SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Take control of the situation and file yourself. And don't be afraid to list infidelity on the D papers. You are taking control of your life. Don't let someone else control this part of it. She may wait six months to do anything.

You are doing the right thing by focusing on the bright future you have ahead of yourself. Keep it up, focus on yourself. You decide what you want your life to be and then go make it happen.

I would decisively end this marriage asap

She thinks that the reason she "left me" and the reason she cheated are two separate things.

You know that is just a rationalization to make herself feel better about what she did. "I was unhappy" is like the smooth sugar coating that makes the bitter pill of her stepping out on her marriage just a bit easier to go down. "Yeah I cheated and it was awfully unfair to my H but well,..., I was unhappy". If she is actually outright trying to be putting blame on you for her affair--instead of blaming it on general "unhappiness" or some sort of quarter-life crisis--then this all goes double. But any way, trying to 'reason' with her is pointless.

I agree with the others, take the high road. Get yourself the hell out of this marriage and do so ASAP. I get this is easier said than done when you are angry and quite reasonably so. Do it for yourself though as much as anyone else. If you get mired into trying to get revenge you will get sucked into something that will very hard to pull yourself out of. Instead, move on quickly and get yourself the most favorable settlement that you can.

You already told your mutual friends, they can see through WW and her rationalizations already. I mean, they can see what WW is now doing with her life. And if anything, you taking the high road and moving on will only make them see through your ex-WW that much more.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:10 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]

No doubt, she definitely "monkey branched" me. All of our friends live on the other side of the country (where I'm moving back to) so I have little faith anyone is going to be able to talk any sense into her. Not that it matters at this point. Apparently in this state, unless you have been separated for six months you have to go in front of a judge to plead your case for divorce. I can't wait for her to tell the judge she was "unhappy"

Its now been over 2 months since D-day, and I need some support. We're still NC which is very helpful.

For the last week or so, it seems like my healing is going backwards. I was in a good place up until then, but lately I can't stop blaming myself. Logically I know its not on me, but I cant stop thinking about things I wish I would have done differently.

I finally got to a point of thinking about her only about 6 hours a day rather than the whole day, but now im back to about 8-10 hours per day.

One of our mutual friends asked me whether it would make me feel better if they ended up getting married, like it wasnt just a fling, but she actually fell in love with him.

Obviously my answer was "hell no!" but now I cant get it out of my head, like maybe she knows something I dont. Pisses me off. I have instructed this friend not to talk to me about her going forward.

I know that shes the broken one, and I was a good husband, but I cant stop blaming myself for not being who she needed me to be.

Thanks all

Sorry you are going through this. But it is a normal part of the rollercoaster ride. You just have to go through it. Look, none of us, including your WW is a perfect spouse. We all look back and know there are things we wish we had done differently. But honestly, it would never had made a difference. She would have cheated regardless. She is a broken person. She cheated because she wanted to do it. It had nothing to do with you. In time you will see this. Good luck.

Thank you - it could be that I have been hanging out with a new woman (out of companionship and loneliness, not interested in a relationship at this time of course) and its stirring everything up inside me. I unfairly compare her to my WW even though Im not intersted in a relationship.

Amanapart, you need to realize that the healing process is not exactly linear. You are going to have good days and bad days. Bad weeks even. There will be ups and downs in the process. The more you detach, the easier it will become.

Yes, sometimes someone may ask you something, or you may be somewhere that reminds you of your WS and it will be a setback. Keep working and you will get through it.

I expect that you now have an understanding of how strong you are and that you will make it through. Lean on that strength. Talk to friends or your therapist when you need help. Or ask the experts here.

..Aman,

Define 'hanging out?' Does this new friend know what's going on in your life? Does she 'know' you're not interested in a relationship?

We all played 'the fool' in some ways!

Keep safe from this covid shit.

smy

Even if your ex-WW does end up getting married to this new guy, she will be taking her baggage into her new marriage.

Hey dude its me...

You got this, it's still so very early for you. You have done a fantastic job up to this point! Don't forget that. Think back to all the advice you have given others and realize just how strong you are.

Don't forget, you're still one of the coolest MF's on the planet! You will come through this, you will be stronger!

4 MONTH UPDATE

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the absurdity of 2020, and were not even halfway through!

STBXW and I have been NC for 3ish months. Divorce papers have been filed (uncontested) and our hearing is scheduled for June 19th. In theory, it should all be over soon.

I have been doing much better overall. The quarantine, as much as I hate it, made me stay home and just get used to being alone. Now I actually enjoy my alone time. I have a very productive and healthy routine that I stick to on weekdays while working for home. I have been on 8 or so dates with an amazing new woman who is thrilled to be with me, and it feels really good. I have been honest about my situation and she has been very understanding. When I have my bad days (usually triggered by a dream) I tell her that I need a little space that day and she is very understanding.

Yesterday, after 3 months NC, my STBXW texted me saying “Hey! I just wanted to make sure everything is okay with you. If you want to talk with someone, I am here for you.” For some reason, this message really fucked me up for lack of a better term. Im sure most on here can relate, I felt sadness, anger, confusion, everything. I had a few replied written out but deleted them all and deleted the text. Today I am glad I did. Then again today, after I texted her about some logistics (I kept getting emails from our old bank) she said again “Sorry about that. I understand if you don’t want to talk, but if you do just know that I am here for you.” Again, deleted and no reply. No contact really is the only way to go. Its natural for me to want to read into these messages; I think to myself “maybe things with old man dipshit are finally falling apart” or “maybe she has something she wants to tell me” or “maybe she heard Im seeing someone else.”

Anyways, thanks again for everything! Everyone said she would eventually try to crawl back into my life but I didn’t believe it. And here we are.

Congratulations on your positive changes. Glad to hear you are doing well.

Congratulations on maintaining NC also. I can relate to how hard it is not to send something back, but you are correct, no response is the best response.

My STBXW does that to me occasionally. She'll text me out of the blue with some friendly message, telling me that she is still cares about me and will always be there for me. Phhhhhhbbbbbbt! I let her have crickets.

You are doing good man. Stay the course. You will make it through. I too have moments where I slip backwards and revert back to despair. But they never last. Remember that when you get these feelings they are only temporary.

IMO reaching out to you and offering her support makes her feel less guilty. Then she can say it was a friendly divorce and you're still friends.

The best response is to remain silent - and just focus on living your best life.

Yeah if you allow them to friendzone you, they can tell everyone that you both agreed to remain friends, because it was a mistake that the two of you ever married in the first place. And that it was obvious you were never compatible to begin with, but you both can go forward in a mutually respectful friendship as co-parents to your children and ….

Blehhhhhch...

It's all about rewriting the history.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:10 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

When she text that if you need to talk she's there for you. Knowing myself, if I was in your position, I would have had to text back, "I already have someone to talk to and SHE is a very good and empathic listener." I do wish you well.

Strength and Respect ✊ not long until D is final.

Buffer

Honestly if she persists I would say to her “you haven’t been here for me for about a year, what would make you think you are here for me now? Your empty words? “

And then return to NC. This takes a lot of nerve on her part. After all she has done, saying she is “here for you” is ridiculous.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:47 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

I know several women who are carbon copies of your wife. Since she is the one who left she has no idea of the damage she has caused. She thinks she is being thoughtful.....or she might just be nosy......or she might just enjoy your pain. Move on. The day you are divorced with no leftover stuff, finances etc. is the rest of your life. The pain will diminish.

This is always so hard to tell a good, kind, thoughtful bs but sometimes people just marry the wrong person. Family pressure, long term relationships, have a way of putting pressure on people to “get moving”. Someone hints they aren’t getting any younger waiting for grandkids. One person might pressure the other. The sad part about this is that there is nothing wrong with the bs. Nothing. Please realize that what she thought she wanted at 18 is no longer true. It’s so sad she had to hurt you to get where she wanted to be.