SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Who, when and why should you tell others about the affair might be a little more complicated-especially if you’re a man.

There’s a double standard out there regarding affairs when it comes to the sort of sympathy, understanding and support you get from others-if you’re a man.

The general public is already very ill equipped to understand and process affair matters, especially so when a man is cheated on. When a man cheats he is automatically considered by the public to just be a dirty dog and sympathy and understanding goes relatively easy and simply to the female BS. When a woman cheats it gets much more complicated. People assume her needs were not met, the male BS must not have been tending his garden, not cutting it in bed, not giving her enough attention. The public seems to place the blame squarely on the guy. The public believes that men are horny bastards and cheat simply for more and different sex. BUT, when a woman cheats its more complicated and is usually because her BS was blowing it in some department and only out of desperation did she resort to infidelity.

It is for this reason I regret telling others. The judgments that prevail seem to be humiliating more so for me than they were for my Ex WW. She admits-only to me, that her cheating had absolutely nothing to do with me or the state of the marriage. But, I have no idea what she has told others to save face.

I received very little support from friends and family. They seemed disgusted with the both of us. They seemed to want to distance themselves from the stink and the disgrace of it all. They seemed embarrassed for me. We live in a small town and the gossip traveled fast and harsh-harshest towards me.

In a man’s world, it’s a disgrace to be cheated on. Gossiping men are harsh and assume all kinds of crazy shit. (Ie. sucked in bed, wife is a slut) Gossiping women assume you were not tending to your BS’s needs and probably deserved what you got.

From my experience, the public is not sophisticated or mature enough to be trusted with such intimate, private and complex information. I wish I didn’t tell anyone except my brother, and just quietly filed for D or quietly R’d.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:20 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I definitely have not told any of my male friends what my WW did. They would treat me like I had sprouted an extra head.

...the male BS must not have been tending his garden, not cutting it in bed, not giving her enough attention.

Not a man, but I think you're making a presumption which most likely doesn't reflect the reality of the situation. We have many betrayed husbands here. I don't believe the above of any of them. I see nothing in their postings which would indicate that they feel this way either. Any time I've seen a man IRL get cheated on, his male compatriots are very sympathetic, and the judgment goes on the cheating wife.

You didn't ask for advice, but maybe you might consider that there are other reasons why people might react with less than stellar support. Most people don't really understand how deep the hurt goes unless they've experienced infidelity for themselves. The feeling we get that others think we should "just get over it" is rather generic. I mean, think about it... do YOU think all those nasty things when you hear a guy got cheated on?

I don't give a flying fuck what other people think about me and my life experiences. I only care about what I think about myself and whether or not I meet the standards I set (usually I don't...). Maybe I'll care about what someone else thinks if their opinion of me affects my ability to advance in my career. Otherwise, it's pointless to worry about other people's opinions.

The sad fact is all people gossip. Men. Women. I got guy friends who you'd think run their own sewing circles they talk so much behind the back shit. If someone thinks I don't meet their "measure of a man", then maybe they're right. Maybe they're wrong. I've certainly self-assessed to be in both categories at different points in time. Plus, I know lots of men and women who are slogging through very unhappy marriages that are propped up by fake facebook happiness and a desire to not see their families torn asunder. I feel sorry for these people, living half a lie.

The only thing I did after DDay that makes me cringe to this day is sending my ex-shithead those loving "I'm sorry" letters trying to claw her narcissistic ass back to the coop. I'd do pretty much everything else the same--including blowing up my own spot with frantic calls to all my trusted friends and family and spilling it all--except send those dumb letters.

The general public is already very ill equipped to understand and process affair matters

This I agree with.

If you haven't experienced it, you really don't get it. I would count my pre-infidelity self in that. I can think of one instance in my friend circle where I literally *knew* that a woman had been unfaithful to her husband, and I still kinda sided with her based on conventional wisdom. You know, she was in an "unhappy, unhealthy, potentially abusive" marriage. Makes me cringe today. Hilariously, she was a good friend of exWW and a *huge* supporter of her affair just months later.

I've certainly learned that there are very few people you can really trust as supporters. I don't hold anything against anyone who really isn't. It's generally not their fault they don't get it.

In a man’s world, it’s a disgrace to be cheated on.

I call bullshit on the above! This is only true if you value yourself by other people’s measures. I never have, I never will.

Well of course it’s BS. It’s pretty harsh where I work. I still wish I didn’t let it become common knowledge.

I understand and I get that it’s tough to shift your thinking and feelings, but you really shouldn’t give two figs! Braggers, gossips are some of the most insecure people out there. Their self promotion and judgmental attitudes are really just a smoke-screen for their own shortcomings. Once you tune it to that you’ll notice it more and more to the point where you’ll ‘comfortably’ realise that their opinion means jack!

Oh hell, I wouldn't dream of telling the assholes at work that my wife cheated! I work at a industrial plant and have a white collar job, but work with blue collar guys often. I've seen firsthand what you're talking about. If you divorced, you're okay. If you stayed, then you're gonna hear the bullshit. The "need me to come satisfy your old lady tonight" and the "sorry to hear about your dick not working" ball busting. Some of it is just seeing if your a pussy or not by your reaction, I'm guessing you know what I mean. You have to have a thick skin.

Good news is it usually blows over after awhile. New gossip is always better than old gossip. Hang in there.

If it matters, at d day I told my sister and parents. My WW told her mother.

Most people just do not want to get involved and do not know what to say or do.

Men do tend to be at a disadvantage. Give it time.

RealtyBites, Im also a betrayed husband and can only speak from my experience but I would completely agree with your post.

A number of people in our circle of acquaintances/ friends know about my wife's affair and a lot of the feedback i received was along the lines of 'why did she need to cheat' and what wasnt i giving her. I found the women were definitely this way and could be even cruel about it.

All of my close Male friends know and have been very supportive. They know what kind of husband I was and I hold no shame. Why should I? I didn't cheat. Funny, my STBXWW reached out to one of our couple friends who know everything, and I mean everything. They replied with a curt response and then told me. They don't want anything to do with her. If people judge you it could be that they either have had no experience with infidelity or are cheaters themselves.

If people judge you it could be that they either have had no experience with infidelity or are cheaters themselves.

This ^^^^

I am not a guy, but I have found certain people, including one of my own daughters, need to distance themselves from your pain for their own comfort. This can manifest in various ways. Some guys may do this with those "joking" remarks that are really quite hurtful. Others may not want to discuss it at all; they will shut down any conversation that leads into affair/pain territory.

Does your family give you the "well, you're past that now..." crap when they want to change the subject?

Seems like many in society-and popularized in Hollywood and literature, that when a woman cheats it’s a desperate cry for help, a romantic escape into the arms of another from an abusive or neglectful husband who deserves what he gets. When a man cheats, he’s just a selfish POS.

Just because a wayward wife romanticizes her affair to the public, doesn't mean that's how people in general view it.

There is no doubt in my mind that folks who haven't experienced infidelity, completely understand it. However, I'd say in general, folks know cheating is wrong. It's only when they try to humanize the experience that they begin to make excuses in order to try and understand.

I come from a very small town. My ex from another small town down the road. When word first broke about her affair, people were sympathetic to my side. But I never said much. My ex and her mom began a PR campaign which shifted the blame. It sucked for a few years. I didn't fight back, wasn't interested in it, what was the point? Those who bought into her claims were going to anyways, and those who didn't were truly friends.

Years out now, even those who once vilified me are friendly and cordial. I've shown my character, she has shown hers. Most haven't seen her in years.

It's pretty rare that I ever hear of folks romanticizing affairs. When I do, it only seems to be with women in regard to a close friend. Outside of that, a cheating whore is a very common term. Just sayin'

People assume her needs were not met, the male BS must not have been tending his garden, not cutting it in bed, not giving her enough attention.

I must be hanging with a different group of people, as I have found that cheating wives are judged much more harshly that cheating husbands.

I wish I had gotten more sympathy when I got cheated on.

Crap I got from friends:

The OW was a Femme Fatale that my husband could not resist (unemployed smuck afterwards, thanks to moi, though).

"You had too many kids, and I can understand that he would escape all that by having a side life with no chores". The "escape" comment particularly pissed me off, not like he was coming home to a "ball and chain" scenario.

Also I "didn't look after my man well enough" (because of the kids. ) Ya bet. They were babies!

I don't wear make-up so "he would want to be with somebody who took more care of herself".

I don't think men have it more bad. The insults come from a different angle.

Meanwhile, after dday, some people thought it was a good idea to start inviting my husband out and go to Hookers because he was now "single". They were pretty much giving him a high five from having left his family behind.

I was ashamed after I found out about my XWW's cheating. So much that I didn't tell anyone at work. I only told close friends and family. I was afraid that I would not be respected any longer as a leader and as a man. In short, I would be embarrassed and disgraced.

“If a husband cheats on his wife, he's a pig. If a wife cheats on her husband, he must be a pig”

A lot of people still believe this. Growing up, I actually believed this because I never heard otherwise. I now believe that when wives cheated, a lot of husbands, out of fear of losing their reputation as a man, probably didn’t tell a lot of people and suffered in silence. A cheating wife is a direct assault to the very core of our masculinity.

“You weren’t taking care of business at home”

“You couldn’t keep her happy”

They might as well just say “Your d!ck wasn’t big enough.

XWW’s also do damage control very well. They will tell anyone that will listen that their husbands drove them to cheat somehow, justifying their choices. He was abusive, drinker, emotionally absent, didn’t love me, and even false claims of husbands cheating. It couldn’t possibly be the wife’s fault, she is a good person.

The truth is, It has nothing to do with the gender of the cheater, it’s the lack of character.

I would tell anyone that you feel comfortable telling but keep in mind, it will get around and they will form their own opinions.

[This message edited by Decimated at 1:13 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]

I saw a Dr. Phil episode a few years back, before dday. It was a WW for the 1st guest and a WH as the 2nd guest.

The primarily women in the crowd were nodding agreeably as the WW detailed all the reasons for her A’s.

When the WH came on and detailed his affairs (not much difference in their “why’s”), you could almost see the darts being thrown at him.

At the time, I laughed, and if I’m being honest, I too had more sympathy for the WW than the WH.

My thoughts on this are different now!

Dr. PHIL is a sexist asshole. He endorses female on Male domestic violence, as well. Guy is a dinosaur, like another male hating sexist, Willard Harley from that idiotic site, Marriagebuilders, the one where you are supposed to get your cheating spouse back with " PlanA".