SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am nearly one year out from DDay1. In this last year I have finally gotten to all of the truths that are available to me to prove. I have been married for 26 years to this man that has, for at least 20 of them, found some sort of sexual contact outside of our marriage; porn, strip clubs, conversations about sex with strangers, internet “women”, friends, strippers, and clients, ONS, multiple long term PAs, and prostitutes. He never wanted to leave me, loves only me, blah, blah, blah. I am stuck on the concept of him telling me that he is not that person anymore and he understands what it all really means now and is ready to be the husband I deserve/want. Has anyone reconciled under these circumstances? It seems impossible to me.

[This message edited by Noloveagain at 10:12 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

My wife and I have been together for fifteen years and married twelve of those. Six months into the relationship she cheated for the first time. It was off and on until May 2018 when our marriage had hit rock bottom. I'm not sure I'd call us reconciled, but we are on our way there. We really had no way to go but up, or divorce. It's a one step forward, one step back journey.

Has he. been evaluated by a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist)? Online pornography can lead to sexual acting out in order to increase sexual stimulation. It can be very addicting. Please note the whether there is an addiction component or not, you must set boundaries and enforce them. It is rare for a serial cheater to change their ways, and it is ONLY if they buy into long term counseling and work to be a safe partner on a CONSISTENT basis. Whatever is broken in him that allows him to engage in multiple sexual encounters has created a pattern of behavior that will be really hard to break. Is he in counseling? PLEASE interview the counselor to ensure that they have experience with serial cheaters. There are good counselors, who can really help and then there are the bad ones.....

Please make sure you have been tested for STDs. This man is endangering your life with this behavior.

My WH has cheated our entire M and sounds a lot like yours. We are still together and it is sucking the life out of me.

I’m constantly wondering if he is or will cheat again. My WH never engaged with prostitutes, but is very much addicted to porn. He stopped IC for financial reasons, but always lied to the counselor so it was pointless anyway.

I really don’t have much hope in him ever changing. I think it’s possible for anyone to change, but unlikely for a serial cheater.

Some serial cheaters have stopped cheating. Some members of SI who were serial cheaters have R'ed.

The critical factor is the WS's commitment to doing the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner.

IMO, a WS needs a lot of guidance from a good therapist to make the necessary changes. I wouldn't put a lot of faith in someone who won't do IC. If a person isn't willing to look inside and figure out what s/he/they needs to change, I just don't think that person is likely to change.

The one possible exception is if the cheating occurs when a person is pretty young, 18-20. Our brains aren't fully mature at that point, and I can believe a kid who cheated could make the necessary changes without therapy ... but I'd go no further than trust but verify.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:17 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

If he wants to change he will. If it has to be his idea. His commitment.

Unfortunately the cheater is a liar so sometimes you cannot be positive if they mean what they say. Actions however can tell you the truth better than words.

Does not mean b/c HE wants to R that you have to. It is your decision too.

I’m in almost exactly the same boat. We were together almost 26 years. Looks like cheating happened for all of them. It took 15 months to realize this (investigate) and I have stopped looking now. I have had enough. A few months post dday he did some online stuff and I just busted him for that and chucked him. I was losing my mind.

I would love to hear that things work out for you. I hope you keep posting and I wish you the very best. I have been through your particular hell and I ran out of sanity. Now I’m sad but I don’t feel desperate, anxious and crazy all the time. I wish him well but I don’t wish him on me anymore.

We are happily reconciled after 10 years of on and off serial cheating and massages. D-day was Dec 2017 plus 6 more months of TT. In a way, we are happier and more aware than before D-day, but my antenna may always be up. I will never see him the same way again. I will never feel that sense of safety in his arms again.

I am a different person now too, and I like this stronger, more realistic me better. I feel safer in my own arms.

We had IC and MC. His IC (two therapists) were ineffective and damaging. One IC told him not to tell me the truth to save the marriage! Our MCs bought us time, but were not so helpful because he wasn’t being honest with any of us. What was most helpful was/is a men’s group that he attends which builds men up no matter what their wounds are. It’s got elements of AA and tribal bonding. Other men who had been BS confront him about infidelity at meetings, among other issues.

What I am trying to say is that serial cheaters can change. For one, they know these APs weren’t special, and there is no denying that the problem is in them. The question I still wonder is whether I can really forgive a serial cheater. That’s another question that maybe someone else further along can help with.

I know I am still healing and actively doing things to try to recover. Will these memories ever be just a blip when it’s half of my marriage? I think I accepted that this happened and we would not be where we are today without the hard earned lessons from it. The infidelity is accepted as part of our marriage yes, but will there always be some emotional reaction associated with it years later?

He never wanted to leave me, loves only me, blah, blah, blah. I am stuck on the concept of him telling me that he is not that person anymore and he understands what it all really means now and is ready to be the husband I deserve/want.

Be very careful here. I heard those exact words from my husband after DDay. I'm convinced now, based on things he has said and other pieces of the puzzle I've been able to put together, that our 2-year attempt at R was completely false (ex. he slipped recently and claimed fidelity from a different start in time than when he initially told me 4 years ago. I also recently remembered that during R I found hidden money, $700 cash, in an altoid box in his car.) He told me he won it in a football pool at work. But he hadn't been to his job in 8 months. That was also the exact same excuse he used several years before when I found hidden money and Viagra in a shirt pocket in his closet. He had an explanation for everything, even the Viagra. "My muscle relaxers make it difficult to get hard, and I was embarrassed to tell you..."

Your husband sounds like he has the exact same patterns as mine. Mine all of those things as well. He was very quick to say that "we needed this (nuclear bomb D-Day)" and "I know what I have to lose now." Blah blah blah. This is panic and damage control. I do not doubt that he loves you. I do not doubt that he had never had any intention of leaving you. You are the stable good solid wife that makes him look good. You are in one box. His sexual lifestyle is in a different box. in his mind, one has nothing to do with the other, and what you don't know will not hurt you.

I rarely ever poke my head in this forum, for obvious reasons. But I did try R with all of my heart and soul for 2 years. With someone like my husband, and quite possibly yours, true R is not possible. Go forward slowly and cautiously. Pay attention to everything, especially your gut.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:16 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

We are happily reconciled after 10 years of on and off serial cheating and massages. D-day was Dec 2017 plus 6 more months of TT. In a way, we are happier and more aware than before D-day, but my antenna may always be up. I will never see him the same way again. I will never feel that sense of safety in his arms again.

I am a different person now too, and I like this stronger, more realistic me better. I feel safer in my own arms.

We had IC and MC. His IC (two therapists) were ineffective and damaging. One IC told him not to tell me the truth to save the marriage! Our MCs bought us time, but were not so helpful because he wasn’t being honest with any of us. What was most helpful was/is a men’s group that he attends which builds men up no matter what their wounds are. It’s got elements of AA and tribal bonding. Other men who had been BS confront him about infidelity at meetings, among other issues.

What I am trying to say is that serial cheaters can change. For one, they know these APs weren’t special, and there is no denying that the problem is in them. The question I still wonder is whether I can really forgive a serial cheater. That’s another question that maybe someone else further along can help with.

I know I am still healing and actively doing things to try to recover. Will these memories ever be just a blip when it’s half of my marriage? I think I accepted that this happened and we would not be where we are today without the hard earned lessons from it. The infidelity is accepted as part of our marriage yes, but will there always be some painful emotional reaction associated with it years later?

I think you have to consider what kind of person lies to and cheats on you for two decades. Really take in how very messed up that kind of person is. The lack of respect for you as a separate human being. The lack of empathy for you and the extraordinary selfishness and sense of entitlement he possessed. Think about what that says about this man.

Once you have wrapped your head around that level of sickness, then think of what it would take for someone like this to become a good person. That is darned near a full brain overhaul. This isn't like changing a habit. This is asking someone to change who they intrinsically are.

Say this guy makes that herculean effort that almost no one ever succeeds at. Where does that leave you? You know beyond doubt that this man is a very talented liar and manipulator. How do you believe in this change? Maybe you wait for years to see if it's real and not just an act to prevent losing you like window-dressing on a diseased soul.

There is no quick R with a serial cheater. You're signing up for a lot of years for a person to change their character. Then you have the years it would take for you to believe in that change. After that, is the change really reward enough to make all of this worthwhile for you? Can you love this man enough to make staying worthwhile? Are you going to be left with "really, so I stayed and the reward is that he's finally a decent human being like he was always supposed to be?". Do you wait years for someone to acheive basic human decency?

On the other hand, the good news is that we have the capacity to fall out of love. You can leave, this love will fade, and you will heal much more quickly. Your body and mind will not suffer so badly. In 2 years time you will have moved on dramatically.

Or, you could still be there waiting to see if this guy is really changing for real so that you can begin to deal with whether or not you want to still be married to him. Or you could be suffering through another DDay or 3. You could be marriage policing because this is the kind of guy who sees cheating as something no more difficult than pulling into a drive-thru at McDonalds. All it takes is a google search, a phone call or text, and he has purchased sex once again. Nothing to it.

I do say all this with love. I left a serial cheater/sex addict/whatever, and my life only involves infidelity when I reach out to others who have been through it. I'm happy and my home is a place of peace and love. That is what I want for all of us, R or D. I think it's a lot easier to achieve that with divorce when you're talking about the kind of guy I also was married to.

How can we be happily reconciled if we do not trust or feel safe in our spouses arms? I mean no disrespect to anyone’s choices, we are all doing the best we can in the given circumstances, but I don’t know if it’s possible for me to live like that. Is that the best I can hope for?

Devestateddee,

Unfortunately, I agree with you 100 percent. This is where my brain is right now. But I’m open to stories of other outcomes.

[This message edited by Noloveagain at 12:12 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Unfortunately, I agree with you 100 percent. This is where my brain is right now.

I don't think it's unfortunate at all. I think it's unfortunate that you have gone through this incredible pain, but you wanting to take care of and love yourself is not unfortunate. I know the pain and I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:13 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

I always appreciate the frank responses here. I think if your spouse changes for the better, you can feel it in all aspects of life, from his outlook to the friends he chooses, and how he treats you and the family. For me, his neediness is gone.

As for the comment about not feeling safe in his arms, it’s true. That is a lost. At this point, I won’t feel safe in anyone’s arms, not even if he is a pastor or a woman. I now see that anyone is capable of cheating. I think under the right circumstances, even my best girlfriend may flirt with my H. Whether I divorce or not, that blind faith is gone. It was a romantic feeling, but I now think that blind trust shouldn’t have been there to begin with. I am sure he doesn’t feel safe in my arms either because he knows I can leave anytime I want now.

I think there are cheaters who cheat in all aspects of life, and that is their default personality, and there are those who compartmentalized. Each carries its own can of worms. I got the compartmentalized variety. Your situation sounds different.

There are so many single people out there. Divorce is not as scary as I once thought. If the question is can serial cheaters recover? I think yes. If the question is do we want to hang around and wait for them to recover? That depends on their make up, ability for insight, courage, respect for themselves, their principles, willingness to put in the work. That’s the case whether they cheated once or three times. Broken is broken, and broken will remain broken until he does something to fix it.

I don’t think my H is a model former cheater, by any stretch of the imagination. I see couples on this forum working much harder, attending workshops, years of therapy. It worries me that we may not be doing enough or are rug sweeping. Then again, I learned in the past 2.5 years how much I can emotionally process and absorb. I feel that I sacrificed precious quality time with my teenagers and my career because of infidelity. One way or another I chose life, not purgatory.

When I look at the present and future with H, I am happy. There is no one else I would want to go through this pandemic with. When I see photos of the past or read my journal entries from the affair periods, I still feel robbed. Anyone feels the same way?

Anyway, in 2 plus years if you haven’t seen enough progress, then maybe it’s time move on.

1000% what Dee said. Every word.

How can we be happily reconciled if we do not trust or feel safe in our spouses arms?

The SI rule of thumb is that R takes 2-5 years, but we also know that some Rs take longer. Your thoughts and feelings about your H and your M will almost definitely be different a year from now, no matter what you do, and your thoughts and feelings will continue to evolve. Not feeling safe now makes sense. No one can predict how you'll feel in the future.

Gently, what responses do you want?

You asked if anyone R'ed with a serial cheater. The answer is, 'Yes. Some serial cheaters have R'ed.'

But no matter how good a candidate for R a WS may be, the BS is under no obligation at all to choose R.

My guess is that you've posted because you - or part of you - wants R. If that's the case, what other people have done isn't all that relevant to you.

What really counts is:

What do you want?

If you want R, will your H do the work necessary to R?

You have a free choice here - you can hold your head high whether you D or R, so you can win either way.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:21 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

Please don’t analyze my questions or responses. It makes me feel like i have asked the wrong question or that you think I have some hidden agenda for asking. I want truthful responses from people in a similar situation. I want different opinions and what their outcome was. I know my brain and emotions are all over the road. I feel differently from one hour to the next. I want something different from one hour to the next. I’m not here to have someone tell me what to do. I know it’s up to me. I want a dialogue with others who understand.

If that's the case, what other people have done isn't all that relevant to you.

I think you're wise as heck, sisoon, but I gotta disagree on that. That's most of what this place is about, sharing experiences. Helping one another through. Sure, what worked for one might not work for another, but we share what worked best for us, be it triggers or looking out for our health or the decision to R or D given similar circumstances. You've certainly helped me through the years by sharing your thoughts and I appreciate that greatly.

Best thing,

Thank you for your honest response. It must be difficult to discuss these issues. I very much appreciate it. I’m 50 years old. How much life do we get? How much of my life do I give to this man?

This is a rhetorical question for anyone who wants to call me out.

[This message edited by Noloveagain at 8:51 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]