SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New on here, so forgive me if this takes a while to explain

We've been married 40 years and all seemed fine until 2011 when I found he was sexting a woman abroad, had also used a prostitute and had given me an STI. He'd recently lost his job and been ill so put it down as a passing madness which I perhaps foolishly believed

In 2015 I came down with an STI and discovered he'd carried on using prostitutes. Hellish upset followed, with him insisting it was for "stupid excitement", "couldn't believe what he'd done" and "would do anything to make things right". Somehow we carried on, though things were never the same again

Cue last week, when a bank problem revealed that he's now being blackmailed by a prostitute - so far over £30k is involved and so are the police. Worst of all, though, I've learned he started using them as a teenager, carried on after marrying me at 25 and has just never stopped. He's absolutely emphatic that this is nothing to do with me and that there's nothing I've done, not done or could do which would have made any difference; basically he thinks it's an "addiction" he can't resist

At 63 I'm quite simply reeling; I have no family at all to share this with and no outside support of any kind - if I had, I almost certainly wouldn't still be here now

Please does anyone have any words of wisdom as to what the hell I do next??

He’s right about one thing: this has nothing to do with you.

More people will come to give you advice. Hang in there. It’s the weekend and it can be a little slow on these forums during the weekend.

He’s right about it being all on him and not you. From here, you can decide to stay or go, but speak with an attorney quietly and quickly to learn your rights. Go see a therapist as well. This is enough for anyone to need extra help.

Dear lady, you are not alone! Come over to the I Can Relate forum, there are 2 topic forums where you will find many others who have had some of this happen, myself included.

The Emotionless Infidelity forum was created specifically for BS of partners who had sex with others the way yours did; The Spouses of Sex Addicts forum lately has been getting more frequent posts from many of the same members, so I'd visit each of them for some support.

My husband is another man who traveled the globe for business and came from one of the Commonwealth countries "down under." Like yours, he confessed he lost his virginity to a prostitute; when I married him, he was 39 years old and told me he had "never had a girlfriend," which to him, I suppose, was not a lie, except when he admitted to me that he had never had sex with anyone in his life. (He was "acting shy" like he was ashamed to admit his virginity, knowing he was telling me the most gigantic lie of his life! For some reason I stupidly believed him.) It turned out he'd been with over 110 prostitutes and then met his "his first real girlfriend" = ME. He thought I'd "cure" him of his little "habit" that I knew nothing of.

How screwed up they are, does not begin to explain or excuse what they did to us. I will tell you that usually, there is FOO (family of origin stuff) that starts them on this path: they're either modeling sick behavior they saw or reacting to something sick that happened to them early in their lives. In other words, their choices do NOT stem from their relationship with their wife, that's for sure!

As Mene and many others will confirm, this really wasn't because of any quality you did or didn't have. You have been horribly misled by him for so many years, and I am so sorry. (((Whatahellofamess)))

I'm so sorry you're here and the predicament you have, too. I know it hurts like heck. My H was my 'prince charming' who came along after my H of 32 years passed away when I turned 50. We've been married a little over 15 years now, and were best friends until I found (long story-try to make it short- my story is on ICR/Spouses with Same Gender AP's) him going on a CL date with a man 3/18. After searching his computer for a year (went back a long way) and phone ... I had NEVER gone through his stuff before this happened, and found, after he told me he liked sex with both men & women, but hadn't had sex w/men since we've been together. He had emailed many men from dating web sites, and finally got him to admit he went to see them. BUT, he adamantly said he didn't have sex with ANY of them because they "didn't meet his standards"...hmmmm. I had to live with it because I had no proof or way to find out....at the time.

Finally, after I kept on to him about a name in his phone and texts every 2 weeks to that # for at least 1 1/2 years (as long as the phone records went back online), and more that just didn't 'fit', he admitted to an affair with that man for 2+ years. He has a really bad memory (not just for convenience THIS time..he really lost brain cells when he did drugs before 2000), and can't remember when it started. But, until last Sunday, he said that was the ONLY man he had sex with since we've been together..

Now, this is where our stories are similar. Sunday, when he saw I was going through with the polygraph test about all those men from the internet, he admitted to others. He named off 8 more that day & said he'd tell me more when he remembered them. There were SO many, he can't remember all of them! (at least we didn't get STI's!, thank goodness. Sorry you had to go through that).

He also changed his story & now I know it started before we got married. We were together all the time. I was working with him for the first several years we were together, so he was going through a lot of trouble to find the time for this!

We've been trying to work on our marriage since he told me about the affair in June. We had been also trying to do something after my finding out about the CL date. I was devastated from just that! And, he said he DIDN'T go through with it (he did..one of the people he added Sunday...doesn't even know his name). None of it was emotional, just oral sex. But, he had sex twice since he was "caught" on the CL date and knew how much it had hurt me, and it also nullified all his other excuses, too.

I don't know if I'll stay, either. Same as you, I'm 66, I'm ill, and parents are gone. Brother & sister have their own lives. So, it's not as easy as if I were younger.

Are the police helping you at all? Sorry, I don't have any experience with that, so I'm of no use there. Just the betrayal stuff. Getting a lot of experience there .

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted. I'll be checking in.

(((((HUGS)))))

Thanks for replying, Mene and deena, but even though the choices were all his and I may not have been able to influence them, the effects are all on me ... after all he's had a lifetime of this but for me the sheer extent of it all is new

I simply can't get my head around the tainting of everything I've ever known; every single life event for 40 years has taken place against the background of a lie and I really don't know where to turn

I did visit a lawyer in 2015 and know I'd be okay financially, but it's the trauma of having no back-up which has kept me here so far. The police did refer us to a "crime care" group who can apparently recommend counsellors, but they've not yet been in touch and I'm floundering ... and all the time he's behaving as if nothing much has happened, just like last time

Thank you too, Superesse and Susanne - I cross posted with you both

I'm a bit uncertain of some of the acronyms, but our stories seem uncannily similar - and yes, mine is also using "childhood problems" as an excuse, claiming he could never get girlfriends and was always the odd one out (partly true since he's always struggled to relate to others)

Thing is, though, I just feel too old to start again but don't know where this leaves me. I can't compete with the excitement of teenage hookers (and frankly don't want to even try) but how can I live knowing I'm constantly being compared? Although he says that "at least I don't cost as much" and genuinely seems to think I should be pleased about that

He says WHAT?!!! Now that is just degrading to you! I am angry to read this. Wow, isn't HE special. You deserve to get him OUT of your hair any way you can. Oh. I've never seen such "cheek." Because even as a "joke" anybody with half a brain ought to know that wouldn't be funny to the betrayed wife. He sounds really mental.

That's just the point though, Superesse - even after all this, his mind simply doesn't function in the same way as most and he wouldn't see how offensive this was. Either that or he'd become angry if told, and claim "whatever I do you'll say it's wrong", so putting it all back onto me

Sorry, Susanne, I didn't reply to your bit about the police

Obviously the money's gone, but because of the blackmail they're going to bring the hooker in for questioning; without giving details, the officer made it clear she's done this before

I'm less bothered about that than accessing some kind of support, though; as said, they mentioned a crime care group but they haven't been in touch yet and I don't know if they can recommend counsellors even if they do

You say his mind works differently, yes that is clear.

To me it sounds almost like he might be one of those men with "asperger's." Nowadays they call it being mildly on the autism spectrum: is he high-functioning, very smart, often talented in the areas HE is good at, while still seeming to have poor people skills? Often children with asperger's do have a hard time making friends, because they tend to blurt out comments that offend other people or just are awkward, and then due to their inability to perceive that other's minds might work differently than theirs, they cannot figure out why what they said was hurtful!

Because I discovered the hard way that I had married a man like this, as part of my "healing journey," after discovery day (D-Day), I went back to uni at age 55 to earn an undergraduate degree in Psychology, with a particular course focus on mental health disorders. I learned that when they are born with that kind of brain, it's punishing for the spouse, always "compensating" for their lack of social awareness, positive feedback or capacity to give-a-shit, to use slang! Inability to "put themselves in another's shoes." Well, that knowledge does little to help us, other than to try to explain that there are brain differences where they tend to be "unaware" of other people in their world as separate humans with hearts and minds of their own; their default approach often seems to be having an "I-IT" relationship with the persons in their lives.

Again, this "difference" usually shows up in their earliest life and sorry to say, there is low likelihood they will be able to "see" their problem, since they are ruled by their own internal logic. I am so sorry. There's a little online about men with aspergers in relationships, but already the terminology has shifted, and now it's lumped in with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I often am expected to "read his mind" when he doesn't even communicate verbally what he is telling me, because HE knows it, therefore I MUST know it, too. That is another classic trait.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of this fits your situation, but no matter what, you need to take care of yourself - starting immediately!

Sweet Lady,

After all this time, this is who he is. This is who he ALWAYS has been. Hoping for change will make you ill, so do not try.

If you can leave, do so. The 30K pounds will come out of his half of the divided assets.

But with advancing age and health issues, that can be difficult. No one will judge you for taking that into account. In-house separation is terribly hard in the beginning, but can be done. Or stay married but make him move out. Or you go on a series of monhs-long cruises and safaris. His days as your husband not only are done, they never started. The only difference between then and now is that you know about the lies that were a constant in your life. I am so sorry.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:35 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Yes, Superesse - the thing of being highly able in certain fields but socially hopeless fits him very well, and in fact it's how he came to lose his job (a professional one where he upset everyone who mattered)

Call me selfish, though, but while I can buy the "alternative mind" thing it doesn't exactly help me. I haven't the least doubt he'd seize on any "excuse" to avoid the mess he's created, but it's still going to need addressing somehow ...

His days as your husband not only are done, they never started

Yes, and that's possibly what hurts most of all: 40 years - the vast majority of my adult life - completely down the drain

Thank you for not judging me over the difficulty of starting again on my own though, and actually you've sparked an idea about the cruise. We always loved cruising together, but it's without doubt a good option for a lady on her own

Yes, I'm going to print off Odonna's pithy summary. It's so true. It's so lonely. It's not fair to us to hobble through life coupled up with someone like this, but just to warn you up front, it's not that asperpergers/ASD persons don't want to hang on to their relationship with "the wife" (as sort of their personal 'teddy bear')! So don't be surprised by that. Deep down, they recognize they need a social navigator and someone who "accepts them as they are." Unlike the typical "cad," therefor, they tend to really cling to you like a tick...I've come to view it not as "love" per se, maybe more of their psychological NEED for a functioning, normal partner. And as people with hearts as well as minds, it can be SO difficult for us not to feel compassion when finally they feel they must express THEIR need for us to stay. We know WE desired a connection.

Well, but then, what about US? You see, we aren't getting OUR need for connection or trust met from THEM. And we cannot expect it. So, turn any compassionate response away for a time from reacting to him trying to protect himself from fear and pain of losing what he never entered fully into (marriage) to begin with! Save your sanity any way you legally can. Maybe you can just be "friends" like I have tried to do, but In House Separation is so draining, and if there is continuing distrust, it's very corrosive to your health, as well.

I am working to have my SAWH (Sex Addict Wayward Husband) move out of the house he deeded me, but maybe I won't decide to go through with a divorce, unless he asks for it. I'm almost 69 years old, so this age thing is a shadow for my future. I don't like the prospect of a Divorce, as I'm not going to "date." Yet I can't see the rest of my life pass by, trying to stomach marriage with such mental lopsidedness, on top of the cold-hearted infidelity.

You write a great deal of sense, Superesse, and I truly hope the arrangements you're aiming to put in place work out for you

I'm 63 myself, but my mum, grandma and great grandma all died pretty young, so there's always the thought that it may not last that much longer for me anyway - all things to factor in when thinking of the future

Anyway it's nearly 11.30pm here in the UK so am off to bed (just didn't want folk in the US to think I was ignoring you!!)

Best thing you can do is get yourself a counselor to support you.

Now that you know the details I think the blackmail should stop - correct?

Welcome, friend. Sorry you’re here but glad you found us. 8 years ago when I discovered my WS was leading a double life, this place was a lifesaver. You will get through this, maybe with him, maybe without. But know this, you will be okay...eventually.

For those of us who discover that our entire marriage, not just a few years, but it’s entirety was paired with infidelity, it is an overwhelming reality pill to swallow. You begin to doubt everything in your life, not just your marriage. But know this, addicts - and it sounds like your WH might be an addict - are incredible liars. This is not your fault.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this - get a good IC and consider seeing a CSAT or a trauma specialist. Discovering chronic infidelity is truly a traumatic event. YOU need support. The marriage can go to the back burner for now. Once you’re in a better space mentally, then you can make some decisions about him. He should take care of himself for now, and all of your energy should be on you.

I’m so sorry you’re here, but it is a good place to be. Love to you, dear friend.

every single life event for 40 years has taken place against the background of a lie

That's a lot. I'm so sorry you'er going through this.

I recently discovered my husband has been seeing sex workers for the duration of my marriage as well. It's nothing short of traumatic.

I also caught him very early on and like you chalked it up to some unusual life stresses and decide to believe it was anomalous. It wasn't.

My STBX has been doing this since he was very young. I don't think he can stop though he swears he wants to and has stopped since Dday - I don't believe him.

You're going to need support - this place is a lifesaver and try to get in with a therapist asap.

Please does anyone have any words of wisdom as to what the hell I do next??

Yeah - RUN. He has literally RISKED your life for 40 fucking years.

Did you know a lot of STDs don't even show symptoms until permanent irreversible damage is done?

GO get tested ASAP. And then go back and get tested some more. Because I believe you have to follow up on HIV testing every few months to be sure. No fucking around.

Get the fuck away from that man. He's not worth your life. 40 years of infidelity - 40 years of infidelity with HOOKERS - is not salvageable - IMHO.

Yeah - that's a hell of a mess HE created. Now save yourself from the mess that HE is.

And I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not trying to sound harsh - but realistically speaking - if he had wanted to get help for this "addiction" he would have done it before he married you. I'm kind of mad for you. Sorry.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 12:45 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]