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Now that I’ve really grasped the marriage is over, I’m looking back. I’m angry that stbx never supported me like he supported his ow s

Examples- he told me breastfeeding was stupid and why did I try so hard when I’m too old to make enough (I’ve been pumping for 9 months and he has snide comments still)

2- When I homeschooled the kids it was always they won’t have friends! They’ll be weird!

3- when I told him I wanted a third baby it was because I was too lazy to get a job

4- I want to go back to school and get a PhD. That’s stupid. How are you going to do that with the kids?

For his ows he was so supportive. Sent them little love messages over text and email (I adore you, you are so Special to me, I love you, I can’t wait to grow old with you and have the grandkids come over ... MY grandkids. Over at OW’s House... in about 30 years )

Why could he never be nice to ME. I was loving and loyal for 20 years. Ow 1 was a slut and the office whore. Ow 2 is mousy and Whiney and when he flipped out on her for going to a covid hotspot she went to HR and said he was upsetting her and he ended up leaving his job because if her.

I’ve always been there. Loyal. Supportive. Loving. The two ow’s literally ruined his career. (After ow 1 he rebuilt a career in a new town. Now he shit that away)

And he treats me like dirt. Why? I guess it’s something inside him. That’s sad. He’s lost me and his kids (my DD hates him and won’t call him Dad- she calls him “your husband”)

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:41 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

My STBXH was a typical narcissist.

He could be very nice when he wanted something. If being nice didn’t work, he would get nasty. When nasty didn’t work he would beg, harass, lie and coerce until he broke me and I gave in.

With OW of course he had to be nice to get them to cheat. He would also give them the sob story of how I no longer showed him any attention after our babies were born. He needed someone who catered to his needs.

Now that we are separated and divorce negotiations are still going on STBX shows the same personality changes if things are not going his way. I am allowing my Lawyer to do my bidding. I can’t deal with him any longer.

I got my stbx to sign a post nup that takes care of any negotiations. I get life time alimony, I don’t have to pay any of his student loans, and I even got some of his family heirlooms. (He signed away things like his grandfathers wedding ring to me)

I guess his narcissistic personality paid off at that time, because he knew I wanted to leave and was being nice trying to do anything I wanted to get me to stay

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:12 AM, July 27th (Monday)]

Gotta, I'm following your story. I know you'll be better off without his negativity.

I wanted to address your question because I lived that life, too. I have asked him the same question "why did you have to be so mean to me while you were so nice to these women with no moral compass?" I've never had a satisfactory answer but have come to understand the following dynamic.

Do you know how your kids act like little jerks with you from time to time? They might have temper tantrums, or mouthiness, or any number of behaviors that make you want to scream back at them. Then you see other adults, in my case, teachers, telling me what a well mannered young man my son was. Meanwhile he was testing me on every issue. Literally, EVERY issue. They are rude to you because they know you will always love them no matter what. Those adults in their lives don't HAVE to love them, so they won't take the chance to be obnoxious.

Your husband and mine felt we were a sure thing. We MARRIED them. We were a PERMANENT part of their lives. We saw the skid marks, saw them vomiting, know all the gross sides of them. They are feeling bad about themselves and you can't help because you KNOW their secrets. So they feel comfortable being an asshole to us. I'll bet you had your share of love bombing after some of that verbal abuse.

These OW really, truly mean nothing. They are artifices. They are fawned over and admired in the high that comes from the forbidden. This is true in most infidelity, and I believe, doubly so when brain based diseases, bipolar, etc. are in the mix. Any OW is useful in this way. They keep the cheater from looking at reality.

And most cheaters are immature. They aren't ready to adult, to do what's needed to be a fully functioning parent/spouse. Asking them to participate as an adult invokes a childish reaction "It's not fair!"

I'll give you a small example. My husband and children taught/attended school in one county. I taught in another. Their school had a long spring break, about a week. I had Friday and Monday. Clearly, he'd be the primary parent for that week. I scheduled yearly physicals for that week, since no one would have to miss school. He blew a gasket. Wanted to know why "I" was planning things for him to do on his time off! How dare I ask him to do that!

Please try hard to get that image and those harsh words out of your mind, that you somehow didn't measure up. It's really their own twisted brains that has messed up.

I'll bet you had your share of love bombing after some of that verbal abuse.

Yes. I lived for those times, he was wonderful then.

They got less and less though

They are nice because its a stolen moment-there is no fulltime engagements ,no discussions of family finance all those things that bring disagreements in a relationship. I told my STXH that you think you are happy with OW but I am looking forward to when I am out of the picture and you can fully commit to her ...

His response"never i will never marry her" so I guess he knows that since she too was cheating on her husband she is not trustworthy"no honour amongst thieves"

Nonetheless I told him well you lost me in anycase you have to find another person who can deal with your bullshit....very similar to yours he would tell me how I could improve my English - both our home language is not English(so why pester me)

when I had a job that paid me well"I was too young to earn that salary",he would often say I should be glad I married him I should have married a supervisor"yet I have 4 qualifications and he did not even graduate from university " I never not once put him down about not completing varsity.

this is all done to make you feel like you are not worthy of them so you keep working hard and pleasing them and they shift goal post-narcissistic and devious behavior. I am glad I am done -I feel sorry for the next one as they never change ,I am his second wife (my 21 year old stepson told me he did the same to the mom 16 years ago)....

So don't worry the OW would get exactly the same behavior if they got married