SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, you're less than a year out from d-day and partially dependent financially on your WS. I remember the awfulness of not knowing what was going to happen, but in terms of time, I don't think you've been slow. It takes a lot of time for many BSes to figure out what they want.

Being betrayed is traumatic. Be kind to yourself. Stop worrying about time. Stop criticizing yourself. Trauma fucks up the victim's ability to think and to act. Accept that. And accept that you're coming out of it.

My reco is to seek an optimal decision, not a fast one.

*****

If you R, she doesn't give up the job for you. She has to do it for herself. She has to realize she's keeping herself in a dangerous sitch, and she has to want to be as safe as possible.

She has to see cheating as betraying her true self.

JMO, of course.

*****

Is her reasoning correct? Does this job pay better than others? Better benefits? More time off? Working with better people?

I imagine she's afraid of getting into a new environment. She's comfortable. Her company presumably thinks she's competent. She doesn't have to prove herself in the same way she'd have to prove herself in a job hunt and new job.

But not looking for a new job - not finding a new job - is tantamount to choosing om over you. Ignoring that fact makes her a lousy candidate for R.

*****

If you're not ready for D yet, so be it. Keep testing her.

Look in the mirror. You haven't done anything wrong. Again, stop beating yourself up. That just wastes energy that you can better use in healing yourself.

I think it would be great if you started to practice the simplified 180. I just bumped that thread and some others, so I reco checking out the bull's-eye threads in the JFO forum.

I think I have finally somehow accidentally fallen into at least a form of the 180. I have gotten into some "I don"t care mode" that limits how we interact. Now she says even though she has "fixed herself" she will go to IC. She even seems to be starting to wobble on the job thing. But I really don't seem to care to much.

One thing she still does that makes me not care, is tell me why she is done with him and not start up again. Don't tell me why something can't happen, tell me what you are going to do to prevent it

Get stronger and stay there.

This is on her. If she’s not willing to work for the marriage you don’t have much.

She’s gotten bad or no advice how to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. That’s something that a truly remorseful wayward would immediately research and begin working toward right away.

She’s basically just seeing how much you can live with (breaking NC, keeping the job, no IC). She’s doing all this for her. None of it is because she wants to ease your pain.

I’d even tell her that. All these things she’s doing is to save her own ass, not help mend your broken heart.

I still think if it were me, I’d tell her, you’ll be served D papers In The next few weeks. I need a partner who cares about me more than they do themselves. Your obviously not that person.

If you ever become that person thru IC and getting the AP out of your life completely, let me know. If I’m still in a place where that’s of interest to me, I’ll call you back.

Don’t you want a partner that will do anything to make amends for their awful painful choices? Isn’t that what being married is all about? It’s not being perfect. It’s caring for what happens when you are not and doing everything in your power to make it right.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:01 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

stevesn.

She has gotten little advice on how to deal with this. Don.t forget, that just over two weeks ago, roughly ten months after DDay, I finally got the truth because I called OBS. So she has been in denial for that entire time. I am not excusing her behavior, perhaps mine.

Yes I want that partner. But right now I don't really seem to care. She is a very affectionate person, part of her low self esteem that needs validation that she is desirable, long story that goes back to her childhood that I will not get into.

I have a hard time showing any affection to her right now. It seems forced and fake. She sees that and has commented on it. Is what it is.

I have always respected you opinions and value your advice

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 11:47 PM, April 26th (Sunday)]

Now she says even though she has "fixed herself" she will go to IC.

lolol she thinks she’s already fixed herself? She had a four and a half year long affair, but she’s all cured of her personal defects without professional help.

SMH

Pandora,

another tragic greek figure. Has she had time to reflect on herself and what she has done? Yes, can she fix it in the ten months? I think not.

I think she will remain a flawed person, like all of us. If she doesn't get help I don't think she can fix herself

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:22 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

But I think the sooner you can get to the point where your indifference translates into action, the sooner you will find relief in knowing you have a path out of this pain.

You need to stop trying to lead the rebuilding effort. You need to tell her that you’re done pushing on a rope. Tell her you’ve already communicated to her what you need and you’re moving on until you see it.

Until you do that, she’s not going to do anything. As I said before, as long as she sees you staying around, shes going to try and outlast you, wear you down, and hope you’ll accept a life less than even satisfactory.

She hopes you’ll forget it all. That she can rug sweep without IC. That she can keep her work life and the connection it has to the AP, and that you’ll just accept it all.

And that is exactly what you are going to have to do, accept it, if you decide to stay without her doing anything proactive.

Listen to what her lack of actions are telling you. If I did what she did to my Wife, I’d be proactively trying to take every step I could to make her life and environment completely conducive to healing. I’d be researching what she needs and doing those things. I wouldn’t wait for her to tell me.

Your wife won’t do them even when you tell her you need them.

So listen to her inaction. Tell her it’s obvious that she very easily spent half a decade risking everything she had for the more important love she found with the OM and it speaks volumes that she won’t now risk everything to try and keep the man she vowed to love honor cherish and protect. That you can’t MAKE her want to do that, so you are going to stop trying to.

The call a lawyer this week and find out what it takes to get D papers served in this new world.

I’m not denying this is all so hard. But I am telling you that she’s making it clear that you have no other other to happiness right now. Her actions, or lack thereof, are telling you that.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:41 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

I think she will remain a flawed person, like all of us. If she doesn't get help I don't think she can fix herself

You might be right, you might be wrong. The thing is, we all know that you've suffered a trauma and that there is no timeline that you must follow in order to find peace and serenity and happiness. We all know that we can't rush it, we all know it goes smoother with a support system and we all know that each person is an individual with different circumstances that will affect the speed that our brains process the trauma.

But here's where I'm going to chime in to add another element to the discussion. In order for you to heal, your focus should be on you, on your steps to make yourself the best version of you that you can be, on your steps to heal from your trauma, on your steps to create a better future for you and your children. Your focus should not be on your WW. AND, considering it took you (and every BS here) a bit of time to wake up and smell the S.I. coffee, perhaps the same will be true for your WW. Maybe she's ashamed and needs a bit of time to process her shame and guilt before she can bring herself to even admit to it. Or maybe she's not ashamed and needs a bit of time to process how things have changed and try to figure out how to manipulate you. You see, just as it's hard for you to figure out your feelings and what to do, the same is true for her but the problem is, we don't know what she's striving for. Only time will reveal that. So while you wait that out, keep the focus on you and only you.

What shape is your wardrobe in? Is it time to try on all your old clothes and get rid of the things that don't fit or that you don't like and make plans for the new additions you'd like? Is there an online course you'd like to take? Either to enhance your mind or start a new hobby? Does your toolbox need a makeover? Is it time to create a little toolbox for one of your children? Where do they want to go to college? You could sit and look online at different campuses with them and daydream about it all. And then you can start a savings plan, even if it's only $1 per week. I don't know your finances so these are just crazy ideas to spark your own ideas of things to do. Use this time to bond with your children and hug them and find special things to do with them are a just "me and Daddy" things. The rest will sort itself out in time.

You're a good guy and you didn't deserve this. And yet, here you are. But the good news is, you happened to find 70,000+ good guys to hang out with and talk to. Your life will only get better every single day from now on. Trust us on that one.

Don't tell me why something can't happen, tell me what you are going to do to prevent it

My H did this. He told me over and over that it would never happen again. He didn't tell me what he was doing to ensure that. Pre-A he said it would never happen, period, and we see how well that worked.🙄 His words don't mean a thing.

Speaking of healing...

why do I keep going back and reading the timeline over and over? Am I looking for answers? I haven't found any yet. I torment myself with it.

Probably just trying to fit it all into the narrative of your life. I can understand. Are you thinking about what was going on during that time and some of the days? Were some of them special days for you and her? When I found out I found that some of the days from the phone bills were things like my birthday, our anniversary and during a family vacation. There was something about the staining of those memories that really hurt.

I don't know, she can't give me exact dates. Often not even specific details except for things that seemed to stand out since happened over such a long time. A lot of big things happened during that time frame, lost both my parents, back surgery, retirement, youngest daughter's sweet sixteen. Hell, we even went on a trip to Idaho to look at retirement property and talked about a new life there. That really pisses me off. Do your boyfriend and go on a trip with me to plan our future.

achilles1101, If you really need to know than maybe hypnosis? If it works they (mythical group) say that you can remember much more than just thinking and "trying" hoping that you won't remember. If she goes for it at least she is showing no defensiveness and would show how hard she is working at being honest.

JMO YMMV

I have a hard time showing any affection to her right now. It seems forced and fake. She sees that and has commented on it. Is what it is.

She comments on it huh?

She should be on her knees thanking you whenever you show her any kind of affection, instead of just expecting it. She shouldn't be expecting anything from you. Any day you choose to continue staying with her she should view as a gift.

But here's where I'm going to chime in to add another element to the discussion. In order for you to heal, your focus should be on you, on your steps to make yourself the best version of you that you can be, on your steps to heal from your trauma, on your steps to create a better future for you and your children. Your focus should not be on your WW.

I agree in spades.

WRT the timeline, can your W place the events of her A in relation to other events in your life?

Hypnosis may be a good idea. One of the things done in hypnosis is to evoke feelings of safety in the subject, and that leads to uncovering info hidden by fear.

Westway

She finally read a few articles and has learned we need to work together and show affection to each other. I have no idea what articles she read, but she contrasts them to what I get from here. She has walked into the room when I have been on a forum and read what was on the screen (nothing I posted). She has commented about nobody knows what she is thinking or anything about her. Apparently I got some kind of look on my face and before I could respond, she said if the site was important for me to heal, I should use it. I told her I would continue to use your guidance whether she liked it or not.

I don't know what happened but I then said that this whole thing is on my timeline. I will decide if you are doing enough to heal yourself and help me heal and if I feel that is not the case we will move to divorce. I told her I will not stay in limbo indefinitely like I have for the last 11 months. I guess I let them drop a little.

So in regards to the timeline. I got like weeks, months or timespans of when they met, when they started flirting, when they started sending pictures, first encounter etc. Some things are related to events, like OBS's baby shower, the birth of his daughter, super bowl, the death of his brother or Christmas.

Now that I think about it, almost nothing is related to anything that has to do with me and very little has anything to do with our family. I guess I didn't realize that until I started writing this.

She has almost no details in the first year when things were the most active.

Some time spans are larger than others and don't really correlate to any specific event, just a time frame.

She has since admitted that when I first found out she told me a story that was a compilation of multiple encounters that was crafted to cover what she thought I knew about the affair.

That went way longer than I thought it would, sorry

She’s minimizing. Pretty common.

The fact is she’s a proven liar so I doubt that will magically disappear.

She thinks you have to show affection TO EACH OTHER?!

How can you do that if you don’t even feel safe in your own marriage? Does she think that staring into each other’s eyes is the way to help you heal?

I know I’m repeating myself terribly, but that is not step one on the other to rebuilding. IC and NC with a new job are the first steps.

She wants you to jump direct to stage 12.

Has she read “how to help your spouse heal from your affair”?

How about “not just friends?”

Honestly if she knows about this site perhaps she should begin posting on Wayward Side and see what she learns there.

She is not remorseful for how she hurt you. She’s sad for what she lost. And I still don’t believe her heart is with you. I believe it’s still with him until she can prove otherwise.

We just want you to have what you deserve in a partner. And if she can’t give you that you can’t force it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:50 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I know, I told her that I knew she had done what I asked and quickly, I found holes in the timeline that she said were the result of her trying to get on it right away.

I asked her what she had done proactively to try and make me heal. She said she had read several articles and ordered two more books when I said we need to read how to help your spouse heal from your affair. She also commented that she didn't know what do or she would have told me the truth initially. She said the truth and the book she started with the timeline, apology letter and plan are a new start.

I'm tired of telling her what to do.

I don't think she would post on the wayward forum. She has made comments about the site, none favorably.

So I sit here asking for advice and she sits on the couch playing on her phone, or whatever she is doing on it, I really don't care. Except I guess if I didn't care I wouldn't be here