SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are we calling it love making now? It's just sex to me now (although, we haven't had sex in months).

Oral and anal, every imaginable position and location was good enough for her AP all those years ago and she has acknowledged that, but at 65 & 70, it’s just not on the table anymore.

Why are you staying with this person? You have one life man. She aint sorry for anything, not one damn thing, and she holds you in contempt.

DP

[This message edited by Westway at 1:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Agree with Westway on this. By now your issues are background noise to her. Whatever she has done to date about the A, that is the sum total of what she will ever do.

I remember commenting on this on the original post about the birthday card. I said you are more man than me. That would have been deal breaker for me. You have every reason to move on. Go have some fun, life is passing you by.

End of conversation.

Why was it the end?

You need to get angry and push this topic. If you have invested as much time on forcing her to answer as you have feelings, you might finally get some communication and admission out of her.

Deny her sex first. Why are you connecting with her like that if she isn't focused on your needs?

Force her to either address her rejections of you through words or actions. I know older people tend to be stubborn (Heard it called patience). If she refuses, then tell her you are going to a strip club(not porn, no threat of detection). Tell her you are going to satisfy your needs with or without her (don't cheat unless that is your last straw). If she wants to show she chooses you, she should show some interest in your needs.

Sometimes you have to push someone who is as full of themselves as your WW to action.

I also don't understand why you don't reject/deny her more? She is and has always been in control of the marriage. Why? You keep trying to force her reactions. Why not focus on your needs instead?

Good luck on this.

A BH going on a sex strike does not work.

many a WW will give up having sex after D day with

their BH. that is a price many WW will pay to keep

themselves from having to answer their BH questions

honestly.

same with the WW giving the OM full menu sex during

her PA and now after her PA she is again only

giving her BH the limited sex menu.

I thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I told both her and our MC that I’m done with the rug sweeping, lying and trickle truth. I voiced my anger and gave my “I’m out of here” speech. Time will tell the rest of the story. I have limited time to find joy in life and can no longer spend time trying to fix this. I’ve played my hand and intend to move forward alone if she wants to remain in her misguided game of hide and deceit.

Really, are WS’s that clueless?

Yes they really are that clueless. They really don’t get it. The few who do are unicorns — and they are some really self aware people you see commenting a lot here trying to talk sense into other WS’s.

Consider that someone must be a pretty solipsistic individual without much empathy to engage in adultery in the first place. They just don’t have it in then to extend their thoughts and feelings beyond the six inches in front of their nose or genitalia.

They may “comprehend” the idea that you’re in pain, but they don’t really feel a lot of remorse about it or discomfort. Most they are preoccupied with their own experience of the world and how much pleasure they can derive from it. Your wife’s reaction seems more common, emotionally retarded and par for the course.

It would simply be an affair.

I don’t think it would even qualify as an affair. It would just be a relationship for you. You’re wife doesn’t seem to have any remorse and she already divorced you spiritually, physically and emotionally by having a torrid three year relationship with another man. That’s 1,000 days of breaking the sacred marital covenant and the one essential vow upon which all other vows depend. She did that. Not you. And she doesn’t want to do much of anything to provide truth or restitution to help you recover. Which makes reconciliation impossible. So just move on and do what is best for you. Stop wasting your time venting to her and trying to untangle the skein of her fuckedupedness and attending psycho babble therapy sessions that are useless. Do what’s right for you. But do it for you not to get back at her. To hell with her.

I think it’s actually best that you begin to move on like you have stated above. You are not getting what you need to heal. And life is way too short.

But as you work to make a new life for yourself, I want to recommend you do one more thing before you walk out the door.

Write it all down. Be honest. Tell her exactly what you needed from her in order to heal from what she has done. Be transparent. Be detailed. Consider it a last opportunity you are giving her as a gift.

And cover everything. What you need to see feel and get from her emotionally, intellectually, sexually, romantically, lovingly, and what you need to heal and what you need to feel safe.

If you need her to buy you small meaningful gifts. Say it. If you need her to research global topics to discuss in the evening with you, say it. If you need her to make candlelit dinners every two weeks say it. And if you need her to go further sexually, blowjobs in movie theaters, sex on a beach, and yes, if you need her to agree to anal sex, say it.

She of course has the right to give you absolutely NONE of these things if she doesn’t feel like doing them with and for you. And you have the absolute right to walk out that door if you cannot live without them.

You can even say you don’t believe she loves you like she did the AP whom she gave some of these things willingly to and that she still sees him as someone who was more deserving than you. And you understand that, and you wish her well with her memories of him. But she’ll have them without you.

You don’t have to stay. 25 years of blatantly hiding what she did are not wiped away by shared time you spent together.

Only you can decide what you can live with, what you can tolerate.

And if you cannot, then go find a life for yourself that will make you happy.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:13 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Hi everyone, I am 1.5 years out from DD. Yes the OW is in the bedroom with us every single time! But, I use it to my advantage. I say ha ha. I love putting the circus show on, so over the top porn stuff (this is new to me and I find it fun.) I am so turned on I now have multi organisms Never before and I’m 60. I’ve become a medical miracle. Before DD I probably hadn’t had an organism except fake non interested ones for TEN years. So the OW has actually been beneficial to me.

But as they say karma is a bitch. My poor husband (sarcasm of course) is sexually dysfunctional. Ya, can’t really get it up. His first attempt with OW resulted in up/down/backwards/kamikaze/you name it failure, finally oral sex by her got him to cum. Whew. I’m glad destroying our marriage resulted in at least a tiny orgasm. No penetration even though they gave it the college try. The next time they got together it was a bit more successful, he at least penetrated her for a minute. Then back to oral sex. After two times WS claims they never did try again. Only deep kissing, hugging, holding hands, dinners, lots of sex talk by phone and text.

Now about the poor poor OW. She is also sexually dysfunctional. What are the odds? She is clinically depressed and because of antidepressants she is not able to Orgasm. My husband is a doctor so he should know.

I’m 100 percent certain I would never have turned into the sexual person I am now without the OW. Am I glad I was cheated on? No. That’s a hell no. I experienced my share of trauma. But why not consider this a benefit.

I’m bitter. I will be in the moment and say talk dirty...then I will say something like, “does this feel good? Was this how it felt to be inside her?” He pretends he didn’t hear it and carries on.

Back to the ordinal topic. We don’t make love. It’s all about getting off. Since he can’t keep up I asked if he minded if I got a boyfriend because he wasn’t really satisfying me. I’m still angry!

But do it for you not to get back at her. To hell with her.

Absolutely! Do what makes you happy! You can find joy in life again. You probably need to get rid of some dead weight first.

IMO, after all these years, she won't take you seriously unless she believes you will divorce her (bluff if necessary).

Although your wife avoids talking to you about the affair, the birthday card is evidence (regardless of intent to mail it) that she still has positive feelings toward him.

The birthday card, is also evidence that she remembers the affair (at least in part) as an innocent romantic indiscretion vs a 100% sordid affair.

IMO, to some extent, she avoids talking about the details because the conversation would contaminate her romantic memory of the affair (including her positive perception of the OM).

If a timeline will help you heal then make it nonnegotiable. In addition, the timeline may help your wife face reality. The act of writing out the timeline changes her memory of the multi-year affair from an innocent star-crossed lovers romance to: a selfish, entitled, deceitful act of betrayal.

Thumos wrote, You’re wife doesn’t seem to have any remorse and she already divorced you spiritually, physically and emotionally by having a torrid three year relationship with another man.

Well said and I think many of us don't realize until it is too late even to recover, the affair became a way of life, a habit even.

The affair is almost like soldiers who come back from war and can never again find the purpose, camaraderie and intensity in civilian life.

Although my W seems to have found God as a way of filling in that emptiness and thinks we will be in heaven together where she can love me like she never could here.

[This message edited by survrus at 7:18 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

As others have mentioned, life is too short and precious, why waste any more time with a woman who has shown you she doesn't give a damn about you and what her actions have done to you.

She's dug in and is looking you in the eyes and saying FUCK YOU....this is how it's going to be and I'm not changing.

This is NOT about her and what she's doing (or not doing).

This is ALL about YOU.

You either continue along letting her dictate how things are going to be or say I'm out of here (and damn well mean it) and go live a life without this freakin non sense.

The regrets in life aren't the things you do but rather the things you don't do and the reason why you (and most of us) don't do things is out of fear.

The longer this continues down this path you're going to HATE yourself and it's going to eat you alive.

This woman has NO respect for herself so why in the world would you ever expect her to respect you?

As westway asked "why are you with this woman"?

Do you think so little of yourself that you're willing to let this sham of a relationship continue on?

Picture an hourglass, hell go buy one so it can be a reminder how time is ticking away as you see the sand slowly slipping away from the upper chamber down into the lower chamber.

This is your freakin life!!!

Anything......let me repeat myself....ANYTHING has to be better than putting up with bullshit!!!

This woman thinks so highly of herself that she can shit and piss all over you and you better shut the hell up and accept it.

She's shown you who she is...believe her.

The question is why put up with this crap????