SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What were you thinking? I'm afraid even your user name is pretty disingenuous. Whatever you were thinking you were thinking that way for two and a half years. It would be more appropriate to ask yourself what you are.

In terms of telling your wife - you need to start to recognise that your wife is not in a consensual relationship with you and has not been all the time you have been committing adultery. Infidelity renders relationships non consensual. The person being betrayed cannot consent to anything, let me say that again, ANYTHING whilst they are being deceived. Consent for anything in the relationship is based on the understanding that both parties are honouring their commitments. You might want to think about whether your wife has consented to sleep with you whilst you have been unfaithful or whether she was being tricked. Consent requires that a person knows exactly what they are doing in all things. If you think your wife has the right to consent to what happens to her own body, then yes you really ought to tell her. If not, you might want to think what that makes you - really not the decent person you'd like to think.

Finally, your therapist is unfit to practise as they have advised you to keep your wife in what is an emotionally, financially and yes, physically abusive relationship...and if your wife suffers again with her mental health it won't be because of the disclosure but because of your behaviour and deceit. Perhaps I'm really heretical or something but to me deceit is abusive, not protective. Your stripper adultery partner is a drug and you are an addict. Both you and she have serious problems with integrity, empathy, compassion and decency as you have been happy to totally wreck your wife and children's wellbeing to get your ego boosts and kicks. If the stripper is the love of your life then do your wife and kids a favour and go to her. They will be much better off without you. If your stripper adultery partner is soooo wonderful then why have you stayed with your wife? Could it be that you want all things all ways for yourself and really don't care at all about anyone else? What were you thinking indeed?

And I'm sorry - one more thing about your therapist:

"First, I initially vetted her (my primary therapist) and wanted to make sure she was indeed pro-marriage (in non-abusive situations)".

Your wife is in an abusive situation. While she is being deceived she has no control over the most important aspects of her life - you are controlling her by deceit and you have exposed her to physical, emotional and psychological harm through your choices.

You might want to look up some definitions of abuse and share them with your colluding therapists:

Sexual abuse - any action that coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs - your wife did not consent to have sex with you when you were being unfaithful as she did not know what she was doing, neither does she know what she is doing now...You took away her right to determine what happens to her own body by deceiving her.

Physical abuse (from the victim's perspective) is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body - again your wife did not want physical contact with you when you were having sex with someone else - you did not give her that choice... and you are still not giving her that choice. You have put her at risk of life threatening illnesses - it's a form of assault. Would you want to be treated by a healthcare professional who knows they may be carrying hepatitis but who decides on your behalf they they're unlikely to give it to you and treats you anyway, or would you rather know, so you can decide if you want to have your health risked that way? Actually, would you want to have sex with your wife if she was sleeping around with other men? Would that be OK or would you rather know? Would you be happy learning that you've been fed condemned meat in a restaurant or would that make you feel violated and abused? Do ask your therapists these questions by the way...and maybe also, if they would want to know if their partners were screwing around and potentially giving them the clap - tricky one I know

Emotional abuse - One example only, there are many others I could give which relate to your behaviour. Again from a victim's perspective - 'Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior'. All unfaithful partners try to justify their behaviour by blaming faithful partners for shortcomings in the relationship as you have also done.

Financial abuse - Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge - you have spent money on your adultery partner which really belongs to your wife and family.

Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same - you have spent family money on yourself and your adultery partner and have denied your wife the opportunity to use money in the same way herself or my guess is, even to just have a nice time. Your wife (as I did) probably puts a lot of effort into spending money wisely and probably spends very little on herself while you are spending family money on another woman...

Sorry - these are all forms of abuse which are integral to infidelity and which you have inflicted on your wife. Unfortunately society has a huge blindspot in recognising infidelity as a form of relational abuse and many 'therapists' are no different. Nonetheless, it's not rocket science. You only need to think about what you have actually been doing and the penny starts to drop...

Spectacular entrance

Spectacular exit

I know that this is a dead thread, but ^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^just made me chuckle.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 8:09 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

These types of threads actually make me very sad. You have someone who first shows hopefully with the intent to work on themselves and their relationship. After a couple of posts, they just disappear. Worse still are those like the OP who go so far as to delete their posts.

I sometimes wonder why they do this. Do they really want to change? Are they afraid to? Were they just trolling us? Were they just trying to appease their BS? Whatever the reason, it’s truly a loss for everyone involved.

I initially thought this was a troll thread, but doubt it was as it was so long. It would be truly sad for someone to do that.

The OP was clearly in a bad place and not receiving the advice from IC that he needed. I guess he came on here to get support from us in the decision to keep it from BS. He, quite rightly, did not get that support. The majority of posts were firm and to the point. None that I saw were offensive.

Hopefully he is still reading and is acting on advice given. I doubt it, but hope he is.

FWIW, the OP has been on SI recently. Hopefully he is still reading & learning and will find a way to post again.

What strikes me about this thread is that at it's core, the wayward mindset is about denying agency to one's partner. It's about hiding the truth from another ADULT so they don't get the chance to vote with their feet. How in God's good name does the OP's therapist think he's going to cure himself of wayward thoughts/behavior unless he first purges the very foundation of it... the grandiose notion that he is somehow more capable to know what's good for his wife than she is? It sickens me that there are therapists out there with a license to practice who would collude on such a thing, because she's helping no one, not the victim she's conspiring against or the patient in front of her. It's straight-up malpractice.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:39 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Chamomile I couldn’t agree with you more. See my reply earlier about how great this plan worked out for my parents.

Ditto Chamomile

This post is so hurtful. As a BS I’m hurt and disgusted.

Also, in terms of financial abuse, the BS many times makes financial decisions, (loans, expenditures) on what he/she believes is the best interest of the two people in the marriage. He/she would likely not have made the same decision had he/she knows there was a third or more person in the marriage.

I signed for a loan on a water front property my ex wanted. He convinced me based on his argument that it would be a good place for our retirement, and for our son and future grandchildren to have access to.

I did not know that he and his whore were planning on dumping me within 4 months. It was actually what they wanted for their future. He just needed me on the loan.

Totally with you SusieLee - I took a job that pays a TON less than I could have been earning, when he was in year 4 of his 10yr PA.

It is beyond maddening gmc.

That reminded me that I turned down a good job at DoD, not long after I was hired. He didn't want me to take it, because there was travel involved, and of course he trusted me, but he didn't trust others.

Ass-wipe, was at it hot and heavy with his whore, and he convinced me to make a decision based on his needs. I made the decision because to me our marriage was more important than the job. I just didn't know it was a marriage of three.

You would think he would have been happy to get rid of me for a while so he could relax with whore.

You'd think our WS's would have been happy to let us pursue our dreams while they contented themselves with AP's.

But interestingly enough... They needed us as bad as they needed the others. .

It's food for thought. It doesn't make what they did ok but it does shed light into their mindset.

BW here. I just wanted to concur with others in that you wife will find out.

My WH had a "relationship" with a sex worker. Three years later, she sent me messages through social media. She knew everything about me, and bragged about the money my WH gave her.

It will come out. Guaranteed.