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I am actually grateful this happened. I appreciate the clarity her recent actions have given me.

I am writing up my speech, I have a practice run set up with a friend tomorrow morning. I have had my legal ducks in a row since before I ever confronted her the first time. This will be expensive but all that stuff is what it is once you pull the trigger.

Good luck, smurfy! You're doing good!

Good luck, smurfy! You're doing good!

So sorry brother, she has shown you who she wants.

No consultation, just ask “hey can I come”?

Then have her served down there at her parents place, or APS house.

One day at a time.

Buffer

Just last night I said to my father, "maybe someday my higher power will come along and help me make this decision.

A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbour urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbour drove off in his pick-up truck.

The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.

The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The flood waters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.

When he reached heaven and asked, “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?”

am writing up my speech, I have a practice run set up with a friend tomorrow morning. I have had my legal ducks in a row since before I ever confronted her the first time. This will be expensive but all that stuff is what it is once you pull the trigger.

No speech. She tuned you out a long time ago.

Consult a lawyer and have her served. No more talking. No negotiation, no nothing. Grey rock.

For Gods sake, man, take charge of your own life.

Yours is alot more clear cut than mine, but still breaking from CO-D is hard.. Its breaking a pattern of possibly a lifetime.

But once you file the weight will be lifted.. You will no longer struggle with trying to hold on to someone who does want you.. Maybe the filing might make her see.. Maybe not.. But at least from there on in YOU are in charge of the process..

Up till that point she has been.. Same happened here.. But once filed I feel better.. Less stressed.. And can finally just focus on me and the kids.. If she wants to make things work again then SHE has to show she will make rather radical changes.

Good luck smurfy..

I am still interested if I could somehow inspire her to dive into the wonderful spiritual journey that true recovery could be. To watch someone experience growth - be there for the metanoia - that is the kind of emotional intimacy I want to be there for.

Once they turn and fall in love with someone else, its over.

You cannot "inspire" her to dive into anything. Her lover is inspiring her to dive into his bed.

You sound like a highly intelligent guy. That will not help you in this instance. You need to wake up the reptilian level of your brain. All this navel gazing is just an irritant to her.

A woman like her is looking for a Neanderthal not Aristotle.

"Also, she still feels entitled to travel alone on zero notice, making plans for a week-long vacation without even discussing it with her "husband"

This kinda stuff like this makes my blood boil, one thing is cheating behind your back.... But another is continuing the cheating in BS face like this and all entitled.... Please don't allow this OP.... Ever,

this is emotional abuse on you and even if you don't sense it it is causing u emotional damage in the long run... Put a stop to it yesterday, like someone said go "gray Rock" and immediately withdraw all your feelings and emotions for her....

Just last night I said to my father, "maybe someday my higher power will come along and help me make this decision."

Sorry Smurfy, but you higher power just gave you swift kick in the nads.

Please take some time today to make a to do list.

1. See some attorneys.

2. Get tested for STD's, if she is visiting her AP, you need to be tested, because she probably never stopped.

3. Figure out what a parenting plan would look like for you.

4. Move her shit out of your bedroom while she is gone this week. She left you, them M, and family. She can leave the bedroom.

5. Figure out what you are going to tell the kids, and how that parenting plan is going to work so that you can start implementing it, the second she returns home. Make sure you are allowing her time w/ the kid(s) where you have zero responsiblity for them, she needs to know this whole fairy tale is not all fun and games.

6. Remember what she is doing basically rubbing your face in it, when you feel down. Try to tap into the anger in other words. It will give strength and energy.

skerzoid posted 7/4/2020 01:41 AM

++ this.

Thought I would post an update on week in. Last Friday I had the talk. It was fairly short, sweet, remained rational and did not get too emotional. Then I walked out that door and went backpacking, by my damned self. It was great, clarity of thought, I met some interesting thru hikers and it took me off the grid for a while. (Don't tell WW but there is actually LTE coverage over much of the high Sierra and besides, I can send and receive message by GPS over about 80% of the earth but all she needs to know is that I'm off the grid.)

I read CoD no more, tried my best to let go of feeling responsible for all the feelings she was texting me and maintained a balanced tone in my responses. Caring/friendly/cordial but not interested in backing down.

So here is my question for the group: What would you say in response when you receive a text saying, "I love you?" Assume you are going for the Gwennth Paltrow Conscious uncoupling type split.

"Love you too, but know this changes nothing."

"Love you and always will, in one way way or another, but still, I'm moving on and hope you are finding the support you're looking for down there."

"nothing"

"The Verizon user you are trying to contact has blocked your number, filed for a restraining order and is currently learning to sew Voodoo dolls."

PS. updating my sig to 'separated' felt good.

And what would be the "Grey Rock" answer to I Love You after separation?

"That's nice, BTW I paid the power bill?"

Crickets is what you give her. Any response, even if it's negative just feeds the beast.

Do not respond. She's manipulating you.

She's just trying to minimize in her own head the harm she's caused. And provide a basis to say that D was mutual (and not because she cheated).

[This message edited by Rosepetal2 at 3:02 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Hi there, I read your post and no joke you sound exactly like me! I could have written it myself, the book , feelings etc all the same. My WH stonewalls next when I speak about stuff, and where you said you get on and it’s pleasant as long as you’re not venting your feelings is 100% us too!

Literally the last 2 weeks has been nice but as soon as I wanted a talk he barely responded, and then went straight to sleep . Then barely spoke to me for 2 days!

I I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted

Crickets is the best response. Love is not enough from her because her love does not include fidelity, honesty, transparency, or respect.

Thank you Nekonamida for summing it up so succinctly.

Rosepetal2, you have my empathy. All I can tell you - based on my own regrets - is don't let up, don't stand. Do not do as I did: write powerful letters telling W you need them to open up and then, having put the ball in their court, wait, and wait, and wait.

The big red herring I see in your posts is the lack of communications.

Don’t get me wrong. Lack of communications didn’t make her cheat or make her less a candidate for reconciliation or whatever. But I don’t think the silent treatment, expecting her to understand, dropping hints or suggestions are the way to go.

If you need A, B and C to reconcile then tell her so.

If you don’t think progress is being made then tell her so.

If you can’t accept the unexpected trip, then tell her so.

If you think she’s going there to see OM, then tell her so.

If you want to divorce rather than reconcile then tell her so.