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Please be gentle. I know many of you know my story. Obviously wh and I are still together. Partly because I was hoping to show support and partly because considering a divorce while pregnant is bringing all kinds of emotions and feelings. I know he doesn't deserve my support but after the last blow up, I could careless if he and his daughter reconcile. And it's because both of the are on my list right now. But that's not the point of my post because that would be a whole other forum. I just find myself regretting not divorcing him sooner. Like when I found out about the A. I see how things have gone since then and it's not been worth it. We've had great times yeah but we have some awful times. And those greatly outweigh the good ones. He has dreams about me cheating which totally triggers me. It's like his subconscious is guilty. He swears he's not cheating and honestly I don't think he is, but if he were I wouldn't be surprised. That ship has sailed. I've never been a mushy person and I said a commercial was dumb-some ridiculous jewelry commercial- and I said "God that's dumb but I bet my husband loves it " just joking (because he is a very mushy person) and then he goes on a tangent about how he wishes I were a mushy person sometimes. So I asked him, "when's the last time you bought me flowers?" He says he doesn't know. I told him it was after I gave a long speech, soon after I found out about the A, about how if I were him if be buying me flowers everyday even if I just threw them away etc. Almost 2 years ago!!!!!! I told him I'm not mushy because if I had those expectations, the ones you see in commercials, I'd be let down constantly. He said "maybe if I had highger ones id have some to meet". It's constantly this. He is the way he is because of me. He is who he is because of everyone else. By his own account, he is just a product of everyone else's behavior.

Wow, he really does have some issues.

I never regretted it for a microsecond.

In fact, when the final mediation was over, and the deal was done except the judge signing it... I literally felt the world lift from my shoulders when I stepped out from that building into the sunshine.

It was like a movie, and it felt great.

Everyone that I have ever talked to that divorced said that they waited too long...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 12:16 PM, March 20th (Friday)]

Bluepower I definitely think I fall into that group. I feel like I would have saved myself so many gray hairs. It's like Everytime I get the courage to get a D, I end up pregnant which makes the divorce kind of crumble.

Regret that I didn't D immediately is not quite right for me. I don't regret making the decision to stay. I did the best for me and my kids.

I regret playing out my life the way I do based on my M. If I hadn't, I probably would've been in a position to D immediately and wouldn't have felt like I had stay.

Yes because reconciliation is so hard on a daily basis.

I don't regret divorcing him neither. I stayed because we had small kids (youngest just starting walking) and I thought it was worth the effort, for the kids. I didn't want my kids to be shuttled between 2 houses and have a step mom, and me being a part time mother. But he was fine for the kids to have this shit deal, so I waited for him to trip up to get full custody. He drove drunk with me and the baby in the car. As much as I hated him for putting me, the baby and others in danger,... he literally handed me (on a plate) the golden ticket to end this insanity.

My only regret is that I offered R and went through another 2 months of false R while he took his A underground. I wish I'd just D him right after Dday. Some spouses are candidates for reconciliation. There have been quite a few posts on what they look like. But the ones that can just own their shit and constantly blame others for their behavior aren't the ones in that category.

So, the answer to your question is, yes. Yes, I do regret not going straight to divorce immediately.

I don't regret not getting divorced.

Ugh is is SO HARD on a daily basis. Even when things were going how they should its exhausting. I feel myself still getting angry about having to do all this...or having to have done all that for nothing. I dont think he falls in the R category. Even if he never cheats again I just dont think hes a good husband. He tries but its generally with expectations of something in return and its often short lived. He wants to be this different person but that takes A LOT OF WORK and after the A and then this last huge blow up he started but never followed through. He would say things like he was trying but you know you can tell the difference when someone is just saying something and really believing something? My husband is the "sayer" and it usually sounds so ridiculous. If I would have just divorced him when it happened. We wouldnt have had our 4th miscarriage, our newborn last June wouldnt have ever been conceived only to pass away 30 minutes later, he has tons of debit hes racked up that was never mine to begin with and he only added to after the A, this most recent explosion with his daughter wouldnt have happened....Im not happy most days. Im really not. But now im here and Im pregnant and, like you Embracethechange, imagining my life as a divorced woman shuttling kids around, worried about the next woman he will have and bring into their lives...i cant do that. I feel like it sounds selfish. I jsut find myself always thinking I should have gotten a D when everything was fresh, and CLEAR in my mind. I remember feeling so shocked and confused at the time but looking back, its probably the clearest Ive been in a while.

He is the way he is because of me. He is who he is because of everyone else. By his own account, he is just a product of everyone else's behavior.

That there is straight up narcissism. Text book. It’s always somebody else’s fault.

I just find myself regretting not divorcing him sooner. Like when I found out about the A.

You are not alone there. Many other feel the same way. Most will not admit it. I know 3 people who act like they are ok in their post affair marriages. But get them alone and 3 beers in, you hear the real story.

Yes, it’s been gnawing at me now that I understand D laws in my state...I could have gotten out of the M relatively unscathed financially if I had known and acted early.

Ellen, your H sounds a lot like mine. Always trying, always going to, never actually does. I think he's sincere about wanting to change and fix things between. I just don't think he has the strength.

December 2018, 4 years post dday2, I decided we were reconciled. January 2020 I decided I was done. He showed me in that year that he hadn't really changed or done any work deep down. It was all surface crap.

My IC tried to give me ways to work with him because he's so damaged. She thinks he needs to be coddled. I told I can't do it. I won't do it. I'm not a therapist. I'm certainly not his therapist. It is not my job to make him well. He has to do that and he has to find someone else to help him.

I am here for now. I can leave whenever I want. Today, I choose to stay because I like my lifestyle and I think my boys are better off than if we divorced. Things are relatively good between my H and I as long as I don't let things get to me. I get annoyed as fuck by his stupidity, but I take a deep breath and let it go. I will leave when I feel ready. Knowing that I can and will leave when I'm ready help me keep my sanity (what little I have ).

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place Elle2. I think when there is a desire to change there is hope.

I just dont think hes a good husband. He tries but its generally with expectations of something in return and its often short lived.

This sounds so similar to what I experienced. It took my WS years to get out of this paradigm - looking for extrinsic validation of his worth. It is so draining, so exhausting and so emotionally crippling to deal with this day in and day out. It leaves little room for the healing you need and instead leaves you without the support you expect from a life partner while trying to survive this trauma.

How are you expressing your boundaries with him? What are your expectations of his ability to be the partner you deserve? How do you respond when he turns the conversation to needing you to validate him?

On another note, are you able to get a post nup to give yourself the financial stability you will need should you not be able to stay together? A post nup is essentially a pre-divorce dividing of assets. If he really wants this relationship then he should be willing to give you the support you need knowing he will continue to work on being a better person.

Are you and he in IC?

It is okay to let him know you cannot continue to live this way.

I can answer you on several levels but let me prefac e it all by saying the only way we can live our lives is to just do the best we can and keep moving forward. We often have to make decisions with no guarantee of the outcome so we do the best we can to make the best decision and go from there. If we made the wrong decision, we (usually) have an option to make a different decision. We can't change what's happened to us during the time after decision #1 but we can learn from it and keep going. Living our lives is a process and we're not at the end of that process until we die. So keep that in mind, dear E. You've been handed a crappy situation and the only ingredients are dirt and poo and stinky water and life is asking you to make lemonade. To do so, you have to go to your future and gather the lemonade ingredients.

If any of that made sense. It does in my mind but, well, that might not be saying much anymore.

Anyway, in short:

My XWH is an alcoholic. I'm the adult child of a raving alcoholic and a passive mother who was paralyzed by it all. XWH was actually a lot of fun when he drank. At first but of course, it eventually spiraled down into an abyss of misery and pain for the whole family. He had an A with a COW who would go sit in the bars with him. He went into alcohol treatment and we reconciled. That was in 1982.

Fast forward to 2003-2010 - he lost his job, his mother died and then his Dad died. He became depressed and ornery and if you understand alcoholism, he was no longer what we call sober but rather in a dry drunk. Unfortunately, we had both fallen away from our AA and AlAnon.

In 2016, he went to his 50th H.S. class reunion and "reunioned" with all his H.S. drinking buddies, including his old girlfriend and just had such a great time. He left when I found out about the A and has ghosted me ever since. To say it rocked my world is an understatement. As impossible as he was, I can truly say I loved him even when he was at his worst. He's married to her now and our family is in shambles. My kids have a casual relationship with him but we're not a family anymore in any sense of the word. We used to be. We used to the solid family every other family in the neighborhood or our church or people we worked with looked up to. So the rug has been pulled out from under me in ways I can't even begin to describe.

So I've spent the last 2.5 years rehashing in my mind should I have done this, should I have done that, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

And I finally realized I just have to accept that this is my life. Lessons learned, cherish the good memories and let the rest go because I can't begin to figure out how things would have turned out if I'd left him back in 1982 (which, ironically, I ended up staying because we couldn't agree who got the cat and the dog and he was so pathetic, I offered to stay and we were great for the next 20 years). Sometimes I look back and think I'd have gotten a great job and raised my kids just fine and had a wonderful career and wide circle of friends. But it's truly just as likely that I'd have met another alcoholic and ended up with worse problems.

I'm actually not sure he'd have left me for her, I think he was just dallying around for fun and would have eventually quit. But once my suspicions were solid, I confronted him and kicked him out. I agonize over that decision, too. But I can't change it. I did what I did and he responded as he did and it's over and done with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't forced the issue and sometimes I'm glad I did. But what's trapping me now is the paralysis of moving forward. At age 70, I don't know what to do with myself or where to live or even what I want to do. So I think the bigger question for you is not to second-guess your past choices but to embrace them as the ones that were right for you at the time but to keep growing as a person and keep your career dreams viable and your hobbies and your friends and be the best that you can be and you can make whatever decision you want to in the future.

I remember saying to him back in 1982 that I was going to become a better person (via AlAnon, etc.) and he could either keep up with me or fall by the wayside. He kept up with me for quite awhile but he eventually couldn't keep the pace anymore and reverted to his old habits and fell in the ditch. I went on without him at long last. Probably too late but I did it.

I have a theory in my head but not sure I'm making it clear. Maybe I'll read this again later and try to edit it to add my "conclusion." It's in my head somewhere......

I’m a divorced BH, so I’ll answer the converse of your question: no, I don’t regret getting divorced and am much happier now. I stayed in limbo hell for years, citing my three kids as justification for staying, but finally pulled the plug after finding out about OM2. In retrospect, I should have pulled the plug years earlier! I don’t think any BH will express any regrets for getting divorced.

To answer your question, no I don't regret that because I got divorced, but not until after 2 affairs and not until 5 years of failed R after the 2nd affair. Now that I am I am so grateful that I did. It was %200 percent the right thing to do (at least for me).

I don't now your story and have just seen this thread and a couple comments you made jumped out of the screen at me as follows:

He swears he's not cheating and honestly I don't think he is, but if he were I wouldn't be surprised.

Im not happy most days. Im really not.

Do you want to wake up tomorrow feeling the same way?

Do you want to wake up in 1 week feeling the same way?

Do you want to wake up 1 month from now feeling the same way?

Do you want to way up 1 year from now feeling the same way?

Do you want to wake up 5 years from now feeling the same way?

You can talk about regretting not doing it before (when you had a clear head), but you still have a choice on what you want to do today. There's a quote that says, just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you need to keep on making it. You own your own happiness no one else.

Good luck to you.

Yes, I do regret not divorcing after dday1 sometimes.

We were married less than 10 years and had two kids. Getting out was easy.

I think dday2 was a dealbreaker. I have no trust in my husband. It’s been 3 years since dday2... I also have been married for over 15 years and have four kids.

I’m the breadwinner dh, the was, is the primary caregiver to our kids.

It’s a whole lot messier now to try and leave.

I feel extremely lucky that my cheating spouse left me. Had whatever thing she had going on turned sour earlier than it did I would have stupidly taken her back. She filed for divorce and it turned out to be the very best thing she ever did for me even though I didn't know it at the time.

That was 38 years ago and since that time I can honestly say that I've I've known many men and women that regret staying in a marriage too long but not a single person that did get divorced that felt like they rushed into the divorce and that includes several people that remarried the spouse that they divorced.

Like most, mine is all hindsight. I left everything I had ever wanted, after two ddays, to leave a great job, great community, great little house... to try and R. After dday #3, I was so damn fed up with her antics I walked away that day. Packed and left. So, yes, I do wish I had done so after dday #1.

Elle, that sounds very much like my relationship. We’re 3 years out, and he still withholds, is intentionally cruel when angry, blames me for his unhappiness and for mine too... it’s been really hard. If you want to talk further, you can PM me any time.