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Well after a literally nightmarish night from hell with dreaming about my wife's adultery with #2 (AP#2, that is), I had a minor meltdown in the morning trying to keep it together for the kids and the sake of the farm things we had deadlines for.

My WW is away with the older 2 kids at her grandfather's funeral. He didn't last long after his beloved wife died this year.

Marriages also don't tend to last very long when the wife leaves and the love dies over time, either it seems.

I fought thru it and managed to catch a handhold/foothold grip on the way sliding down the slope of despair, however. And the sense of people caring in spite of my wife and so many others doing otherwise this holiday season is a lot of what helped me to do that.

My children and I regrouped and had a really remarkable afternoon together and got a ridiculous amount of shit accomplished TOGETHER with a peace and joy of pulling together that I have missed from days gone by in the rear view mirror of my times with them.

It seems like we are rediscovering and reclaiming what we used to know as a family even if it's just me and the two youngest ones instead of all 7 of us like it used to be.

The goats might be a week late being sold but we got them finally dealt with after all!

And even had a decent evening together when it was all said and done.

Ceph,

I've been following your thread and I'm so happy to read this most recent post. We have some dark days with this shit, don't we?

You and your kids pulled together and that's a beautiful thing. My youngest (20), with special needs, has been hugging me a lot and helping around the house and it helps a lot. We still have our little families.

Not well today.

Not well today.

Why’s that?

Hang in there Ceph.

Is it because it is Christmas Eve?

We are here if you need to talk.

I hope you are feeling a bit better. Think positive. Stay in the moment. Things can only get better. The healing process is slow. But you will wake up one day and you will have a better day. And slowly it will evolve to a better week etc.

Merry Christmas. Enjoy some part of each day if only for a few minutes.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:01 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

My wife didn't even give me any kind of warm greeting today.

She texted to let me know she couldn't talk this morning due to her other obligations and having slept past all of her alarms.

My two kids and myself are supposed to have Christmas dinner around 3 with another family today.

There were no presents this year for anybody, I guess. Yesterday, my daughter and son and I picked out a really nice "Thank you" themed Christmas card for the family that's having us over today, but that's about it for this Holiday Season of giving I guess...

My wife says she'll drop in late I think to eat and visit there for a bit but that's about it, as I understand it, anyway.

She's working today.

No greetings from her or any of my kids or family or friends or anyone but SI friends...

But at least you guys are reaching out.

Merry Christmas, SI Peeps

I DO at least happen to hear the damn "bells" or ringing in my ears from my birthday beating I gave myself last winter however...

I guess I hear the ringing of those bells in my ears so loudly this morning not because of it being Christmas, but because I'm a bit dehydrated from weeping and grieving with my friend and my children yesterday due to all the evils of this year and season... and also especially due to last night's death of my friend's dad due to an anuerism.

I was the only one he told because the grief was just too much for him to share with anyone else, and he didn't think anyone else could even remotely relate to his pain like I could.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 8:30 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

Hugs my friend.

Merry Christmas.

Hugs to you Ceph. You have been through a lot. The one thing about pain is that since you've been through so much you can relate to your friend's pain and be there for him. I'm sorry for his loss and yours too. When you are needed Ceph, you show up! This is an admirable quality.

Merry Christmas to you and your kids. Wishing you peace and joy. A friend recently said that Christmas is in the heart, which is so true. It's not the gifts that truly matter, especially when you aren't in a place to buy a bunch of things. Of course the gesture of gifts is wonderful, but a heart-felt thank you and being their for your kids and friend are the gifts that truly matter. You have a good heart.

Ceph, what do you plan to do from here on out ?

Cephastion,

You deserve so much better than you have received, but the way people treat us reflects on them, rather than us. I am sorry that those around you are not reaching out and making you feel treasured or cherished in the way that you should be, but their inaction does not mean that others - like those of us here - will not make the effort to let you know that you have more friends and well-wishers than you know about.

You are a good man, and you will get through this, because you have a firm and solid idea of who you are, and who you want to be. Never lose sight of that, regardless of how others may let themselves down. A lot of people here are rooting for you, and want the best for you.

Please be good to yourself, because you deserve it.

I don’t have much for advice at this time, Ceph. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I’m really sorry this one and many before have been hard. You are in my prayers.

Ceph,

Ok. I quit my job and moved to another state. After quitting, I had another dday. Half of my belongings were in the other state. My kids had been pulled from their schools. I was not able to rescind my resignation. I was stuck. I moved. It was hell. I pretended for my kids. They were miserable. I was miserable. Seven weeks later, after a head on car crash and no job to get another car, I managed to move us back and get the kids settled and back in school. I tell you all of this because people told me I had to stay in the other state. That I would have to stay married.

Well, it took a few months, but I have a new job. I have insurance. The kids are relatively stable and happy. I do that for them. In a few months, I’ll have the money saved to file. I’m scared about money but I’m ready for the peace of no longer living in IHS. I’m not going to lie. This has been hard. I don’t even know how I did it. I didn’t even have a refrigerator when I got here! I just took one challenge at a time. Your first challenge, it seems, is getting a job and getting some local help for your electricity. Start there. One step every day. Start today. You can do this. Dig out one bit at a time. I have faith in you. If it helps to post what your goal is each day, do that. I never thought I’d get back home or find a job. Somehow, it happened. I had 13 interviews! You will survive and thrive.

Dem

ETA, Ceph, I googled my state and “help with electricity.” Some ideas come right up. Salvation Army, United Way. You aren’t currently working. I’d think that would qualify you for some help. If you have to file separation to qualify, then that can be your first step to work toward. You can do this. You can. Choose one goal a day. One.

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 7:14 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Ceph,

I rarely post or reply anymore because I often feel out of my league, and that I have little useful to offer those who are enduring such great pain.

I am showing up here, now, to tell you that you and your children are in my prayers.

May your gifts this year be not material things (unless those things are the things you need!) but rather I wish you peace, clarity, and most of all, hope.

You were kind to me when I arrived on SI. I have not and will not forget your kindness.

Merry Christmas, my friend.

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[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 8:41 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

C you are strong. I am sorry she won't help you and is causing you distress.

There is something for you. You are too bright and creative to not share that with the world. You are honest and giving. Some organization needs you badly that's for sure. You need somewhere to put your talent to work. I feel just the same. I remember I was folding towels for a living while I was between creative work. I felt like my mind was going numb folding those towels but I came to start memorizing Shakespeare while I folded and the hours passed more easily.

I think of another poster who had that wife that ran off and left him to struggle with his son and he tried to give her everything, bought her a new car and drove the old one that was dying...

He eventually cleaned his home and repaired it and I remember when he told us he got a new car he wasn't ashamed of. Meanwhile his wife was still going on her path of destruction.

I'm so sorry C, you try to live the virtues. Life's been hard and unfair. Keep praying for strength and courage. You've been blessed with a wonderful creative mind. It spills out in your writing, your humor. You can't keep it in because it's so abundant. Find some time to get to a free class where you can use that creative talent. In my last class which was Adobe premiere video editing, there was a woman who was making amazing videos for her church. Talking to her, I thought of you....' that's what C should be doing! He has a familiarity and joy of movies and he has humor and wants to share love and mercy.'

Just get through this crisis and think how you can use your gifts. You could be a help to so many. I still think of you as a great tree with deep roots with wide branches reaching out to give comfort. That's not changed C. You're still the same person. You need to be where you're appreciated. So do I.

Then well see that great tree flower. Like the ancient tree that flowers only after a time. This is your time C. You will not be defeated. You will get through this and recover and find your place to use your amazing mind and generosity of spirit.