SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I posted once before, I’m about 7 weeks from d day. Over the last week I finally got the point were I feel as if my ww has given me the true story to the nature of the affair and a good timeline. About 2 weeks ago I confronted her on some things that didn’t make sense and we had it out good. The next day I told her I wanted to get divorced. The next morning is when she opened up to me and gave me the details of the affair and tried to help me to understand why she did it. I told her I was one minute from getting a divorce and would not tolerate any contact with AP, and I would go day by day. Now I’m not sure how to act or what to do.

tried to help me to understand why she did it.

Unless the answer was "because I wanted to" it is a bunch of bullsh*t.

Now I’m not sure how to act or what to do.

None of this was your fault. She and she alone chose to cheat on you.

What to do:

* Contact an attorney - you don't have to file D but you should know what it would look like

* Get tested for STDs

* Keep your data/notes in a safe location. Jot down anything you were told, etc. Memories fade and can be influenced by emotion. Keep the facts well documented and well stored.

* Breathe.

* Trust your gut

Take care of yourself.

Others will be along shortly to give you additional and good words of wisdom.

You got tough and got results.

Stay tough and get more results.

Decide on:

1. you want to consider R in this M or you don't

2. if you're a possible R then she must be truthful about everything

3. she must be transparent about everything

4. she must be remorseful

5. she has to stop blaming you for anything

6. she either realizes what the damage she's done or forget it.

All of the above, at least, or nothing.

And threaten here with a poly.

Any lies and it's D.

I agree with what was posted above, Could you please provide a bit more detail about your story? Also you have to ask yourself, Is what she is telling you something you can truly forgive, Or is this betrayal of you trust a deal breaker. Will you ever truly trust her again and why would this not happen again? Questions you should probably think about...

So she has had cancer 4 times, you married her knowing you can't have a family.

You gained a little weight and she starts sleeping with her trainer.

She then trickle truthed you until you threatened divorce.

Here is the question: Do you have some funds for a poly graph? If so, do it. We can help with questions.

You don't have everything. You should also move out of the house for a week minimum if you can. This is so you can evaluate how you feel about the marriage without her trying to manipulate you. It also shows her that you are willing to be on your own after she broke this relationship.

I didn’t gain any weight I look good not that it matters.

What more truth am I looking for I I know the timeline, I know there was sex, what else am Iooking for? I don’t understand how a polygraph helps me, if anything I feel like if I need a polygraph I need a divorce.

I think you have to be careful about moving out of the house - I would consult with a lawyer before doing that for 1 day, 1 week or any period of time.

A little clarity for anyone trying chime in. I’m pass the point of moving out, I’m not getting a polygraph. I told her I work go day by day and she assured me she would have not contact, yes I know this could be BS. If anyone is willing to help with a possible path forward I’m all ears. I am meeting with an attorney Friday just in case

What are your boundaries if your M is to continue:

Personally, I never wanted to be a security cop always checking up on her. But you do you. Some ideas: full transparency with her devices and phone.

You do not have to move out of the house. She should be in IC to figure out how she became such a broken person as to betray your trust.

Demonstrate remorse not regret. Answer your questions and take your anger when it comes without defensiveness.

No blameshifting you for her actions. Openly discuss the A. No rugsweeping.

This is a start. She needs to work on herself. You heal you. Good luck.

Shitty times brother. Was it a full PA that you know of? Or just a short PA kissing and groping?

You called her bluff and she folded. Keep doing that while trying to figure out what you really want.

IC worked for me. She needs IC definitely. YMMV.

The thing is now what has changed ? You know that she is capable of cheating on you again. Why would would you be willing to give her another chance ?

What is HER plan to show you that she fixed her character deficit. Words from a proven liar are worthless.

Now she is suddenly telling the truth ? Again, what is different? How can she prove she is not in contact with her affair partner(s).

Your next step is this. Keep all options on the table and research each one. Your confusion will pass and sometimes an IC can help you organize those thoughts so you know what you really want.

Until you are clear on what you want . . .well, it doesn't make sense to jump without knowing where you are going to land does it ?

Brew

Friend… If you tell her you are done and are divorcing and then backtrack and tell her that if she contacts AP again you are divorcing – and this time you mean it… Well… It weakens your position.

OK – I get it that placing ultimatums and then sticking to them no matter what is plain stupid. I get it that you want to save the marriage IF POSSIBLE. That’s why I’m going to suggest something that gives you more power than firm ultimatums. I call it open-ended ultimatums.

Basically, you tell your wife a couple of things:

You might not want divorce, but it is BETTER than sharing her or thinking AP is in her heart and mind where you should be.

Right now, the ONLY thing keeping you in the marriage is a hope and wish that you two could work things out. But you need to feel and see that SHE is committed.

The ONLY WAY you two can survive is from a base of total truth. ANY truth shared now will do less damage than some minor item you might discover 12 months from now. Get it? Learning about a recent meeting NOW will do less damage than learning 12 months from now that they kissed more often than you know of now.

Learning new major factors later is a clear indicator she doesn’t trust you.

Tell her that she has a short window NOW to answer all your questions. She doesn’t have to – if she wants out then she can get out. But if she wants YOU she needs to answer all your questions.

There are actions and steps she can take that will build up trust. Things like total openness with her phone, mail, schedule. Things like a commitment to NC with OM. Things like letting you know of any accidental contact or attempt to contact from him.

Tell her that every time you feel a reluctance or think she’s holding back or not committed… It erodes your hope and will to reconcile. At some point you might reach a point where you are content with the concept of divorce. That point could be triggered by some major event like learning she’s still seeing OM, but it could also be triggered by a build-up of lesser issues.

What’s the advantage of this approach?

Well… You told her that ANY contact with OM will lead to divorce.

So, what if he meets her at the car-park at the mall and tries to talk to her? She could be perfectly innocent of initiating that contact, but according to YOUR ultimatum it’s contact. Chances are she won’t tell you about it and justify that decision because she didn’t plan to meet him and shrugged him off.

Or you could back down from your ultimatum… Making you sound weaker.

With my suggestion she should ideally let you know right away that AP confronted her and how she reacted. She would do that because she would fear that EVEN IF she shrugged him of then by keeping it a secret it would add some grains of sand on the scale of divorce. It also allows YOU to decide where to place those grains: divorce because of the OM trigger, or reconciliation for her reaction to the situation.

Meet with the attorney and get the ball rolling. If anything, you can call off the D down the road if she pulls her head out of her ass and starts acting somewhat contrite. She's a wishy washy cheater like my WW. She wants all the excitement of screwing around with others but doesn't like the idea of losing her meal ticket.

Brew3x,

A 2x4 coming in....

Your posts smell of desperation, and am sure your WW can smell it too.

Your WW will be playing you like a fiddle, because she knows that she hold the true power in your M, as you like to avoid conflict, and rugsweep to hell and back.

You might be thinking; 'WTH is RR talking about?!? I asked my WW to tell me the details, and she did!'

Well, yes, you did, but then you left that as the absolute truth, because you want to sweep this under the rug as soon as possible (see quote below).

I’m pass the point of moving out, I’m not getting a polygraph. I told her I work go day by day and she assured me she would have not contact, yes I know this could be BS.

You know it could be BS, but you are accepting it, as you do not really want to dig down for the truth, as it might shatter your perception of your WW.

You want to act tough. Make demands. Set boundaries, etc. To show that you are in control.

The problem is, boundaries/demands/etc are hollow words if no action is taken to enforce them. If they are not enforced, it reinforces to the other party that you really have no control, that your bark is worse than your bite.

If anyone is willing to help with a possible path forward I’m all ears.

Are you really? You have been given a load of great advice so far......

I am meeting with an attorney Friday just in case

This is a good place to start.

This is the same woman who you supported through multiple bouts of cancer, and then she cheated right?

What makes her so great that you haven’t kicked her to the curb yet?

The are 160+ million women in the United States. You could probably throw a rock and hit a better one than what you have now.

if anything I feel like if I need a polygraph I need a divorce.

I agree 💯%!

if anything I feel like if I need a polygraph I need a divorce.

This is a point I keep coming back to myself. If the only way to get honesty is to force it, how do you get to the point of real comfort, enough to actually reconcile?

I guess if there's a heartfelt outpouring from the WS at some point, it's clear. But I'm feeling very much the same way. If it's only internal work of the BS, the danger of self-delusion seems pretty major.

This isn't a court of law where you need absolute proof.

All you need is enough for you but most can't/won't make a decision on that.

I’m not sure how much truth I need, I know exactly when they met, I know there was sex, I know when I caught them. I’m not sure it matters if they met 20 times or 22 or 40. I can’t change what happened, her, or the future, I can only focus on the now. I’ve decided to stay in wait and see mode if she puts in the work and remains open I feel like I could move forward. For the nay sayers out there I supported someone through someone extremely difficult times and a strong bond was formed, yes she shit all over that but it just doesn’t just go away. WS do horrible things but it doesn’t make them horrible people. I don’t care if people say I’m being weak or desperate. Maybe the people that think they’re being strong just can’t accept what happened.

Brew3x:

You do you. You know the intricacies of your situation more than we do. Whatever, your ultimate decision is, R or D, both are okay, and it doesn’t make you weak if you choose to R. That’s laughable. You will receive support no matter which path you choose. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. It’s your life. Be vigilant. Always value yourself. Your WW has to be willing to do the work. It takes some longer than others to come out of the fog. Good luck.