SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with Tushnurse. You are very vulnerable emotionally. She is likely to become very desperate when she realizes the OM has dumped her.

Don't mistake her acts of self preservation as remorse or love for you.

Never trust what a cheater says. They lie. Watch what they do. She has lied to you and betrayed you why would you believe she and her affair partner are through? I have no doubt she would like you to think they are done. How much easier is it for her to deal with you while you think they are through. That is the whole point. Damage control and manipulation.

"Last month she left for an exotic location to train for this hobby for two weeks. I expressed my concern about not trusting other men around her, but eventually agreed that this was an amazing opportunity for her." She confessed she was emotionally involved with this other fool for a year previous. She couldn't have given a damn about your concerns. Consummating her relationship with this other man away from your prying eyes was the sole motivation for this trip, not the training.

She wrote you a letter saying she was sorry, that she is completely at fault for the end of the marriage. Make a copy of this letter and give it / send it to her parents. Do not allow her to shape the narrative. Do not wait for this truth to be revealed at a time of her choosing. Who cares if now is not convenient for her. Not your problem.

Change the lock to your residence. Since she has a place of her own she does not need access to your home. Gather all her things, consider gathering all the gifts she has given to you down through the years . Preferably all collected for her to pick up in black garbage bags. If you feel this is too petty or too strong a message to send, then box it all up. Oh yes, make sure all the wedding photos go, every last one. If she refuses to claim any of it, advise her it will end up in the trash. The point is you want a fresh start and no reminders of the marriage she chose to trash. She gets one final visit to collect it all and be gone from your life. No second chances. Otherwise she will continue to find a reason to insert herself in your space. She already chose to give up her place in your life. Time to enforce this boundary.

Always assume the worst and plan accordingly. You will be prepared. Trust nothing she says. She will try to weasel her way back into your life especially when your education is complete and you have secured employment. You will truly meet the woman you married once the divorce begins.

I agree with smoulderingdark. I don’t believe she has stopped seeing the other guy. Go no contact with her and handle the divorce through lawyers. She will just keep lying until someone screws her over, then she might have a moment of clarity.

@smolderingdark - that is laying down the law brother. Whoa.

grrr double post

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 2:20 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

it makes me wonder if there really was a training

conference. that it just an excuse to get away

from her BH to carry on her PA.

Amanapart,

Go back and read what tushnurse said, then reread it again. Then print it out and put copies on your car dashboard, work computer, bathroom mirror, fridge and anywhere else it may help you....

Update 3/23/20

First, I want to thank all of you amazing people here on SI. You gave me the tough news that I didn't want to hear. It helped me prepare for the inevitable, I will be forever grateful.

We met on Thursday after 5 weeks of NC. Ive come to realize a few things over the last month and change. First, during that time I had found out shes still with him, never stopped. A mutual friend saw that her AP was staying over at her apartment most nights. Not surprising as I found out that at 45, he still lives with his parents I told my friend thank you for telling me but I don't want to hear about how she is doing anymore.

We talked for a few hours, yelled at each other, cried a bit, and laughed a bit. It was an odd experience to be sure. She said that she realized back in October/November that she had feelings for him, but the attention felt so good she didnt want to stop. I guess thats honesty. She admits that its not fair to me, that there's really nothing I could have done to get her to stop. She just started therapy last week so I wont take anything she says seriously. If she wants to be with him shes an adult and thats her choice. She'll wake up one day knowing she made a huge mistake, she definitely cheated down. I am thankful for the confidence I have to be able to realize that. I quickly told everyone we know what she did, and she cannot handle it. She tells me "its not their business" but I just laugh in her face because she cant come to terms with the truth. She left me, her 14 year life partner, who shouldered so much burden for her, who worked a second job to pay her student loans, for some old loser who showed her attention. Thats the reality, and she cant come to terms with other people finding out. Its been quite entertaining to watch the dissonance in real-time. She still blames me of course, but im not having that. She thinks that the reason she "left me" and the reason she cheated are two separate things. I told her she's lost the respect of everyone she knows, and the only way to get it back is to own what she did.

Its been a shitty month, but I have reconnected with a lot of friends that I hadnt talked to in a long time. My support network has been absolutely unreal, staying up late to let me talk on the phone just to hear me vent. Thank God for them. Lots of women have come out of the woodwork now that im single, and although it feels good to be wanted, im not worried about that right now. Right now I need to worry about being okay with being alone. Ive never been alone in my adult life, and I need to learn how to put myself first for a while.

Ive decided to move back home to California after I graduate in July (currently in the midwest). Thats where I was happiest, and where my support network is. I'll be 32 next month, with no money, no job, no debt (she had a ton of student loans), and no partner. Its truly new beginnings for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasnt a bit scared, and a bit excited.

Thank you all for everything you will do. Hopefully I can hang around and contribute like all you have for me. If there are any particular questions you have feel free to ask.

- A man apart

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with? Its uncontested, so pretty much just an online form from the county.

[This message edited by Amanapart at 3:45 PM, March 23rd (Monday)]

Great update. Sounds like you are doing well. If it were me I would file and get it over and done with. This isn't a game to be won. Your just moving on with your life. Do it as soon as you can. Good luck.

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with? Its uncontested, so pretty much just an online form from the county.

Why let her have total control over the situation?

File and move out of this horrible situation.

Living on hopium wont get you much except an extended stay in limbo.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:41 PM, March 23rd (Monday)]

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with? Its uncontested, so pretty much just an online form from the county.

Just file, the quicker you do it the faster you will get out of infidelity, the one that files has more control of the process, don't wait on her, good job on the exposure, now file and tell everyone that because of the infidelity you've decided to end the M, keep it short and simple and don't look back.

Making her suffer?

You loved this woman and no matter what, the 14 years meant something to you if not to her.

Leave the right way.

She made a mistake, maybe she will regret it, maybe she won't but taking the high road is always the right choice.

I hope karma visits my exe but somedays I just hope that she finally finds happiness. I love and loved her and she meant a lot to me. She did a very shitty thing to me but she thought it was the right thing for her. I can't fault someone for doing what they feel is in their best interest. She could have been honest but that's on her not on me.

It wasn't with me and that's ok, because I will find someone better and so will you.

You seem like a very good person. Don't tarnish that.

Definitely file and get it over with ASAP, and maintain your control...don’t ever give her any power in your life again.

Yes, divorce her. You need to cut your financial ties to each other.

You file. It is empowering. I can attest to that.

You file. It is empowering. I can attest to that.

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with? Its uncontested, so pretty much just an online form from the county.

She will not suffer at all filling for divorce. Why would you give her that power over your life?

If YOU want the divorce then file. Do not wait for her to do it. She has already wasted enough of your time and will continue to do so.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 6:11 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)]

During the D hit her up for alimony. She has the high paying job and will be banging more of her training partners since she has ceased with the 45yo looser who is still living with mummy and daddy.

Buffer

Pretty clear that you should divorce asap.

My question for now - Should I make her file for divorce so she suffers a bit during the process, or should I just do it and get it over with

If the marriage is truly dead and there is no chance of it coming back to life I would say this question is like asking

should I sign the death certificate

If it is dead just let it go, life goes on and I can tell you that it can be very good after the death of a marriage.

Best of luck to you.