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Brew3x, taking things day by day is fine, but you're maybe skipping a few things that need to be addressed.

Is she remorseful? Is she wanting to R with all her heart?

What are her repercussions for her betrayal? It isn't mandatory she be punished, but she is broken and needs to fix herself. How is this being accomplished?

What about you? I recommend the '180', but if you're going to R and if you still lover her, you need to work towards that end for the sake of your marriage.

Brew, she initially confessed to only kissing. Did you finally get her to admit to more?

Yes she admitted to having sex and seeing him more than she originally said and gave me a time line. I saw a text to her sister that said I told Rob everything, could be bs I know. I feel like since I threatened divorce she is lifting from the fog, she had a mini melt down and now seems more like the person I knew rather than some liar I didn’t recognize, unless she is totally playing me It feels sincere. She said she is going to fix herself and read some books and be open and honest. If bye remorseful you mean does she recognize what she did was wrong, hurtful and sorry I would say yes. She says she will do whatever it takes to reconcile and put in the work but I don’t really know just a few weeks ago she was still lying.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 1:02 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

I would put some protections in, like find my phone, for a while. My EX had an intense affair with the electrician working on our house. You could easily switch that out to a trainer.

Bottom line is her AP was never going to replace me. She was scared shitless that I was a whisker away from walking. There was no way she was going to see him again and jeopardize her life. And my EX was in good health. I imagine your WS is also terrified you may walk, which is probably amplified due to her health history. Hopefully that for the time being is enough to keep her away from him.

Long term fear is not a good motivator. I hope you get to the point where she doesn’t see him because she loves you enough not to want to be with him.

I saw a text to her sister that said I told Rob everything, could be bs I know.

Very likely she has figured out you are seeing her texts and she is sending stuff now for you to see. Let's go back a bit from your original post to this one. When you came here the first time it was a month from discovery and she was still telling you then that there was no sex. If I remember correctly you caught her when she had booked a room but before it was used, right? Now you know that there was sex.

What changed for you to find this out? Did you discover this or did she finally tell you on her own? Did you confront her with evidence that she couldn't explain? I'm just wondering if she has ever given you anything that you couldn't already prove.

She says she will do whatever it takes to reconcile and put in the work

A lot of WS say that. Is it a promise that she really intends to honor ? I'll bet there are limits to what she'd be willing to do. Therein lies a good indicator of her sincerity.

Is she providing transparency ? Are you sure she is no longer in contact with her AP ?

I get that you can accept that it happened. That is very good. However she still seems a little foggy and may not be at remorse yet.

Remorse is hard to pin down, but most WS don't get to that stage immediately. Some will claim they do, but it is pretty rare to happen.

What is her plan to show you that she wants you, the M and you can trust her again ?

I am not saying you should trust her right now, but it is something she will have to earn.

Has she had a STD test ? It might help drive home the reality of her choices. Plus it is wise for your own health.

Keep all of your options on the table. Keep the wait and see approach. That isn't weak it is wise.

Just throwing this out there but you don't need to do anything on anyone's timeline but your own. I stopped counting days, weeks, months, it doesn't matter, that was then this is now. I haven't made any decision whatsoever.

I came to the conclusion about a month in I can't do anything about my marriage until I sort myself out. I am doing that with a therapist, daily trips to the gym, spending time with old friends, spending time with my kids, and work, which is now and always has been 60 plus hours a week.

I can't move on, or forward, until I reconcile what my marriage was, who she is, and who I am. If I come to the conclusion that my entire marriage, or my wife, or my life for that matter, was a fraud I can't invest in a future with her. It has taken me a lot longer than 7 weeks to process this and I am nowhere near done.

So far I have decided I really don't want a life where I need or even want to check my wife's phone, location, or social media. I am certain I don't want to live a life doing those things, my time matters and I will be damned if I spend it playing junior detective.

For now I am trying to see how this all shakes out. I am making time to spend time with her but I am nowhere near trusting her. I wouldn't say we are even at a stage where one would think we were dating, it is more two people bound by extremely complicated familial and financial interests that require both of our attention. I would liken it to a workplace, where it would be rude to avoid your co-workers birthday or callous not to ask how are you. Like any job, I guess, I feel like I am being kind to my co-worker and if in time things come together so be it, if not that is ok too.

I never thought I would make it this far. I am on the hook for a one year lease at a place I rented near work, I was dead set on ending my marriage and never speaking to her again. That isn't so easy with kids, finances, debt, so here I am. Things are improving slowly but there is a long way to go.

Upfront it's normally self protection mode. Long term you just don't know. Clarity dies come so see reality not what you want to see.

Thank you zirconia you’re post was helpful to me

Things you need to demand from her.

1. Establishing and maintaining NC

2. STD testing, and you see the results not she tells you.

3. Complete transparency with all electronics, no passwords, no privacy for her.

4. IC for her to figure out her why's otherwise she won't be a safe partner for you. Saying it will never happen again, doesn't work.

Things you need to do for yourself.

1. STD testing

2. Consider therapy as this is a major trauma and I see a willingness to rugsweep and move on in you.

3. consult an attorney, no one should R or D without doing this. You need to have a clear understanding of what your rights are and her obligations are.

4. Be prepared to carry through with consequences should she not meet any of your demands heading into R.

Hi Brew3x

Please read tushnurse's post above you should be considering all her advice above especially the need for her to get STD tested.

I hope I am not projecting to much but in your writing you sound so sad even defeated. Please take care of yourself, infidelity betrayal is traumatizing and dangerous to your mental health.

Vent and post your feelings, go to friends and family. Take the advice that helps and leave the rest.

Maybe Bigger and a few other old timers can chime in more and help you process this if you want to R, his advice is usually spot on.

I hope she is not wound up in this affair to deep and can get remorse quickly. I hope she can drop this trainer like a POS he is. To often WW go back down the rabbit hole and destroy you again.

Did she give any reason she allowed herself to betray you? Did the cancer play into this at all? I hope she has truly ended this shitstorm and can put the work in to help you heal.

(((Brew)))

I feel like over the last few days things have improved slightly my ww seems more like the person I once knew she seems to be opening up to me more, it feels like the emotional energy she was spending on her ap has shifted back to me and our marriage. I realize this could not be the case but defiantly can feel some sort of change in her. She also revealed the affair to two of her aunts old school ladies who defiantly would never approve of this behavior, I see this revelation as a positive sign. Things are still are still very touch and go though.

Yes she admitted to having sex and seeing him more than she originally said and gave me a time line. I saw a text to her sister that said I told Rob everything, could be bs I know. I feel like since I threatened divorce she is lifting from the fog, she had a mini melt down and now seems more like the person I knew rather than some liar I didn’t recognize, unless she is totally playing me It feels sincere. She said she is going to fix herself and read some books and be open and honest. If bye remorseful you mean does she recognize what she did was wrong, hurtful and sorry I would say yes. She says she will do whatever it takes to reconcile and put in the work but I don’t really know just a few weeks ago she was still lying.

OK, this is positive.

I'm going to say this despite the fact you know it. If she puts in the time and effort to try and R and prove to you she loves and wants you and your relationship, then you need to reciprocate a bit. Little by little. Seems to me you are off to a good start.

I’m not getting a polygraph

Hmm why not? It’s literally the most effective tool in your arsenal for exerting psychic pressure to get the truth. That’s what it is for and as someone else said on a different thread, it slices through lies like a hot knife thru butter.

So I don’t get why you’d back away from that.

Also is the timeline WRITTEN or just verbal with notes that you have so it’s harder to track which lies she’s telling at any given moment? If not written you’re making a big mistake.

Have you tested yourself for STDs and demanded she do the same? If not you’re playing Russian roulette with your health.

7 weeks, brother, you’re in for a rollercoaster ride. Chances are she’s still lying and when that starts really sinking in with you you’ll be flooded with righteous anger.

Good luck and do what is right for you!

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