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A,

Glad the timeline helped you a little. Something you may want to consider – have WW read you her timeline out loud. Many times this can impact them and help them see the A for what it really was. It really tends to help put the stark reality of who they are and what they’ve did into focus. It’s sure worth a try if you want R.

Unsure2019 gives you a valuable tool, one of many that we have given you to break the “specialness” of the affair. Make her see the devastation and grossness of what they did.

I’m hoping you require many of these that have been relayed to you if she wants the possibility of keeping you and rebuilding the relationship.

This will take years. You need to discuss if she has the desire for you enough to do that work.

Are there things you and the OBS discussed that actually would be helpful to share with your wife? Her seeing first hand how she also participated in the pain of another human outside her spouse also can be a wake up call to your WW.

Stay strong.

Unsure,

Might give that a try, have to think about it. Just reading the timeline was painful, can't imagine what hearing her read it would be like.

My impression was he copped to the one incident I knew about when I talked to her. Sounds like she rug swept both revelations. I don't know if anything OBS said to me would be helpful to further discuss with WS. She got mad at AP for blaming the affair on her to OBS. She says she doesn't want me to continue talking to OBS to spare her additional pain, but sounds shady to me.

Here I sit on Easter morning, barely a word spoken between us.

Any discomfort the OBS experiences from talking with you is 1,000 less than the devastation caused by your wife's affair with her husband.

There's plenty of stuff not in the timeline.

Your wife is just trying to maintain control over what or how much you know.

Simple.... your WW gets no say in what you need to heal from her abusive behavior. If you need to communicate with OBS, communicate. Bet WW is worried more will come out.

So here we go.

After he tried to contact her last Thursday, nothing today. I can only guess that he panicked after my call to OBS and wanted to know if I knew anything more than what she told him I knew last May. I didn't know anything more until I talked with her. Then the truth finally came out. Apparently he had a meeting with their boss today but it is unknown what that was about. Since he apparently is blaming everything on WS, confirmed by OBS, if he goes to HR I am ready to burn everything to the ground, let the chips fall where they may. Funny thing is, she finally showed remorse to not only me but to OBS. She has written down what she will do to rebuild this and has asked me what I want her to do. Even IC which she adamantly opposed earlier is now on the table.

What am I to think about all this?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:34 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

IC for a long while before any thought of MC. She is the broken one. Not your marriage. She needs to prove to you that she can become a safe partner before you can offer the gift of R.

You're seeing the impact of exposure blowing up her fantasy that this is a harmless romantic tryst and the OM's fall from grace.

It's too soon to know where it goes long term or whether she is willing to do the years of hard work to make herself a safe partner.

Don't assume the woman you married is 'back'.

IMO take the approach that your marriage was destroyed and your wife morphed into a different person. So go slow, continue to protect yourself, and take plenty of time (months/years) to decide whether to build a new marriage with this person.

Upfront they all go into self protection mode.

Read the signs and see what is versus what you tend to want to see.

So here we go. Remember, this is all happening because you are being proactive, taking control of your own life and stating clearly what you need in order to stay and work on the relationship.

So continue on that path.

A few days ago I sent you PM with about 30 things that could be in a rebuilding plan. It is your right to review her plan and discuss what you agree with, don’t agree with and let her know what is missing.

This is what you need to see in order to even try rebuilding what she destroyed. If she doesn’t like it then that tells you she is not all in. She should want to do these things for you because she truly loves you and feels awful about her betrayal. If she doesn’t it’s not going to work.

Remember a plan is a very first step. Saying she will do these things is NOT the same thing as actually doing them. Reconciliation doesn’t even start until she’s actually completed or continuously done the things she has said she would.

Stay strong. You’ll find happiness again, I know it, only question is will she be with you when you do.

What am I to think about all this?

The four posts after your last post are 100% spot-on.

The only thing you are to think at this point is that the A is falling apart and you are gaining some control of the situation. That doesn't mean your wife is "back" or that she's necessarily a good candidate for R. Nor does it mean that you are in total control; you could still be blindsided by something awful. Do not get all excited that this is over and start letting your guard down. You need to be vigilant if you want to maintain some order and control here.

Watch her, keep your eyes open, don't change anything yet. No hugs and kisses and cuddling on the couch watching a movie because you're now "reconciling." No deep, affectionate conversations. No nothing without running everything by the people here at all. And certainly no MC yet; WW has to prove that she's 100% honest and committed to doing whatever it takes to help you heal and reinvent herself. Neither of you are anywhere close to this point.

Apparently he had a meeting with their boss today

Imagine this:

"Hello boss, it's me, AP. Just wanted to let you know that WW has been inappropriately texting and stalking me for years now. I have felt uncomfortable, blackmailed, and abused, but didn't know what to do. I have been victimized. But here I am telling you now. Please help me if you can; I am so scared of what she may do next, and it's affecting my work. Honestly, I think she should be fired. And now her husband has been inappropriately contacting my wife, messing with *my family* and hurting my home life. They both seem to be acting crazy, and they are hellbent on ruining my life for some reason. I think she has developed an obsession with me. She has been truly unprofessional, has compromised this workspace, and frankly, I think she may have some sort of psychopathic personality. She's a monster, really. Here: take a look at all of this evidence (texts, emails, etc.) that I've saved over the years."

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:51 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Dear Achilles,

You have done well in standing up for yourself. I would like to offer my opinion. Like the other posters have stated, your wife is in self-survival mode. She now sees her life crumbling before her eyes. Your wife has lost her long-term affair partner and with the possibility of a loss of employment. Now you want to unleash Hell on her AP after the discovery of the possible intent of her AP to expose the affair to their HR department. Why so much anger to the AP? Your wife is your main concern!!! She is the one that destroyed your marriage and family. I never thought you were either plan A, B, or C. I don’t believe you were in the plans at all.

Best,

Bigheart

I would not consider what you are seeing from her now as remorse. More likely it's regret. Regret at being caught. Regret that this could blow up her entire world. Regret that she may suffer from this.

Achilles:

1.) As far as having her read the timeline out loud, that would bring home to her what she has done.

2.) As far as dealing with HR, talk to your lawyer.

3.) 180, 180, 180.

4.) Polygraph scheduled?

5.) STD Tests?

6.) Stay Strong!!

The 180 is a tool for detaching from an unremorseful WS. It minimizes communication.

achilles,

Since you have an interest in R, you need to maximize communication to find out if your W is a good candidate for R.

Without a goal, IC can easily become mental masturbation. IC to please another person is even worse. For IC to work well, your W needs to want it and to have at least one goal. For R to work, one of her goals needs to be something like 'to change from betrayer to good partner.'

Hi Achilles

I know this sucks-I was you 5 months ago. I know that you've read "you will make it!" many times. You have to know that! I know you don't right now, and although I'm not where I will be, I'm in a much stronger, better place! In general I started at "OMG, how am I going to live without W?" to "Moving on without her is going to be my saving grace!"-this is where I am. The thing is, I couldn't make myself feel that way in the beginning, it just happened, over time (still is), by paying close attention to what these very experienced folks were offering me.. Just the other day I went back to read my posts from 5 mos. ago-it amazed me about how far I have come and how so very accurate the advice I received was (very similar advice to what you're receiving).

Why am I angry at AP? I am angry at everyone. I am tired of the lies from both of them. I get they are trying to save their ass but really, doesn't anyone have any morals any more? I think frustration is where I am at. I surely thought better of my wife, him, he is just a greater part of society I had faith in. I forgot, I am tired of OBS forgiving his bullshit excuses. I know I cant control any of this but it kills me

I tried the180 and am terrible at it. I think my emotions are to strong

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 8:28 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Please reread Sisoon’s last post. If your intent is to attempt to R you need to max8 I’ve communication to determine if she is at all a candidate for R. The 180 does the opposite and minimizes communication. Also, it really does no good just to be willing to “go” to IC, without a goal in mind. What does she hope to accomplish in IC? If she is just going to IC to check off a box you require and to please you, then it is wasted time and money. I get your frustration and disgust. If you choose R or D, both are ways out of infidelity. You are in control. In time you will decide what’s best for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:14 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

If it were me, I would be concerned that I was plan B for my cheating spouse. If the AP has ended things and thrown her under the bus, she’s going to try to hang on to the marriage since everything else in her life is falling apart.

Don’t be plan B.

I kinda get it, I want to believe in her, but tonight she left me crying in the garage, I t seems like if she doesn't have contact with him everything is ok I get that everything is falling apart for her .But what about me?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 12:06 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]