SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think that it takes a special kind of shit head to brag about adultery on reddit though. It seems like a lot of people on Reddit are the worst anyway regardless of what sub they’re posting in, so I’d like to think that they are sort of the bottom of an already pretty pathetic barrel.

I might be wrong though. Those sub-human posts might be indicative of all cheaters. If that’s the case, I’d like to know now so I can stop trying to reconcile with mine.

How long before they link to this thread? I can see it now, look at the poor little losers whining...

Yep. I could see it. Whatever, they can laugh, but in the end, it’s them whining and begging us to stay. Fuck em.

[This message edited by Joanna1013 at 6:04 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

You get the truth as they currently believe it to be. Or the truth as they are willing to share it with others. People are very, very good at lying to themselves and covering for anything shameful in themselves with other lies. Our self-protective instinct is very strong, so we see things as we want to see them, not as they really are. We prefer it that way.

They can, for example, say they feel no guilt while their body shows multiple signs of feeling guilty--upset stomach, insomnia, weight loss, anxiety, high blood pressure. They can tell you that they are absolutely positive that they do not have an anger problem while insulting everyone, writing in all caps, and so "What the mother fucking bloody hell are you even talking about accusing them of anger issues, you asshole?!!!!!" They will tell you that they do not love their spouse at all and are so done with her--until she starts packing those bags and they realize that they actually had no clue how much they loved her or what love really was. They also describe themselves as looking 10 years younger than they are (nobody agrees with them, but they don't know), having a great sense of humor (while not being described as funny by anyone they know), and loving life (while hanging on their couch). None of them have any issues--those restraining orders, the dishonorable discharge, the kids they lost to the exH in a custody dispute, and that stint in rehab don't count. And they are all a catch! "Too bad my first four husbands didn't realize it!"

Yep, Reddit is filled with very wise, honest, self-aware people. Definitely believe everything they say as "the unfiltered truth." Except they wouldn't know a filter if it kicked them in the teeth. You are far more likely to get the unvarnished truth on SI as all sides and levels of awareness are represented. Reddit's adultery section is as honest and self-aware as Tinder. Remember that.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:12 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

I have never read there but won't after reading this thread. I've read on an Other Woman forum before and that was pretty sickening and pathetic as well. I've decided to implement a no tolerance policy on anyone around me that cheats. They are either going to not like what I have to say or get cut the fuck right out of my life. This includes family and friends. I have no more love for ANY cheater of ANY kind and have completely lost my own shit over infidelity.

You are far more likely to get the unvarnished truth on SI as all sides and levels of awareness are represented. Reddit's adultery section is as honest and self-aware as Tinder. Remember that.

It's all filters. On Reddit, there's really no filter, and people say all manner of insanity. :) But, let's be honest with ourselves here, we are self-selecting heavily in this group. I know/have known, IDK, maybe 10 male cheats in my life. 0 have talked about FOO. 0 have talked about leaving their wives, their deep conflicts, their desperate situations or their unhappiness with life. Almost all of them have raved about sex with the AP(s).

AFAIK, in the few years I've been here, we've never had a poster come here and say "The sex with my AP was so much better, I just don't know what to do". Maybe they have, but I've never seen it. However, again, intellectual honesty here, what would we say to that poster? I'm quite certain I know what message would be delivered, and it's not one that I'd want to receive. We're a group of people with a common purpose, trying to heal from the wounds of an A, and because of that, we're "on message" most of the time.

I think I've mentioned this in other threads, but I used to have a drinking problem as a young man. I spent some time in AA as a result of my issues and the repercussions from them, and, when you step into those rooms, it's much like this one. It's very self-selected. You won't hear "war stories" about the awesome time RIO and his buddies went fishing, got drunk and wound up having a great time. Nor will you hear stories about how great 12 year old scotch tastes. It's entirely focused on the negative, and the repercussions of that drinking rather than the pleasure and enjoyment obtained from that activity. But you get those guys alone, sometimes you'll get a different story, a story about how much they miss it, how much they wish they could still drink and keep it under control, and how, while their life is better today, they still think about it often. In AA, they call it "dry drunk", someone who wants to drink and misses it, but does not, and, in my experience, it's quite common. However, in the "room", there's none of that. The message is curated and when people talk, they know "what to say". In many ways, A recovery is similar, there are things you say, and there are things you do not say. In the "do not say" group comes much of the things that you see on Reddit, best sex of my life, best orgasms, so much better in bed than my BS, etc. Is it always true on Reddit? No, of course not. Is it sometimes true? Of course it is, there's a reason that some people (me, for example) worry about it, and it's not because we're crazy people and not because we need to spend more time in psych's office. It happens. Is it common? IDK. Before my W's A and before coming here, I would have told you "Having an A appears to be, from 1st hand reports, the best sex in the world". Because that's what I heard most commonly from other men. Confounding that, some of what other men told me was true; "Married women go from hello to the bedroom quick, they get down to business, there are no limits with them in bed, etc". All of that, at least in my personal situation, pretty much dead on accurate.

I certainly wouldn't suggest anyone spend a lot of time there, it's horrifying. But I also don't think it's make believe, at least not most of it. Honestly, I wish my W stumbled on that /r/ before her affair, she would have understood the dynamics of what she was entering into and the mentality of at least some male APs (and certainly hers, he would be a "reddit original") so much better.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 6:37 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

AFAIK, in the few years I've been here, we've never had a poster come here and say "The sex with my AP was so much better, I just don't know what to do". Maybe they have, but I've never seen it. However, again, intellectual honesty here, what would we say to that poster? I'm quite certain I know what message would be delivered, and it's not one that I'd want to receive. We're a group of people with a common purpose, trying to heal from the wounds of an A, and because of that, we're "on message" most of the time.

I agree with this. I also think that they are “on brand” on the adultery sub as well though, one-upping each other’s bullshit.

I also think that they are “on brand” on the adultery sub as well though, one-upping each other’s bullshit.

Oh, for sure. The truth likely lies in between the 2 extremes. I certainly don't think that A sex is universally the "best ever" for all AP's. I also don't think it's universally "nothing special" or, "never better than with my BS". It's somewhere between the two. And sadly, like many highly polarized things, you'll never really know. Too many lies (in both directions) to have any idea of the truth. And, much as this will irk some, I also think that there's a large gender gap here between male/female experience of sex in an A. The "Coolidge effect" basically.

Whatever, they can laugh, but in the end, it’s them whining and begging us to stay.

Boom!

Well, now I'm curious and have to see if i can figure out how to read it. The descriptions you guys are giving are amusing me.

Well, now I'm curious and have to see if i can figure out how to read it. The descriptions you guys are giving are amusing me.

Better you than me! Let us know what you think after you get done puking up your breakfast.

Rideitout,

I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, yeah. I also think that maybe both things are true. Maybe, during the affair, they did think that they were having the best sex ever/found the love of their life/finally found happiness or whatever, and then afterwards, when "the fog clears", they see it for what it was.

I don't know if it matters. Either way, it's fucked up.

cocoplus5nuts,

Good luck with that. I was a little worried I'd send traffic their way with this post. Jut be warned that their bullshit is only humorous until you realize that they're fucking someone over, and then it gets depressing pretty quickly.

It's been more than 24 hours since I looked at that sub, and I'm already starting to feel less hopeless. I don't think it's worth looking, whether what they post is the truth or not.

I think that it takes a special kind of shit head to brag about adultery on reddit though

This is my thought reading this. I am not trying to play pristine here, I know the things I thought during the A. But, I think deep inside I knew it was all a pack of lies and I would have not wanted the denial to dissipate. Writing about it, reading about it probably would have made me face myself which was the last thing I wanted to do at the time. I ignored and avoided a lot. I am not sure the level you get to in a LTA, or as a serial cheater, or some of those other things if you can just get to different levels of callousness. I was callous of course doing it but for sure it's really hard to imagine going somewhere to brag about it. That is foreign to me.

Well I have never heard of Adultery Subreddit until this post. I looked it up and have been reading for two days now. It gives a clearer picture of my wifes affair (at least in my mind) than the toned down story that my wife gave me. According to her, the sex was nothing special and she could have done without it. She says that she just liked the attention. Reading subreddit has made my suspicions of her loving the sex and looking forward to it make more sense. It is painful to read, but I thing that I have a clearer picture of the reality of her affair after reading there. Thanks for your post.

“Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking”- JC Watts.

I have read over there also. I agree you get the unvarnished truth. The reason is it’s set up for the wayward spouse currently in an affair. You see how much they love the sex, and the extreme things they will do to get it. When you read there, it just gives me a huge pause. Most, but not all, in the wayward section here are now swearing the sex wasn’t so great, and the encounters just kind of happened.

It’s also interesting to see on the occasion that when someone on the Adultery board gets caught and moves to the surviving infidelity Reddit site, they say basically the same things that many of the WS here say. The sex wasn’t great and I want my BS so much!! These are the same people bragging on the adultery site right before D Day and things start crashing around them how hapless their BS is and how the sex with the AP is so much better.

Im sure there are instances here where the sex wasn’t so good and the WS here is honest, but I also think that many here are playing to a crowd of one, and the one is their BS who might be reading. Again, I hate to generalize, but I think the posts where they think their spouse will never see it has to be more honest

This^^^^^^^^^

It’s an unfiltered glimpse into who and what cheaters really are, before they must change the story after being caught.

Yeah, I went on it also. And OWs forums - so I could go in their heads and see how they operate. Always handy to know their modus operantis, since I had the pleasure to have it rammed it my face, courtesy of my (then) husband's girlfriend.

There are many James Bonds to-be with their OPSEC scheme. They are soooooo clever. Instead of doing something productive and useful, like, I don't know, fighting against terrorism or doing something about the ocean being full of crap, nah, let's screw my wife and kids instead.

I loved it that they encouraged each other! The more they blabbed on, the more info they gave out. So keep talking, people!

I stopped going on these sites, though, because it really screwed my head up. Everybody became an OW /OM so it took a while for me to regain trust that not everybody was like this.

Here is what I, personally, believe.

Anybody posting on either this forum or that one is trying to get something out of it. We as humans don't do anything without a motive, even if what we're doing is selfless. Even Mother Theresa probably felt good about what she was doing. The people on that forum are trying to get validation for their actions. Shoot, maybe subconsciously, the more exaggerated and aggrandized the post, the more like a POS the poster actually feels and so the more validation they crave - who knows? On the flip side, the people on this forum are trying to save their marriages (or simply woke up and realized they don't want to be one of those people from Reddit). These are all truths, from a certain point of view (said as Obi-Wan).

'The Truth' (TM) is really only a construct of any particular moment, and is defined by perspective and experiences. It's fluid, even if it's in the past. I was in love with my boyfriend when I was 19. Wanted to marry him. We said and wrote and did all KINDS of intense things to and with each other. It was a product of our perspective in THAT moment in time. Is it my truth now? Hell no. I cringe and could give ten thousand reasons why it wasn't really what I thought it was - but it was at the time, I guess? What does that matter to me NOW, though?

I think us BSes on this forum are so desperate for truth, after being the victims of some of the most emotionally crippling lies imaginable, that we end up like dogs chasing our tails - looking for some kind of absolute truth that will make it all make sense. So, which is the more 'true' representation of WS mindset, SI or Reddit?

Honestly? Both in equal measure. They can even be the same posters at different parts of their process - someone can be a Redditor posting about their awesome AP, and then that SAME person can later come to SI in 100% sincerity for help after they wake up to a different truth.

One last thing that struck me:

I know/have known, IDK, maybe 10 male cheats in my life. 0 have talked about FOO. 0 have talked about leaving their wives, their deep conflicts, their desperate situations or their unhappiness with life. Almost all of them have raved about sex with the AP(s).

That kind of talk serves the same purpose as the Reddit forum. Again, playing to an audience for validation - what they're telling you may be true to a point, but that doesn't make what they're saying a singular truth that exists in a vacuum, mutually exclusive from any other truths. There is no absolute truth (IMHO).

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 12:24 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

beauchateaux,

Well said. I agree completely with that assessment.

That kind of talk serves the same purpose as the Reddit forum. Again, playing to an audience for validation - what they're telling you may be true to a point, but that doesn't make what they're saying a singular truth that exists in a vacuum, mutually exclusive from any other truths. There is no absolute truth (IMHO).

See, I hate that entire line of thought. The "rewrite" after the fact of events that happened into something that either "sounds better" or is the right answer. I really strive NOT to do that in my life, and try NOT to let my feelings change my facts.

Case in point, before my W's A, she was by no means my "best ever" sexually. I could have told you who was, why, and what we did together. And who number 2, 3, 4, etc were. And number 2, in particular, was a shockingly bad breakup and just an overall evil person, stole from my family and friends, I mean.. Just awful. But she was pretty fantastic in bed, even though I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on her if she was on fire.

And see, I think that's the problem, I try to (and mostly do) hold things apart. I had great sex with people I really didn't like (even at the time I was having sex with them, not after the fact). It wasn't about feelings or my frame of mind at the time, it was about skills, anatomy, or some other concrete thing I could point to.

Do others think differently about it? I'm sure they do, in fact, I hope they do. But I also don't think I'm the only one who thinks this way, shoot, go read that Reddit, there's plenty of "he's so much bigger than my H" and "She's got such a hard body/tight..". It's not a emotional thing that gets a re-write, it's something about them that is especially alluring/attractive/pleasurable. I'll speak for myself here and say, this is probably "the" fundamental fear I had to confront from my W's A. I know there are men out there who are factually "better" than me in bed. Bigger, more skilled, more assertive, more experienced, whatever. Does that not factor in at all for women, or more specifically, my wife? IDK. Seems odd that it wouldn't because, as I said earlier, it's an easy comparison for me to make, but maybe not. Maybe her sexual experience with someone has little/nothing to do with skills/size/talent and is just entirely controlled by how she feels about him at the time (and then afterwards when it goes from amazing to nothing special).

someone can be a Redditor posting about their awesome AP, and then that SAME person can later come to SI in 100% sincerity for help after they wake up to a different truth.

"Awesome their AP is", yes, that could certainly change in the future, I completely agree there, because an "awesome person" isn't just a singular thing. It's a lot of aspects, and when the AP drops you like a bad habit, their "awesome" meter often goes down a lot. But "awesome in bed" or "made me do things I've never done before"? Can those things really change "after the fact"? IDK, they don't for me, but, maybe for some, they do?

And OWs forums - so I could go in their heads and see how they operate.

Maybe I am in the minority here but I. don't. give. a. FUCK how an OW/OM/OP 'thinks'. I don't give two giggly shits about what their motive is - they are broken garbage and not worth my time or energy. Granted I am divorced so I have less of an impetus to try to sort through it, but I can tell you one thing - if I find out a person in my orbit is an OW, they won't be in my orbit anymore. Period. I will not entertain cheating in my personal life ever again in any capacity.

As weak as I am in a lot of ways, thank you lawdy that I do not feel any need whatsoever to painshop.

ETA: Of course the above only applies to Op who KNOW they are messing with a married person. In those rare occasions where an OP is truly unaware, that is a different matter entirely.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 1:13 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

Had no idea this even existed. But not interested in looking it up either.

Thanks for the warning.

I will get back to little Buddha and read up on delusion 🙏🏼

Had no idea this even existed. But not interested in looking it up either.

Neither did I until the A. And don't, you'll be horrified.

The thing that kills me about this, it's the people on /r/a that are, in fact, the type of people who are available for and seeking out affairs. That's exactly the reason why, when I hear about "affairs for love" my head kind of blows off my shoulders. You know sites like this exist right? You know that there are guys there, right now, talking about how best to try to move from "just friends" to "closing the deal" and getting in your pants. In fact, there are places much worse than /r/a where they are talking about "The Dark Side" and how best to date and "plate" multiple women while still remaining married? Oh sure, that's not you, but is it your AP? When you enter into an A, you're self-selecting into a group of people who want to have an A. And some fraction of that group are spending their time trying to figure out how to have A's, how to get their "OpSec" tight, how to move as fast from "Hi" to the bedroom as possible, and how, after they get what they want, to "ghost" as easily as possible.

That's why it blows me away when you hear people talk of the great "qualities" of their AP. The only honest great "quality" that an AP can bring to the table is their looks and their sexual prowess. All the rest of it is very likely illusion, it's fake, in fact, it might be fake precisely for the purpose of getting you in bed. It's like so many WS's forget who they are dealing with, you're in a max security prison, everyone in there with you are rapists and murders; no, the guy in the cell over it's a "great guy, wouldn't hurt a fly", he's a horrible person who's destroyed lives which should be immediately evident by the fact that he's in the cell next to yours. Might he be a great card player? Or a great athlete? Yes, he might, but those aren't character traits, they are skills he has. Just like an AP might be fantastic in bed, that's a skill, not a statement of their value as people or their moral/ethical soundness.

It's like people take "great at cards" and turn it into, in their minds, "great person". The two aren't the least bit related, in fact, the might be inversely related. If you want a skilled card player, by all means, maybe the "cell over" is a good place to find one. If you want a good person, well, look elsewhere, which should be immediately obvious (but isn't to most WS's apparently!) by nature of the fact that this person is engaging with you to commit a horrible offense on your/their marriage. Their actions are directly PROVING that they aren't "good people" and yet, somehow, that seems to miss a lot of people.

Have an A if you so desire, but realize that you're jumping into the /r/a world, a world where it's entirely acceptable to post the things you read there. Oh, that's not you, right? But is it your AP? It was my W's, wouldn't surprise me for one second to know he's a poster there talking about the next "notch".