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You know what is happening. Decide if you want to deal with it or not. What she is doing is not in doubt. Tell her you know everything and she came either come clean right this minute or continue living at her parents house

Told her I might take him and stay with mother a few days. You all are right. Relationship is unredeemable and has damaged me immensely. Going to give her the chance to get help so I don’t have to seek sole custody but I am done disrespecting myself. Thank you all

There is a book that helped me immensely and I think you should read the first chapter.

The Covert Passive Agressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza

You can get it right now on Amazon and download it to the kindle app on your phone.

If you can’t afford it, go on LibGen.is and you can download it to your iPhone (on Android you have to get ‘Lithium’ in the AppStore to read epub files).

Your partner is incredibly manipulative and dangerous.

To keep her on the road to sobriety she has to resign from work and distance herself from all of these drinking partners. They enabled her in both the drinking as well as the EA.

One day at a time.

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 5:05 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

You're not responsible for her relationship with your son. She is.

You as an adult and his father can give her the opportunity to repair that relationship but you are not responsible for that.

And as for her just stopping a manic episode, I won't say its impossible but very unlikely. I have Bipolar 1 and I have never been able to just stop a manic episode.

My H can pull me out of a panic attack but not a manic episode.

We have a friend who has sole custody of his daughter. Her mom decided that she 'didn't want to be a mom and wife anymore' her exact words to me. She left. Drugs, alcohol, you name it she did it. That little girl is now 10 and she hasn't seen her since she was 18 months old. Our friend has always left the door open for her to see their daughter but she has never made an effort. Even when I babysit her in the summer. she knows where she is and she knows that she can come see her at my house but never has.

One day this little girl said to me 'you're a really good mom. Why isn't my mom a good mom too?' I had no answer.

Ohhh and she has 2 more kids now. They are about 6&4 years old. She has custody of them, but still has not done anything for the 10 year old with her ex (our friend).

I typed out the story above as kinda proof that its possible to keep life going and still leave that door open for her to make the relationship between your wife and her son. It is the adults decision on whether or not they are in kids' lives. I will not force anyone to be in my kids' lives. Either they are there or they are not.

[This message edited by Walkingthewire at 2:29 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

You should go for sole custody. She is not a fit mother right now. What is best for the child is all you should care about. Being around a bi polar sufferer who is not succesfully medicated will be terrible for him.

She cannot stop a manic episode. Goes against definition. You do not know you are having it which drives the behavior. Everyone else might be off but you are fine. It is why so many people end up hospitalized. Bi polar is an awful insidious condition.

I was probably misleading about the “manic” thing. It was more she was so furious with me and doing the lying in circles thing then all of a sudden her personality flipped. She was remorseful and honest ect like after her therapy appointment. She IS diagnosed bipolar but I’m not sure if that’s exactly what it was. I think it is more related to BPD or her not wanting to go to rehab and acting out.

But her behavior with the staring at the wall in silence for hours and then suddenly screaming we shouldnt be together and we’re unhappy and following me yelling you are the unhappy one was strange.

One of the worst thing people with bi polar can do is use drugs and alcohol. She should be completely clean.

Going to give her the chance to get help so I don’t have to seek sole custody but I am done disrespecting myself.

Protect yourself and your kids

TAY202020

I have quite some experience in dealing with alcoholics and addicts. In fact, I have shared so much about AA and 12 steps here on SI that I have been asked if I am a recovering alcoholic myself (I’m not, I’m a very moderate drinker). I want to share my thoughts on addictions and then maybe offer some advice on your possible next steps:

Let’s begin with this statement: Alcoholism is a lethal disease. Untreated it will shorten the life of the alcoholic and/or eventually kill him. On the way to that death it will impact the life and the life of those around the alcoholic in a negative, burdening way.

Most of us know someone that is an active alcoholic. I had an old aunt who was slurring drunk every day by 5PM. Her marriage was long gone, her grown-up kids either avoided her or reluctantly tended to her needs, the grandkids didn’t want to be around her… She eventually succumbed to liver cancer, aided by the weak condition of her liver. That is your typical, run-of-the-mill daily untreated alcoholic. At some point they can’t hide it or in any way or form control their alcoholism.

I guess that 9 out of 10 that enter rehab are insistent that they won’t drink again. Yet probably 8 out of 10 need to reenter rehab at least once again. I venture that most alcoholics have 2-3 relapses and 2-3 rehabs. It takes time, commitment, courage, work and thought to decide to enter rehab and become sober. It only takes a few seconds to open a bottle and take a swig.

Each and every alcoholic has in them the ability for one last drink (and thereby one last drinking-binge), but they don’t necessarily have the ability for one last rehab. Often, it’s that realization that eventually makes an alcoholic stick to sobriety – the knowledge that the next binge might be permanent.

Addiction and alcoholism is a life-term. Maybe the best description I have heard is comparing it to an allergy. Once sober your wife has to stay away from alcohol and its side-products, just like someone with a peanut allergy needs to avoid peanuts. If your kid had a nut-allergy you would probably remove all nuts from your home. I strongly suggest you do that. Search the house high and low, find her secret stash – that quart hidden in the laundry basket – and empty it out. I suggest YOU abstain from alcohol for some time. It’s support for her for now – the hardest period of sobriety. If she does well then in 12-24 months she hopefully reaches a place where you and your possible (moderate) drinking doesn’t impact her.

Finally, on alcoholism: There is NOTHING stronger in an active alcoholic than the need to drink. Active is not the same as a drinking alcoholic. An active alcoholic is someone that hasn’t committed to sobriety and found the tools to be there. I have seen drunk parents drive their kids, that’s not something someone that places family first would do. I have seen parents chose the bar over picking their kids from school. I know of drunks that use their last cash to buy booze rather than food. There is NOTHING stronger than their need to drink.

As far as infidelity goes I have a theory that an alcoholic spouse sometimes enters an affair (EA or PA) simply to divert the focus of the betrayed spouse from the drinking to the infidelity. They are OK with the infidelity-drama if it allows them to drink. If it diverts the attention from the REAL issue IMHO.

I also think that reconciling while the addict/alcoholic is active isn’t possible.

I am a very loud advocate for action after d-day. I also like to think I’m an advocate for reasoned and thought out action with a goal in mind. That goal tends to be to get out of infidelity. IMHO there are only two good destinations that get you out of infidelity and they are divorce or reconciliation. In most cases it becomes relatively clear early on which destination is more likely, but for quite some time the paths to these destinations run relatively parallel.

One of the few times I’m OK with the BS having a holding-pattern is when dealing with an addict that claims to be in recovery. If you have a desire to reconcile and are willing to take the time to see if that’s possible then I’m fine with that. Only don’t expect that to happen at the same pace or time as her sobriety.

My recommendation would be the following:

YOU can’t make her sober or be sober for her. You can support her and there definitely are things you can do to do that. These include running a dry house like I mentioned. I know she can leave the house and go to a bar, but that takes time and for a recovering alcoholic the drive to the bar might be enough time for her to change her mind or destination.

Make only one demand regarding your relationship: During the initial steps you ask for honesty.

If she drinks – she tells you. If she hangs out with OM she tells you. Make it clear that learning about these things from her will lower your willingness to work things out, but that learning about these things from a third party or by discovery would destroy any belief you might have for this marriage.

Keep in mind that AA is a self-monitored volunteer-based organization. AA groups and sponsors are a wide and varied thing. Look for an active hard-core 12-step group that at the very least gender-assigns sponsors. You want your WW sponsor to be a female well into recovery.

Keep an eye on her progress, but it’s her journey to make.

In time – maybe when she has her 60-day sobriety – you two can start addressing the infidelity issues. Part of her 12 steps is the making amends. Part of that might be that to make amends she be truthful to you about the past, enabling you both to move on.

Take care of yourself. Consider Al Anon. Definitely research your rights and how to enhance them if this ends in divorce. As I have already stated most alcoholics need more than one run at rehab, but how and when the relapse comes can vary. Some go all the way back into binging, for some they go back before succumbing to the urge.

You are in for a very long journey.

Heads up on bipolar people who drink. My dad was one, fyi.

Anyways, expect a call from her just raging angry as she goes through withdrawal. She probably uses alcohol to numb the down swings and the paranoia that no one understands them. It is a fun disease where the people who have it hate the medications because they feel the meds make them "Feel less like themselves".

Maybe record her on the VAR and the camera. Wait for her to get into her healthy cycle for her mood swing then show her it in a calm and healthy place. Talk to her about how she was acting and why. It helped my dad, but he also was getting older at the time and hit rock bottom. The other 2 things he did that seemed to help, he actually started regularly smoking weed (He lives in Colorado), which made him more lazy and less likely to get screaming angry. He also cut out sugar and caffeine, plus added in working out/meditation to help cope with his demons.

If you want your wife to make it through rehab, she will need to replace that with something else. I would suggestion yoga or meditation. It might help her get her crap together daily.

Good luck and I am glad you see that she needs to get straightened out before you can be with her in a relationship.

Know you will get a 3-4am crying call/apology and then a few f bombs for not answering.

She’s still pissed at me for something everyday and trying to start fights so she can get an excuse to leave but trying to keep my cool. Ive been breathalyzing her everytime she leaves and comes back. At her new psychotherapist now. Hoping this constant hate from her is just withdrawals. Her Mom (knocked her front teeth out after falling drunk last year) told her that she is quitting drinking for two weeks out of “solidarity” with her and now she is asking me to do the same. I agreed to keep all alcohol out of the house but think its unreasonable to ask after what she put me through, I think she’s just doing the him vs mom thing again and I don’t want to enable anymore codependency by agreeing to everything she demands when I’ve done so much already. Not to mention she quit drinking fine during pregnancy when I was drinking way more than now (kind of a last hurrah I have a constant DD thing). Am I being unreasonable? I just feel like this is another way to put her problems on me.

It helps an alcoholic to not have alcohol in the house. For you to not drink on your own time, when she isn't present is maybe a little much to ask.

Support is support. If she needs the grog out of the home, how can it hurt? People who try Recovery needs support. Look at it this way, the money you save can be spent in you.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:16 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

If your goal is to help her to sobriety and health and/or If your goal is to create conditions that might be conductive to reconciliation, then sacrificing booze for a couple of months shouldn’t be an issue.

If abstaining from alcohol for a couple of months is an issue and if booze is your go-to relaxant, then maybe she isn’t the only one with a substance abuse issue…

I’m not against social drinking or even using a beer or a good Scotch to relax, but it has to be in moderation. If I’m stressed out then a good jog, long walk, mowing the garden, fishing, tying flies, a session at the driving range, yoga, a work-out, time with kids… are ALL better and preferred methods to unwind.

Not only what Bigger said, but for your own good and your own well being don't drink for now.

She has already shown she turns things around on you, and that she can be vindicitive. How you think it's going to look when you file, and say she is unsafe, d/t her drinking and she offers proof that you couldn't stop drinking when she did.

Additionally alcohol is a depressant. You have enough going on now. If you think it helps you sleep you are wrong. If you are struggling w/ sleep - then talk to your Dr. There are medications to help w/ that that won't make you depressed, that won't make you look like you may have an issue.

Get the alcohol out of the house.

I’m only on page four, but

Your son’s mother is a danger to him. She has SERIOUS addiction issues. My son went thru this with his girls’ mother. I realize you own your house and shouldn’t leave, but my son took the kids and came to our house, then went straight to the courthouse and filed emergency custody. This was the BEST decision he made. HavIng them physically with him put him in a place of acting in their best interest. If he hadn’t, it would have taken much more legal action to get them away from her. It’s been over three years, she had supervised visitation for the first year, but now hasn’t seen or contacted them in over 18 months.

Someone needs to be your son’s advocate and that someone needs to be you.

After therapy appointment she told me she doesn’t care if I drink. Still keeping it locked up/ hidden ect. I an a moderate drinker. Have been since my son was born but I enjoy craft beers and bourbons on occasion. Never drink and drive and I never have an issue stopping and drinking club soda if I feel

I’ve had too much. My main issue was I didn’t want to continue to enable her codependency. I could give a crap about not drinking for a couple months which I likely won’t anyway but what she was asking for felt superficial.

I also have a stomach condition that makes it difficult

for me to drink in excess and there are only a couple

of types of beer I can even drink. Haven’t been to a bar in years. Lost 80lbs in the past couple years and I think it is primarily due to not drinking so much beer.