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I see a lot of posts saying the affair wasn’t about the BS or the OW, it was about the WS, and the OW could have been anyone. But that isn’t true. Before the affair my WH had a grocery clerk pursuing him - he has always had a flirty demeanor, and this woman took it seriously, and he told her wasn’t interested and stopped shopping there. I asked why he didn’t have an affair with her, since she was willing and throwing him kibbles, and he said he wasn’t physically attracted to her.

He admitted he was physically attracted to the OW which is why he pursued the affair with her. Dday was less than 2 months ago, with the physical affair only admitted almost a month ago (still saying no sex, just sexting and making out in a hotel room once and truck a few times but no contact under clothes - unbelievable, I know). So I am still in comparison mode and I know this will get better with time. Anyway, about 6 months or so before the affair, WS complained to me that I was letting myself go and specifically pointed out my “saddle bags.” I am 5’1” and at the time weighed 104 pounds. OW is 15 years younger, no kids, and exact same height. But she has a good 20-30 pounds on me. She is “thick” in his words. Absolutely bottom heavy. She is a selfie queen so I know the pictures I’ve seen are from the most flattering angles and filters and she no doubt looks worse in person. I know they always affair down, but it is infuriating to me that he complained about my saddlebags, only to cheat with someone my same height but with major thick thighs, hips and ass. He admits he is superficial, and said he would have only cheated with someone “up to his standards,” so if he didn’t like me at 104 pounds how could he be attracted to OW, who has bigger hips than I’ve ever had?! Of course he can’t explain it other than saying he wasn’t in his right mind, and just feels guilt and shame for how he treated me before, as well as about the affair.

I feel embarrassed for even bringing this up and getting into body image issues, but mainly it doesn’t seem to fit with the “it could have been anyone” narrative.

She was definitely up to his standards because his were so low at the timeout didn’t matter who she was.

My perspective is this. A WS would have to few some sense of attraction to entertain taking the risk of an affair with the AP. So it could even be a false sense of attraction that maybe they’re in the same industry or they were elementary school crushes or she had a big chest. But it’s false. You cant be attracted to someone until you get to know them. She could be anyone that’s thick or top heavy. My husbands OW was 22 years younger than him. He saw her at a gas station and literally came back around the block to pull in and talk to her. She was wearing a wig and tight shorts. She is about 5’9, her face without makeup is very plain and her real hair is god awful. Filters in SM and cameras do miracles.

It was always about your WS. Something broken in him that made him think he needed that or wanted it. He found someone just as broken as he is to fill that empty hole. It’s hard not to compare yourself. But you are so far and above her character and beauty and grace. She can’t ever compete. It does get easier. It takes some time and consistent effort in his part, but you won’t always feel like that if the R moves in the right path.

Attraction isn't just about stuff like weight. Honestly, I think it's pretty cold of him to have complained about your weight. Attraction to someone you love shouldn't just be physical. If you don't like the contents, the packaging doesn't matter.

I wouldn't worry about comparing yourself to her or anyone else though. Attraction simply isn't like that. I know it's not as easy to get rid of those thoughts, though.

Your WS didn't have an affair because he met someone he thought was hot. He had an affair because he had garbage going on in his head and she was willing. Just because he said no to someone else doesn't mean it was just physical- it means that he just hadn't broken to quite that level yet.

My H's AP wasn't a mutt but she also wasn't a beauty queen either. She was much taller than I am and resembles a linebacker. (Big, tall - 3 inches taller than my H, and broadshouldered, HUGE feet)Average face, average person.

He had known her for over a year and worked with her on projects at work. I know my H and the attraction was a slow process. Then she started sharing how miserable her marriage was and he and I were in a bad spot and POOF. Remedy for disaster. His attraction became more of the "She feels sorry for me, pays attention to me, and THINKS I AM MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE".

So while I do agree there has to be some kind of attraction, AP's could be anyone. Anyone that pushes the right buttons.

Thanks for the replies. He did know her for about 3 years before the affair - she was the dental assistant at his dental office. Apparently he knew she always had a crush on him.

Speaking for myself, when I say "It could have been anyone," it is possible to take that too literally. OM and I started out as friends. We were in college at the time, and I had several male friends I never would have dreamed of cheating with. I could also have gone out any night of the week and gotten laid at some drunken frat party, which held zero appeal for me. So in that sense, no, it couldn't have been anyone. My A was a "Not Just Friends" type of affair, where I opened windows in my friendship with OM that should not have been opened.

But at the same time, there is no way that I would have started an affair with OM if it hadn't been for the brokenness in my own head. I was looking for approval and validation, and the supplier was far less important than what was being supplied. An addict might have a favorite drug dealer, but if that dealer isn't available and someone else is, the addict doesn't decide to go home and try again on Thursday. They buy from whomever is supplying. They might exercise some relative criteria -- I'm not going with the one that charges double or who I think might be a narc. But one way or another, if they crave getting high, they're finding a way to get high.

In my case, only wanted a particular brand of drug. I have never been interested in casual sex, so I was not tempted until I met someone who I liked enough on a personal level to make that attraction spark. Other WS can want sex with a total stranger. That's not me. But for both me and other WS, the attributes of the other person aren't why we cheated. We just found someone whose circumstances allowed us to act on our self-entitlement. Then we spin stories in our own heads about how that particular AP made the decision acceptable and even inevitable.

What we really mean is "it could have been anyone that was 'good enough' to make the WS feel oh so special." Obviously, unless the WS is desperate for any little attention at all (which absolutely happens depending on the situation) the AP often needs to be 'good enough' in certain ways to actually feel like cheating is a compliment, an ego boost. But that does not make them good or "the one and only person he would have cheated with." Hellz no.

He didn't CHOOSE HER or her body. But he thought she was good enough to take her interest in him as a compliment. So "it could have been anyone like her or her type that made him feel an ego boost." The pool of anyones is fairly big, much higher than ONE special snowflake in the universe. Get it? She was not special. Just good enough, but that ain't sayin' much.

I rarely post on BW threads bc I think WHes are the worst of the worst and I will probably be too harsh. But I couldn't ignore this one...

5 ft 1, 103? That's heavy? What. The. Fuck. Seriously, I know girls built just like you and that's a perfectly acceptable height/weight combo. Hell, that's a hot height/weight combo.

But him implying you're getting fat? Smmfh...fuck that and fuck that guy. Is he some chiseled Adonis?

My wife has gained a lot of weight since we met. Her thyroid doesn't work even on the highest level of thyroid meds. But you know what? I don't notice. She's still the hottest most beautiful woman I've ever met. And I tell her that every single day.

You'd be better off without him.

PS - 2 adults in a hotel room...they don't go there to make out. I think you know that.

(((ct)))

I know it is incredibly painful.

But first stop listening to anything he says. Until he can be honest w/ you about what he did w/ the OW, he is lying. Lying about why he didn't have sex w/ the grocery clerk, and he can't tell you why because he doesn't know why.

Now stop beating yourself up. He cheated because he is broken, not being any thinner or thicker, taller, shorter, whatever else wouldn't have changed the fact that he cheated.

I'd honestly be tempted to punch him in his face telling you you let yourself go? Seriously? This man enjoys living dangerously, or is an abusive prick. One or the other. Your BMI puts you close to being underweight. Which is more unhealthy than being overweight. So F him.

Listen I'm at the heaviest I have ever been, and probably the worst shape of my life, but you know what? My H still thinks I"m sexy, because he knows the sexiness comes from upstairs, not outward appearances.

You need to figure out what you are willing to accept from him, he obviously isn't being truthful. Grown ups don't just make out in hotel rooms. It doesn't happen. Period.

By the way. Don't forget you are an amazing human that has made more humans that are wonderful people as well. If he can't be amazed by that then, well he is the one that is really losing in life.

Thanks everybody for helping me make sense of this. Of course there is more to the story. Not to make excuses bc nothing excuses his bad choices. He disclosed the affair on his own—I had no idea and didn’t suspect a thing. He is a vet with a permanent 100% disability for PTSD after 3 deployments as a medic. At the time of all this, he was on 5 different psychotropic prescriptions, and was also doing hormone replacement therapy - testosterone injections and peptides, basically legal steroids to stimulate human growth hormone— without disclosing to the respective doctors everything he was taking. He also has chronic pain and has had 3 shoulder surgeries and neck injuries. He confessed he has had a narcotics addiction for years which I knew nothing about. He has been clean for a year but still has cravings. We are both in IC, and he is working with his psychiatrist to get off his meds after 12+ years. He is working with a therapist to process his traumas (he has always resisted any kind of talk therapy before). He also stopped the peptide injections and is lowering the testosterone. We found some helpful podcasts recommended here and are listening and discussing. He really seems to be doing the work and walking the walk to change his life. It does seem like the affair was rock bottom for him and a cry for help. He went NC the day he told me and says he has no feelings for OW at all. He admitted the whole affair was him telling her a bunch of bullshit lies to make himself feel better, during a time all he was feeling was either numb or angry. This has been a hell of a lot to deal with on top of quarantine.

Addiction to pain meds and weaning is not something to take lightly. I wish I’d known sooner how f-ed up the withdrawal symptoms where.

My husband said things like I haven’t been attracted to you in 3 years. (Adventures in Hysterical Bonding threw that shit out the window fast.) Why don’t you like this about your body? Um, I don’t really have a problem with it, I’m just extremely selective who I share it with. I think he was projecting his body image issues onto me in an effort to back up the lies he was telling himself.

He recently thanked me for helping him feel comfortable naked and admired he’s never been this comfortable with anyone else. So, WTF?! Why take your clothes off with people your not comfortable with?

I’d love to loose some weight but I’m pretty damn comfortable in my own skin, no one else’s skin is gonna fit right. Don’t believe a word he says about your appearance unless it’s positive everything else is the bullshit he’s feeding himself.

[This message edited by LoneTurtle at 4:59 PM, May 28th (Thursday)]

The MOW in my sitch was not my H's type, as he put it. Still, he told her she was beautiful. He hadn't given me a compliment like that in years.

I agree that he wouldn't have cheated with anyone. He would have cheated with anyone who was like the MOW, if that makes sense. She just happened to say and do the right things at the wrong time for him. It fed his ego and his attraction to her. He was attracted to her because she was reflecting back what he wanted to see about himself. So, yeah, it could've been anyone who did that for him.

Looks isn’t the deciding factor, it’s about how they make them feel combined with copious amounts of selfishness and weak character.

At 5’1 and 104lbs you could eat burgers every day for a month+ and still look amazing...don’t let his weak character detract from how you feel about yourself, he’s the one with issues, not you.

I am concerned that he is complaining about your body. 104 pounds and 5'1" puts you on the thin side of a "normal" body mass index. He is unrealistic if he expects you to look exactly the same as the years roll by. 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 years old. Is he going to be looking like he did at 25 when he's 70? He might have a flabby paunch and bald pate. A marriage is intended to be a long-haul relationship and physical changes will happen with time. Please don't buy into his unrealistic views about what you "should" look like.

I am with Tushnurse here. You just cannot listen to what he says because you already know it does not make sense. It is cruel and off base. It can drive you crazy until you realize their thinking was way off. He was poking holes at you for reasons within himself.

I know an absolutely petite gorgeous friend that most guys would go crazy for. Women are jealous of. Her H ignored her and cheated with women half as attractive. She felt terrible about herself but really I have no idea what was wrong with that man! That is probably you. You are that woman that it makes no sense a sane man would say that to.

He complained about how looked about 6 months before he started cheating? Did he already know, or at least know of, the OW? My guess is that he was coming up with justifications for cheating. One thing cheaters almost always do is villianize their BPs.

Everything you have described supports more and more that his behavior had nothing to do with you or the OW. It was all about him and his suffering. I hope he gets the help he needs. Is he doing any trauma specific therapy other than just talk? EMDR is a big one that can work miracles.

ct528

First, cheaters lie. Second:

Before the affair my WH had a grocery clerk pursuing him - he has always had a flirty demeanor, and this woman took it seriously, and he told her wasn’t interested and stopped shopping there. I asked why he didn’t have an affair with her, since she was willing and throwing him kibbles, and he said he wasn’t physically attracted to her.

Maybe? But think about this - it would be much more likely that he'd have gotten caught with her, right? She wasn't a realistic option. Maybe there was something else.

He admitted he was physically attracted to the OW which is why he pursued the affair with her. Dday was less than 2 months ago, with the physical affair only admitted almost a month ago (still saying no sex, just sexting and making out in a hotel room once and truck a few times but no contact under clothes - unbelievable, I know).

Yeah, not buying that...

So I am still in comparison mode and I know this will get better with time. Anyway, about 6 months or so before the affair, WS complained to me that I was letting myself go and specifically pointed out my “saddle bags.” I am 5’1” and at the time weighed 104 pounds.

WAT? I'm sure you are fine. Cheaters do a number on our self esteem. Don't take anything he says as the gospel truth.

OW is 15 years younger, no kids, and exact same height. But she has a good 20-30 pounds on me. She is “thick” in his words. Absolutely bottom heavy. She is a selfie queen so I know the pictures I’ve seen are from the most flattering angles and filters and she no doubt looks worse in person.

Also, let's remember that she's a horrible human being. She engaged with an already taken man, thereby hurting someone else. Good people don't do that.

I know they always affair down, but it is infuriating to me that he complained about my saddlebags, only to cheat with someone my same height but with major thick thighs, hips and ass.

It could just be him rationalizing his behavior. Again, I wouldn't take his bullshit seriously. I know that's hard to do, since the affair causes self esteem issues.

He admits he is superficial, and said he would have only cheated with someone “up to his standards,” so if he didn’t like me at 104 pounds how could he be attracted to OW, who has bigger hips than I’ve ever had?! Of course he can’t explain it other than saying he wasn’t in his right mind, and just feels guilt and shame for how he treated me before, as well as about the affair.

He's got no standards though. His morals/principles dropped, that's why he cheated.

I feel embarrassed for even bringing this up and getting into body image issues, but mainly it doesn’t seem to fit with the “it could have been anyone” narrative.

Don't be embarrassed - I think we all get that feeling to at least some degree. It's inevitable.

It couldn't have been anyone, you are correct - it could only have been a person with low morals/principles.

Marie2792

My perspective is this. A WS would have to few some sense of attraction to entertain taking the risk of an affair with the AP. So it could even be a false sense of attraction that maybe they’re in the same industry or they were elementary school crushes or she had a big chest. But it’s false. You cant be attracted to someone until you get to know them. She could be anyone that’s thick or top heavy. My husbands OW was 22 years younger than him. He saw her at a gas station and literally came back around the block to pull in and talk to her. She was wearing a wig and tight shorts. She is about 5’9, her face without makeup is very plain and her real hair is god awful. Filters in SM and cameras do miracles.

It was always about your WS. Something broken in him that made him think he needed that or wanted it. He found someone just as broken as he is to fill that empty hole. It’s hard not to compare yourself. But you are so far and above her character and beauty and grace. She can’t ever compete. It does get easier. It takes some time and consistent effort in his part, but you won’t always feel like that if the R moves in the right path.

This is completely true.

OwningItNow

He didn't CHOOSE HER or her body. But he thought she was good enough to take her interest in him as a compliment. So "it could have been anyone like her or her type that made him feel an ego boost." The pool of anyones is fairly big, much higher than ONE special snowflake in the universe. Get it? She was not special. Just good enough, but that ain't sayin' much.

Exactly. She was actually less than special since she's as big a dirtbag as he is.

ct528

At the time of all this, he was on 5 different psychotropic prescriptions, and was also doing hormone replacement therapy - testosterone injections and peptides, basically legal steroids to stimulate human growth hormone— without disclosing to the respective doctors everything he was taking.

Let me guess, he goes to a specialized clinic for this? It's not covered by insurance, right? Testosterone injections ARE steroids. He's probably taking test Cypionate, right? I know this because I'm on *prescription covered by insurance* TRT.

He also stopped the peptide injections and is lowering the testosterone.

Why'd he stop with the peptides? He seemed to have shoulder issues. Eh, not my business, just a little weird, IMO.

cocoplus5nuts

He complained about how looked about 6 months before he started cheating? Did he already know, or at least know of, the OW? My guess is that he was coming up with justifications for cheating. One thing cheaters almost always do is villianize their BPs.

That's completely what I was thinking - I think OP said he knew her for a few years before.

TheLostOne2020 - thanks for the replies. Yes, he goes to an age management clinic that is a concierge service and never saw an actual dr. He tried to get testosterone from 2 other doctors who wouldn’t prescribe it bc he didn’t test low enough. He stopped the peptides bc he felt it was altering his brain chemistry on top of the psychotropics. He was only on them to get bigger muscles. His actions reminded me of decisions a 20 year old would make, so if the peptide was making his body producing growth hormones at the level of a 20 year old, it seems possible it impacted his maturity in decision making and risk taking. ?? I want him to get off the testosterone too but can be a little patient instead of going cold turkey off everything all at once.

He has used an EMDR app before, but just started exposure therapy.

On the no sex thing, he has fully admitted he wanted to have sex with her and tried to have sex with her at the hotel but said she stopped him from getting in her pants. He said she was only there for 10-15 minutes and her “serious boyfriend” called her phone while she was there. He also admitted he made another hotel reservation for them, and said she cancelled on him.