SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One more thing. You need to be recording any and all interactions with her.

Get a Voice Activated Recorder (or 3) and keep it running whenever you are around her.

I would also recorder audio and video on my phone. Make screenshots of any threats and store them somewhere safe.

WHY?

False domestic violence charges. She seems like the type, her parents seem like the type.

Protect yourself to protect your child and your future.

Probably should be clear. I say wife because we have a kid together but we have not legally married and have been engaged for 4 years.

Wow. This thread continues to have twists and turns. I didn't see this the first time, because I was floored about your not-wife maybe possibly sleeping with her parent's friend and her parents enabling it. This changes things.

We were actually planning to file legally this month.

Do NOT DO THIS. You don't have a lot of power here, after revealing that bit. You're just two people who had a child together in the eyes of the law... so anything she says or does to you, you won't have the same protection as a spouse. For one thing, as a "technically single mom" she has more power and leverage about your child. Not good.

1) All the other stuff? STI/STD checks, drying out, DVRs, phone tracing, seeking a NC order? Yeah, that's still good advice. Likely she'll tell you to get stuffed on all of it, but you have to try.

2) STILL see a lawyer, but have him examine your rights in case of a dissolution of domestic partnership, not a divorce. Very likely she will initiate it anyway, so be prepared.

3) Do you both own domestic property? Likely not but you can't tell from the narrative. If you do in your name only, see a lawyer about how to protect your property in this specific situation. If it is jointly held, you will need to negotiate an agreement for sharing assets, which may entail selling the house. If it's entirely in her name, just.. move.

4) be very careful in your interaction with her from now on. I feel like she's setting you up for something. Don't be a chump here. DVR every conversation going forward, no matter how trivial.

Remember, she does not have your interests at heart and I strongly doubt she's going to have a change of heart at this point. Protect yourself, protect your child. Be the responsible adult.

Don’t sign anything pertaining to a union. WW is a functioning alcoholic. Get your son away from her parents as they are enabling her drinking and more. Alcohol is a depressant. She can’t go a day with out self medicating. This leads to the low marriage boundaries with her fellow COW. Most likely to enable the EA to support her drinking. Gather more info. Son not allowed in car when WW is driving. She could still be intoxicated from the night before. She has to hit rock bottom to help herself.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 9:47 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Even if it isn't a full blown EA/PA, infidelity is a very slippery slope. Just because you found out and she knows it does not mean she will stop. She simply cannot stop herself, much like her drinking.

An engagement should be seen as a test-drive for real marriage. She has failed.

Past behaviors predict future behaviors. Call off the engagement and get a custody/child support agreement in place. You need to stop ignoring the red flags. Don't expect any help from her family either.

Good luck.

When we first got together i’dn try to break up with her and she’d cut herself to make me stay.

You went on to have a child with this woman? Why would you do something like that?

I'm no expert but it sounds like she had serious mental issues as well as drinking problems. It concerns me that you seem to have no problem with your child being in the custody of this woman. If this were my son I'd be moving heaven and earth (not to mention hell) to get get full custody. I'd definitely be seeing a lawyer to see what I need to do.

Your son is out of state with her parents and her and you are not actually married? I don't know the ins and outs of the law here but I would be very worried if I were you. He may never come back. I think you need to talk to an attorney immediately. Get your rights straight. You might need to swallow some pride here for right now and appear to be much more accommodating than you might like until you get your son back into a jurisdiction that you can have some rights in. I think you will have a lot harder time getting him back from out of state if you start a fight right now.

As I said though talk to an attorney but by all means don't tell her you are doing so. Get your rights clear here and get your future with your son secure before you do anything else.

That incident happened years ago after she just got out of the hospital. See had a few episodes of acute psychosis in the hospital and wasn’t taking her regular meds at the time. She got better and the cutting hasn’t happened since. The throwing herself down the stairs is her “falling” when she is drunk butt was happening constantly for awhile. Things were getting better.

By the way I didn’t choose to have a child with her. She told me she was allergic to latex, physically unable to get pregnant because of ovarian cysts, and that she was on birth control.

By the way I didn’t choose to have a child with her. She told me she was allergic to latex, physically unable to get pregnant because of ovarian cysts, and that she was on birth control.

The issue here isn't how your child came into the world. Suffice to say you are a parent. The issue IS about being a responsible parent (because she's definitely not one) and getting out of infidelity one way or the other. Frankly, it's looking increasingly one way to me, but that is only one guy's opinion.

By the way I didn’t choose to have a child with her. She told me she was allergic to latex, physically unable to get pregnant because of ovarian cysts, and that she was on birth control.

Dude. You really need to look hard at yourself here. I have no doubt based upon what you have written that this relationship is over but you should really think here about why you have spent 4 years of your life with this woman.

Do the grandparents have custody of the child? You seem remarkably unconcerned about the welfare of your son.

By the way I didn’t choose to have a child with her. She told me she was allergic to latex, physically unable to get pregnant because of ovarian cysts, and that she was on birth control.

Geese, the old can’t get pregnant trick. My brother fell for that too.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:53 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

If you know she drives drunk, set her up to get caught. The police are very interested in drunk drivers if you call them. If you know where she is drinking call cops tell them what kind of car and they will often wait for her. They kill time by doing paperwork.

No. We dropped him off with his grandparents last week before this happened. Her Dad knows she’s fucking nuts but can’t diverge from her Mother who has always hated me for no reason. She flew down there because she said they told her he had strep. She is begging to come back and has to come back for work eventually. Just waiting until he is no longer sick so he can fly or I may drive down and get them. As I said, she is not interested in sole custody. I an perfectly willing to coparent with her as long as she goes to therapy. If I mention seeking sole custody she will go crazy, and then I the unmarried man also put myself in front of an incredibly biased court system and expose myself to the risk of losing custody. The best thing I can do is be supportive of her even if we aren’t together. My son loves his mother very much and she is fine 90% of the time. Without me in direct contact with her she will spiral out of control and I owe it to my son to try.

We were actually planning to file legally this month.

If you want to sink deeper into hell this is the way to doit.

RUN, don't walk away from this relationship. You can do anything you want to verify it 100% but you already know that this woman is cheating on you. If you so decide to spy on her and catch her she'll just blame it on the alcohol.

You don't need to get married to someone like this. It is not going to end well.

Your wife is blatantly cheating on you. You know it.

It is time to put fear aside and take charge of your own life.

You stated she has mental illness and is on/off meds to the point of hospitalization? That's a solid custody argument.

Find a lawyer, draw up D papers, have her formally served. Maybe she wakes up...likely she only goes farther after feeding you some manipulation.

Be a good man and a good father. Don't try to changer her or save her. She made her choices.

If I mention seeking sole custody she will go crazy, and then I the unmarried man also put myself in front of an incredibly biased court system and expose myself to the risk of losing custody.

This is fear talking. You don't know this because you haven't spoken to an attorney. Speak to one now. I can almost guarantee that if you are the biological father to this child and you have been living with the mother and participating in the raising of the child and you intend to support the child through child support you are not going to get completely shut out of the child's life. But as I said earlier I would be afraid that challenging this right now, when your son is out of state with her parents and she is there, might cost you a bunch more money and time before you see him again. Talk to an attorney but I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to even discuss custody arrangements until your son is back in the same house as you are. Then your attorney can help file an order that keeps her from taking him out of state again without your permission.

Are you on the birth certificate for this child and listed as the father?

That incident happened years ago after she just got out of the hospital. See had a few episodes of acute psychosis in the hospital and wasn’t taking her regular meds at the time. She got better and the cutting hasn’t happened since. The throwing herself down the stairs is her “falling” when she is drunk butt was happening constantly for awhile. Things were getting better.

Note for future TAY202020: People who have these kinds of problems do not need to be in your life. Let them "Get Better" with someone else.

Yes I am listed as the father on the birth certificate. We have the same last name. I honestly don’t even think a custody agreement is the beat route because I am going to be watching him full time, the house is in my name and she’ll move out and I’ll end up with him mostly anyway. Trust me she is addicted to work and hates being a stay at home mom. I’ve basically been the babysitter for years now anyway. I do not expect her to file for custody. Also weve been living off my credit cards for years. Finally got them all paid off but have very little money. She on the other hand recently inherited 100k and makes 10k a month without a college degree. Im unemployed and have been watching him since schools and daycares are closed and she was making more than me. Honestly not much will change. But point is I don’t have too much lawyer money and I need to find income asap to do this.

Also talked to my psychiatrist today. She literally was like I’m not sure i should even be saying this but you need to get the fuck out. She said gaslighting, manipulation and abuse and she will not change because she likely has BPD.

Also, Ive done a DNA test so I know he is mine.

Your wife is not fine 90% of the time to take care of your child. She has a history of mental health issues, and is an alcoholic to the point where she has been hospitalized. What happens when she starts drinking and then drives with YOUR child in her car?

I'm coming at you swinging a 2x4 because you have a very naive viewpoint on this. Oh we will just separate, and all will be good. Don't need a custody arrangement, don't need any enforceable boundaries. Dude she has your child in another state, with grandparents that don't like you. What do you think they are telling her? To let you have the kid? NO. They are probably convincing her that she needs sole custody, and they will help her out however she needs it. They are planning. Kids w/ strep are better w/in 24-48 hours of starting meds, not weeks. This whole thing stinks to high heaven.

Your boy deserves one parent that is healthy. Please at least consult w/ an attorney. Otherwise you are going to end up with a mess, and your boy will be raised by her parents.