messaged the A.P partners wife and I don’t think the advice is wrong I actually feel awesome. My wife is angry because she said she felt we were a team and I could have given her a heads up because the A.P. Partner got someone to call her and telling her it’s regarding your husband it’s an emergency and she said she called him because she thought something happened to me. While alll he wanted to do was damage control. My wife is angry at me because I didn’t tell her before I did it she said she would have supported me and she’s disappointed because she thought we were a team ironic right? I checked the phone records they’ve had no contact besides that and I seen the call where the other person called her. My wife feels betrayed because of what I did I told her that I feel betrayed because. You should have tried to call or text me first if you were really worried but she called the A.P. Partner to find out what happened. Looking at the phone records she was on the phone with him for 2mins then. Called me like I’m mad because we had a NC agreement and I should have been the first call or text. Iknow how these unfaithful spouses like to blameshift I just need the support to know that I’m not overreacting and that she didn’t have a valid point I talked to my therapist about it and she. Said I definitely get what your saying but. The fact that he was blocked and had to reach her through somebody else count for something? Please experienced members give me advice

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Update im staying in a hotel for the week and our IC suggested we seperated to cool off. I was doing a drop by her job because the AP worked tonight i had my gun with me i just looked at his truck from a distance. THE job is literally like 10mins from my house either way i went to walmart sat in the parking lot a good hour maybe?and i thought i had his schedule but he got off early either way wasn't my priority i was going to do a pass by my wife to make sure she home i turn down a street a couple blocks by my house and I swear to GOD I see his exact truck could be a coincidence either way i hit a uturn and hopped behind him wrote his license plate down. He works tomorrow morning ill pass by his job and check his license plate out OMG IF it matches! after i was heading back to the hotel i dropped my gun off. I come home i walk through the house nothing is out of place so I left i didnt confront tonight because she literally was sleep by then i need more proof. I'll check the license plate tomorrow. Also i checked her phone records and she talked to A blocked number for 24mins about 2 hours prior. Super suspicious because usually a number calls you blocked and it shows up blocked on your phone bill record but this call was a outcall. I did a little research on google and it says that you can have your number blocked out if you type in *67 or something like that. Also i kinda panicked and messaged the OBS like something is up i think i saw your husband leave from around my house tonight if his license plate is c**** that was definitely him. i also said don't say anything yet let me verify more things this a bad move? I'll also see can she look up her phone records for exactly 7:36 if this shit match up! I got you BI**h

[This message edited by 1Brokenman1 at 12:23 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Also we talked about exposing before but decided against it because we didn’t know if the OBS would tell the world but I said screw it and did it anyway

I actually feel awesome

That is all that matters! I am glad you told her, she deserved to know.

You are married.

You thought you were a team.

She brought a third person into your marriage.

Did she ask you before she had an affair?

No?

Tell her to GTFO of here with that "I feel betrayed " bullshit.

You did what was right. And you don't need her permission to do the right thing.

She is trying to say you are even now, because you be both betrayed each other.

Fuck. That.

I think she's mad because now the affair had to end, because both spouse's know.

She called him. Broke NC.

Um. Sorry. Her excuse makes no sense. If she called him because om sent a message saying to call him immediately, because of an emergency with you...why didn't she call you first?

Because it's bullshit.

She unblocked him? How do you know he was blocked in the first place. How do you know the first number that called her wasn't his burner phone? Maybe he called her on it,told her what was up,and then they decided she would call his real phone, because she was going to call you and find out what was up,but had to explain why she called him.

She called this supposed third party right after you left the other night. After you argued.

She's full of shit.

I am a little confused. Did she call the AP or the number that she got the message from?

Also we talked about exposing before but decided against it because we didn’t know if the OBS would tell the world but I said screw it and did it anyway

You should have told her after you exposed. And no, I don't think you are overreacting.

I think she full of shit too. But I looked up the owner of that phone it really is for that associate so that part. Checks out. But she said the associate called her gave her the guys number because she didn’t know. What it was for because it’s on the block list and because a number is blocked they can’t call or text you but you can send outgoing calls

She answered the call and it was someone they work with and she relayed the message to my wife and gave her his number and instead of calling me first she called him

She answered the call and it was someone they work with and she relayed the message to my wife and gave her his number and instead of calling me first she called him

She is all the way wrong. NC is NC. She should have called you.

I echo every single word that HellFire said above!!

double post

[This message edited by Booyah at 12:47 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

So the general consensus is she basically trying to blame shift and fulll of shit our therapist said we too angry right now to talk and we doing a joint session. Nov 3 we trying to see can she take us on the 28th because I’m told the therapist I’m thinking about leaving and she said at least do one session together. So I need to stick to my guns don’t budge I’m ready for the session so I can tell her every call you answered every time you had sex every kiss every time was a different betrayal. I’m going to let her know that infidelity isn’t just one betrayal. Also going to through in her face she put my life in danger having unprotected sex and how she could have killled me and you worried about me not telling you I told the OBS. Also going to say you wouldn’t have had to hear it from him first if you would have stuck to the NC and checked on your husband you put me #2 again. If you were so worried one that associate called u telling you to call the AP it’s about your husband you should have called me first to check on me sound legit?

Sounds like a great response to her bullshit, listen she's still trying to blameshift, she's not remorseful by a long shot and therefore not a candidate for R. Tell her you're cancelling the IC appointment and give her the card to your D attorney, I bet you it would give you much better results one way or another.

To outright say that she felt betrayed that you told the OBS without her permission is just...absolutely fucking ridiculous.

The moxie of cheaters never ceases to amaze me.

"Thought we were a team." Shes full of shit. She didnt check with you before fucking another man. Further, her first call, upon hearing a reach out from the AP, should have been to you. Instead she called him. How is that in any way consistent with "a team"?

The bullshit is strong in this one.

Your wife feels betrayed bc you told the OBS without telling her? That's hilarious.

Tell her this...

She cheated on you for close to a year, and over that time period, how many times did she make choices against you?

Let's see....

every time she thought of him

every time she emailed him

every time she texted him

every time she called him

every time she contacted him thru social media

every time she looked at his social media

every time she talked to him

every time she got dressed with him in mind

every time she ate with him

every time she laughed with him

every time she touched him

every time she flirted with him

every time she looked at him

every time she kissed him

every time she had sex with him

Add all those up.... you're probably in the hundred thousands.

All of those choices against you over that time period and she never once "woke up" regretting what she was doing to you?

But now she wants you and you're just supposed to be like, "Oh, ok! Great!!! Let's just move on!".

It doesn't work that way.

You are what is referred to as her sexual Plan B. She has admitted this to you. She wants a family life with you, a secure loving H who works, but she wants to fuck other people.

She isn't remorseful. Not yet anyway. Everything you say about her screams of spoiled, entitled brat. She's also excellent at blameshifting.

If ever their was a WW on here that needed a wake up call, it's her.

Serve her with D papers and tell her she has until the day it's final to convince you to call it off. If she doesn't even try, then the quicker you're away from her the better.

According to a bunch of more experienced members i thought she was remorseful. she cut off contact actively seeking another job, IC, tells me how shes sorry and cries and sorry that she embarassed me, hurt me, betrayed, me then its like times when we argue she tries to blameshift and say real hurtful things. I definitely can see the blameshifting but a good friend of mind said shes trying to manipulate me too. I'm really trying to decide what would scare her more I want my marriage to work seperation or divorce? I'm going to tell her shes blameshifting and minimizing my pain and that if you can't understand all of this is consequences of your affair than this can't work out. I'm not trying to rug sweep I want to heal and I want her to really understand the pain and trauma she caused and if she can't do that i need to leave.

1Brokenman,

She cannot see the pain she’s causing you. In order to cheat, a Cheater must be self centered. They compartmentalism and justify their behavior.

Since you aren’t a Cheater, you cannot comprehend the language they speak.

Please let an individual therapist, with training in infidelity trauma, help you. Don’t seek marriage counseling yet. 4 months post DDay is too soon to be told the Cheater is remorseful. She still has SO much work to do on herself.

Good call, it is all on her. Do you have to check with her on everything for recovery? No it is the complete opposite. She has to check with you. Hence you are correct she should have rung you first, when contacted by the associate not the POS Om. Very selfish person.

Do you know why your WW is panicking?

It is because you have taken control from her.

She did not want you to tell OBS because she could then control you. Playing on your fear of other people finding out. She also was protecting her AP, as she still has strong feeling for him, and would not be surprised at all if she is still in communications with him (they still work in the same company, and if they have access to work emails and telephones, you can be damned sure they are still in contact).

What you have done is taken the first step in your healing. It matters not whether you R or D, but you are getting out of infidelity.

OBS will now be a separate pair of eyes and ears to monitor the situation, making it a bit harder (not impossible) for your WW to continue her A.