SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I was woefully disappointed. Maybe I didn't find the right forum. There was a shout out to SI peeps at the top. We're welcome as long as we can be respectful.

I didn't read people bragging about cheating. What I read was a group of people telling someone who was considering cheating to talk to his partner first. Try to work it out. I also read a bunch of people advising a young woman who had cheated on her BF of 2.5 years to just break up with him. 🤷‍♀️

See, I hate that entire line of thought. The "rewrite" after the fact of events that happened into something that either "sounds better" or is the right answer. I really strive NOT to do that in my life, and try NOT to let my feelings change my facts.

I see this a lot from BH's specifically, not sure why and I am not making a statement, it's just an observation.

I think you think of it as a rewrite as in the person is trying to sanitize it or make it more palatable. And then you compare it to prior marital sexual history, and I get that is because it's all you know.

Speaking from someone who has both, and even experience swinging, they are not alike at all.

You don't have to go back and go through the details of what you did to the person it will hurt the most and watch them crumble. You did not have to hate yourself for doing it and at times that pain is so bad you wish you could just disappear. I always get the sense there might be times you have regrets over some of the ways you procured the sex, but it's not at all the same.

I am forever changed by the experience of humiliating myself, forever altering two long term marriages (primarily I concentrate on my own, but I would be remiss not to think of the OBS), creating the most shame and lostness that I have ever felt. And then spending the last 3 years of my life trying to put myself, my marriage, my husband back together again.

You can't separate the two things - the sex and the aftermath. I understand why YOU can with premarital sexual history - but it's far more complex and life altering when it happens in an affair.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:54 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

I think you think of it as a rewrite as in the person is trying to sanitize it or make it more palatable. And then you compare it to prior marital sexual history, and I get that is because it's all you know.

Yes, that's exactly what I consider a "re-write" sanitizing it and making it "more palatable". And you might be right, I have no experience with affair sex, but plenty of experience trying to make the "truth palatable" (which basically comes down to either lying or lying by omission).

I'm not saying it's not understandable, I do know why people do it. I just don't think it's the truth. Now, some things, they really do get a "re-write". "Did you love him" is a good example of this, because, if you don't love him now, the answer very well could be "I thought I did at the time, but realize now that it was all bullshit". I don't see that as a re-write, I see that as a feeling that changed.

But when we're talking about facts, number of times, acts completed, your enjoyment of those acts with him/her. Those are "today feelings" those are what actually happened.

You can't separate the two things - the sex and the aftermath. I understand why YOU can with premarital sexual history - but it's far more complex and life altering when it happens in an affair.

I see what your saying, and, yes, I agree, I don't have any experience directly applicable to an A. But I've had sex with highly negative outcomes before. Wished, with all my being that I didn't do what I did, either because people got hurt or because I was just upset with myself. None of those altered the actual sex in my mind. It could be crappy sex that lead to a horrible outcome and it could be fantastic sex that led to a horrible outcome. I think that perhaps the reason I (and perhaps other BH's) hang up on this is because of compartmentalization, something that men seem to do more often then women. I know that's what I do, the sexual experience is in box A by itself, the repercussions go into box B. I think that's the most likely answer that I can come up with, it just doesn't make sense to me to examine "how was the sex" through the lens of "the consequences" or "how you felt about her" or "do you wish you did it". No, you asked how the sex was, and if you want the answer to that, I'll give it to you. If you want, instead, to ask "are you glad you did it" or "was it worth it given the fallout" well, those are entirely different answers in a lot of cases. Sex was great, fallout was awful, absolutely not worth it and wish I had never done it. Honestly, that describes plenty of experiences I've had in the past.

Well, I was woefully disappointed. Maybe I didn't find the right forum. There was a shout out to SI peeps at the top. We're welcome as long as we can be respectful.

You definitely found the wrong sub. lol

Well, I was woefully disappointed. Maybe I didn't find the right forum. There was a shout out to SI peeps at the top. We're welcome as long as we can be respectful.

I didn't read people bragging about cheating. What I read was a group of people telling someone who was considering cheating to talk to his partner first. Try to work it out. I also read a bunch of people advising a young woman who had cheated on her BF of 2.5 years to just break up with him.

Thats the right sub. I've read over there occasionally, not all the posts are bragging sex posts. I also found its way more real than this SI website in terms of what affairs are like and how WS feel and how they see their BS, and reasons why. And Reddit has an SI forum, thats the forum they are referring to at the sticky at the top of that page. This SI page is heavily skewed with BS that are trying to reconcile, over there its more divorcing ones. The Adultery page is more realistic version of life before, during and after an affair.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:09 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

I see what your saying, and, yes, I agree, I don't have any experience directly applicable to an A. But I've had sex with highly negative outcomes before. Wished, with all my being that I didn't do what I did, either because people got hurt or because I was just upset with myself. None of those altered the actual sex in my mind. It could be crappy sex that lead to a horrible outcome and it could be fantastic sex that led to a horrible outcome. I think that perhaps the reason I (and perhaps other BH's) hang up on this is because of compartmentalization, something that men seem to do more often then women. I know that's what I do, the sexual experience is in box A by itself, the repercussions go into box B. I think that's the most likely answer that I can come up with, it just doesn't make sense to me to examine "how was the sex" through the lens of "the consequences" or "how you felt about her" or "do you wish you did it". No, you asked how the sex was, and if you want the answer to that, I'll give it to you. If you want, instead, to ask "are you glad you did it" or "was it worth it given the fallout" well, those are entirely different answers in a lot of cases. Sex was great, fallout was awful, absolutely not worth it and wish I had never done it. Honestly, that describes plenty of experiences I've had in the past.

Same. I've had great sex with people I wish I'd never met. That doesn't change the fact that the sex was outstanding.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but the "great sex" aspect of that forum is the least disturbing part to me.

I have no doubt many WSs think they have "the best sex ever" with their AP. I'm sure the secrecy of it all is a heady mix, and it probably makes pretty unremarkable sex in pretty unsexy places seem incredible.

However, I also think someone's definition of what great sex is to them can also change with them.

But what's truly disturbing to me is the lack of empathy, the idea that any damage to the BS or even their family is totally worth it as long as they're getting to be with their AP. The posts belittling and diminishing the SO are also terrible, and laughing about how stupid they are for not seeing what's happening right in front of them, but even the scumbags on that sub don't usually stand for that.

Thats the right sub.

Maybe I've been on the sub too much, but honestly, I've seen some pretty bad stuff. Not always the bragging, but often yes. One of the most recent posts is bragging. Also the complete lack of care about what they're doing is pretty common. Lots of blaming the spouse. Lots of complaining about the AP ghosting them. The advising people against cheating is very uncommon, but yes, there is some of that mixed in.

[This message edited by landclark at 11:58 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

But what's truly disturbing to me is the lack of empathy

While my wife was smart enough never to ask or say something, I know the way the AP dropped her cold and moved on stunned her. 2 days before d-day, he was nothing but "we're going to make our new life together", roses and luuuvve. I think seeing him go from "full of empathy" to none at all was a bit shocking to her. Well, first off, he was never full of empathy, he was full of whatever you wanted to hear, that's different.

But, more fundamentally, don't swim with sharks if you don't want to get bit. I mean, what did you expect? Of course he was low on empathy, look at what he was doing to his wife with you?! I just don't get that, how do you fall for that crap when their actions tell an entirely different story?! If your goal is sex, OK, I get it and, like we discussed here, at least some of us don't need to even like the other person to have really good sex. Your still a POS, but, at least you're seeking something that doesn't hinge on the AP being a good/fortright/upstanding person. You seeking a skill, not a moral position. Some really s**tty people are good at it, some aren't, but, you have a SHOT at getting what you want. But when you're seeking love/respect/caring/etc. I mean, really, WTF? Go to a male centered cheating site, read about all the "caring" as they talk about plates, and logistics, and push/pull, and all the other crap that men do to bed women quickly and keep access to their vagina while married. You've jumped into a bears den, don't be surprised when it turns out to be a bear!

Yeah, I find it ironic when they complain about not getting any empathy from their AP when they clearly have none themselves for their BS at home.

I recently read Not Just Friends, which talked about how when a WS talks about the deep connection they feel with their AP, it's because their AP is just really good at empathizing with them.

It's depressing to know that they're so good at empathizing with each other while being incapable of it when it comes to their BS.

because their AP is just really good at empathizing with them.

Oh yeah, great at it. Helps when you have a "say whatever-the-f**k-you-have-to-cause-this-aint-gonna-last" card in your back pocket though.

It's not a fair fight with an AP, not at all. They aren't bound by the need to actually make good on anything. "I hate my job". "Well you should quit and become the artist you always wanted to be". Sure, great, wonderful, until you realize that job puts food on the table. And my wife, the harpy, won't let me follow my dreams of being a professional skateboarder. She just doesn't "get me".

No moron, she actually cares about you and your life, where the AP will tell you whatever you want to hear.

Are people really this dense, I mean, honestly?

Ugh, you almost just described my husband, the wanna-be rockstar who got the affirmation he needed from his AP.

I guess I just wasn't cool enough to empathize with his dreams.

People are that dense, unfortunately.

I see what your saying, and, yes, I agree, I don't have any experience directly applicable to an A. But I've had sex with highly negative outcomes before.

I get regretting sex. This is really still not just in that realm. This is something that destroyed your spouses world. Destroyed all the security of your marriage, home, family.

And, I think the closest you got was this:

I'm not saying it's not understandable, I do know why people do it. I just don't think it's the truth. Now, some things, they really do get a "re-write". "Did you love him" is a good example of this, because, if you don't love him now, the answer very well could be "I thought I did at the time, but realize now that it was all bullshit". I don't see that as a re-write, I see that as a feeling that changed.

What if the main thing you enjoyed about the sex was that you thought you were with someone you loved and who loved you back? That's the part that I think is hard to see from your perspective because you would likely not get your feelings involved if you had an affair.

As far as mind blowing, I have talked publicly and privately with members here, and I just don't see a lot of them saying that, even in confidence. For the most part, out of all my sexual experiences there were a few I would cateogorize as bad, a few really memorable awesome times, and the rest just somewhere there in the middle. I couldn't recall much about those middle times, I could tell you if my overall feeling towards the sex life of that relationship was positive or not. A helluva lot of sex falls in the middle IMO.

What if the main thing you enjoyed about the sex was that you thought you were with someone you loved and who loved you back? That's the part that I think is hard to see from your perspective because you would likely not get your feelings involved if you had an affair.

Well.. I have to say, that makes perfect sense to me. I can't imagine it for myself at all, what I enjoy most about sex is, well, the sex part of it. But I can see that someone could look at it differently and instead of orgasms, be looking at some other aspect of it. That said, it appears to me that "great sex" that I've seen described (from a woman's perspective) shares a lot of commonality with how I'd describe it (lots of orgasms, for example, seems to pepper many "great sex" descriptions for women, pretty similar to me). So, maybe it's variable, great sex can be 10 orgasms in a row doing everything under the sun while doing backflips off a diving board, OR, for others, it can be thinking that the person you're sleeping with loves you? And I suppose it could vary even in one person, although, TBH, I've never had "great sex" that was all about an emotional connection, it's always physical for me, but I can see how that might be different for others..

A helluva lot of sex falls in the middle IMO.

I agree with that. But you may have also hit on why people like me get totally hung up on "yes for him, no for me" thing, at least part of it anyway. Sure, I've had a lot of "middle of the road" sex. But, if you were to ask me how much "middle of the road" sex I had that included anal, in public, swallowing and deep throat, I can give you that answer, it's none. It's exactly those acts that often take sex from "pretty good" to "OMFG". Also, if you concentrate elsewhere, one of the other things I got to deal with (and many do) is multiple sexual encounters "in a row". Several times in one meeting, for example. Again, plenty of middle of the road sex, but not much of it where I had 4 orgasms in 3 hours because the woman just could not get enough (or pretended not to be able to get enough; WTF, I have no idea anymore). It's exactly the "dirty details" that differentiate to me meh, from good, from great, from once in a lifetime. And, sadly, I really do think that my wife provided a "once in a lifetime" experience to her AP. IDK, maybe he's able to get that with all his AP's, he's well practiced, but, still, I can't see any way in hell it was anything but OMG for him.

People are that dense, unfortunately.

Makes me think that a lot of our spouses probably need to be restricted from the bank account before they give out the number trying to help some get 19 trillion dollars out of some 3rd world country who just needs an account number; and guess what, they can keep 1/2 of it!

Well.. I have to say, that makes perfect sense to me. I can't imagine it for myself at all, what I enjoy most about sex is, well, the sex part of it. But I can see that someone could look at it differently and instead of orgasms, be looking at some other aspect of it. That said, it appears to me that "great sex" that I've seen described (from a woman's perspective) shares a lot of commonality with how I'd describe it (lots of orgasms, for example, seems to pepper many "great sex" descriptions for women, pretty similar to me). So, maybe it's variable, great sex can be 10 orgasms in a row doing everything under the sun while doing backflips off a diving board, OR, for others, it can be thinking that the person you're sleeping with loves you? And I suppose it could vary even in one person, although, TBH, I've never had "great sex" that was all about an emotional connection, it's always physical for me, but I can see how that might be different for others..

Oh I wildly confused you.

Of course Awesome sex probably doesn't get defined differently between men and women. We like orgasms as much as you do.

My experience is coming from someone who didn't have any of those while having the affair. But, I have said in the past of course I enjoyed the sex. But, yes, it was more about the touching and attention for me.

So, if those feelings are not real, well, there really isn't a lot left to look at when it comes to the sexual aspects of my affair other than feelings of humiliation and disgust. Seeing even the feelings were bullshit, well there is nothing to look back on with fondness there. YMMV.

Well, I was woefully disappointed. Maybe I didn't find the right forum. There was a shout out to SI peeps at the top. We're welcome as long as we can be respectful.

I didn't read people bragging about cheating. What I read was a group of people telling someone who was considering cheating to talk to his partner first. Try to work it out. I also read a bunch of people advising a young woman who had cheated on her BF of 2.5 years to just break up with him

Yep, definitely the wrong one, sounds like you might have ended up in their version of SI, It's actually called Surviving Infidelity.

If you search for the cheating or affairs sub forums there are some real eye openers.

I don't know how many of them I believe are real though.

Omg I did the same thing. Worst idea ever. Also went to some forums and posted questions, and the responses I would get would send me into a spiral, I would suggest not looking it messes with your mental health. It did mine!

Carissima,

I hope you're right about a lot of them not being real. I really, really do.

Dontworrybehappy,

Agreed. It's a bad idea all around.

For some stupid reason, though, I'm having a hard time staying off of it, and it's making me anxious AF.

I need to figure out how to stop pain shopping and redirect my obsessive thoughts about everything. I can't focus on anything else, and it's getting to the point where it's starting to affect my job.

It seems many posters there are serial cheaters. They seem to think that a dead bedroom is an excuse to cheat, but if the poster is a cake eater getting attention at home they are not looked on as kindly. They call it a "lifestyle".....

The thing I hate is the revelry in getting one over on their spouse. They seem gleeful and post about their close calls. Sad that they think having an AP takes a lot of trust, but I dont think that word means what they think it means.....to quote princess bride.

If you search for the cheating or affairs sub forums there are some real eye openers.

Eye openers? Not to me, not at all. The "typical" stories you hear there are the "typical" stories I'd always heard about affair from my male acquaintances. Sex is amazing, nothing is off limits, it's easy, just say a few nice things; the husband takes care of all the hard stuff, you just get the cream. It's like, when I go over there, I both puke in my mouth and breathe a sigh of relief, OK, now this is the cheater I know. Cold, calculating, unrepentant, out for a new piece of ass, probably still in "love" with his wife (whatever the hell that means to him) and has no desire to leave, no particular like/care for the AP beyond what they provide. That is EXACTLY the cheat I know. The WH's here, I have no idea where they came from, I've never met one IRL. But that spot, that feels like it mirrors my IRL experience much, much better.

It seems many posters there are serial cheaters. They seem to think that a dead bedroom is an excuse to cheat, but if the poster is a cake eater getting attention at home they are not looked on as kindly. They call it a "lifestyle".....

Again, exactly like the male cheats I know. "Not getting it at home" is a free license to cheat and be accepted into the group as a "good guy who just has needs".

I guess that's kind of why I "like it" (if by liking, you mean, I wish I had a way to bitch slap every single one of them through the computer) over there, it feels "real" and honest. It's what they are thinking before they are caught, the "why" in plain view, "I'm horny" "My husband sucks in bed" "Nobody pays attention to me". I just feel like it's a good view into the "unrevised" thoughts, feelings and experiences of a cheater.

The thing I've always wondered, what would my wife have said during the A? Would her story have been vastly different than the one I got? Would it be "crying orgasms" and "best sex of my life"? Because I'll give you 1000 to 1 odd, when those /r/a people are caught, their story sounds much more like my W's and the ones we see here than they do over there. Which is real? My general take, and the reason I believe it's more "real" there than "after caught" is because the stakes are so much lower; who cares if the sex is bad, good, or otherwise, there's little incentive to lie to /r/a where there's MASSIVE incentive to lie to your BS and even incentive to lie if you come to a board like this. Sure, a WS could come here and talk about the "best sex of their life, how will they give it up" but, I'm gonna say, they won't last long before they either get with the program or are gone.