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She was never going to leave me for him. The affair was a fantasy for her and allowed her to get what she thought she was not getting in the marriage. They both used each other for their own selfish reasons.

Question, If I end up choosing R for some strange reason, do you ever get back to the deep love you once had or is it something different? I feel like the innocence of our love or relationship is gone forever. I know I can never forget what happened. Will that always impede true love? Do you end up settling for something less?

Pondering the possible outcomes this morning I guess

It absolutely will be different. But that does not mean it won’t be as strong or stronger. No.

What you had before was based on trust and attraction and emotion. Those things have been damaged. To what extent time will tell.

But things can replace them. I always say the biggest one is PRIDE. Pride in the work they did to repair the unrepairable. And the fact that they did that difficult work because of how they feel about you. They did not do that for the AP.

Of course she actually has to do it and do it well for you to get there. You absolutely have to feel that she’s devastated by the pain she has caused the one she loves the most and she is willing to and actually does what is needed to heal those wounds.

I’m not convinced your WW is on that path yet. Can she get there sure. And if she does, can you love her for it again? Yes.

But until she shows she is committed to be that for you for a lifetime, you will find it hard to reach that level in your heart again.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:59 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

So there actually is hope? I don't feel that now. It feels like all is lost. I am not sure where this will all go. I feel strangely detached right now, like I don't really care. I guess I feel like nothing can heal the wounds, that I am damaged beyond repair, so how can someone that caused that damage help heal it?

So there actually is hope? I don't feel that now. It feels like all is lost. I am not sure where this will all go. I feel strangely detached right now, like I don't really care. I guess I feel like nothing can heal the wounds, that I am damaged beyond repair, so how can someone that caused that damage help heal it?

I never had a real R, so I can't speak to that personally. But while you're waiting for others with more experience to respond, I'm wondering if you've thought about getting any books yet? People around here seem to swear by "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair," for one.

There are people around here who truly consider themselves reconciled. My understanding is that the A is always a "thing" that hangs out in the relationship on some level. I might recommend dipping your toe in the Wayward Side and Reconciliation forums to see what's up there, get a sense of who the people are who really "get it" and see what their life/process is like.

You don't have to know anything about what you're going to do yet.

Funny thing is I just told my wife yesterday that I wanted to get that book and she ordered it and two more. I have just recently looked at the wayward side and other parts of the site and have had my eyes opened. I know I will never forget the A.

Everyone here has been a lifesaver and I really appreciate it.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:23 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

It is becoming clear the job is not negotiable. So the temptation will always be there.

So there actually is hope?

No, there is not.

The only thing that would help you to R would be her quitting. For you. For the M. Anything else she does will eventually be overshadowed by her not quitting this job for your M.

I'm sorry.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:25 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Achilles,

You wrote, She was never going to leave me for him

That's the classic "work husband" affair, at my current job there was couple like that, both gone. When I asked the guy a few months back was the girl still married he was surprised by my question as if the answer was obvious or he feared the girl divorcing.

I do agree with the other posters if contact continues the affair continues, can you force the OM to quit by exposing him widely or threatening to do so?

Have you confronted the OM?

Ouch

Part of the problem is practical. She has a really good job with good benefits, like health care. I have nothing but my pension. Could I make it without her? Yes but I would struggle. Sooo decisions

Part of the problem is practical. She has a really good job with good benefits, like health care. I have nothing but my pension. Could I make it without her? Yes but I would struggle. Sooo decisions

How hard is living with someone in an active affair?

survrus

I thought about that. My problem is that confronting him personally would probably not go well. I am old school and have to remind myself that things aren't settled the way we used to. The work thing is tricky , I depend on her for health care and income. So a bit of an issue.

Unfortunately his wife seems to be a rug sweeper and won't open her eyes. She has blocked me on the phone and seems content to live her life with him as is

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:51 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Marz,

incredibly difficult. Thanks for pointing that out. I need to weigh all options for myself and my kids.

I am trying to put my kids first, don't always do that obviously but that is the goal

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 2:47 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Achilles,

I get what you are saying my W, OM1 and I all worked at the same company.

I had to leave the company for a much better job. Although I didn't know my coworker would become OM1 at that time, yet my gut was uneasy, but I felt I had no choice.

It's that old joke...

A BH has a friend come into his house to witness his WW and OM having sex. The BH rips off the covers and aims a pistol at the naked OM in bed, his WW tells him the OM has paid for their vacations, country club, medical bills and got BH jobs secretly. The BH asks his friend what he should do, his friend tells him to put the blanket back on the OM so he doesn't catch cold.

I get it, funny but not funny.

Back in the day, I would have just confronted him and punched him in the mouth. Told him worse was coming. Things are different know and I don't know that I have changed with the times, so I have to be careful

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 3:24 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

She has blocked me on the phone and seems content to live her life with him as is

She's living in her own version of hell.

Could I make it without her? Yes but I would struggle. Sooo decisions

I don't know about everyone else here who's divorced, but I have certainly found that life is better with less money and no cheating wife than more money and a wife who goes to work with her boyfriend every day. Not just a little better. Life-changingly better.

I am trying to put my kids first, don't always do that obviously but that is the goal

No better gift you can give them than a happy, healthy, non-abused Dad.

If you think about that long enough, and you think about how short life is, you'll realize that no house, no car, no expensive hockey team, and no amount of mom-and-dad-in-the-same-living-room-every-day matters more than them literally just having their father be OK. It's the greatest gift.

Again, not speaking for anyone else, but I found that everything about my kids' life, and my relationship with them, was better after D.

True R could be just as good; can't speak to that from experience...but I agree that's going to be nearly impossible as long as they're working together.

I just wouldn't fear divorce too much if I were you. There are much worse things. Your current life, e.g.

I don't fear divorce so much as, not true I do. My first wife cheated on me and left me with young children raising them alone, so here we go again. I have finally reached financial stability and it is getting taken from me again everything is getting taken from me again

I feel like I cant start a third time. The common denominator seems to be me.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 5:06 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

If your WW has a good salary and earns more than you, you might be able to get alimony

Getting through infidelity twice from two different spouses must be tough.

It has nothing to do with you though. It’s not as if you discovered that your fiancé cheated on you and married her anyways.

You have raised 2 children that were abandoned by their mother. You children cannot cheat on you. They can’t say that, for the last 4 years, they were not your children

My XWW was from another country. I had lots of good time with her and I learned her culture. Then her cheating came, and I put that in the "lesson learned" drawer, the good times in the "good times drawer".

You had 14 good years with your WW, and 4 bad years. Now you’ll be free to meet someone different and your STBXWW will pay you to do it

And, one day, if you feel particularly angry at what your XWW did, take your XWW alimony money, and buy your new GF a dress, do a selfie and send her a thank you text, I’m sure she would appreciate!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:19 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

It's not about the money, I really want that American dream. wife, love, kids, house, dogs. Simple things that turn out to be not so simple. I guess being older starting over scares me. I started over already once and thought I found love only to be betrayed again. Pipe dream I guess

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 4:24 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

Something to consider...

You live in California and have been married for more than 10 years. SHE will have to pay you alimony for the rest of your life, or until you remarry

It's not like that. She has a good job but it's not so much the pay as the health care benefits. Her pay and my pension are about the same. Buying health care in addition to trying to buying a new home or paying rent would be costly. I can't afford to buy her out of our current home.

The emotional aspect of this is what's really dificult

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 10:19 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

Oh, man! I remember how relieved I was when my W said something like, 'I was never going to leave you. I made that clear at the start.'

I was so, so happy.

For almost a day.

Then I realized she left me every time she left the apartment to go to ow, every time she texted or talked on the phone. Every time wehad to pass up some fun night or even day out, because she was so exhausted by cheating.

I'll accept that she never intended to leave me. But leave me she did. Over and over.

Starting on d-day, though, she cam clean, retired, answered every question....

*****

At 57 you're entering a time of life when the demographics are in your favor - and they'll only get better as time goes on. Just sayin'....