SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Two weeks ago, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years had been seeing another women for 6 months. Apparently, he told her we were broken up, he had moved out of our home and he was living with his parents.

I had suspicions and every single time I tried to confront him or talk to him about it, he looked deep into my eyes and told me there was no way he would do such a thing and that he loved me.

I’ve got Instagram to thank for finally finding out the truth. It turns out his late nights where he fell asleep at a friends or, work he had to travel for, was all for her.

He admitted that he loves her. And I can’t describe the physical pain that comes from writing that.

She reached out to me and said she had no idea about me, she thought we were broken up and he’s lied to her for months. But now, through more social media stalking (I know this is not healthy, I know) I’ve reached the conclusion they are in fact together. Which makes me wonder if she lied to me about not knowing and they were in it together, or if she’s just stupid enough to take him back. I know I shouldn’t care either way but I have so many unanswered questions and this is haunting me.

I don’t want him back. I deserve more. But I’m broken. I never thought the person I fell in love with, cared for and supported would ever be capable of such betrayal and manipulation. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me, and I don’t know how to move on.

I vision them being together, being happy and getting married etc. It cuts like a knife. It was my life and it’s just gone.

(((aproppriatemarch)))

Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. We are a great group of folks, who will offer advice and help you through this.

I'm an old timer here and have a few thoughts for you as others will soon be along as well.

1. None of this is your fault. Do not doubt yourself about this. People who cheat do it because they are broken people. It has zero to do with the kind of girlfriend you are. So DO NOT blame yourself ever.

2. If he isn't out of your home, get him out. Bag his shit and put out for him to get. Change your locks, and remove him from your day to day life as quickly as you can. Continued contact with him or his AP (affair partner) will only confuse and hurt you.

3. Get STD tested - for everything. Regardless of if "they used protection" because STD's can be spread w/ protection and most cheaters lie, and live in some weirdass fairy tale land where STD's don't exist and rarely use protection.

4. If the AP has a spouse or boyfriend please let them know, they deserve the truth as much as you did.

5. Reach out to friends and family for support. Allow yourself time to grieve what you have lost. Which is more than most who have never been down this path don't realize. But also start moving towards a healthier happier new you. No need to date immediately, but think about what you want for your future.

6. Consider getting a therapist to help you over the initial hump of this. It hurts deeply and is traumatizing and should not be underestimated in the impact it can have. A quality therapist will help you navigate that and come out healthier and even improve your picker moving forward.

Keep reading and keep posting, check out the healing library upper left side of your screen. You are not alone, remember that.

As the saying goes, if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. She is either lying or stupid. Would you stay with him of the roles were reversed? Im sorry for your pain. It is truly the worst. Stay strong and use this site. It saved me. Again, so sorry you are going through this.

As usual tushnurse gives great advice.

I went to a counselor for help with the post-infidelity trauma, and the counseling was not only crucial for getting through it, but also a huge opportunity for me to build a better life for myself going forward.

Don't look back for one minute. Yeah, it sucks, but you know what, it's better for you to know what kind of a lying cheater he is now than after marriage, kids, home buying, etc.

Do not under any circumstances take him back. Move on.

I don’t want him back. I deserve more. But I’m broken. I never thought the person I fell in love with, cared for and supported would ever be capable of such betrayal and manipulation. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me, and I don’t know how to move on.

I vision them being together, being happy and getting married etc. It cuts like a knife. It was my life and it’s just gone.

appropriatemarch, I could have written this word for word five months ago. I felt that familiar stab in my heart reading your words. Your pain is so raw, and we all understand because we have been there.

I no longer feel that raw pain, except very occasionally, and I am only 5 months out. I won't say it's all rainbows, but very survivable. I can imagine a future without WH, and I have times of joy and laughter now that seemed impossible when I was where you are now. My pain diminished significantly as soon as I started taking action based on the suggestions I received on this forum.

It will be a tough first month, but you can do this. Stay with us, keep posting, keep reading.

Welcome to SI. I am sorry you needed to find us. There is a Healing Library over on the left.

You cannot over-post right now so don't worry about that.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post a response, I can't tell you how much your words and support mean x

he looked deep into my eyes and told me there was no way he would do such a thing

So now you know the truth. When you feel sad that he chose the OW, remember your words that I quoted.

Please do not believe that if he marries this other person that they are going to be “happily married“. I agree with the other posters who said most likely he will continue to cheat throughout his life if people are willing to except that behavior from him.

I hope you have a good support team around you. I also echo finding a good counselor to support you during this. It can make all the difference in the world for you.

Your life will get better. You need to move on past the pain (and you will).

Just remember the above quote and how he was willing to continue to lie to you. I’m sorry you have to face this and please know you deserve better.

It was eerie reading your post as it had a lot of similarities to mine. Thank goodness for social media and the stupid lying cheats who want to post EVERYTHING about their life, that’s how lies catch up to you and you get caught. The OW swore she didn’t know about me but the more she spoke it sounded like she knew, she was just in denial about me because she thought she could make my weak BF stay with her. She did win that battle for months. But like I said he was weak. He hated his life and she was a fantasy to him. His escape from the shit show of a life he created for himself. The wayward partner and AP are so used to living in a lie they don’t know reality from the truth. I’m four months out from DDay and it’s day by day. Some days are easier then others. A huge accomplishment is just getting out of bed. An even bigger accomplishment some days is taking a shower. Applaud yourself that picking yourself off the floor when you’re uncontrollably crying and having a flashback is a huge accomplishment. At least you know you have a heart and that your love and relationship meant something to you. Your loyalty and words have value even though theirs didn’t. My WP looked me in the eyes and said the exact same thing yours did. That he wanted a life with me and to marry me all the while he was screwing a whore he met on Instagram. He swears it’ll never happen again but he’s still a weak insecure man. The only thing different about him now is that he’s been caught in his lies. Definitely get into counseling. Feel all your feelings. Start journaling. When the confusion and pain will go away, I wish I knew. It’s a long journey but you’re not alone.

When you have moved past this you will think back and see how much of a favor this asshat has done for you.

Just feel lucky that you didn't exchange vows with him. I know it hurts now. But eventually you will find someone that truly shares your values.

Until then, think of this as one of the most brutal life lessons you will eventually overcome. Live and learn. We all understand what you are going through.

The hardest part for now will be trying to fully detach. The temptation to cyber stalk will be immense. Delete him (and OW) from all of your social media and contacts. Find a new hobby. Meditate. Read. Anything that focuses on your own healing and personal growth.

I suspect you are relatively young and have a full, cheater-free life ahead of you. Try and look forward to that.

Hugs.