SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out, one month ago, that throughout our 30 + year marriage my husband has cheated on me: having hook ups with 20-30men.

I had NO IDEA and am lost.

I moved out of our bedroom and took off my wedding ring.

I am in counseling, he is in counseling- he says he is a sex addict.

My world crashed.

Edit: I found evidence on his phone and confronted him. He continued to lie. He said he’s bi sexual and that he loves me, but is that what love looks like? He had HIV test in March = negative. I have not had sex with him in months. He says he’s trying .... I don’t even know what that means. He has a therapy session 1x a week and a men’s sex addict group 1x week. I’m not seeing conciliatory behavior.

[This message edited by Sharon123 at 5:03 PM, June 10th (Wednesday)]

Sharon, I'm so sorry you've joined us. Please check out the Healing Library. Get a STD test right away. See a lawyer and find out what D would look like even if you're not ready to file right away.

Sex addiction is VERY difficult to beat. You will be looking at a high likelihood that he will relapse at some point. Could you handle finding out he did it again? Also, are you absolutely sure he's straight/bi? Has he had issues performing with you in the bedroom? If your sex life has taken a nose dive or has never been great, you may want cut and run before you spend any more time and energy on someone who isn't even attracted to you. Has he given you a reason why all his APs were men?

I'm so sorry, Sharon. This must be an awful shock. How did you find out? Did he come to you and confess? Did you find evidence on his phone or computer? Did someone else tell you?

If it were me, I'd kick him out of the bedroom. Why should you have to be the one who goes elsewhere?

Please do your best to take care of yourself. Drink water, eat, exercise.

Welcome Sharon.

You will find others here who have been down similar paths believe it or don't.

You have a partner that has put your health at risk willingly repeatedly. He is after something you will never be able to give him. He may be gay, he may not be, but one thing is for sure he is broken.

You need to focus you and only you right now. At 30 years I'm going to guess the kids are grown and gone, or mostly so. You need to see an attorney and learn your rights, and find out what your options are, to D (divorce) or S (separate). Understand the financial impact of both.

You need to see your Dr ASAP, you need a full work up for any and all STD's, that means blood work and a pelvic exam. DO NOT under any circumstances have unprotected sex with this man again. NO MATTER WHAT. If he is having random hook ups with men he has put you at risk of being exposed to the highest risk category out there. Random hook up people. You have to find out if he has given you anything. This may also play a part in any decisions you make going forward.

Understand that he did this because he is broken, and there is nothing you did or could have done to cause it, or stop it. Only he can do that. Also understand that this is a huge trauma infidelity is a double whammy you loose your M and you find out the one person in the world that was supposed to have your back no matter what doesn't. It SUCKS. It also hurts us mentally and physically. When you see your Dr ask for a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma, and infidelity.

Check out the healing library upper left side of screen. There is a ton of great information in there. There is also forum called I can relate I do believe there is a thread there for same sex A's. This may be helpful for you.

Lastly know this. You are stronger than you realize, and you are going to get through this. You will be stronger and wiser for it, but the normal recovery time is about 2-5 years, and that is regardless of the path to recovery you choose.

Welcome, and please feel free to read profiles, and other threads.

My sister learned after 20 years of marriage (and 35 years of knowing the guy) that her now-ex-husband is gay. She found great help and support through the Straight Spouse Network. You might want to do some reading there.

I'm sorry, but I don't buy into the "sex addict" defense. It's not that there's no evidence that it's a thing, but it needs to be diagnosed by a qualified CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and preferably a good one who can identify comorbidities.

When you look at it as an addiction, you've got a biochemical cocktail of hormones, neurotransmitters, and whatnot, like dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, etc., and yes, this does act on the brain. People who use risky behavior in order to get that buzz of feel-good chemicals are genuinely affected by it to the extent that often we see them escalating the behavior as their "dosage" becomes less effective. But here's the thing... there's no physical withdrawal to speak of when the SA goes cold turkey. He's not puking and sweating like he just quit heroine. He's not shaking and going into convulsions like the hard-core alcoholic. It's a MILD addiction at best.

Too often, our cheaters come to us claiming SA, but SA is often a band-aid for something else, maybe depression, maybe a personality disorder, maybe a childhood history of sexual abuse, maybe just being a closeted gay person. There can be any number of comorbidities, but usually, there's something else going on. Some of that you can work with, some of it you can't. The point is, you don't know until you've got a really good therapist on the case. And really... that's HIS problem, not yours.

Your WH made his choices in full knowledge that what he was doing was WRONG. That's why he went to all the trouble of hiding it from you. So, he's HAD his turn to be the one making choices. Now, it's YOUR turn. There is unlikely to be anything so wrong with your WH that you'd need to invoke "in sickness or health" or to think he was out of control. Clearly, he was in control because he's managed to hide this from you for thirty years. It's not like he thought he was an eggplant or something and couldn't help himself. There's no psychotic break with reality. You owe him nothing regarding your decision. YOU are the victim here. The SA will very often try to turn it around so as to seek sympathy which just adds insult to injury.

My advice is to take your time and to make yourself your number one priority. Believe me, I've been married more than 30 years too, so I get how hard it is to turn that focus away from the needs of your spouse, your adult children, your extended family, and everyone else. But do it anyway. Take your time and make your decisions based on what's best for YOU. There's no right or wrong answer. There's just you and what you can tolerate in your future.

((big hugs))

Another man who cheated and blamed it on being bisexual. I have gay relatives who are married and live honorable lives. Your husband is a garden variety cheat. His sexuality does not give him the excuse to cheat. Period.

Read and reread ChamomileTea post.

To someone that might have a serious stigma about coming out then doing SA treatment might be “safer” or the lesser of two evils compared to admitting being gay or bisexual.

“I had sex with men because I am a sexual addict and addiction is an illness and you can’t really control what illnesses you get and now I’m being treated so it’s all OK” might sound a lot better than “I’m gay, I’m ashamed to admit it and my wife is my beard”.

If your WH sexual encounters follow a pattern (online hookup, same part of town, regular time in-between) it doesn’t sound like SA to me. But then I’m not qualified to diagnose SA. What I can tell you is that if he’s not SA then going to SA meetings and doing SA treatment is about as effective as putting a splint on your arm to cure a cold.

To me there are several key questions.

Is he gay? If so then the marriage is over. Let him be what he is.

Is he bi? If so then sacrificing sex with men shouldn’t be much harder than me not having sex with brunettes (wife is blond). You are “simply” dealing with a cheating husband.

Is he a SA? If he’s diagnosed by a certified specialist then it can be dealt with. But it’s a lifetime of treatments.

He is gay. Multiply by 10 the amount of men he was with.

Is he a good enough companion to spend rest of life with?

He says he’s bi. He said he wants to stay in this marriage, I don’t trust him. He is in counseling and we haven’t yet gone to couples counseling. I have my own therapist. His last hook up was last fall at a gay bar. He had an HIV test in March, which was negative. Our 4 grown kids won’t speak to him. I’m still in house but have moved to basement: I’m sleeping in the bed that my dad died in, so it’s somewhat comforting.

What can I expect?

What kind of conciliatory behavior should I be seeing or that I should be asking for?

What can I expect?

What kind of conciliatory behavior should I be seeing or that I should be asking for?

You can read through a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It's a short book and can sometimes even be found for free download online. Look for the behaviors of "successful rebuilders" and compare them to your WH's actions.

Here's the thing though... You're going to have to PROCESS this betrayal emotionally before deciding what you really want. The knee-jerk reaction of most BS's is to try to repair the marriage and go back to the status quo. And that's NORMAL. We're still in shock for MONTHS after a betrayal like this. It's not until later that we start sorting through our real feelings. Sometimes you find that there's just not enough love and respect left. Respect, like trust, is crazy difficult to rebuild. Every time you look at this guy, you're going to be reminded of what he did, and at first we're hurt, sad, and crying about that. But later on, the rage comes, and it's not like the spurts of anger you've probably experienced thus far... it's a consistent, burning sensation of ire mixed with insult and disgust. Right now, if he cries and apologizes, chances are you feel sorry for him. But later, when the rage takes hold, even that will make you angry.

Take some time to process your feelings. Your WH's cheating history goes back for what?... thirty years? He can wait while you sort out what you want, and if he doesn't like waiting, it's not like you've got him chained up in the basement, right? Get a few months of IC under your belt. See an attorney or a financial planner and understand your finances. Focus on what you need. Read and post here, journal, meditate. Explore your options.

He says he’s bi.

He's said a lot of things that may or may not be true. Were you satisfied with your sex life before DDay? If not, it doesn't really matter what he says.

He had an HIV test in March, which was negative.

What about other STDs? Have YOU been tested? He can be a carrier for STDs and test negative too, you know.

What kind of conciliatory behavior should I be seeing or that I should be asking for?

CT is spot on with the book recommendation. But honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about this YET. He cheated for years and it's only been 1 month. He was able to play the good spouse role so well you had no idea for decades. He can lie and fool his way through anything right now. Unless there are obvious signs that he is unremorseful (dishonest, not allowing access to his devices and accounts, won't talk about it, won't answer questions, says you're at fault for his cheating), what he's doing 6 months to a year from now will matter more than what you see today. He has proven he can put on a facade for long periods of time. 1 month is nothing to pretend to be remorseful and convince a therapist he's on his way to being fixed. It will be much harder for him to still be progressing and doing what he should be a year from now.

How did you find out?

I found out by seeing a message on his phone from a month before looking for gay sex. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him about it and he said he’s bi and no hook up took place that night....leaving out the dozens that had taken place in prior years. I asked him on April 29 (D day) how many men he’d been with. Answer : 20 or 30. I asked him again tonight; he said he didn’t keep count but like 40 or 50. Still haven’t gotten whole truth. Grown up kids are shunning him. He’s upset with me for telling the kids.

It’s a MESS.

He’s upset with me for telling the kids.

Tough. What he SHOULD be upset about is allowing you to invest thirty years of your life with a liar and a cheat. You might have had a happy life with a man who wasn't lying about his sexuality and who cared enough about you to refrain from exposing you to deadly venereal diseases.

A WS who is upset that people have found out is still more concerned with Image Management than recovery. If they're truly remorseful and overwhelmed with grief for what they've done, they're not thinking about other people's judgments. They're consumed with their own.

ETA: Right now you need your key people supporting you. You can't get through something like this on your own or with no one noticing that something is off with you. So, don't feel bad about creating your support network. It wouldn't be needed if you hadn't been utterly BETRAYED by the person who vowed to love and cherish you. Remember that it's not knowledge of the deed which causes the harm... it's the deed itself. The WS has no right to try and make you behave dishonestly with your loved ones. He's denied you agency for long enough.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:58 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Sharon sharon sharon... Please call your Dr and go get all testing done that they will do. That means a pelvic and blood work. HIV isn't the worst thing to get anymore. HPV, Hepatitis, and other life long STD's need to be tested for, and him being a guy, they can't test for HPV on him.

Take control of your future.

When there ask about counseling for trauma and infidelity referrals. Most Dr's are familiar with this scenario and often have a good relationship w/ a referral source.

Bi, Gay, Straight - this man wants to stay because he has had a comfortable life so far getting to do what he wants. You can't fix his desire for men. So what is he going to do to be a safe partner for you?

Sharon. I am so sorry you are here, i have just a couple things to add.

The problem is not that he is Bi. The problem is that he didn’t choose to respect you enough to TELL you he was Bi so you could make your own decisions about your life and the risks you were willing to put your body through.

He could have come to you when he realized he was Bi, to discuss it BEFORE he CHOSE to CHEAT with DOZENS of people.

Please, please, please follow Tushnurse’s advice and get all of the tests. My dear, dear, dear friend died from cancer caused by HPV. These STD’s are no joke, so do not put off being tested.

Wishing you all the best. Please know that we understand what it feels to be cheated on. Treat YOURSELF kindly now. Do everything you can to take care of YOU as you navigate this storm. We have your back!

Another man who cheated and blamed it on being bisexual. I have gay relatives who are married and live honorable lives. Your husband is a garden variety cheat. His sexuality does not give him the excuse to cheat. Period.

My W cheated with a woman. When I joined SI I thought I might be shunned. I thought my experience was so unique that maybe SIers couldn't help me. What I found instead, from reading people's stories, is that in a very real sense cheating is cheating. In a very real sense your H is just another serial cheater who conducted a lot of ONSes during your M.

I, too, think your H is using SA as an excuse. And even if he IS SA, he still owes you monogamy and honsety, unless you forced him to marry you - and by 'force', i mean by threat of violence or by other abusive method.

The first question is:

Is he gay or bi? If he enjoyed sex with you without hating himself, he's probably bi. If he's gay, like Bigger, I'd say the M is over.

If he's bi, do you want him? R requires a remorseful WS and partners who want to stay together. One question that must be answered early is, again: do you want him?

The next question: Is your H remorseful? Is he willing to do the work necessary to R? At this point, it doesn't like he's a good candidate - he seems to be saying ,'I'm SA' and not saying what that means to him '...and this is what you can expect from me, because I can't or won't or am afraid to change.'

I recommend starting with 2 goals: 1) processing the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed out of yourbody, and 2) figuring out what you want. You won't need to force the process - have faith in yourself to figure out what you want. If you want R, have faith in yourself to evaluate how good a candidate for R your H is.

One of the things that is often said here is 'give up trying to control the outcome.' You can lead a good life whether you D or R.

Sharon, I am sorry you are going through this. Sadly this is similar to my own experience. Married 26 years with four kids and utterly shocked by the discovery. I did tell the kids and they have been dealing with it.

Echoing others with the advice to get STD testing and try to find a therapist experienced with gay spouse. Please consult with an attorney so you are able to understand your options. Reconciliation is possible for some. Just not me.

I am so sorry you are here. It just sucks Big hugs. I hear you.

You are doing so very well. Hugs. You will be ok.

So sorry that you are dealing with this destruction. Tell him you want to see the report. He has shown you who he is .... a liar and a cheat. He should be in the basement.... not you.

Take one day at a time and lean on your support and read everything in the Healing Library.

Sending you strength and you will eventually find the peace you need. Remember.... YOU WILL SURVIVE!!

Keep posting