SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ll add just because everyone knows doesn’t mean it’ll end.

My daughter has been saying we should get a divorce, sad it kills me.

Not often does one receive a divorce endorsement from son or daughter. Says a lot I believe.

She asked if she could put her wedding ring back on and I said I didn't think it was time yet.

Her question and your answer was an unintentional microcosm of the affair. Putting the ring back on may have been to hasten the journey of reconciling. It would be reassuring for her at a time where you're just starting to reassess. Quite opposite ends of the spectrum.

Read enough on SI and one gets a feel for how things may play out. Based on her actions of defiance and unacceptability, you appear to be in for a long, drawn out period where you have to scratch, claw and fight for every inch of her reaching reconciliation candidacy.

Confession, transparency, forthrightness, and your wife merely taking an active role in the recovery, let alone driving driving it, appears to be a pipe dream for the time being.

I would tell her that “your reaction to my response about the ring shows that you are focused on you and your needs more than me and what I need to heal. Until you understand and can take in the pain you have caused me and can turn your attention fully on what it takes to rebuild a relationship you destroyed, we don’t have a chance.

For the record, your response should have been ‘I understand, I’ll wait until we are both comfortable with it after we have worked together to rebuild a new relationship’. That’s the last time I’ll tell you this. You need to figure this out and until you do, I’m going to work on healing myself, alone. “

Achilles. Have you finalized the plan with her? Told her what’s missing and asked her if she’s going to add it in? Ever week you should review the steps she’s taken on each of the items you agree are needed. Tell her what’s lacking and what you have appreciated.

And definitely ask for weekly letters from her.

However, nothing matters if she can still talk to the AP. Let her know that. And let her know that if she can’t remove herself from the situation where they still work together, then you are not interested in staying in such a relationship.

Tell her if and when she has resolved that as a part of her life, to let you know, and in the meantime you’ll be talking to a lawyer about what D looks like. Then actually do that this week.

Get the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Read it yourself and have her read it. It spells out everything the CP needs to do to start R. If she reads it and still claims she doesn't know what to do, or doesn't do it, then you have your answer about whether or not you can attempt R.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 10:07 AM, April 18th (Saturday)]

Jorge,

I don't think my daughter is endorsing a divorce decision, I believe she just recognizes the stress induced by the situation and thinks things would be better if we divorced.

Steve,

No we haven't finalized the plan yet. We have talked about it but until today, the first day we have talked calmly and rationally, we haven't had a chance. The job thing is a problem. She really does not want to leave her job so that is ongoing.

More things have come out. She took me to his baby shower right at the beginning of the affair and made a comment about how it may have been a chance for me to stop it. Really didn't understand and didn't get an explanation. So, issues with that.

Will have to get that book

Another day in the life

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:54 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]

She took me to his baby shower right at the beginning of the affair and made a comment about how it may have been a chance for me to stop it.

Just cheater bullshit. It’s all your fault? Nope, sure isn’t.

She made a very conscious and willing decision to enter into an affair. Not to mention all the time/effort and planning it took. When they introduce you to their affair partner it’s a whole other level of deceit/disrespect.

Not to mention she willingly went back for part 2 after being caught.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:25 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]

I wish some WS's would reply to provide insight to what they were thinking when they did what they did. So much of this makes no sense.

I just don't get so much of what she says.

Just to clarify, she didn't get caught, he told his wife about it. Doesn't make it better, just different scenario. I didn't know at that time

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:36 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]

Just so everyone is clear, I understand she made a conscious decision to engage in an affair. It is not my fault that she did that. Now healing is my goal

I just don't get so much of what she says.

That's probably simply because it doesn't make sense, very typical, she's a proven cheater and liar.

You are trying to rationalize the irrational.

An impossible task.

It will most likely never make sense to you because it is nonsensical. There is nothing rational about cheater thinking or action. If you aren't a cheater, you won't understand. Believe me, we have all tried.

That shit about you maybe stopping it is just that, shit. It's blameshifting. If only the BP had done, or not done, such-and-such, I wouldn't have cheated. Mmmhmmm...yeah, no. For true remorse, your CW needs to see how wrong that thinking is and throw it away. She needs to understand and accept that she is responsible for her shitty thinking, choices, and actions regardless of you.

Today we were talking and I said that I loved her at her best and at her worst. Then I said she only gave him her best. She said wow and walked out. I guess this tells me what I need to know?

An affair is fantasy. It’s all good. No bills to pay, no daily family life to deal with. It’s all sex, feel good time.

You were correct. OM gets her best. No commitment. It’s all good.

Her reaction says you have no one to R with. Probably because wonder man is still in the equation. She’s fine with it. She’s been living the dream long term. Why would she want to give up her current lifestyle?

Ok sex I get that but she seemed to want to know that she was desirable. The sex was just a way to show that. It seems like it was more than sex, like am I desirable. Doesn't excuse anything just trying to figure it out

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:58 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]

There is a theme somewhat that a wayward pays for the attention of the AP with sex. A reward for the ego kibbles received and a promise of more for continued attention.

Perhaps that is what you’re trying to come to terms with?

Yes. I think that is exactly it

In this scenario (if that’s the case) the affair trumps everything. Marriage, spouse, even family. They live for the next magic moment.

Nothing else seems to matter much.

There’s a myth that they all wake up and come back. They don’t. My sister was a wayward and her mentality never changed.

Talk won’t get you much. At some point you may wake up and find your way. Some just stay and take what they’re given. I have a cousin who’s wife cheated early on in their marriage. She never stopped but he still stayed. I’ve seen this more than once. Sorry it’s not either R or D for everyone.

Achilles

She keeps walking out on you after you say something she doesn't like.

She still believes this is your fault. She believes that you don't get it. You believe that she doesn't get it.

You won't detach because you are afraid that you will lose her. She is already detached from you. This gives her control of the situation. When are you going to do the things that give you control?

How to regain control:

1. Require that she change jobs.

2. Have her take a polygraph to check her timeline.

3. Master the 180. She has it mastered already. You don't. Get on the stick. You say "it isn't me." It better become you or you are toast.

4. Once again, you have to be willing to lose this marriage in order to save it, and she has to believe it. Right now, she is willing to lose it, and you aren't. You are allowing her to keep control. Why??

5. As long as you are operating on that basis, you are either going to lose this marriage, or have to continue on in limbo.

Achilles, I think that part of the reason you're desperate for answers to her behavior is because perhaps if you know what she's thinking, you may find a way to convince her to R. Unfortunately you can't. We have had many BSes who spent hours and hours researching every nuance of their WS's psyche looking for a cure to their lack of remorse and they're pretty much all S/D now because it does not work.

What does work is doing the list that skerzoid posted. Getting into your WW's mindset only feels like you're regaining control but doesn't actually change anything about what she is doing and your chances at R. Actually putting boundaries in place, telling her what you require for R, and the 180 are what taking back control really looks like. Take your focus off of her and what she's thinking or doing. Put it back on you what you need to be doing to get yourself out of infidelity and to heal.