SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes I have revenge thoughts often towards the AP and WS. I have thoughts of sending the screenshots, nudes, and videos to people they are related to or their S/O. I have also thought of going out and doing the same thing to my partner that he did to me just so he can hurt like I hurt, but I couldn’t act on those thoughts even if I wanted to because I’m not that type

of person. I do understand where you’re coming from though!

There is nothing wrong with thinking about, and even enacting a well thought out revenge ... and not just on the AP, but also the WS. I’m a believer in revenge, as long as it will contribute to giving you peace, and it isn’t (too) illegal.

Ah it's easy to be consumed by this...while normal it's not productive. I will share my experience...

I wanted to out her to her mum. But ow had admitted her dad cheated on her mum. While unbelievable she would do the same to another family and have zero regard for my child when she was hurt by her dads herself. She never once suggested the A couldnt continue or that they were hurting us or that it was wrong. She simply ignored the fact it was even happening. And saw herself as the priority. Even after dday she claimed he was choosing between his child and her. She doesnt even see me as part of the equation or really understand the fact she was happy to be competition towards a toddler. She was happy to keep screwing him and hope he would fall for her more. Maybe her mum did an excellent job protecting her as I have my son. Maybe she is oblivious to it..or just doesnt care...So I was ready to out her. But I was not ready for her mum to relive that pain. Had my child ripped another marriage and family apart it would destroy me and likely bring up all those old hurts. I felt her mum didnt deserve that. Maybe if I had the ow wouldve found some decency but I decided I just couldnt do it to her mum.

Then I wanted to expose her to her ex boyfriend. It took a long time to find him. And by the time I had it had been over for a year with him. While she likely gaslit and manipulated the fuck out of him and he likely could do with understanding what happened I again put myself in his shoes. Shes away. Moved on. Hes rebuilt his life. Does he really need to know his ex was screwing another man and giving blowjobs in their bed? Likely not. Hes in another relationship and away from her so I would risk hurting him for my own revenge. Something that didnt sit right with me either.

Lastly on here I said once on a thread similar to this with several drinks in my system I'd love to make a mark on her name and reputation. She had again recently tried to contact wh after yet again pretending to be remorseful and sorry and after months playing more games on social media trying to get in my head...I guess I snapped someone suggested a means to do this and I did it and posted back I did it. Woke the next day and regretted it. Tried to undo this and forgot all about it. I assumed it was fine. Police turned up at whs new work 2 days later it had taken effect during that night despite me requesting it didnt. Anyway she had went right to police and they were there within hours... They didnt say much other than vague warning. Wh had no idea what they were talking about told me I explained what it was he wasnt happy I had acted out of line with my beliefs but understood. He was pissed she straight away acted victim and involved the police with him! I couldn't fathom how she had involved the police so quickly I suspected she had read it here. But over time convinced myself that was insane...I mean what insane ow tracks and follows bs for 18 months on here.... This was over a yr ago.

She recently confronted wh about things I say about her all bizarre and misinterpreted turns out she is here...she is reading. All those social media posts aimed at specific fears I'd posted on here were deliberate to make me feel I couldnt trust my reality. She had been playing a bigger game of revenge all along....yeah she thinks she deserve revenge to hurt me more. When I confronted her and wanted to know the truth she told me I was taking an eye for an eye hurting her by telling her how I saw it and what he said!?! Yeah some emails and calling you cheap exposing A as cheap is the same as a long term fucking of a married man and continued manipulation and games after dday. I realised a year or so ago any interaction ass a game to her. Where I could never get her to understand as shes not capable.

So anyway the revenge itself was out of line with my character. Shes happy to be a shitty person over and over but I am not. That's why I tried to retract it almost immediately but the damage was done I've felt immense guilt about it but eventually had to let it go. Perhaps I wanted remorse that person is never going to give me that. I wanted to hurt or shame her. And instead she makes me the bad guy and feeds her victim mentality so that achieved nothing.

Ow are often very broken toxic people. Any interaction nice or revengeful will be twisted to suit them. Its unlikely to have the effect you predict or want because they are so dysfunctional. Or they are remorseful and are trying to fix their lives and in a sense I think as time passes if they are decent they deserve to move on too like you and your ws are doing.

I in a way could forgive myself more when I realised she was gaslighting me and goading me because part of me acting out was due to the injustice of her behaviour after dday ...by then I didnt even blame her for the a anymore just her behaviour since, yet i let her get into my head because I didnt know she had insight here...but she was trying to make me crazy and she succeeded one evening over a short episode of me snapping. Other than that she doesnt get to affect me anymore she doesnt get me to walk out of line with my values and morals. She can be the crazy SI stalker and try to use SM to upset me but I'm above that. And she simply doesnt matter now. It's great letting go of that.

I am fairly aware when I stopped caring about her and stopped interacting that seemed to hurt her more. Any attention even negative made her feel involved and significant. Now shes just a part of an old story that I use to show people she and people like her are better off forgotten about.

I remember her telling me to be happy I'd won he chose me. What still makes me smile is, it was never a competition. Shes that clueless. The idea she still watches makes me think she still has some belief in that even now. And that is all the revenge I need. Shes stuck in a place we left far behind thinking shes important when shes not. Hows that for making your own karma?

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 2:41 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

The Middleman

There is nothing wrong with thinking about, and even enacting a well thought out revenge ... and not just on the AP, but also the WS. I’m a believer in revenge, as long as it will contribute to giving you peace,

Sounds like you’ve had some fun with revenge thoughts - pls tell us more?!

It’s the AP I want to revenge, even though I know it was my WS who broke his vows.

In the very early days after finding out I did little stupid things such as clean our bathroom with my WHs toothbrush... childish but felt slightly better for about a millisecond!

I contacted her parents by phone. I cried. They said they didn't support that kind of thing. Then her BS called me and said he was pissed I did that. oh well.

Revenge, the tastiest morsel ever cooked up in hell!

I went after POSOM and I put spikes on his driveway for 10 months before I got caught. I had to pay $2000 in legal fees and I had to give almost $2000 for tires and I am now on probation for wanton endangerment and criminal trespassing. IT WAS WORTH IT!

Getting revenge on both of them separately, then ghosting her, was the best thing, the most healing thing I ever did!!! Neither has gotten over it, but I got over them fairly quickly

Both careers destroyed. Both lost state certifications, and unlikely to find jobs in field. Families and friends know everything. Both ended with quick divorces. He moved out of state to try and start over. Her kids rarely talk to her or visit her because of what she did. She was placed in psyche hospital multiple times.

Doubt either of them look back on their affair with warm fuzzy feelings.

I don’t regret doing what I did at all!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:51 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Newlifeisgreat What did you do?

Jimmy 1962 you make me chuckle

IT WAS WORTH IT!

Charlotte,

IMO

I believe it's normal to have revenge fantasies, after all in most cases this person is a stranger to us and our brain struggles to direct the "blame" where it squarely belongs, hence paybacks to the AP.

I also agree with others, that it's note entirely helpful. In my case, I have a laundry list I've cultivated over the last 32 months and while I would never act on them, I get initial glee and satisfaction of thinking about them. Then the sadness hits, that I'm the type of person that can think of these destructive (to myself and to another family) behaviors. I'm not different than my wife or her AP, that I would inflict harm on another without regard to their feelings.

My favorite revenge fantasy but also my most disgusting is to seduce the AP's daughter when she becomes an adult, drop her like a hot potato and then let the AP know.. Gross, Gross, Gross. But it would definitely hit him where it hurts.

I didn't dream about revenge on the OW...I made it happen.

As it is, she almost lost her job - her BH divorced her & she has to share her kids 50/50. To top it off, her BH remarried rather quickly after the D - and turns out, he was cheating on her at the same time! She's now remarried - to a man who is eerily looks like my FWH.

To this day, if I have to go to her place of employment, I make sure they know even if I am dying - SHE.DOES.NOT.TOUCH.ME. I know they ask why...and my friends that work there make sure to tell anyone who doesn't know.

I had 1 revenge plan and one plan only. I almost did it but decide against it as I did not want there to be repercussions against my WW.

I found out where POSOM lived and worked. I didn't care that it was an EA. He had it coming.

I priced out billboards and was going to post photos of him in a diaper (his fetish) right near his job. I had thought of various captions such as "he may kiss your ass, but you'll be wiping his" and C___ B____ - Making his parents proud by pissing his pants and chasing married women".... It wouldn't have been that expensive either.... In the end I decided against it figuring there'd be blowback.

Happenedtome…

I spit my drink across my laptop when I read your response.

That in and of itself is priceless....

Happenedtome2 that’s a fantastic revenge dream!

I’m showing my age here, but every now and then I watch Reba McIntyre’s video to the song “Does He Love You” on YouTube. Gotta love Reba!

Oh I have some revenge fantasies. And yes, I am smiling as I type this.

I'd type them but...plausible deniability in case the wine ever talks louder than my brain one day.

I don't really get being so mad at the AP. Why not focus it where it belongs, on your WS?

The AP isn't the one who broke vows. The AP isn't the one who lied and broke trust. I feel like your anger is misplaced.

I don't really get being so mad at the AP. Why not focus it where it belongs, on your WS?

This comes up a lot and it always bugs me. I get the sentiment and it's not untrue. OBVIOUSLY, no one should blame the AP instead of the WS. OBVIOUSLY, the AP is not the one who shit on YOUR marriage vows. That doesn't mean that they weren't adults who knowingly did a really shitty thing to you, another person who didn't deserve that. Many of the people here (myself included), knew their WS AP prior to or during the A. If you found out you were robbed by your cousin and his friend, you would be most mad at your cousin... sure... but that doesn't mean his friend is not also a thief.

First of all, anger is not an nonrenewable resource. There is plenty to go around. This argument seems to assume that by thinking about revenge on the AP, you're giving your WS a pass. This is rarely the case. If you're anything like me, you can hold your WS to account and be plenty mad at them while still having a lot of leftover anger to aim at the AP.

Secondly, particularly for couples who are attempting reconciliation, you have a spouse at home who is doing the work and apologizing hourly. Staying super mad at them 100% of the time is not something that is compatible with R. That doesn't mean rugsweeping, but it does involve extending grace at times while you try to delve into what happened, why it happened and what needs work. It is much easier to begin to forgive someone who you have a history with, who is showing up every day, and who is apologetic than it is to forgive someone who has never apologized to you. Whose background and FOO issues you do not know.

Thirdly, this shit can be cathartic. I had wild revenge fantasies regarding the AP in the year post-D-day that I never intended on acting out. After having been made to feel so small and impotent post-D-day, the idea of revenge made me feel better, more powerful. It made me feel like she could have consequences. In a way, it was also self-protective. AP and I work in the same industry so I run the chance of running into her regularly. The thought of running into her terrified me. A lot of my revenge fantasies had to do with what I would say to humiliate her if our paths were ever to cross. Having a script in mind, actually allowed me to feel less fearful.

I get that the AP wasn't the one who made vows to me, but she knew about HIS vows to me. She had no problem coming up and chatting with us at a fundraising event AFTER they broke off the A. While revenge may be fun to fantasize about, I've just never been angry enough with her to ponder it for long. Though I have to say, I LOVE this idea...

1. Spraying "homewrecker" in weed killer on her front yard (I think that idea came from someone on here)

Since I had to pass her house on my way to and from work, and watch her working on her lawn, this one sings to me.

And THIS made me LOL. This is AWESOME!

We were all at a baseball game sitting in the same area of the stands and she was upset with her son because he borrowed my son his expensive baseball bat. She was going on and on and finally I snapped and said "I don't think its that big of a deal that he let him borrow his bat. After all, you borrowed my husband's bat more than once without asking ME if I was OK with it".

My revenge fantasies are very visceral and angry. I am an author, so if I were to describe them, well.. it might get messy.

I know that, physically, her boyfriend wouldn't stand a chance against me. I've seen messages where he said he was going to jump me with a bat if he ever saw me (he's 2,000 miles away, good luck) and I told the ex to pass on that he was welcome to try. I've got twenty years of kendo experience sparring with armed opponents, and ten years of MMA hand to hand combat experience. I have seen him in pictures with my ex in the act, so i KNOW I have more muscle mass than he does.

I would scrub the pavement with his scrawny little ass, bat or not.

The girlfriend (her boyfriend's wife) is... a big girl. Cellulite from the middle of her back down to her knees, with rolls at her joints. I'm a big guy, and her butt is wider than my shoulders. Not even a challenge or threat, despite her saying she'd slap the snot out of me and kick me in the nuts. I doubt she could get her foot that high.

The ex has taken three or four Muay Thai classes and said she could snap me in half like a twig.

She's 130lbs. I'm 260.

... yeah. Extrapolate what you wish as to what I want to do to these people. It's less a revenge fantasy than a revenge prayer.