SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know what I want and I hurt worse than ever

Continuing to process here will help.

Take a hot shower. Breathe. Don't forget to eat and drink water. Cover your basics. You're traumatized.

You don’t have to know what you want.

You have to know you don’t want a lying cheating spouse.

Doesn’t mean you have to D or R. No permanent decisions.

It just means you don’t have to live or tolerate her behavior and disrespect.

You will heal. You will be fine. You will survive this. We all do.

You just have to decide the 180 is the best solution for you right now. Do not text her. Do not respond to her. Do not talk to her excretory for yes and no and $ and schedules. No meals with her. No cooking for her. No laundry for her. No errands or favors.

That is your step 1.

A1101,

Its not that she can't get counseling, she won't. She is deathly afraid of being known as the "Office whore" her words. She does not want anyone at work to know.

You have some leverage here. Let her know you are fully capable of using it.

Achillies,

You can be glad you ended up here, I would guess the majority of your posters did not until years or decades later by which time they had unknowingly botched their chances of recovery or confession.

Since you may have to stay put with your WW have her write out a timeline for the affair with all the details. Then take her for a polygraph. Make the polygraph her next birthday present.

You first need a baseline of absolute truth about what went on if there were other affair partners, who knew.

DNA you kids.

Expose the OM widely kids, parents, work, linkedin, facebook, church, etc etc, do it all at once and without warnings or threats especially do not inform your WW.

kids know but nobody else does

so do I put on the family post?

telling OBS was big even though she didn't tell me shit liberating

I'm glad you're starting to see through her lies, but make no mistake about it, this is just the tip of the iceberg, an almost 5 year LTA is a double life, she told you literally THOUSANDS of lies, family events, birthdays, anniversaries, etc., all while she was sleeping with OM and betraying the entire family, you must be thinking she deserves an Oscar for her performance, probably not, you simply trusted her to keep her vows and she just took advantage of that.

Again we've seen this play out THOUSANDS of times, I personally always suggest D after an LTA and in the case of SERIAL CHEATERS but if you still insist and are still considering R as a possibility, and if you read here long enough you will come across a common phrase, that "you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it", in your case you M is dead, she killed it, but then again if there was a slim chance to come back from that, you first need to file for D ASAP and EXPOSE her A with everyone (not just OBS) among other things, but those two steps are crucial. Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time, we're on your side.

One thing that bothers me, How does this happen? I know it happens but How do you cheat on someone you love? Or is love a lie? and for how long has it been a lie? Is everything a lie? She looked me in the eye and said I Do, Was that a lie? Is anyone redeemable? No one ? Am I?

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:15 AM, April 10th (Friday)]

Among other personality characteristics, cheaters enable themselves to cheat by allowing themselves to be (in the context of their marriage): selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse.

Cheaters tell themselves whatever they need to in order to justify and continue with the affair.

The most common justification is that she convinced herself that you would never find out (and what you don't know won't hurt you). Plus it's common for cheaters (in their head) to under estimate the pain and consequences if she did get caught.

She keeps saying she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that she had to know it would hurt me and she said she thought I wouldn't find out so no hurt. She admitted to being selfish.

So, just a short update to get it out of my system.

Apparently the affair started on a game app in 2015. It continued for about a year when, for a reason I don't know, AP told his wife. Supposedly the affair ended at that time. Then at the end of 2017 it started up again and continued until I found out in May of 2019.

WS knew he told his wife but she didn't tell me obviously.

When I confronted WS in 2019, she did not tell me about the past incidents with him and did not tell me the truth about the latest incidents.

So here I am, stuck in a lie.

Breathe. Try to cut out ¹the alcohol. It won't help.

You don't have to decide anything now. You can take time to process your feelings. Take time to rationally weigh all your options. To do that coherently, you need to be sober all the time. Consult a divorce lawyer.

Was it all a lie? Very possibly. My H finally admitted 5 years dday, almost 29 years of M, that everything he presented himself to be when we were dating and first married was a lie.

He still contends that he always loved me. I don't think so. I think he loved the idea of me. IOW, he had an image of what a wife were supposed to be. He projected that image onto me without seeing the real me. He may have always loved something, but it wasn't me.

Only I can hurt me.I choose what happens. I control what happens

No!

You get to act. She gets to respond to your actions any way she chooses. You then get to respond any way you choose.

You control you. You don't control your W. You don't control the situation. You can't predict the future.

Therefore, be very careful in your actions and responses.

*****

IMO, WSes cheat because they don't love themselves and because they want to avoid dealing with the giant holes inside them. They may love their BSes as much and as well as they can, but those holes inside are so painful that they overwhelm the love.

That's is probably an overgeneralization, and it's only an opinion.

I have sympathy for WSes. Also some contempt for unremorseful WSes. I have more sympathy for BSes.

*****

You're right to take the time you need to think clearly, IMO.

One thing I urge you to do. Be straight. Be honest. Do not attempt to manipulate your W.

Whether you D or R, I think your best bet is to go into the process with your eyes open and ask for what you want.

The best way to evoke honesty is, IMO, to be honest.

Right now my mind is going a hundred MPH. I don't know what to think. I don't even know what the truth is.

Is R even a possibility now? Strange as it may seem I think that is what I still want. I guess I believe there is still good in her, I'm not sure why.

Strange as it may seem I think that is what I still want. I guess I believe there is still good in her, I'm not sure why.

Everyone feels this way. It is my opinion that WS know, in some fundamental, gut level way, that BS feel like this about them and it gives them the confidence to selfishly do what they want. The WS subconsciously figures they are too important to the BS to be kicked out, and they are usually right. This is all just my opinion from reading thousands of stories here.

In many ways, infidelity is a wake up call for a BS and reminds them that they matter, that they have a right to have a great R--with or without their WS. Maybe it will be your wake up call, as well. You do matter. So A. What do you want specifically? And B. How can you stand up for yourself and make sure to get it?

Do you really believe that the AP told his wife about the affair?????

Rule #1 about cheaters:

They lie!

Contact the AP’s wife and verify that she knows, and maybe she can provide you some information

She keeps saying she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that she had to know it would hurt me and she said she thought I wouldn't find out so no hurt. She admitted to being selfish.

Of course she knew, she also knew she was taking risks and the consequences of those risks, not to mention the possibility of potentially life threatening STDs (basically playing russian roulette with your health).

She will soon give you the "I need time to figure what I want" line.

WRONG You need time to figure what you want! She made her decision for the last 4-5 years doing what she wants.

Yes you still love her, we all do that until we wake up and question that idea.

By downloading the divorce documents from the county you will get a good idea what is involved and a feeling of some control. I felt better seeing Me v Her on the D papers than if saw Her v Me.

If you let people know like in the family, friends or at work you control the narrative. Tell then that your W has had a BF for years and you will not accept that. It's up to her to explain the 5 years of cheating...

FWIW - I worked in some offices during summer breaks and don't for second think that the office doesn't already know her as the "office whore" . They are not nearly as clever as they think, the other employees have eyes and in my office we would watch as the boss made a big "Going to lunch and then to the downtown office, call if you need me!" announcement at 11:55 then Connie would leave at 12:04 Odd that her car was still in the lot when she was gone.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:51 PM, April 10th (Friday)]

Achilles,

Every marriage is based on 3 things. Think of it like a stool. If one of the legs is damaged, you might be able to repair the stool, but it will never be the same as before, and there will always be uncomfortable.

Those three things are

Love

Respect

Trust

Love- No person that loves someone else could EVER do something that could cause a mere fraction of the pain that you and the kids are feeling right now. This is COMPLETELY on her! She did this, you had NOTHING to do with here selfishness!!!

Respect- she obviously has zero respect for you as a man, or as a husband if she screwed another man, just one, let alone for 5 years!!! Just think how many times they we’re screwing!!!! Do You know if she ever had sex with with lowlife in your house? Your bed??? Basically ZERO RESPECT

Trust- all trust is gone! Do you think you will ever believe her ever again?? He has been lying to you for the last 5 years! Even when honesty was the only thing that could possibly save herself and the marriage, she chose to blatantly lie to you!!! From now on, whether it is 5 days from now, 5 months, or 15 years from now, if she is late by 5 minutes, are you going to wonder if she is in bed with her boyfriend or some other lowlife guy?

I’m sorry. I really am. But most of us here have been where you are. You have to do whatever it takes so that you can look yourself in the mirror.

Good luck and stay strong!