SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, the issue with the SIL’s A is a thorny one. I’m not in the camp of forcing your WW to tell her BIL. Relationships with sisters generally have a strong and unique bond. If you push your WW to blow this up with the BIL, this would most certainly cause what could be an irreparable rupture between them and you would be held accountable. I believe the best course is for YOU to inform the BIL.

Now, the bigger issue is how your WW is handling this with you. From all that you’ve posted, it doesn’t appear that you and WW are best friends or even committed life partners. Your WW’s refusal to even discuss a major family crisis speaks volumes about the state of your relationship. What else has she decided not to share with you? She’s acting more like a roommate that committed W. Is this how you want to live?

I will try to give my wife a chance here. Then I'll do it anonymously if she doesn't pull through.

This0is0Fine, it will be crystal clear it's you. If your wife won't do it, just call him up and let him know. Best to stand up and do this man to man.

Just my opinion, but I would cut your WW out of telling the BIL of this infidelity.

I would contact your BIL yourself and inform him of what you know and how without telling your WW or your SIL.

I struggle to trust a cheater to have integrity and do not believe a cheater can become honest as quickly as we are expecting your WW to be.

My train of thought may be flawed, but it sets an expectation for behavior for your WW and shows her that no bull shit will be tolerated going forward.

Again, just my opinion.

This0is0Fine,

This situation with SIL is really unfortunate and tricky. I understand completely the mindset that, if you know of the infidelity, you should disclose to the BS. However, you are conflicted in this situation.

First, you are not the perpetrator in this instance. You have no duty to the BIL. Your relationship with SIL and her BS is solely through your wife. With respect to your SIL's infidelity, you are not involved.

The most important loyalty that you owe in this situation is to your wife. I assume that she told you about this situation in confidence. I do not see how you could violate her confidence, and then expect to save your marriage. I believe, that in the specific circumstances, the "greater good" must prevail. You must maintain the confidentiality between you and your wife.

You do owe your wife a duty to support her, to help her to do the "right thing", which IMHO is for your wife to encourage strongly her sister to disclose her infidelity to her husband. Your duty is to stand by your wife.

If your moral outrage is so strong that you feel you must take it upon yourself to make the disclosure to your BIL, you should be damn sure that you will be able to live with the consequences of the blowback from your wife.

As outraged as I am about the infidelity, I could not betray my wife by breaking a mutual bond of confidentiality within the marriage. The situation sucks, but the marriage bond trumps your moral indignation in this situation (IMHO).

I can not argue against the feelings of the majority of posters wrt this issue. They are arguing in good faith and following their principles. I can only present my perspective. I am a stoic and a utilitarian, along with Christian. I believe that the world puts you into situations where what is "right" is not always clear cut. In those situations, you must act on what you believe is the "greater good" and apply appropriate priorities to your actions. So, I come down to 1) your wife is your priorty not your BIL and 2) this situation sucks. The only principle that is often used in this site that might be of any assistance wrt your SIL's infidelity is "not your zoo, not your monkeys."

My comments are just for your consideration and if not helpful, please ignore. If any other poster wants to rip me for my comments, know that I will concede that you have valid arguments. However, I will not yield on my conclusion.

Sending strength and support.

[This message edited by PassThis at 11:46 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

I will try to give my wife a chance here. Then I'll do it anonymously if she doesn't pull through.

Okay. She doesn't need a couple of weeks though. Tell her to talk to her sister this weekend. That should be a no-brainer for her as demonstration that she actually understands that condoning betrayal is not going to fly with you. If she can't prove that she's made the effort, go ahead and tell your BIL next week. Even if she does try with her sister though, you should follow through in 10 days or so to be sure that he really was told.

And yes, this will have to be the focus of some marriage counseling sessions.

Hellfire makes a good point. She should inform YOU of the nature of her sister's A immediately. At the moment, Thisisfine has no proof. Giving the SIL a 2 week headstart is dangerous. That said, if the A is in the past, and she's just witnessed her sister's H learn of her A, she is likely to have already deleted any existing evidence.

Thisisfine - If your wife refuses, and I suspect she will, informing your BIL anonymously is not a good idea. A) people are more likely to brush off/ignore warnings from an anonymous source B) your wife and SIL are going to know who it was anyway.

This is really bad, TIF. I don’t think this can be overstated. You’re obviously dealing with a family that has a cavalier attitude toward female infidelity. And now I’m suspicious these two sisters have supported wayward behavior in each other for years.

I wouldn’t be surprised to next learn that your wife’s mother had committed infidelity in the past. Not to speak ill of the dead, I’m only speculating, but if both sisters are hyper rationalizers about this it makes one wonder.

Put yourself in your BIL’s shoes. Would you want him to tell you if he knew something? How would you feel if you found out later he’d been sitting on information you should have known?

My advice is to expose your SIL immediately and tell your BIL. Also a standard piece of advice was to expose your wife’s infidelity to her family, so kill two birds with one stone here. Your wife’s reaction to this direct set of actions will speak volumes.

I predict she will be enraged and what will that tell you?

Don’t wait for your wife to pull her head out her ass yet again. It’s clear to me at least that isn’t going to happen.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:27 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Allowing your WW to a timeline to “decide” just communicates more weakness and continues to allow her to drive. She’s already proven to be a drunk driver who should not be behind the wheel of the vehicle of your life. Take control of the car from an irresponsible driver before she runs it off a cliff.

You know what--I now see that a grace period of 2 weeks is too long. I was thinking at the time that it would be best for everyone involved--including her husband--if SIL did the right thing and told her husband BIL himself.

But at the end of the day BIL needs to know and deserves to know, and soon.

@PassThis I am sorry but I completely disagree with what you wrote. ThisIsFine's loyalty should be instead to *his principles*. If WW and sister(s) condone infidelity then this marriage and her family is just not what OP want to be staying in anyway. Look at this another way--what if SIL had committed a criminal felony and was hiding from the law, wouldn't you feel an obligation to report her? And last but not least, OP's WW didn't "confide" in him anyway, instead OP actually overheard the phone call between WW and SIL.

And OP, this may very well just be a family you want to get the hell as far away from as you can. If I am not mistaken, WW's mother was an adultress herself? Maybe WW and her sister took up infidelity to avenge their mother's passing in some sort of sense. As in they are rebelling in what they feel is a paternity that they feel shames women disproportionately for cheating. And that you and BIL are just collateral damage.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:22 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

AFAIK my MIL never cheated on her husband. They divorced but not over infidelity. She actually had a really hard time seeing any value in herself, and never dated between the divorce and her suicide (about 3 years).

[This message restored by Webmaster at 4:12 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:55 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Regardless of whether their mother did, two sisters are engaged in infidelity almost simultaneously and both are interested in minimizing, blameshifting, covering it up, rugsweeping it. There’s obviously something strange going on in that family — and a lot is coming to a head you didn’t know about. The fact that this is happening concurrently seems like a big glowing red warning from the universe.

Regardless of whether their mother did, two sisters are engaged in infidelity almost simultaneously and both are interested in minimizing, blameshifting, covering it up, rugsweeping it. There’s obviously something strange going on in that family — and a lot is coming to a head you didn’t know about. The fact that this is happening concurrently seems like a big glowing red warning from the universe.

Yes. On top of my specific anxiety (that I still feel I am managing ok), I'm beginning to feel a dull, non-specific creeping sense of dread.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 4:12 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:55 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

I don’t blame you.

creeping sense of dread.

Good, that's reality knocking on the door of the palace in the clouds you've been hiding in.

You need to stop resting on the laurels of the tiny pity, and probably fake, victories your wife keeps baby birding to you every few days.

ThisIsFine's loyalty should be instead to *his principles*.

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. I believe that marital fidelity (which includes "spousal priviledge", mutual confidentiality) is a principle as well. What happens then is the prioritization of conflicting principles.

(W)hat if SIL had committed a criminal felony and was hiding from the law, wouldn't you feel an obligation to report her?

Unless I was the victim, I am not involved. In fact, I am not even an actual witness. I only have "hear say" knowledge. So, in this hypothetical situation, I would not impose myself into it. However, I get the point.

OP's WW didn't "confide" in him anyway, instead OP actually overheard the phone call between WW and SIL

I assume that WW and TIF were in an private environment. I believe that such an environment invokes marital confidentiality.

As I indicated in my previous post, WontBeFooledAgai and others all make good points. Still, the situation involves conflicting principles which then must be prioritized using the standard of "greater good." My comments are not presented as argumentative, but only as clarification to my thoughts/comments.

TIF is dealing with his own life-altering issues wrt WW. At this critical time, I do not think it wise to involve himself in Other People's Business and run the risk of torpedoing his efforts to save his marriage (assuming that is his prime objective at this time).

To be clear, if TIF views the facts of the situation as providing information and insight about his WW and her application of her principles and priorities (as Thumos et al seem to be suggesting), he may well decide that he and his WW have "irreconcilable differences" at the core of their beliefs. He can decide that his moral principles and outrage outweigh his marriage. In that case, he should make the decision to divorce her. Then, he is free of marital confidentiality and may inform BIL at will. Also, TIF's WW could inform BIL herself, or give permission to TIF to inform BIL, then the marital confidentialty principle issue would go away. Those hypothetical alternatives, of course, would create whole new troubles of their own.

I wish someone, anyone would have told me about my WW committing adultery. I don't care if it was for good intent or bad.

Passthis: pretty sure people are disagreeing because your entire opinion hinges on your missapplication of the legal concept of spousal privilege.

It's a craven shell game, you're hoping dropping some legal jargon will lend it credence.

I don't know why she can't just let it go.

Yes you do. You know exactly why!

This thrread is so frustrating to follow!

I don't want her to be in a relationship where she is harboring resentment toward me. If I just go full ultimatum tomorrow lets say, she will certainly resent me.

Okay seriously is this whole thing just a LARP?

WW's gonna go rent an AirBnB (and presumably fuck OM) to "think things over". Holy shit she is unbelievably cliche. After all the apparent effort and honesty she seems to just be throwing in the damn towel. Probably because I got lied to about the PA being just an EA, probably because my wife has no actual remorse, probably because she doesn't think the POSOM is a POS. Who knows what combination of bullshit is still spinning in her brain. To think we had reached agreement on all this and now she blows up. She is trying to fuck with my head and I won't allow it. Unless she changes her mind PDQ, we are back on the D track. I hope y'all are enjoying the rollercoaster with me.

Had he only listened to the treasure trove of advice he's been receiving!!