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She should quit that job immediately if you can afford it, otherwise she needs to start looking for another one, NC FOREVER is paramount.

Swears on our sons life that shes only lied about the drinking and has not ever cheated on me anymore than drunken messages I’ve seen.

Listen, DO NOT take her word at face value just because she swore on your son's life, we've seen this happen countless times here and other forums, like others say, demand a polygraph, talk is cheap and words don't mean much, especially coming from a proven cheater and liar.

I’ll do this and I’ll do that. I promise you the moon and back !!!!!

Swear on our sons life!!!!!!!

Words mean about as much as a fart in the wind.

Get to an attorney and get your ducks lined up.

This is really a “you’re wife is a drunk” problem more than an adultery problem. I come from a long line of drunks, I routinely came out to see my mom passed out. It leaves an Impact. Your evidence of an affair is rather sketchy, being limited to in appropriate texting at worst. You have abundant evidence of a woman with a horrendous substance abuse problem, and that should be more worrying to you if you ever want to trust her with your son again.

Get the VAR yesterday. She’ll be turning on you really soon. Protect yourself.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:58 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Please don’t say she will never drink alcohol again. That is a call No person in recovery can easily say. She will need support, monitoring and guidance. One day at a time is a call most make. She may go well, she may fall, but get back up again. She could even just say that will not drink today. Then the next day say the same.

One day at a time

Buffer

You absolutely have to get a Voice Activated Recorder and carry it on you at all times. Hell I'd get one of those body cameras that the police have. She threw herself down some stairs and claimed you pushed her? She will set you up on a false DV charge. The police will show up and you will have to leave the house. Protect yourself here.

You still need to do this because she is a threat to you staying out of jail. All she has to do is "fall down the stairs" again...and then call the police. W/O a VAR, you're not in jail @ her sufferance. As someone else above said, POLYGRAPH HER ASAP! That way you can be a little more sure that she wasn't in fact fucking around as well. Having an alcoholic in the house is tough enough w/o having to deal with an sexual affair. That's for YOUR peace of mind.

If it was all texting that crossed a line, why all the secrecy? Why did she leave to a hotel instead of reassure you about it? And whose house was she going to after the bars were closed when she was coming home early in the morning?

Tay, I know you want to trust her. I know you want to think she has hit rock bottom. Maybe she has but maybe she hasn't. Don't jump to trusting her just yet. Run the recovery software and ask her to take a polygraph test. See if she goes to AA and sticks with it. See if she sticks with therapy. See if she takes responsibility or she blames you for this. If she is working in a heavy drinking environment, she needs a new job otherwise she will relapse in no time. If she isn't telling the truth about OM, she needs a new job where she never sees or talks to him. It sounds like she's trying to keep her job but is that such a good idea when the job contributed to where you are right now?

This is really a “you’re wife is a drunk” problem more than an adultery problem. I come from a long line of drunks, I routinely came out to see my mom passed out. It leaves an Impact. Your evidence of an affair is rather sketchy, being limited to in appropriate texting at worst. You have abundant evidence of a woman with a horrendous substance abuse problem, and that should be more worrying to you if you ever want to trust her with your son again.

I do agree with KingofNothing. While my mother wasn't an alcoholic, my WW is(9 yrs sober), and as shitty as everything else is, your girlfriend is not going to be able to help you, your son, or herself until she addresses her drinking problem. Maybe more incriminating evidence will occur in the future.....I hope not.....but there is the real possibility that what she just told you is the truth. Her next actions will tell you if she is serious or not.

FYI tried to clarify that she came home late. Not the next morning. Problem is I had work at 4am and she would be bullshitting me about how much she was drinking and my son and I would be begging her to come home. How do I even go about getting a polygraph? She has a lot of flexibility in her job and before covid theyd be drinking at the brewery and “working” all the time. She is in sales. They have a warehouse area where they keep beer and she claims the owners dont care. She works in weed industry and is making 6 figures without a degree in sales so it is a very unique opportunity for her and I highly doubt she’ll find something close to that money that gives her flexibility to work at home. By the way her mother went from apologizing to me the other night and us reconciling to cussing me out and calling me a jobless bum the next day. My fiance has blamed me for it all day and keeps trying to act like I ruined mothers day. Did the whole manipulative, gaslighting shit she does and we went in circles all morning with her trying to find something to blame me for. Got the breathlyzer today. But yah her and other dudes are different departments and her interactions with him will be very limited if she is working from home mostly. Hoping it’s just the drinking but she isn’t today and her family is treating me awful and trying to deflect her anger towards me. I have a masters degree and have been financially supporting us until 2-3

months ago after 7 years of her draining me.

Talk to lawyer. Learn your rights. Document her behavior. If you gain child guardianship, she will have to pay you CS(child support). At 6 figures, it will help you out quite a bit.

You need to have your childs best interest at hand right now. And having a drunk mother is not one of them. Take your feelings for her out of this and start treating this like a business transaction.

Your GF needs to grow up and start living right if she wants to be there for her child as he grows up.

After I experienced some tragedy in my family, I drank. Quite a bit. Given my upbringing and genetics, it was a risky thing to do-- but I was selfish. I had a very trustworthy friend (and old boss) approach me in confidence (he's in recovery himself) and say " There's two sure-fire ways of not being an alcoholic, and neither one of them is very palatable, but either one is inevitable". I saw the error of my ways, kicked the habit, and realized I didn't have the luxury of self pity. People relied on me. So I got my head out of my ass and learned how to stop drinking. Decades later, I still drink nothing more than a very rare beer, and I don't miss it.

Whats the point of this little blast from the past? Your wife also doesn't have the luxury of self pity. She has someone that relies on her. Constantly. You do too. You are both not 20 year old college kids any more, so you need to stop living like it. When you wake up in the morning, there will be a little person looking to you to make the decisions and the choices, big or small, that happen in his daily life. Someone has to be the grown up now-- surprise, guess who?

Your wife needs intervention, which she likely isn't going to get with those parents. Sorry to say, her alcoholism is an affliction you can't fix. She has to want to change, and she isn't really there yet. Keep visits supervised, keep up the monitoring and don't hesitate to turn her in if she knowingly gets in a car inebriated. That could be your son in the car seat in the back.

Wait - I thought you were done.

Now that she has promised the earth, moon and stars you are willing to try R?

Even w/ her abusing you?

Even w/ her allowing her parents to be rude to you?

What in the world are you doing? I know you are lost and confused, and she is doing the Dr Jeckyl and Hyde thing, but she tried to blame you for throwing her down a flight of stairs. When the desire to drink becomes too much, and it will, probably in the next 24 hours, you are going to have that same situation. You need to file a restraining order, you need to apply for supervised visits only for your son, and you need to do it TODAY!!!

She has done everything we have predicted she did. She hasn't hit bottom. She hit oh shit he is pissed, better stop for a few days so he calms down. Huge difference.

KingofNothing- sorry cant figure out how to reply directly. Thank you so much for your recent post. I showed it to her and her manic episode ended immediately. She calmed down and realized I’m really the only one trying to help her.

For the record- I am not committed to staying in this relationship. I’m committed to getting her sober and I think her best shot at that is in a house with her son so there aren’t too many things she is dealing with.

I recognize how awful she has been to me. Trust me. She is still gaslighting and trying to manipulate me but I owe it to my son to give it my best to get her sober. Not to salvage our relationship but to salvage theirs.

KingofNothing

Your wife needs intervention, which she likely isn't going to get with those parents. Sorry to say, her alcoholism is an affliction you can't fix. She has to want to change, and she isn't really there yet.

Your summary, especially the one above, is right on topic and is the absolute truth. Coming from a family of alcoholics I can verify that your statements are spot on.

Gongrats on your personal success.

She is still gaslighting and trying to manipulate me but I owe it to my son to give it my best to get her sober. Not to salvage our relationship but to salvage theirs.

Oh Buddy - you need some serious Al-anon. You can't make her do anything, and it is only her that can get sober, you enabling her abuse of you won't make it happen.

You giving her a safe environment where there is no booze isn't going to make it happen.

Her losing her home, her family, her kid, that may not even be enough for it to happen. What you need to be doing right now is protecting your son, and yourself.

I hope you will soon see how dangerous and hurtful she is. Before she ends up filing false DV charges on you or your child is injured as a result of her behavior.

Wow. That was an emotional rollercoaster for me just reading.

Her behavior is not going to change. You owe it to yourself and your son to get an exit strategy together. You seem educated especially with a masters degree. BUT she's not going to change. And by the way her mother and father treat you should take note. She is gaslighting you. You say that she has drained you for 7 years. Why continue with that. I'm a firm believer in saving a relationship and can and should be saved. But you should never stay together for the kids. My parents tried that and our family Imploded.

Did you get a VAR and video cam? They all say "I swear on my kids lives". Mine did even though I had proof. So let's say she gets sober but the gaslighting and manipulation continues? You don't owe your son anything to get her sober, that's on her. She can make promises but ultimately it's up to her, not you.

With the throwing herself down the stairs and now promises of I'll be better, trust me. You need a VAR and cam. You don't think she'll try that again, especially if she wants a drink? You can't save her only she can. I agree, Al anon would be good for you.

I showed it to her and her manic episode ended immediately. She calmed down and realized I’m really the only one trying to help her.

Tay,

She can end a manic episode at will? That's a new one. Really, I've never heard of that. EVER.

Bro, she is working you HARD. She is a master manipulator and you are eating it up. Domestic violence charges only need for her to claim them (practically just say it out loud, and on record) and they can pretty much stick. Get a VAR immediately. Protect you and your son and file. You owe her nothing. SHE OWES IT TO HER SON TO CHANGE. That is not your responsibility. You are two separate people that each owe a measure of responsibility to your son. Stop carrying her load.

The only possible way she can change is if she hits rock bottom. And that will never happen if you are always there to give her a soft spot to land. You and your son need to be as far away from the blast zone when it happens.

She needs to pick up the pieces of her broken life on her own.

She starts psychotherapy/ rehab tomorrow and has agreed to polygraph. Has been nice the rest of the day. I don’t think I’m going to stay with her. Just trying to come up with best approach to make sure she might get healthy and I retain custody of my son or can trust her with him. I don’t have much of a support system. Will get VAR and cameras in the house tomorrow and talk to a lawyer.