SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I meant to sell off the goats on Friday night but I triggered so damn hard on my "WS Questions for BS" thread that I just shut down and felt like putting a bullet in my brain.

there's a lot of info on that thread when it gets to the middle of the pages until where it's at now, btw.

(ETA: Here's that thread, btw:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642810&AP=41&HL=

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:06 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

As for your WW - 180 her. Not about kids and finances? Don't respond. Don't take her phone calls. Stick to text ONLY. You need a paper trail now that "abuse" has entered her vocabulary. That puts you into a uniquely vulnerable position as a man and you need to be on high alert for her using any dirty tricks to get you out of the marital home or limit your access to your kids. One false accusation, even one that is cleared because of a lack of evidence, can make or break a future D for you. You need to be very careful about putting yourself in any situation where your WW has the opportunity to lie or twist things into making you look abusive and violent.

You are not in an easy position by any means but you have two options. You can keep going as you are destined for disaster emotionally and financially or you can stand up and take some power and control back in your life one step at a time.

Already doing this btw, but thank you for saying it to reaffirm.

Food pantry is not a problem exactly.

We kinda have food. It's not the best you might say but we aren't gonna starve. I'm more worried about going homeless or freezing or just harming myself from all the lonliness and lies and abuse and bullying and emasculating control and betrayal than most anything else.

But shutting our phone and electricity off are already real things. I got the phone/internet back on but I guess she has us owing $2,000 in unpaid power bills.

Ceph: I am so sorry you have been put into the position you’re in, but I’m glad you found us.

I can’t imagine a mom would walk out on her own children, but I read stories like that every week. That is something I cannot understand. But, I feel your pain – the humiliation, betrayal, lying, cheating, gaslighting, and so much more – and it is all real. I know how much and how deeply you are hurting right now, and there’s nothing like it in the world.

About the electric bill, she sure has left you in a bad situation. Call the provider and find out what options are available. Without a stable income, you won’t be able to pay the monthly bill, I know, but you will have a starting point. Call churches, etc. to see if there are some places that will help you with the bill. Around here, they will only pay about $50 each, but all these charities combined may give you enough to pay that first payment to the power company. Then, you’ll have a month to get things together. It will buy you some time.

Maybe it will help you feel a little better to get some of your story off your chest. You may have posted it before, but I can tell it is still eating at you. So, tell ME. Whom was your WW cheating with? Was it your boss? How long has she been cheating? How did you first find out and what have you learned about her activities?

I am so sorry this has taken place at this time of the year. Listen to what others are saying – it’s good advice. We all want you to live a happy, healthy life. And remember that here, you are not alone.

Beachwalker, I posted in JFO because my wife is being "unfaithful" in ways that are very clear to me.

As for actual adultery partners, I am thinking that she is only ripe for the taking at this point. Sorta like when you see the car on fire but it hasn't exploded the gas tank just yet.

She refuses to respect me and also likes to act like she's a victim of abuse.

And she did the same damn thing when she really was screwing her married with children coworker on the side who she kinda left me for back in 1995. She liked to play the victim then as well.

That false victim hypocritical bullshit is nothing new really, but her being gone for a week or four is.

Pretty crappy of her to not help with the electric especially with her 2 kids there!

And if she truly thought you were dangerous there is no way she would’ve left the kids there....her story doesn’t hold.

And if she truly thought you were dangerous there is no way she would’ve left the kids there....her story doesn’t hold.

I've said as much myself.

But she's always got a workaround excuse to reframe it.

I'm not "dangerous" exactly, I'm "emotionally abusive", because I look at her with an ugly look on my face when she shits all over everything with lies and disrespect and bullying abusiveness and narcissistic discard and violating trust and agreements.

My frowny face is abusive. Or my yelling at her when she mocks my grandfather's death... Oh and crumpled up paper. That too.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:27 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]

Ah, the “I’m the victim” card. I had that on played on me just last week. My WW said the men were predators and she was their victim. She and I have a getaway planned where we will spend some time in deep discussion, and this very subject will be talked about. I will tell her that when she was young and her step brother snuck into her bedroom during the night, and she would awaken to him touching her, that was when she was a victim. He touched her without her consent.

Fast forward 20 years and a married male college student flirts with her, and before you know it she’s in his apartment having sex with him. She went there voluntarily, knew sex was going to happen and went for the sex, then came back multiple times for more. That’s NOT a victim – that’s an accomplice. And when she sought out men on CL and flirted with them, she became the predator. She is no different than the men in her wake. The same is true of your wife, so I get how unbelievable the “victim” crap is, but our WW’s use that as an excuse. This makes it someone else’s fault and a way to avoid taking responsibility for the decision to have sex with those men and all the little decisions along the way.

Your wife sounds incredible. That VAR is going to become very valuable, I have the feeling.

Hang in there brother, and go see that lawyer tomorrow!

Is there a divorce in progress? Can you afford to divorce her?

Hi Ceph-

I can feel the desperation in your posts and I am sorry you are in the position that you are in.

I hope that my attempt at giving you a little encouragement and inspiration will help you.

Back in 2009, I had a friend who was overwhelmed by the effects of the 2008 financial crash. Within the span of that year he lost his construction business and started to struggle financially.

Of course, as soon as the money started to dry up, a lot of hidden long term grievances started to surface with his wife.

She found it necessary for the purpose of her own "personal growth" and "happiness" to file for a divorce and take up with her husband's best friend. She got the house in the divorce and a 28 year marriage was gone.

So now my friend is 50 years old (an age when everyone claims that it is too late to start over), he has lost his 28 year marriage, his business and his house. He literally has to move in with his daughter and sleep on her couch in her basement.

That first night on the daughter's couch was spent staring up at the ceiling, crying and wondering how the hell he ended up where he did. However, there was one other thing. A kind of determined anger started to mix itself in with the tears and self-reflection.

So much so, that by the time the sun started to come up, my friend had jumped up off the couch, determined that this was not going to be the way his life ends up, and using the newly formed chip on his shoulder as fuel, he went to work on himself.

For the next several months, he did everything he could do to put himself in a better position, including taking on whatever work he could find.

Through taking these actions, he came across an opportunity to become a mortgage loan originator.

From there, he started his own mortgage lending business that, just last year, broke $1 million in revenues. He is no longer sleeping on his daughter's couch because he owns a beautiful condominium that he uses to spend time with his girlfriend of 4 years who happens to be 15 years his junior.

His ex-wife married and divorced the best friend and has made several overtures to try and reconcile with my friend. He has driven by the house they used to share and it is in a state of disrepair. So, karma.

My point in telling you all of this is to reassure you that YOU CAN DO THIS!

It is time for you to do a mega-180. Focus on yourself and your kids only. Secure your finances.

I know it seems daunting, but if my friend can do this, so can you.

Find your bad-ass self and tackle one thing at a time.

We are all behind you!

That first night on the daughter's couch was spent staring up at the ceiling, crying and wondering how the hell he ended up where he did. However, there was one other thing. A kind of determined anger started to mix itself in with the tears and self-reflection.

So much so, that by the time the sun started to come up, my friend had jumped up off the couch, determined that this was not going to be the way his life ends up, and using the newly formed chip on his shoulder as fuel, he went to work on himself.--Serpico

This is happening to me as we speak.

But you sharing this very real life example helps give me a good kind of "mind movie" of it.

I think that this very "scene" is what I love best about the old Rocky films. He gets to a point in the build-up of the situation that he finally trains for a real win instead of a token bout. I guess you could say that he has to fight the opponent of himself and his own hangups and reservations and hurdles and self-doubts and fears and fogginess in his own conflicted mind and soul before he fights the opponent that he faces in the ring.

And then later in the actual, final physical fight with his tangible physical opponent, he has to get beaten to a point that he unleashes his full potential of who he REALLY can be and is on the inside and lets it all come out and work for him and those he loves and every value and belief that he stands for.

DAMN...

I never really thought all of that thru until now.

There really are at least three or more battles in every one of those early movies.

1) Himself

2) Those he loves and how they see and interact with him

3) The planet and public perception and interactions

4) His opponent

5) His mentor/coach/manager

6) Rinse, lather, wash your soul and Repeat numbers 1 thru 5

I'm listening Serpico, and the rest of you guys...

I'm finally starting to feel something other than just pain and being a damn victim for a change...

Please keep doing the "Mick" thing with me guys...

It's working...and I didn't realize how much...

That's what I really need right now. It's what I've needed for a LONG damn time, now that I think about it...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:11 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Ceph-

One of the most inspiring abilities that human beings possess is the ability to create ourselves.

Like my friend that I mentioned, the situation that you are in is nothing more than an opportunity to mold yourself. Remember, it takes immense pressure to create a diamond. You have been handed the pressure, now use it.

And since we are talking about movies, I am going to do you one better--Bruce Lee. Enter the Dragon. I have my favorite quote from that movie hanging on my wall in my office. (And the quote is delivered by the villan in the movie...go figure!):

"We are unique gentlemen, in that we create ourselves. Through long years of rigorous training, sacrifice, denial, pain, we forge our bodies (and lives) in the fire of our will."

I added "and lives" for relevant emphasis.

....and Rocky is awesome too!

I have no doubt that you are going to win this!

Keep checking in to let us know how you are doing.

Hey, Ceph.

Sorry you've found yourself here again and that you feel your WW is on the cusp of something bad.

I can't offer much. Just that you've been heard.

I’m sorry you have been handed such a crappy life and marriage.

But my mother wound tell you that now is the hard part. Rebounding from all this. It’s not easy or simple. But I think you need to focus on getting yourself back to a place of some happiness. Some peace. Some contentment.

I can tell you where I was during my H’s affair six years ago. 25 years of a good marriage and ny H wains in the door and announces he is having an affair. It’s nothing. It’s a mistake.

10 days later he wants a D. I have no $. None. Maybe $500. MY boss owes me about $45,000 in back pay. He is abusive. I end up at dday2 after months of false reconciliation and a very close relative who passes two days after dday2. My child is in an abusive relationship and I have that going on also.

My family was if no help at all. I was doing everything I could think of to survive. I slept 2 hours per night while my cheating H slept soundly. I lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose. I had the shakes every day. My boss screamed at me constantly but I could not afford to quit.

Life stunk. But I got up every day and did my best. Yes I was crumpled up on the floor in tears. But I faced it every single day. Because of my kids I could not just fail. It wasn’t an option.

Ceph I can tell you have something in you that will propel you forward. You’ve survived one hellish situation- your marriage.

You will get out and find peace. You will survive this. We all do. But I think you will do more than survive. I think you will find peace and happiness. It takes time. But you will get there.

The total and wholesale reality of abandonment and betrayal just crushes me at times.

I have my 2 youngest children.

That's about it. Period.

No one in my life has the decency or give-a-fuck to say a damn thing or do a damn thing about any of it other than enable the rape of my trust and sense of security and fidelity of people towards one another.

I feel like I need to be out of this world to get out of infidelity.

I'm not saying that as a suicide "threat" at the moment.

I'm saying that I don't know where "fidelity" even exists anymore. I haven't had "fidelity" from anyone on any real level IRL since my mom died in (Jan 1990) and then my grandpa died (1993).

No support or faithfulness where any kind of justice...any real honesty of any kind...is concerned.

Even my own older kids are all "wayward" now. They want nothing to do with any of the three of us except to lie and slander and control and disrespect and abandon.

It's so overwhelming to see everything just crumbling down around us at this time of year once again with the hearty, hate-filled "help and blessing" of those who I helped give life to...

I cannot fathom why people care so little now.

I can't recall ever even hearing or reading about such universal losses, I don't believe.

It's just...

Overwhelming to be alive with nothing but piracy, traitors, or else unmovable spectators like it's just a show at the Roman Colosseum or dungeon for them to watch for sport or else just stay away from.

At least those guys eventually got to die at some point.

I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment, but I do long for some kind of "liberty or death", and I don't know where to go for the liberty other than Christ, and of course that's mostly why I believe I keep ending up being rounded up and thrown back into that damned Colosseum/dungeon in the first place.

If I would just bow the knee like a good little liar and mindless, soulless eunuch, then all would be "well". But what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and yet lose his own soul in the process and the deal?

I am not the sellout or the quitter or the unfaithful, lying, abandoning, faithless coward that my wife and so many others are.

I refuse to yield and bow to all the abuse and bullying and lies.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:19 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Ceph-

You are scaring me a little bit with some of this talk.

I just want to point something out to you.

You may feel like you are completely alone, but look at how many people care enough about you to reach out to you through this forum-people who don't even know you.

I think there is a lot of hope in that.

There is a whole world of people out there that you could have satisfying relationships with. Maybe you have just been surrounded by toxicity for too long and you need a change of space.

Ceph - I don't post much anymore and really don't even check here often anymore.

With that being said, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm praying for you bro.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

There is a whole world of people out there that you could have satisfying relationships with. Maybe you have just been surrounded by toxicity for too long and you need a change of space.--Serpico

That is what I sold my home and relocated for.

But I didn't realize how much toxicity was still in my "remorseful" wife and her very falsely "remorseful" mother who tagged along as well.

Now, I'm just basically flat broke as far as having any available money to do anything like that with is concerned.

I foolishly poured everything into the wife and kids only to find that they only felt all the more entitled and enabled to fuck me and what's left of the family over.

Getting seriously injured didn't help either. I can't go back to what I was doing before.

My wife is on a plane with my older 2 kids going to her grandpa's funeral this morning as well, as I understand it.

They refuse to even meet with me to just have a discussion about anything...even with anyone else that they would like there in attendance or in public somewhere.

Which is all just the same bullshit narcissism discard/false victimization bullying assholery that they got from their mother and grandmother as a hand-me-down voluntary mental disorder.

Been there, done that.

Happy Fucksgiving and Merry Christmas! "Ho Ho Ho!"

I do recognize that folks on here are reaching out however.

With that being said, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm praying for you bro.--Wool

(Thank you, Wool...and so many others...)

I just wish that the ones I know in real life would care as much or even half that much instead of just being selfish and evil for the fun of it.

Merry Christmas! It's trigger central this year.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 3:04 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

I’m sorry you have been handed such a crappy life and marriage.

But my mother wound tell you that now is the hard part. Rebounding from all this. It’s not easy or simple. But I think you need to focus on getting yourself back to a place of some happiness. Some peace. Some contentment.

I can tell you where I was during my H’s affair six years ago. 25 years of a good marriage and ny H wains in the door and announces he is having an affair. It’s nothing. It’s a mistake.

10 days later he wants a D. I have no $. None. Maybe $500. MY boss owes me about $45,000 in back pay. He is abusive. I end up at dday2 after months of false reconciliation and a very close relative who passes two days after dday2. My child is in an abusive relationship and I have that going on also.

My family was if no help at all. I was doing everything I could think of to survive. I slept 2 hours per night while my cheating H slept soundly. I lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose. I had the shakes every day. My boss screamed at me constantly but I could not afford to quit.

Life stunk. But I got up every day and did my best. Yes I was crumpled up on the floor in tears. But I faced it every single day. Because of my kids I could not just fail. It wasn’t an option.

Ceph I can tell you have something in you that will propel you forward. You’ve survived one hellish situation- your marriage.

You will get out and find peace. You will survive this. We all do. But I think you will do more than survive. I think you will find peace and happiness. It takes time. But you will get there.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.--The1stWife

This is the type of high proof Christmas eggnog that I needed this morning to keep me feeling warm and fuzzy right here, btw.

It's one thing to hear people say anecdotal stuff that they borrowed off of a greeting card writer's FB meme somewhere...

It's another thing entirely to hear the straight stuff as a homebrewed autobiography version with all the raw edges and gut-wrenching bitter "medicine" of hard-lived realities giving it the depth of an essential oil or something like that.

Thank you for that.

I am getting a truly fine collection of "Christmas cards/posts" from you all that I can say that help me truly feel connected to the senders with this year, even if I've never met a single one of you IRL knowingly at least.

@ Beachwalker--What are we gonna do with our beaches? Maybe going for a cruise is a better idea.

@ Nekonamida--you were like an emergency first responder to me on here when I started my obscurely named thread asking for help here on the JFO forum on a desperate Sunday afternoon for the first time since I've been on SI.

I don't know if you are a beauty pageant winner or not, but you are beautiful to me, because you were my Christmas EMT. Thank you so much for reaching out so lovingly to me and being the invisible face and silent but verbose voice of someone that cared. I don't know if you realize how badly I needed it...

@ LizM

--I needed what you shared as well. Sometimes a person just needs some help with all the shoveling that has to be done when bulls are shitting all over the Christmas dining room&table and the turducken has gotten up and run away with the Bumpass's dogs with it's own damn wings and feet. I apologize for seeming to not reply to you while responding to others, btw. I really did process your posts, and I really do appreciate your 2 cents on this.

@ Westway

--No, no, no...(which rhymes with Ho, ho, ho, at least...) We are separated by mutual agreement for now.

@ Squid-- thanks for posting a howdy and letting me know I'm on your Cephalopodic mind.

My Christmas-card response to you is this thought-provoking irony:

A cephalopod (/ˈsɛfələpɒd, ˈkɛf-/) is any member of the molluscan class Cephalopoda (Greek plural κεφαλόποδα, kephalópoda; "head-feet"[citation needed]) such as a squid, octopus, or nautilus. These exclusively marine animals are characterized by bilateral body symmetry, a prominent head, and a set of arms or tentacles (muscular hydrostats) modified from the primitive molluscan foot. Fishermen sometimes call them inkfish, referring to their common ability to squirt ink.

Some cephalopods are able to fly through the air for distances of up to 50 m. While cephalopods are not particularly aerodynamic, they achieve these impressive ranges by jet-propulsion; water continues to be expelled from the funnel while the organism is in the air.[12] The animals spread their fins and tentacles to form wings and actively control lift force with body posture.

Thanks for using a lil ink to post in my general direction in the past as well as the present,

and from what I read here, I believe we can fly ....(even when we feel like we are just completely underwater)

@Wifehad5--how do you even manage to be everywhere at once to reach out to me and so many others on here??

I almost started to think you might be moonlighting as the real Santa with his virtual omniscience and omnipresence, but I guess you must just be one of his annual little "helpers" instead, because you aren't as falsely jolly all the damn time and don't act like you have a liquor-red nose during Christmas when you post stuff on here, even on the weekends...

@ BearlyBreathing--can I borrow your username for awhile? That's where I'm at lately...

So much for having a "Very Married Christmas" this year...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 4:47 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

I don't know if you are a beauty pageant winner or not, but you are beautiful to me, because you were my Christmas EMT. Thank you so much for reaching out so lovingly to me and being the invisible face and silent but verbose voice of someone that cared. I don't know if you realize how badly I needed it...

Aww, thank you.

I don't envy your situation at all. This will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever do. But there is peace and happiness on the other side. You WILL get there as long as you keep moving forward one step at a time.