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I'm six months out from DDay and all of the hell from last summer, and I find that some feelings from that time are still just as fresh and painful for me, as though they happened just yesterday. The one trauma from last summer that causes me to shake and cry still is his "discard" of me and how he did it. I heard that narcissists will plot/plan the discard in the most painful and cruel way possible. And mine did.

My WH gave me the discard a week before my birthday, IN PUBLIC, at our favorite restaurant. He led me to believe we were going out for a date night. I didn't suspect a thing. I thought we were happily married. Right after we ordered and the waitress left the table, his eyes grew dark and cold, and out of the blue, he began to accuse me of being unhappy in our marriage, telling me he could tell I was unhappy and that I should admit it, that we'd be happier apart. That he thinks we should separate. I was BLINDSIDED!!

His projections astounded me, as none of what he was saying was true. He continued on, hammering away at me at how I needed to move out, move away, leave our town and our state, because, "Admit it. We are happier when we are apart."

Shocked, shaking and crying, I wanted to get out of there, but he had driven and had the keys to the car with him (planned, I'm sure). I didn't have the Uber app thing on my phone, and no cash for a cab at the moment. I was stuck there at the table, crying and humiliated in public. Everyone was staring, the waitress was worried, the whole thing was horrific as I watched my H turn into some sort of possessed man I didn't even know, right before my eyes.

Later that night, he admitted to being in an EA, which I found out weeks later was really a PA as well. And the rest is history. Divorce will be final in April. I am finding though, that this particular night that happened last summer, still haunts me, is still so traumatic and still causes PTSD for me, still, all of these months later. Of all that my WH has done to me to hurt me, this I think, is the worst of it all.

Anyone else get an exceptionally brutal discard? How do I get past what happened that night? His brutal coldness and cruelty still rips me to shreds, all of these months later.

(PS... I would have posted this under "I Can Relate" for NPD, but the topic is closed over there.)

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 8:13 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry you went through this horrible experience.

My discard after over 3 decades of marriage was brutal. It was humiliating in a different way but also a public spectacle. While it still gives me nightmares, I am slowly recovering.

I believe infidelity is severe abuse. I believe we can heal and thrive!

Sending ((virtual hugs))

How I am healing involved a lot of things including eating well, spirituality, exercise, focusing on my senses like the taste of great coffee or the feel of Egyptian cotton sheets on my skin... I give myself permission to rest without guilt.

I am sure others will jump on with great ideas too!

Ah yes, the ole "you aren't happy" or "we aren't happy". I believe it's a line they all give. It makes you question yourself. It's all part of their playbook. While I was happy in my M, I'm much happier being divorced because happiness comes from within yourself. I was tossed aside like some piece of shit, I meant nothing to her.

With that, it does get better. For me I've taken up new hobbies. I do things when I want to. If I don't feel like doing anything, I don't and I don't feel guilty about it. Reading, researching and educating myself on NPDs helped me understand exactly who she is, was and will always be. I don't want someone like that in my life. Can't forget TIME!! This all takes time and what you do with that time. Do things that you want to do. Not sure if any of this helps but I'm 8 months divorced, the pain is mostly gone, I still have residual anger that I'm working on but I know I'm so much better off without her and the NPD. The drama isn't there and I can breath

To this day, I still feel the profound powerlessness that I felt that night.

I only went back to that restaurant one more time, but the memory of what happened there kept me from ever going back again.

A shame really. They had great crab cakes and bruscetta.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 9:04 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

If you can take yourself, and your pain, out of this and just look at him and his behavior I hope at some point you can be thankful he is no longer your problem. This was cruelty on a different level. He meant to humiliate you in public. If he could have done it in a stadium full of people he would have done it. I don’t know how he hid the evil part for himself as easily as he did but that’s why disordered people are so dangerous. He tried to annihilate you. I’m going to use that word again. Annihilate. He wanted you off the face of the earth. That’s how little people mean to him. Whoever he’s with now is no more to him than you were. She will probably get the same thing. If you can ever find it through to the other side I hope you can be happy he’s gone. He really is no one you need to ever think about again. Anytime someone brings up the term personality disorder it sounds somewhat benign but it is not. It is a malignant personality that destroys and destroys and destroys. It does not matter if your husband was ever diagnosed. What matters is the absolute damage he has done. This is abuse from an evil person.

Cooley2here, yes to this! I THANK GOD every day now that he is being removed out of my life. After the divorce is final and our properties are sold, I plan NO CONTACT for the rest of my life.

We lost our only child (miscarried at 12 weeks) and for years I thought that was such an unfair awful thing that happened to me. But I see now that if we had had our child, I would be tied to this man for years. And he would have walked out on me and our child (who would be seven now). So now, I look at the miscarriage as a merciful event. Hindsight is 20/20.

Yes, annihilate is the right word. I waited so long to get married because I so wanted to do it once and do it right. How could I have been so deceived??

Wow. I came to SI this morning because I haven’t slept all night. Having a trigger from my final discard. I’m an ole timer here. It can still sneak up on you.

Also. My marriage was a nightmare in different areas for years. I would work On one and because he’s NPD. Another would pop up. I learned here ,he was NPD. And everything else. He had lots up his sleeve and I had no idea.

I agree. Of all his emotional abuse, The discard was unbelievable. After 36 years. He disappeared with no word. Still no word 1.5 years later. We are divorced. I have passed him. He’s alive. Just gone. This came after years of cheating. Alcoholism. And brain damage. Nothing like an evil slcoholic with brain damage. There are no boundaries. For their evil.

I had to walk thru each of these. By the time I was discarded. I was a ripe ptsd mess.

I have learned in my experiences. That cheating was the root of each one. The rest was a set up and lies. It was planned. Carried out. And very childish. That evil grin. The flashing black eyes. It was more cruel then I could imagine. And he loved it. So much conning. Just to have a different woman.

I was researching grief that lasts too long. It’s not that I have one grief. There were so many back to back with no closure or healing between.

I am better. I am not living a life I dreamed of. I’m 61 It’s discouraging. I do have triggers. I believe he’s starting to stalk me. For the first time since discard. Also,my group I visit, was planning spring break and family travels. It set me off. I will persevere. Again. I’ve come so far. I will never go backward. I saw this first, after a bad day and night. Thanks.

My ex gets away with so much. Legally. Morally. I would feel better if he would not get away with something. I can’t believe how he just moved on He no contact with our children. And has been dumped by all women. He can’t keep them. That’s something at least Legal fights start again Monday

I never thought for a second my ex would return. Still hasn’t officially. They seem to believe time heals all. And selective memory. Who could get over a discard? But they will. Like nothing ever happened.

Ex is showing up where I am. Even when I run. Hide. Leave. There he is. And he looks like he’s crying. He can’t keep a woman now. He’s having regrets. I stay no contact. I hide. Yes. I run.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:59 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

I am so sorry. Your evening at the restaurant was horrific.

You see he had to do that to you because in his mind he had to justify his affair. So you are the bad guy in his eyes. You are the evil wife keeping him from his soulmate blah blah blah. Utter crap!!

He had to do this in public so you would not create a scene (in his mind). He knew you would be more controlled in a public place. That’s not a man. That’s a coward.

He had to make you his enemy to absolve his guilt about lying and cheating. My H had the same thought as yours - I’m the enemy keeping him from his happiness and true love

He had it all planned with the OW to D me. She knew he was leaving me before I did.

So I told him he could go and be w/ anyone he wanted. We were done. Funny how he decided he no longer wanted the OW after all (immediately).

In your case you know - you just know - he will do this to the OW. It’s just a matter of time.

Looking back did he ever behave this way - cold and heartless? Or was this a dramatic change as a result of his affair? My H was never mean like he was during his affair.

Finding out about his plan to D me - kick me to the curb - was the furthest thing from my mind too. I know how you feel about bring blindsided.

It’s one thing to be cheated on. It’s another to be kicked to the curb.

Also when he wakes up one day and de ides “he made a mistake” - do not let the snake try to come slithering back. Block him in every possible.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:54 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

Louisianalisa

I am so very sorry what you had to endure at the hands of your asshole husband. What he did to you was abusive and cruel and unforgivable. He is an asshole... full stop. Why would anyone do something like that to someone else? It's just not fair!

My D-Day devastated me because I had been so wrong about my marriage. You are enduring that and so much more because you were wrong about your marriage and you were so wrong about your asshole husband. I am so deeply sorry.

What an asshole.

(((Louisianalisa))) they are cruel monsters. What NPDs do is just brutal as they psychologically and emotionally destroy their victims for their own gain.

I'm so sorry this memory still haunts you. It won't always carry such a powerful punch the more years you have away from it, but it will be a bad memory from a really bad time in your life. Maybe try to think of it as a blessing in disguise that you are away from such a toxic creature.

I'm leaving my NPD STBX and have been through the stages multiple times of Devalue, Discard, then Lovebombing and right back into the cycle again but each time gets worse.

One memory that stays with me was my Narc watching me fall apart after discovering I was in False R. He had those same cold eyes and my crying was annoying him. He looked at me like I was disgusting and then said: "nobody cares to hear you anymore." I will never forget it. He would also get very angry and agitated any time I brought up the A and always reminded me that I'm bringing up something from the past and need to move on. He never addressed his behaviors or why he had the A except blame me for it. The times that he will own the A is during a love bombing stage so that it looked like he was "getting it" but really was manipulating me because he never changed.

It is so good you are out of it because you can start the healing from Narcissistic Abuse and I'm sure you are still dealing with cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding. It takes time to heal from this kind of insidious abuse.

These types of people are predators and prey on those of us who are highly empathic and have shaky boundaries. They truly are awful and destroy everything around them.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:28 AM, March 7th (Saturday)]

The discard was the part that took the longest for me to get over. Mine didn't have some cruel and unusual scheme in mind, she simply removed herself from the relationship after I caught her, like she thought she could coldly and abruptly transition into us being business partners placidly negotiating our asset separation rather than, ya know, two people who had shared a third of our lives together, one of which was just caught engaging in the ultimate betrayal.

Anywho, once you start patching up that gouge to your ego, you consider the situation like you would any situation where some piece of shit human being treats you like you're not worthy of their time: you recognize that it's their loss, and you forget about them. But said patching up takes a lot of time, and a TON of effort. Others have already stated this many times, in many threads, but what keeps us with devaluing shitheaps is usually a lack of self esteem on our part. Once you legitimately build up your own view of yourself (with healthy doses of humility and reality to balance things out, lest we become just like the shitheaps), you realize that nobody deserves to deal with their bullshit to ANY degree, and they certainly don't deserve someone who actually cares about their well-being. What they deserve is to be put on a cruise ship that gets sunk in the middle of the Pacific Ocean when everyone onboard has been measured to be at peak happiness. That's the only way to get them to feel what we felt when they did this to us. Otherwise, they're cold husks.

J707, Just like you, I feel thrown away. I told my WH, "You threw me out like I was the garbage." And I am slowly rediscovering myself and the things that I love to do and the dreams that I have, that I put aside for years for my WH. I cannot wait to go no contact because he is emotionally unsafe for me.

cancuncrushed, I am so so sorry. How devastating for him to disappear without a word after decades together. I read recently that when a narcissist leaves, he/she does you a favor. I came across a book recently, which you probably already have read, called "Runaway Husbands." I wonder if this might give you some insight. I almost didn't sit down this morning to write my original post here, but something told me to get it out of my system, because it's been heavier on me more so lately. When I am feeling powerless or overwhelmed in other areas of my life, the powerlessness from that night comes back like it was yesterday. I am facing cataract surgery on Monday and I am feeling fearful and powerless about it... well, that is bringing up all of these old feelings from last summer.

Cooly2here, I think about his much-younger OW often, and know that when SHE gets the discard (down the road), it will be well deserved. She knowingly, willingly, volunteerily took part in destroying my marriage (and her ex husband cheated on her!!!) and began her relationship with my WH based on lies, betrayal and infidelity, knowing he was married. Sorry to say, but when he starts the devaluing of her, and the discard, it will be cruel too, and she will have deserved it. I don't feel sorry for her one bit. Although, she involved him heavily in her kids lives, and so they will feel the discard too, which is really sad.

The1stWife, yes, when I asked him why he did that in public, he told me, "To control your reaction".... What an evil monster. I have learned a lot about narcissists since, and how they try to hoover their targets after discard. If he ever comes around the hoover me, I will remember that horrible night at the restaurant and will stay committed to NO CONTACT. And yes, I was his enemy. In a letter I found that he wrote to her (he kept a copy for some reason) he called me a "solid blockade" standing in the way of their future happiness. In counseling once, he said to me that he is with her emotionally, and that I am just "a logistic". These are the things that I think about to keep me strong and moving forward and away from him forever.

And to answer your question, The1stWife, he was very-often selfish in our marriage, but rarely cruel. He did/does rage drive, which scared the daylights out of me when I was in the car with him, and he never seemed to care that I was terrified. That's a form of cruelty, I guess. He was distant during his affair, but I never understood why. He never would give me a reason. The cruelty started on the night at the restaurant. The mask came off and is off forever now. Even if he tries to be nice to me, I don't fall for it, and I just remember how evil he is and never never get sucked back in.

crazyblindsided, yes, the cognitive dissonance was (and still is) almost too much to endure. I am sorry that he said to you that nobody cares to hear you anymore. Heartbreaking words for a grieving spouse to hear. And can never be forgotten. He is WRONG. WE here at SI care about you very much, and very much care to hear your story. These narcs throw out the coldest words at us and walk away like nothing, leaving us in agony for years from them. My WH told me once, "You should be grateful that she (the OW) is in my life because she gives me the female perspective on our marriage." He also told me that she is his soulmate, kindred spirit and best friend. That she gets him and I don't. Countless countless words that kill us, one brutal word at a time.

AbandonedGuy, the "transition" happened with my WH too. He shut off every emotion for me, all love and desire for me, all affection and concern, as though he was shutting off a faucet. Indeed, now I know that those emotions were never real anyway. He was acting. And then, so easily, one day, he just stopped acting.

I figured out that the discard happened at a crucial time. He always used me for ego kibbles and financial stability. That was pretty much my role as his wife in his life. Well, once his affair was in full swing, as fate would have it, his father died and his mother came to live with us. Now, all of a sudden, he had his mistress for the ego and he had his mother's money to support his sporadic employment habit and on again/off again career. The timing was perfect for him to throw me away, as he no longer had any use for me. He moved out in November, taking his mother with him and now he won't work and only lives off of her and her money. An abuse of her, who is 83 years old. I thank God every day that he left me and that I now see the man that he is.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 12:00 PM, March 7th (Saturday)]

his eyes grew dark and cold

The flashing black eyes.

There is occasionally a very clear switch in an npd, a sudden shift, into a dark side of their personality. This side does not show itself very often. You immediately know when this other side has taken over because their eyes turn so cold, so dark, so without life that it's as if you are speaking to satan himself. It chills me to my core to even think of the type of vile cruelty that pours out of someone, especially someone who has claimed such love. I am haunted by the eyes of my former npd partners.

The level of cold, toxic hatred in the tone of their voice and the deadness in their eyes shows how much they hate every living thing on this planet, not just you in that moment. I have no doubt that you are suffering ptsd from this vile and inhumane event, Louisianalisa. If you are open to it, emdr is very helpful for things like this.

This event is clearly meant to traumatize the victim, but he didn't do that just to you; he did it to punish the world and get out all of the hatred he feels. It was done to you because there was no one else he could act out against that he could hurt so deeply, and he wants the world to hurt deeply. If he could, he'd hurt everyone on the planet just as badly. Npds hate everyone and everything.

I'm so very sorry, Louisianalisa.

Thank you, OwningItNow.... Thank you for saying this. So much validation here. It helps to talk about the specifics of the NPD cycle with others who speak the same language. "Love bombing" "Devaluing" and "The Discard" are new terms for me, but my head is spinning from so much truth and clarity about him now.

I bought a book on covert narcissists and read the entire thing in 24 hours, only putting it down to sleep for a few hours. Eye opening beyond anything I have ever read before.

I grieve because I thought I was in a marriage. But I wasn't. I was in a classic three-phase narcissist cycle for 14 years. And I thought he loved me, but he never did. Never could. What grief this caused when I realized all of this and began to face it. I cried for weeks. I still am crying.

And the cold dark stare.... Oh my goodness. I get nauseated when I recall all of those evil stares from him. I have told him several times that I think he is possessed by the devil. That is the only way to describe such calculated cruelty. He physically changes too, how he sits, how he holds his head, where he puts his hands. He begins to bob his knee up and down in a quick, nervous way, and that's when I know the worst is about to come out of his mouth.

The thing is, I loved him so much for so long, I am grieved that he is so unhappy and filled with hate. I don't want him to live such an empty life. But he's not my problem anymore. He can figure out how to fix himself on his own... (I offered him unlimited IC sessions through my work insurance. He rejected it, of course.) He is not my problem anymore. I have to let go of the idea of helping him. It's impossible for a mere human wife! Only God can take on such a monumental task.

I've thought about sharing with him what I have learned about narcissists, and letting him know he is one. He lamented to me once why there is so much failure in his life. Two divorces now. He is estranged from his daughter. I know the reason why now, and I wonder if I told him, he would have an "Aha" moment and want to get help finally, or reject the thought entirely.

I have heard of some narcissists who know what they are and actively work on changing. I am NOT holding on to this hope, but I still do wonder if he is one that would change. At times he seems really puzzled as to all of the "failed" relationships in his life. He is the one causing all of the misery, but he does not seem to know. Everyone else is to blame.

once his affair was in full swing, as fate would have it, his father died and his mother came to live with us. Now, all of a sudden, he had his mistress for the ego and he had his mother's money to support his sporadic employment habit and on again/off again career. The timing was perfect for him to throw me away, as he no longer had any use for me

He’s worse than I thought! Glad you are getting out !

I agree with OIN, you might see a great benefit from EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Many therapists are becoming proficient in this technique, and although the science isn't completely understood, I've had it myself and it really does help. It doesn't make you forget anything, but it takes the sting out of it, so you're no longer feeling the visceral symptoms.

EMDR is a bit of an immersion therapy, so it's unpleasant in that aspect. It asks you to remember/relive the experience, but... this time the brain is better able to store it correctly. The therapist mimics the REM sleep experience to some degree, usually through eye movement, in order to create a means for your brain to shift the information. If you think of a brain as an organic computer, what happens to us in PTSD is that we're storing data incorrectly. EMDR can help to locate the correct storage which then takes the heat out of the memory.

You sound like a good candidate for it. I found that I made the best progress on memories which were more specific, like thumbnail sketches, rather than trying to process the entirety of the betrayal.

I'm 2 years out. It took me a long time to grasp the concept that for over 17 years she never loved me. That she doesn't know how to. That this is who she is and that she'll never change. But OwningItNow nailed it. They are pure evil. Those cold dark shark eyes to match their cold dark heart.

Do you remember what the book on covert narcs was titled? I would love to read it!

Narcs are the worst. They really know how to stick it in, twist it, and break it off--and then blame YOU for them stabbing you so violently. I did the whole rabbit hole into the covert narc world for months. Countless videos, articles, and whatever else I could get my hands on. They fuck with your head so deeply and so effectively that you're left floundering on the beach trying to make sense of it all. Finding others who have been touched by these clowns goes a long way to helping you rediscover your sanity. It's like there's the Cheater's Handbook, and then there's an addendum with the Narc's Guide to Mindfucking You Into Oblivion, and a lot of them (overt or covert) seem to follow that guide to some degree.

Those cold shark eyes, like a doll's eyes, are extremely discomforting to see. Those moments when they drop the facade and the void inside them reveals itself is quite the dagger into the psyche. Especially when they did such a good job masking that part of them in front of you for so many years. Once you've had time to process it all, you might start to recognize red flags that popped up over the years, things they said about other people, ways they handled certain situations, and heinous acts that you wallpapered over to keep your relationship intact and maintain status quo.

We're better off without them. Every time I see a "should I make it work with my narc" or "how do I get through to my narc" thread, I feel sorry for that person. They're hanging onto a dream of a dream. They're trying to carry a handful of sand on a 30 mile swim through the middle of the ocean. There's only one solution to dealing with these people: RUN. Long term, those of us who get discarded like this, especially those of us who aren't hoovered up ever again because they cut you out so fully, are the luckiest ones. We're off their radar, and that's where we should want to spend the rest of our lives.

J707, yes... Here you go:

"The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" by Debbie Mirza.

There are a lot of books out there on narcissists, but I wanted one specifically on coverts. I cried through so much of it, as the author saw me and my marriage to the letter.

It was painful and hard to see my marriage laid out in front of me as just another three-phase cycle. Everything I held precious and dear was no more than a sick dysfunctional deception.

I thought he loved me, and now I have to accept it was love bombing and a way to reel me in and decieve me.

And all of the devaluing? So many memories of things he had done and said over the years came back to me. I had long ago rug-swept them and now I had to face them all. I relived them all for days after.

Especially when she wrote about the ways they devalue that were my particular WH's favorites: not respecting my time, making me wait, being late for everything, making me late when we would go out together, ignoring my texts and emails, having to make ALL of the decisons without regard for my wishes, disagreeing with me about EVERYTHING, changing plans or not agreeing to make plans at all, so as to always keep me guessing and off-center. Not following through on anything he said he would do (big and small), ignoring all of my requests (i.e. honey-do lists), blame shifting, going back on his word, never following through on plans or promises ... Withholding emotional reciprocity, affection, sexual contact, his attention and time. The list goes on and on.

His withholding got worse over the years and became vicious and mean. He made me feel like I was UNWORTHY of even the most basic common curtesies.

And when I tried to hold him accountable to any of the above, he would tell me that I am anal and too much of a stickler for details. I was asking too much. I needed to be more laid back and not expect stability and to be ok with his spontaneity. He made me feel like I was a demanding mother or something. It set up this frustrating parent/child dynamic between us.

One article I read said that covert narcs "are professionals at not acknowledging you at all." This is my marriage, and how I felt at its end. I felt small, invisible, unimportant, unworthy, unacknowledged, undesirable, unloved, unseen, unheard, ugly and rejected. A nothing.

At one point after DDay, I found a wedding photo of us, and I looked at the face of that smiling bride and cried saying, "She isn't even worthy of her husband beiing faithful to her. She is so worthless, she does not even deserve a faithful husband. She does not deserve fidelity."

When I heard my own words, I knew I had hit bottom. I knew I needed help climbing out of the grave that my covert narc threw me into and piled on six feet of dirt. Truly, this is how I felt by the end. I am working very hard on changing this self talk and climbing out of the grave.