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Yes, I mean the potential AP. Not the WS.

Yes, I mean the potential AP. Not the WS.

Ah I got it. Although if I think about my xOM he knew exactly what he was doing and that it would possibly hurt my STBX and kids. Ugh this stuff is so stupid

So much hurt for no reason but some kind of sick gain (this includes myself).

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:52 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Hiking Out: I am not trying to call you out:

I read in the WW forum almost every day.

You started a thread asking if the WS would want to switch places with the BS. Most (even you) answered "YES".

People mentioned how they felt there was an imbalance of who was right(the better partner) at that point.

Then you have people like the WW who says her husband's porn addiction makes her a mad hatter. She felt better as a mad hatter even though all the guys disagree.

You said your husband was less impacted about the sexual part because you had experimented with swinging as a couple.

I think this is how he balances the tables. Yeah, he isn't fixing things, but maybe he needs this to keep from divorcing his WW.

My WW doesn't get it. She never will. (She like many women see it as just sex. She sees the anger and sadness, but thinks more of my emotions. She thinks the lack of connection makes things less. The whole "Getting It" thing.) I have to accept that, but I know some people can't. I think that the "leveling" is kind of Buzzy's attempt at fixing things. He isn't leaving. He needs this to not leave his marriage. His RA is him trying to fix the sexual disparity he sees now.

He is here trying to gauge if he is a monster or not with this thread. (Correct me if this is wrong.)

I would say Buzzy should see this balancing and roll with how the release of the anger now. Talk about it like that instead of seeing it as saying you wanted her to be hurt like you. See this as the way to remove some of the pain. Also talk to your wife about how you feel about your AP. Stop pushing her into a corner, instead now come to the table being totally honest. Now that you are both dirty, you can talk about why each of your rolled in the poop. Just try to see why your WW is scared about your AP. It is a moment for you to learn.

The AP I "used" was not remotely bothered. He just had a very lucky evening. Didn't even give him my real name. So no, you aren't necessarily hurting another person if they know it's no strings and means nothing. The crime I feel that I committed against him was that I had no idea what I'd been exposed to by my XWH (my brain hadn't even processed enough to think that far) and though condoms were used, I could have put him at risk for lord only knows what. So that is my shame. He didn't deserve that.

I think RA might be good for some people, may not be be for all . why judge another based on our beliefs ?

We all have a wayward side , we get physically attracted to other people while we are in a marriage , but most don't exercise the wayward option due to feeling of commitment and cannot see our partners in misery due to our actions. With an affair the commitment is gone , why he should hold his feelings ? what guarantee that he wont be cheated again? I wouldn't chase for RA , I wouldn't have RA with someone in a relationship but it happens with right person then go ahead if you are not feeling guilty.

May be RA will help you to exit the toxic relationship you are in , take life as it happens. BS is not bound to hold the moral high ground after cheating.

Doinbetter-

Nope, I still have heard zero people say they as the ws wished their bs would have a revenge affair.

I did not say that because we swung 25 years ago that it made the sexual wound less. It in fact did not. But it did make him understand what I told him about the sex was the truth. His sexual wound was there.

You miss the point - on that post you are referencing many of us said we would not want for our bs to have to be the ws in order for us to know what it was like to be the bs. We would not want them to carry the pain of the betrayer. Many bs also chimes in and said they wouldn’t want to be the ws either.

Regardless this man has l

Already had an RA and doesn’t feel any better. I don’t see your point at all. Sorry.

No once she strayed the marriage contract was damaged if not fully broken which meant i was not fully bound by the contract

No, a divorce is what breaks the contract.

I still "see" my AP out and about and we are both members of the same running club and gym, my ife does not like this but I have offered to pay for her membership of both the club and gym but she declines, I will not give up my passions to placate her, after all she brought it on herself.

How much contact do you and the OW have? Is your A ongoing?

I thought about doing a RA to "get back at WH and make him feel how I felt".

Our MC pointed out that if I had an affair now it wouldn't have the same shock and awe devastation that his had on me. He would expect it AND even told me to "go even the score".

So he wouldn't feel the same way I did and never will. I had believed he could never do that and never expected it.

After I found out about my STBXW's first affair, she -begged- me to find someone else, just like she STRONGLY pushed for me to "sow some wild oats" while she was in her first affair. I never had any serious desire to do so. I consistently declined, said that I didn't want anyone else, so on and so on.

With her most recent affair, the one that ended everything, immediately I thought, "who do I know that she is close with that I could bring home and screw on her side of the bed?"

Her best friend? Her younger, prettier sister? One of her MLM downline?

Even after I moved out of the bedroom and into my own room, it kept coming across my mind. Who would I be able to have noisy, passionate sex with right where she could hear me, costing her sleep just like her affair cost me sleep? How could I make her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in her own home?

But in the end, I came to the decision that, frankly, she had lowered herself. The two people she had decided to do all the things with that she had refused to do with me are physically revolting, personally flaccid, and morally bankrupt (and I tried to look at them objectively, not through the lens of fury that colors my perceptions).

I am -not- going to just dive headfirst into the first pair of spread legs that I can use to hurt her because I frankly don't think she has enough of a soul left to feel that pain. She would have to have a sense of morality, a knowledge of right and wrong, and she would have to value me to be hurt by an RA.

Instead, I'm going to do one better. I am going to sever every line of support she gets from me and live a better life than she ever has, doing all the things she wanted to do without her, as well as everything that I wanted to do with her but couldn't.

I'm going to live a better life with a better partner that my kids rave to her about how awesome she is. I am going to make it so difficult for her to get away and fly off to have her trysts with her partners that she will fee so incredibly alone while I am side by side with mine.

She will regret her decisions. Whether she admits it or not, I don't care. I just want her to regret. THAT is my revenge affair. I'm going to make sweet, sweet, glorious and passionate love to the life we could have had, right where she can see me, where she has to hear about it, and when she's ruminating in bed at night, alone, she'll feel that wet spot of regret soaking through her pajamas.

Revenge is wrong no matter what the reason or what happened. Revenge destroys people and many times innocents. Revenge is not a good emotion to act upon, ever.

I... somewhat disagree.

For a long, long time, I ate from the feedbag of "oooh, negative emotions are bad! We shouldn't be angry! We shouldn't feel hatred! We shouldn't desire revenge! Those things are icky-scary-no-no feelings!"

No. Those things are feelings. Suppressing them brings up so many other problems, so many other issues. Cutting off a significant portion of your natural emotions is cutting off a significant portion of yourself.

Am I saying that one should wallow in the quagmire of fury and anger? No, not at all. But feel it. Really feel it. Let yourself feel it. Process it the way it needs to be processed. If you need to call your cheating wife a whore, well, maybe she has it coming. If you need to go Scorched Earth and sow the fields with salt, ruining the life of the AP, then load up the salt wagon and get your plow. THAT is revenge, tbh; if you do more than just tell the AP's BS, then that is unnecessary revenge, but you know what? FUCK 'EM. They had it comin'.

There are consequences to actions, and sometimes Karma needs to use people as agents of delivery. Don't cut yourself off from that job, especially if you can get some visceral satisfaction from it.

H o w e v e r . . .

If you're trying to reconcile, then you HAVE to do the work of reconciliation. If she cheated on you and went full NC, regardless of what she had to give up (job, passions, hobbies, whatever), then quid pro quo. You cheated back. After all, that is what it was, a counter-cheating. A balancing act, right?

So balance it. You now have to do what she has to do if you want to repair the relationship. Now you BOTH have to do it, not just her, because you BOTH broke faith. You BOTH lowered yourselves genitally out of the relationship.

If you're not willing to do that, then bow out. Just dip and be done. Otherwise you're just staying around to continue to punish her, and that is neither your place nor your right.

Either do right or roll out.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 7:10 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Either do right or roll out.

But the WS is not doing right. Not beholden to do right in the future. The BS is the only one expected to do right.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But a right doesn't unmake a wrong.

Doing right does not depend on the actions of others. Just like speaking the truth does not draw its strength from the honesty of others.

Doing right in this case is not allowing the betrayal of another turn one into an abuser.

Silverhopes

No my affair is at an end for now at least.

When I said i "see" my AP i meant just that, if I see her i will smile say hello but that is about the extent of it.

What an emotive topic.

One week out you are both in shock, I wonder if you had waited whether this would still have been your answer.

I would also question if there wasn't some sort of on going attraction for your AP and maybe this gave you the excuse you felt you needed.

Regardless it's a painful mess from both sides now and I wish you luck wherever your future is heading.

Oh i found her attractive both physicaly and as a person. She has an attitude to life that i admire, some people are glass half full and some are glass half empty, her attitude is how do i fill this glass to the brim HOWEVER without my WW actions it would not have resulted in an RA.

I guess I'm the exception.

My cheater has screamed at me on multiple occasions that I should have an affair, too. For exactly this reason. To level the playing field. His exact words.

I couldn't. I am not built like that. I have no tolerance for liars or cheaters. I am certain I would kill myself before doing this to another human being.

BS is not bound to hold the moral high ground after cheating.

disagree. yes they are. to themselves.

I talked about this to WH. What if I did it? What if I just have an affair too so I feel guilty as well and less pained?

I know I will never do it. It was just a thought that crossed my mind due to the hurt I was feeling but I will never stoop to their level. I still maintain my stand that it's easier to breakup than to cheat.

I talked about this to WH. What if I did it? What if I just have an affair too so I feel guilty as well and less pained?

Even if you had tried it, it wouldn't work, sadly. The true guilt isn't there because you really wouldn't have done it if he hadn't wrecked the marriage by cheating first (and in my case, he cheated A LOT). It also does nothing to ease the pain. I wish it did, honestly. There is literally nothing you can do to remove the pain of nfidelity. If the cure had been in another man's pants, then call me the whore of Babylon because I would have RA'd until there was no more pain left from it.