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My WS swears this was the first time but there are signs it happened before she met this AP. My gut tells me yes but she says no. Had your gut ever been wrong?

I don't think so. It's possible, but I think those of us who expect fidelity take a bit to figure it out.

My gut told me every time that slippery devil was cheating, but I didn't have proof. In fact, it told me every time she was up to some heinous shit, and I usually found proof of those other things. On DDay? I caught her because of my gut feeling. Our subconscious mind knows when something's amiss. Unless you're pathologically paranoid, I'd say trust your gut.

My IC says your gut knows. You could always try a polygraph if you have $550-750 burning a hole in your pocket.

WH gave me a list of all the women he could have but DIDN'T cheat with, all with explanations, and all because they were not attractive enough or didn't offer.

ETA, I caught him because of a gut feeling as well, AbandonedGuy. I had no evidence, but the second time I confronted I said I did. After that, he knows I don't have evidence of others, so he has no reason to confess.

I'm pretty sure there was at least one other that he fell in love with, about a decade ago. My attorney says I don't need to do a poly. Patterns of behavior are sufficient, and it was pretty clearly the exact same pattern. He still denies it.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 9:05 PM, March 6th, 2020 (Friday)]

Always trust your gut and you never get the full truth on Dday.

Of course he would lie about it he thinks you will never find out. There is a high chance would if he has cheated before not unless maybe he confessed on his own to this one. Trust your gut more than his words. If it doesn't make sense there is a reason. No you are not crazy. You can ask for a polygraph.

Thanks everybody. She admitted to some but it doesn't sit right. Also had trickle truth for the last few months. So it maybe that.

I'm currently calling around for a polygraph. They are not cheap but I figure my piece of mind is worth it.

Ha! I certainly feel pathologically paranoid lately.

Awhile back I was able to get her text log from an old phone and per Google history there's messages from early in the morning say 4 5 am and some late at night. A lot of these I can't find a match in the log.

Does the trickle truth ever stop? Or do you reach a point where your gut is satisfied?

[This message edited by brokendad19 at 11:15 PM, March 6th (Friday)]

Does the trickle truth ever stop? Or do you reach a point where your gut is satisfied?

Tough question as it’s based on each person individually.

Some realize the trickle truth is a game the cheater plays and decides it’s just not working to help heal the betrayed spouse. They decide to leave because the betrayed knows it will never stop. It will always be a marriage / relationship of lies.

Some recognize the cheater is trying to cover their ass by Not being honest. Some betrayed gets past this stage and get to a place of honesty and truthfulness from the cheater.

For others - they recognize the coward that the cheater is. They see the mind games for what they are and know they don’t have the full truth, but know enough and accept it.

As an example there are betrayers who do not know the name or who the AP was/is. The cheater refuses to provide that info. And the betrayed is still married and living with the cheater.

For some that is a dealbreaker.

Polygraph. Parking lot confession? Do it anyway. Polygraph is a tool in a bag of tools to use to get to the truth. Like you said, it's worth the money for your sanity.

In my experience, my FWH has only admitted what I could prove. So I poly’d him. The affair that brought me here in 2014 was not his first OW. By that time I had known about two one night stands which he confessed in 2006. After dday he confessed to a third that was suspicious and never confirmed making the affair OW 4. I rugswept the two one night stands because our family had to major deaths at the time my grandmother and his father, and I was juggling three kids and a full time job. I was stupid to think a OnS wasn’t damaging enough. Maybe the act itself wasn’t, but him. It getting into IC to explore what made him do it when our marriage was such in a good happy place, was enough.

He was sloppy with OW4. He was in lust with her and some subtle signs out my radar up where I never had experienced that before with the others. I hadn’t even known when they took place..

I think remorseful WSes tell the whole truth. It's one of the first steps in healing, and healing is impossible without truth.

And I think the BS's gut is the best polygraph available.

Question: suppose she lies on the test. The what will you do? That is, you need to prepare yourself for a bad test. 'Cause if she fails, she may tell you it's the test that lies, not her.

I agree with Sissoon. Remorse stops lying.

Polygraph. Parking lot confession? Do it anyway. Polygraph is a tool in a bag of tools to use to get to the truth. Like you said, it's worth the money for your sanity.

Yep. Worked for me. I got the proverbial parking lot confession. Although it was the night before over texts because I had left after he confessed the first sexual encounter. Before that had been 6 months of TT and denial of any sex.

My gut was screaming at me that there was sex. I knew it! I just couldn't prove it, no smoking gun. He was not going to admit to it unless forced. He was too ashamed. He told me that after.

I think I got the full confession before complete remorse set in. It's obvious that my H only confessed to a sexual affair because he was afraid of failing the polygraph. It was after he had fully confessed that true remorse happened. Everything he had done was exposed. He couldn't deny it anymore. He had to see the utter destruction he had caused. That's when the tears came and the sincere apology and the desperation that I not leave him.

My gut was quiet after that. I knew it was all out. I always listen to my intuition. I like and trust people based on my gut feeling about them. It hasn't failed me yet.

No. But it opened my eyes. I started to see past my hopes and dreams and realize just who he really was. It was shocking. He had a double life all along.

Me and our children were the mask. The solid church going perfect family. While he became an alcoholic while he serial cheated during work travel. He lived in fantasy. He really did.

I now believe he considered himself a playboy. On company money.

He did promise marriage counseling. And a lie detector test. Neither happened. He did return to the above pattern. No work. No remorse.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:06 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

I do believe it was the only time and that’s only because the guilt was eating him alive.

Also when he’s home or at work. There isn’t much time for anything else. He’s so exhausted when he gets home because of the physical demands of his job. He works in government ship repair and works 8-12 hours a day 6 days a week.

He doesn’t do side work anymore, he used to work on cars.

Best believe I still count hours on his paystubs and have the location active on where’s my iPhone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Burn me once and it’s never the same again.

Not long after dDay, my ex’s sister told me she knew her brother would eventually “ruin” our marriage by cheating because he had a pattern in his past of starting new relationships before he ended the previous one. But that the family thought I was the one to change all that for him.

I doubt the skank he left me for was the first time. There were many, many signs of cheating before her, but I firmly stuck my head in the sand and accepted his terrible excuses for some of the red flags. Plus, he bought a house for both the last OW and a separate for another woman a few years earlier. He claimed he was helping out friends. Such a prince! Like my ex’s sister said, “we know he didn’t buy them houses out of the goodness of his heart.”

I wish I had woken up the first time I worried he was cheating. I would’ve been still in my 20s. I would’ve managed being a single mom and saved my kid from his NPD abusive father.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 1:20 PM, March 7th (Saturday)]

Not even close for me

The first hint I got was after it had been going on for 5 years

While I am the BS I would think that the first affair would have much more planning to sneak around and keep it hidden, After getting away with previous A then they might get sloppy.

So most bank robbers, or speeders, or swindlers get away it for a while then slip up. I think they have a pattern but that in IMO

But what tipped me off to "# 1" was my gut feeling. That and the time I answered her phone that she left in the car to run into a store and the mans voice said "hi beautiful" and I said who is this and he hung up.

My gut was always telling the truth. The lack of evidence allowed him to convince me I was wrong and I came to doubt my gut. I am relearning to trust my gut and it has proved to be right with almost every suspicion!!! It took much digging and searching to finally find some truths. He still only admits to what I state I know. I’ve tried to always know a bit more than I admit in hopes to see some honesty. I have never received such honesty.

Trickle truth is the worst! What cowards to not have the respect at the very least to tell the truth in the end. It’s impossible to make an informed decision without it.

I’ve not had a remorseful spouse but I agree with the response that a remorseful spouse would tell the truth.

Thanks again everybody. It's reassuring and yet at thee same time disheartening to know my gut might be right.