SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as whether or not it would have continued, it hard to prove a hypothetical. She swears that at the end he so belittled her and me that the ego kibbles she got were now in the negative column, and she had a hard stop when the job was done which would have been days

I remember when you posted her saying that. And it almost would have been believable, had she not meet up with him for coffee after being busted.

He meant “nothing” but she still needed closure.

That is an extra layer of cheese on the shit sandwich. I am glad you got away from it.

I do not recall it being for closure but the only person she could talk to. For the OM it was to make sure it was not going to impact him. There was nothing about her. That is when she rezlized.

Ramius/Rambler. You both have good memories. It was closer to what Rambler said. He was freaking out that I was going to destroy him, and she was nervous he was going to rub it in with me. She had nothing to worry about, he ran away from the whole thing.

It wasn’t closure, or reminiscing about their affair. It was too scared people afraid of losing everything.

I gave her a pass on this. I could understand her motivation.

Ahh. Got it.

I think the shit sandwich is just another ego boost for the WS. A way for them to get more validation of just how awesome and appreciated they really are.

After D-day , most people look at the BS and say:

"Look at that BS. Treated like shit by a fucking asshole and still taking bite after bite of the shit sandwich in order to save the marriage.

THEY must really be something special."

I think most cheaters look at their BS and say:

"Look at that BS. Treated like shit by a fucking asshole and still taking bite after bite of the shit sandwich in order to save the marriage.

I must really be something special."

After D-day , most people look at the BS and say:

Two points:

1) We don't know what most people say.

2) If you want to heal, you pretty much have to stop considering 'what other people say.'People who know infidelity will be supportive of the BS. People who don't know don't have a say anyways.

*****

The key is for the BS to take control of himself, to figure out what he wants, and to take appropriate action, irrespective of his or other people's preconceived notions.

A WS who thinks not being kicked out is because he's special won't be kept around long, if the BS takes control of himself. Sometimes doing that takes time - the BS may need the time to take down internal barriers to dumping the unremorseful WS, and it very often takes time for a WS's lack of remorse to show up.

Look, there are tremendous benefits to staying together, if a couple can create a marriage they both are happy in. I believe the average lifespan in the US is in the low 80s. an investment of 6-12 months could get a good return.

Look, sometimes D is the right choice, and that is apparent immediately. Sometimes D is the right choice, but it takes time for that to become evident. Sometimes R is the right choice.

If you want to make the right choice for you, though, it's best to ignore what 'people' say. To heal you've got to find your path. No one else's will get you to where you want to be.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:43 PM, Saturday, May 30th]

I feel the **** sandwich is real for me as it feels like my WW has not had anything change, but for me my whole world changed. When we talk/argue over what she did, then she will admit she knows she hurt me and says she has to deal with that for the rest of her life. However she has never initiated any talks about it and has spent alot of time trying to rugsweep and gets very agitated anytime i do bring it up, and is totally averse to MC or IC.

So i have the choice of D which is a huge sandwich as my kids dont deserve that, or staying and trying for R when my WW doesnt really want things to change.

WWTL:

As I remember, the biggest motivator for her was not only the fear of social exposure, which was huge in itself, but the fear that your daughters would turn against her.

How has this played out? Have they forgiven her, and if so, do they see your refusal to eat the shit sandwich she served up as a negative on your part?

I think the shit sandwich is just another ego boost for the WS. A way for them to get more validation of just how awesome and appreciated they really are.

I’m not sure this is the case. I think for most WS, at least the remorseful ones it might be the opposite. 24 hours before DDay and life is pretty fucking good. They have a spouse that loves them, a good family life, and a lot of Sex with their AP probably different than the vanilla version they are getting at home. 24 hours later, their AP has headed for the hills telling their spouse that your WS is batshit crazy. The BS is freaking out, doors are slamming, kids are wondering WTF and the WS is staring down a loaded gun of losing it all. Pretty big fall from grace

I do get that when a WS gets their BS to agree to reconcile there has to be a feeling that they must truly love me to swallow this thing. Why else would someone ever put up with a spouse screwing someone else. (I do get that this isn’t an absolute as there are cases of financial distress, children with special needs etc). But in the end, as much as the WS claims to be in it together, they have no clue of the humiliation that the BS has to deal with. That’s why you see story after story here of the WS sleeping soundly while the BS is having nightmares . I’m not saying they don’t feel bad, but it’s just not the same

No amount of reading, or Ester Perel videos will make up for what they have done. In the end the BS is the only one really with the sandwich on their plate

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 3:51 PM, May 30th (Saturday)]

I admittedly haven’t read all the responses, but I absolutely agree that in order to R, we the betrayed have to suck down a shit sandwich. We have to settle for less than. We have to accept that there’s zero justice, and that we are basically letting them carry on and get away with it.

I think my refusal or denial of eating the shit sandwich Is why I’m struggling so much right now. I’m simply not ready to eat it, so there it sits.