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If he is cheating on you you'll drive him underground a lot further if he thinks you know but are not sure. If he isn't he'll resent it if you are treating him as if he is guilty.

Keep your eyes open as discretely as possible. I hope that all will turn out well for you.

This is what I think. Research quietly. I don't think asking for his email and passwords will help you. If he's in the affair, they find incredible ways to be underhanded and sneaky. It's difficult to 'out sneak' a sneak.

Just because he is brilliant computer scientist that doesn't not mean he will make stupid mistakes with something as simple as email...brilliant people often think they are the smartest person in the room.

This is a good point. I'd keep a watch on his cell phone. Even if it's locked, he'll still be overly protective of it. When I'm not out, mine just lays around on the coffee table in plain view. Honest people don't need it at their elbow all the time.

The letter may be from the AP to force your WH into choosing.

I think this as well. It's a direct shot across the bow at her husband...and not her.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t see someone doing this as a prank or to get someone. What I don’t understand is the lack of at least one clue to chase down. It seems they would tell you where to look.

What I don’t understand is the lack of at least one clue to chase down. It seems they would tell you where to look.

A betrayed spouse would do that. An unhinged other woman wouldn't, but would mention their special bond because she's hoping the OP (original poster) will kick her SWH (suspected wayward husband) out, and then they can live happily ever after once his wife is out of the way.

I would bet he’s cheating. My WH didn’t do social media either. When I found out about his 8 year ! affair guess what he secretly opened a Facebook account and that’s how the ball got rolling. Denied having SM until confronting him. Your husband is in cover his ass mode right now. I would hire a private investigator. Tell him you trust him for now to lull him back into complacency.

The problem is you just don’t know. It could be disgruntled action from the former OW. Which is problematic. Dealing with an unknown is always worse.

Under the circumstances I’d do a complete forensics on everything justice to make sure. Your H should understand and welcome this if there isn’t anything there. Your peace of mind is paramount here.

Does he drive a modern car, it may have a built in tracker. If so you could set up an online account which would then show the journeys he has made in the car. You may be able to clarify ask if you can do thus at the garage where it is serviced, if it applies (assuming it's newish). Just another idea to try and establish the facts for yourself. One thing is for sure, if he is cheating he is unlikely to admit to anything he doesn't have to. They seldom do. That is a cross to bear by a BS, all the characteristics your husband is displaying resonates with a WS, but you do need to clarify the facts for yourself. Hopefully you will have enough ideas to prove or disprove the letter. Another thing I found,if you get access to his phone, is connecting the phone to the computer meant I was able to treat it like a portable hard drive. Whilst it looked like there were no pictures on his what's app account on his phone. I was able to copy it onto my computer and when I kept clicking on the folders and drilling down, I found the 'dic pics' he thought he had deleted a year before. That really shocked him. Up until then he swore blind there was nothing like that going on. I saw a strip tease by phone screen shots. Again all things he thought he had long since deleted. That was my WS, I still find it incredulous this man was able to invest so much time into it. It also just goes to show people should be really careful with what they do with their old phones, when they are going to use them this way.

I hope you find enough evidence to reassure you all is as is should be. I wish you the strength to establish the facts for your own piece of mind. What I learned after dday was to always trust your gut instinct. I ignored mine and it is one of my biggest regrets xx

Here is what struck me as a real possibility.

This woman knows your husband, probably a co-worker. She admires him. She is either single or in an unhappy marriage. She has either tried to get close to hi and been rebuffed or is afraid to try. But she is obsessed.

What does she do? Sends you that letter hoping it will lead to the break up of your marriage. Then he is free and alone and she thinks she can move in on him.

Sound like a stupid conspiracy plot? This stuff does happen. If she were real and truly altruistic she would either have given the Other Woman’s name or given you her own phone number to call and get further detail if you so chose. Questioning him and investigating to the extent you can is prudent. Believing the letter with nothing more is not something I would do and I am a BH and a very cynical lawyer.

I wish you well.

I would support a lot of the comments that have gone before mine. I would let him think you were ignoring that silly old letter, but research quietly in the background. Do it in your own time. If you find something hold back from spilling, until you have verified it, printed it, taken copies of it. Until you really know what you want to do with that info. When I found the first emails I couldn't believe what I was reading. He had been to football, I had no idea how I was going to react when I saw him, but he started to tell me how our friends relationship was on the rocks and boom, I asked him if it would be more appropriate for him to talk to me about our relationship. Of course he played it down, tried to make me think I'd got the wrong end of the stick. We have kids so I slept in the spare room, which gave him opportunity to delete everything current on his phone/emails. But in the night I remembered archive folders in email accounts and found a whole load more stuff in the morning. I wish I had just played him at his own game for longer and got more of the information for myself. Because once they know you know, most evidence is deleted and then it just becomes hearsay and a lot of WS will try to minimise it, deny it and try to make you think you've got it all wrong. And that not knowing then torments you for an indefinite period of time. I became well and truely obsessed with trying to hack my WS phone to recover deleted messages etc. I even downloaded softwareDrFone, but it didn't work. His laptop he shut down and wouldn't reopen. ( it was a work one, again very convenient for him). I wish I knew then, what I know now. If you find stuff and you can hold it together, do so until you are confident in your findings, and give yourself a bit of time to work out how YOU wish to proceed. You will be amazed at how quickly your Bullsxxt radar finely attunes itself to what can come out of your spouses mouth too.

I'm so sorry. The limbo can be so much worse even than finding out the truth. If your husband is flat-out lying to your face right now, you must always remember how far he was willing to go to keep you in the dark.

I too think the letter was written by the OW herself. It's possible, but unlikely, that you were targeted by someone completely unhinged. It's more likely that he's having an affair and the OW thought that if you found out, she'd finally "win" him.

Get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and hide it in his car. I do think your best bet is to appear to have dropped it and quietly look for an opportunity. If he's willing to lie straight to your face then he'll have thought to use a secret app or a burner phone to communicate with the OW (often they are disguised as innocuous apps they can look like a calculator, etc.).

If you are in lock-down now then chances are good that on the few times he's away from you, he's talking to her. Does he go out to the garage for long periods of time? Does he go places in his car? You can also place a GPS on the car.

FWIW I found out by charging up my husband's old phone. He gave me the password to his current phone, and it was the same as his old phone. He didn't have the email account with incriminating emails on his new phone but it was on his old one.

Also, if this OW is trying to make sure that you find out, she may be posting "hints" on social media. Check out all of his friend's accounts, and their friends.

I received a letter just like this. I believed the denials. Then I received another on this time naming the AP. Again I believed denials as it was put down to a vindictive coworker. I received a third letter but by this time I was convinced he wouldn’t do this to me again after the devastation caused by an earlier EA.

She even called me saying “someone had left a message to return a call to my number”. I joked with her saying someone was having a joke with us. She denied any affair...

Well I can’t tell you how stupid I now feel. Six months later she called to “confess” because she felt so bad that she had lied to me.

All crap. They had had a ons and she had stalked and harassed him to leave me for three years. He put up with it because he was concurrently having a 4.5 year long distance affair going on with a former coworker and this was “love”. Not enough to leave me though - she was just a good friend (gag). He said that of course he loved me and didn’t want me to know because I would have left him. Ya think!

Long story to say other posters are right that the letter writer is probably the AP. She may be nuts but whatever. I still kick my self that I readily believed the bullshit. If I had used a var, recovered deleted texts, what’s app messages, checking emails I would have found out. In fact it was only after using an app to recover deleted texts and the threat of a poly dud I get the truth. 2.5 years later I am still so upset with myself for not being proactive when I knew from this site what I should have done. Don’t be me! Letters like this aren’t sent for kicks.

[This message edited by knockedforsix at 7:40 PM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

All day yesterday I considered what everyone has said. It really does sound like the OW trying to make him choose. And he chose me - very loving and supportive all day, but still denying everything. I told him last night that this scenario is the only thing that makes sense. He says he agrees, but that there is no one else and that he loves only me and cannot explain the letter.

I love him so much and feeling like I might lose him has rekindled my flame for him (I have been reading about hysterical bonding, and it does seem that way although there is no confirmed affair). He seems to want me more, too.

I suddenly feel like I need him desperately. If I act upon all of the loving feelings and physical attractions towards him that I have right now - is that like a “pick me” dance even though there’s no confirmed affair? How can I do a 180 if there’s no confirmed affair - or shouldn’t I?

Let’s say for the sake of discussion that I am okay with him having had an affair, as long as it’s over and we are together - is it okay to allow this terrible experience to bring us closer together as we both realize we really do love and not want to lose each other?

I am so confused.

Gently, I understand that this is very confusing. However, I think unless you really dig and get some concrete proof one way or the other, it will haunt you in the long run. I do not know too many people that can just rug sweep it and be OK down the road. Read the healing library on the left side of the screen. The articles are amazing and might help you gain some insight. Please also go for STD testing and do so quietly. You could also demand that he does the same. Watch his actions, not his words.

Deena, thank you. If I dig and dig and find nothing, how will I ever know if I have enough proof that it’s untrue? :( You’re right that I’ll always have it in my mind. I must’ve taken the letter out and read it two dozen times yesterday. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster between feeling overwhelming loving feelings towards him and also completely devastated picturing him with some mystery woman.

If I dig and dig and find nothing, how will I ever know if I have enough proof that it’s untrue?

One step at a time. Dig.

Let’s say for the sake of discussion that I am okay with him having had an affair, as long as it’s over and we are together - is it okay to allow this terrible experience to bring us closer together as we both realize we really do love and not want to lose each other?

More likely that it will happen again in the future. Cheaters have issues that are usually only resolved with proper counseling. My WS had some counseling, but it was insufficient. On some level, I knew it. I was dealing with my own issues and was suppressing dealing with his until I got another D-day 17 years later. Now I'm 59 and my circumstances are different. My options are a little different. Don't be me. Get to the bottom of it. And then read all the info here about how a former cheater becomes a reformed cheater because there is *real* work involved. You can't bypass it. You just can't. In the meantime, get some IC for yourself. It will hopefully clarify things for you and provide some support. Good luck!

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 9:37 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

I am married to a serial cheater who, for the first time in our marriage, is struggling to recover.

My CH has a history of emotional As, trying to get attention and validation from women who aren't me. This is his brokenness, and his problem to deal with. Don't worry about that. I want you to listen to my extensive experience.

When I would find out about his EAs, it was like a bomb went off. Then he was very loving, very considerate, and supportive; the sex was atomic (HB) and he swore it would never happen again. Until it did. Rinse repeat. And then it turned PA the most recent time. Once again, HB, declarations of love, MC, IC, save the marriage I love you blah blah. Meanwhile the A was underground. He was still in contact with AP and seeing her while we were in counseling and he was in IC.

This is a pattern with waywards. It seems they tell the AP they need to cool it a bit then resume once things settle down with some new precautions in place. And the way to get BS to settle down is to love-bomb and dickmatize the BS. I don't know if that what your H is doing or if he's sincere, but know that this is a known cheater tactic. It leads to rug sweeping, where you go back to sleep and assume all is well. Investigate quietly. That unsettled feeling is your body acknowledging that something is off.

Yes those feelings are hysterical bonding. It is some sort of survival /coping mechanism. Ughh, I feel for you.

The first advice I got from my sister who was divorced from a long term cheating 'very smart, savvy man', was to GET PROOF for your own sanity. HE WILL LIE VERY WELL. He WILL Deny it. DO NOT let him know you are looking for proof. It is a horrible anxiety inducing experience but in a way, you will amaze yourself with what you are capable of pulling off, keeping the idea in mind that you are protecting your future.

Keep in mind if he is cheating, he will be watching you for awhile so you need to be relaxed and as normal as possible. If he isn't cheating, you don't want to hurt your marriage anyway with doubting him to his face. I really hope this is the case----

I ended up hiring a PI because everything else would have seemed incomplete like you question. When I had my first inkling he may be cheating. I did this with the idea in mind I hoped to prove he was just drinking with friends and not cheating. It helped me not feel dishonest, because I hated that I was acting normal yet spying on him. Yet that is what what this forces temporarily in order to protect your heart and mind going forward.

BTW, I agree a caring person wouldn't have included the part about there being a spark etc. I was also thinking, if my ex (pre-cheater) received a letter like that accusing me when I was married, I would have been over the top engaged and trying to find out where it came from. Is he a bit soft on his reaction?

[This message edited by Anna123 at 11:07 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

My thoughts in no order of importance:

1. A BS could have sent this and not wanted to be involved. Honestly, this is something I think I would do now and I'm a BS, so it is possible...BUT

2. The "soulmate" language isn't BS speak - it's AP speak. This letter, if real (which is likely to be) came from the AP. The "cover" of the "friend" is so that the AP can lie to your WH about sending it herself - that is the only reason.

3. In order to get to the truth, digging is your only way...I agree 100% with this:

I would let him think you were ignoring that silly old letter, but research quietly in the background.

But, if you dig into the past, I would look for: cleared browser history when you know it was in use, and phone records, etc. If you can't find anything there, then do what I did - set a trap. I don't mean anything seriously sinister - just give your WS the space/opportunity to 100% believe he is alone and therefore free to contact the AP, and record him. The quarrantine is perfect to do that as he doesn't really have any excuses to leave that are very valid. I was super-low tech initially. I used the recorder on my own laptop that oftentimes set on the dining room table or coffee table - I simply turned it on, hit record audio, set the screen to sleep mode and minimized the record icon, made sure he knew I was gone and how long I would be gone, and left. I have find my friends on my phone, so it was easy for him to KNOW that I was gone. In your case you could tell him you were going to the store, and that you would call him right before you left to make sure he hadn't thought of anything he wanted, which gives him the added "security" of getting a heads-up about when you will be home. It only took me 1 time to catch him on the phone with the OW this way...hook line and sinker. If he is stressing about that letter he will be wanting to reach out to her - it will be driving him nuts - if you give him the perfect time to do it, he will likely take you up on it.

4. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but he hasn't chosen you. He's doing exactly what he has been doing - choosing you while you are there and choosing someone else while you are away. That is likely not going to continue IMO because the OW sent this letter trying to break up your marriage. Either he will end it with her and she will contact you all pissed off and angry or he will try to placate her more and take it further underground. What the letter says to me is that the AP is not interested in being on the sidelines anymore, however long it has been.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:21 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

easy test. Ask him “hey can I borrow your phone? Mine is dead”. If he doesn’t immediately hand it over - something is up.

Test of whether his phone may hold any clues. As I said previously he may have another phone you don’t know about. But it can be a clue as to whether this phone may have any clues.

I am sorry you have found yourself here.

You have been given great advice, pick what works for you and leave the rest.

Here’s my situation and advice. God speed!

I was a road warrior and my “gut” was screaming of infidelity. So much so that I would fly home o Friday’s and cry in a local church parking lot before putting in my happy mask.I considered hiring a PI when it became too much and I told myself “if I’m wrong and she finds out, my marriage is over, I’ll have broken her trust.” Had I listened and proceeded with a PI, it might have prevented the affair going physical and or several additional months of hell. Once I stamped that thought down, I confronted her a month before it went physical and was told I had nothing to worry about. She didn’t lie directly just a lie of omission. As I guessed the wrong neighbor. When the OBS finally reached out to tell me, my ww spun a lie of “I was trying to be a friend and he misunderstood the intentions, I don’t know why he’s telling his wife that”. Got six variations of a lie until I lied and said “she’s sending me transcripts of your sexting. She sang like a canary at that point.

This regardless of the sender or intent. There is something there and too this or you wouldn’t be here. Dig until you feel comfortable. That it’s a revenge tactic for unrequited love. It’s a guilty conscience, an affair etc.

Just don’t ignore it because you don’t want something to be true! It might be a supposedly harmless prank or not. But find out!

Let’s say for the sake of discussion that I am okay with him having had an affair, as long as it’s over and we are together - is it okay to allow this terrible experience to bring us closer together as we both realize we really do love and not want to lose each other?

That is rugsweeping and it does not work. If he cheated, which I highly suspect he has, and he is also confident that he can convince you to rugsweep what is going to stop him from doing it again? Are you really ok w/ him messing around again and again, and possibly giving you some incurable STD or Hepatitis?

There are a few absolute things you can do to find out the real truth.

1. Get full STD testing now. Do this anyway, even if you believe him even if you don't and you choose to rugsweep. Make sure you are healthy. That means a pap and bloodwork.

2. Ask him to take a polygraph. Ask 4 very simple straight forward questions. Have you ever had sexual relations with anyone outside our M? Have you ever confessed love for another since we have been M? Did you lie to me about having an A? and one of your choice.

3. Hire a PI and catch him. But you need to also figure out what you want now, and where your line in the sand is, what is too much to recover from. When would say you have had enough? What would you need from him to move forward if it is true?

As far as the 180 - it is there to gain some distance and perspective from the person who is gaslighting you should be a cheating spouse, an abusive parent, or even a friend that uses you. It gives you distance, which allows you gain perspective, it keeps the manipulator from being able to love bomb and confuse you.