After I wrote this out I realized that I have the solution already. BUT I still posted it to hear others thoughts. Cant hurt. And as always, sorry for the length.
Hey everyone. I’m not sure if this would be right place to post this question or even the right audience. If anyone has a resource much like SI that they would share I would greatly appreciate it.
Here’s the backstory: DD16 and DD18 have been living with me permanently since the beginning of the year. No more random overnights at their mothers house. Divorce was considered “final” as of November 6th. That was 120 days from the judgement. Kids and I are pretty content and have very few issues.
DD16 spends a couple sundays a month having brunch with her mother. Almost every single weekend their is some sort of drama involving their mother and DD16. Often XWW doesn’t call about the weekend until Friday or Saturday night. I assume she is a grown woman and I don’t have to ask her myself. And those times I do ask, to be able to plan my weekend, she accuses me of “not trusting her to be a mother” or “tying to control.” So DD16 will have brunch, but when she comes home, I have to listen to how her mother makes her feel. Yes, she needs therapy. Of that I am aware. But I just listen for now, knowing she needs a trusting ear.
DD18 started college in the fall. As of that moment, she systematically began cutting her mother out of her life. She even admits to it. I quote her text message to me tonight :”I wish she would just leave me alone.”
Here’s the problem: tonight, I picked up DD18 to go to DD16 music concert at the high school. XWW was there already. DD18 walked past her to sit closer to the stage. I sat with DD18.
I receive text message asking why DD18 sat there, why she is ignoring her mother, etc. I offered an excuse (kid can’t see-which is true), but the next message was to continue interrogation of me. I ignored it.
End of concert. DD18 goes to see DD16 in music room. XWW is there, says some words to kid, kid is sad.
Later XWW pulls me outside. Chewed me out. Can’t remember for what exactly. I asked her “what do you want me to do here? What do you think I can do?” Her reply was “I’m asking you to act like her father for once.”
Lord this is long winded. If you’re still with me, I thank you.
History: a couple of days ago XWW texted me a novella. On it she asked what is wrong with DD18. Asks “why doesn’t she answer my texts.” (Note here: I always advise XWW to CALL her kids). In this long text she asks me not to “fix” anything but supply information. Basically be a spy. Also note on the last I have offered advice to her on how to reconnect to her kids.
XWW thinks kids are mad about the divorce. Truth- my oldest told me “it’s about time dad. She’s been walking all over you for years.”
The issue with XWW is simple. Until she can face herself she won’t ever see why the kids don’t respect her anymore.
Tonight I told XWW this: “your relationship with your kids is not a 5 minute fix. Nor a five day, five week or eve five month repair. You’re facing a five year minimum repair, that involves consistent behavior and attention to the kids. Not just spending time with them shopping. Taking an active role and treating them as young adults.”
She didn’t like that.
What I need: HELP!
How on earth do I get the hell out of the crossfire! I want to protect my kids, but I can only take so much bullshit before I’m going to snap! I feel as though I’m blamed for everything wrong. And when I try to help it backfires on me!
I practice no contact on a regular basis and often ignore attempts to lure me into conflict when we have to have contact.
Thoughts?
Thanks,
HCD