SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a long post and Thank You to those who get to the end. I truly wrote it more for myself than anyone else. But I posted here instead of journaling. Perhaps someone needs to hear this today. Maybe it will give someone some hope.

After 15 months of brutal DDays, trickle truth, profound cruelty and neglect, false reconciliation, fighting, crying and him lying to me while supposedly coming clean, I never dreamt that I would ever come out of the first four stages of grief. For 15 months I have been on a constant roller coaster:

Denial: "He really does love me, it was just a mistake. He doesn't love her. He has every intention of rebuilding our marriage with me. He has to, of course he will. We're special." "He really is an honest man. He just made a mistake. I can trust him now that it's out in the open." And my favorites: "I will not allow infidelity to define us as a couple. You are not defined by your affair."

Bargaining: Doing the pick-me dance, and lamenting if only I could have been a better wife. Trying to BE a better wife while he continued to see his OW on the side, while in false reconciliation with me. "If I try harder for us, he'll see what a kind-hearted and forgiving wife I am and he'll see me for the treasure that I am." "If we go to counseling enough times he'll finally open up and we'll finally make progress." "If I just pray hard enough, he'll finally show kindness and remorse and we'll be able to reconcile." "If I just remind him enough times, he'll do the simple things I have asked of him to rebuild my trust."

Anger: So intense and overwhelming that it scared both WH and me. My anger was so tied up in my jealousy, I didn't know where one ended and the other began. Jealousy fed into anger. Anger fed back in to jealousy. It kept me awake for months. I thought it would eat me alive.

Depression: So bad that I asked my doctor for Wellbutrin. It has not lifted the depression as much as it has simply brought me back to baseline, so I could regain my equilibrium and feel somewhat normal so I could get out of bed and go to work every day.

And so now, here I am finding myself at step five, acceptance.

Acceptance didn't announce itself when it arrived, it quietly let itself in, sat down and waited for me to notice. And just this past weekend I noticed it.

And you know how I noticed? I felt a strange fear that my now-XWH was slipping away again, and I did not understand how this could be. I mean, the man is gone gone gone. As gone as he could be... The divorce is final. He's moved on with his life without one look back at me. He moved an hour away from me. He's in love with another woman now. We don't speak anymore unless it's about finances. Days and weeks go by when I don't talk to him. He doesn't miss me. He is checked out, abandoned me without an ounce of remorse, care or concern for me. The discard was cruel and brutal. He purposely burned every bridge. I mean, you can't get more gone that that, right?

So why then was I afraid all of a sudden this past weekend? Where did this unexpected fear come from that I was all of a sudden losing him again?

And then I noticed that I was also feeling an unfamiliar thing called peace in my gut and a calm in my heart and I knew then that I had arrived at the acceptance stage. And simultaneously, this fear lingered in me. I had to give it some serious thought and emotional investigation, and then I realized that it meant that I had finally let go of the denial, bargaining, anger and depression: the four last things tying me to him.

When I came to acceptance (or rather, when it came to me) these four last strings were cut and I literally felt him drift away. And it scared and saddened me, because even though I spent 15 months crying and raging, denying and bargaining, it kept me involved with him. Kept me in a relationship with him, as screwed up of a relationship as it was these past 15 months, it was still emotional connection. Sure, it was killing me, but while I was on that roller coaster, he was still mine and I was still fighting for him, for us, in some way.

My counselor told me months ago that I would have to prepare myself for the day when I will never see him again, never talk to him again. This advice scared me at the time. I think that fear from a few months ago is tied in somehow with the fear I felt this weekend.

I would say this is the beginning of the end. But more accurately, this is the end of the end.

I guess after 15 months of brutal pain, God said to my poor broken heart, "Enough. That's enough, my dear girl. You have fought long enough. I have counted every single tear. You are exhausted, I can see how exhausted you are. It's time for some peace, my beloved daughter. Finally, peace and quiet."

The fear is still there lingering and that's ok, now that I know what it's about. It sits side-by-side with this new peace and quiet I feel in my body, mind heart and soul. This very very hard-earned peace and quiet.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 5:39 PM, August 17th (Monday)]

Acceptance is a strange thing - but it's that stage that allow the rest of you to move forward. All those stages you described are tying you to the past - acceptance is the first step towards the future. I don't know when acceptance hit me precisely, but I do know the moment when I didn't look at my WH the same anymore (we are in IHC - he would now like to R, after 1.5 years of false-R, and telling me that he is done with me, not attracted to me, etc)...when he had lost his grip on me in that way that allows the intense lows of misery and pain along with the highest highs of love. Acceptance is freedom, and although I'm ahead of you on the timeline, I too hit the acceptance phase about a year ago (2 years post-d-day1), and I will tell you it is SUCH a relief.

I'm not a religious person but the same feeling of release applies to me as it does to you. About a year ago I was released from the past - I had processed it enough, tried to figure it out enough, tried to reconcile it enough, and went through most of the stages you describe and I guess I had just had enough. I had given up on trying or whatever and just ACCEPTED it. It gets better from that point - and much quicker than the rest.

If you've come this far, you can make it the rest of the way. I promise.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:24 PM, August 17th (Monday)]

Thank you so much for this reply. Very encouraging! I remember TRYING to get to acceptance. But for me, it wasn't an action as much as a peace and freedom that had to come to me in its own time (not mine).

God has been directing and guiding my grief day by day, I truly believe that. The last and worst of all of the DDays was one year ago on August 15th. Interesting how this realization came to me on the one-year anniversary. What a gift after so much suffering.

Like you said, it is such a relief. I'm feeling that relief and freedom from the past, as you say.

Acceptance is the last stage of grief, and it's also the first step into the future.

I'm sorry you were given that ticket to ride on the crazy train. I didn't have a narc to deal with, but I had a protracted grieving that went on for years, exacerbated by the passing of my mom in the middle of the divorce, and the fact that my ex desperately wanted to stay friendsies.

I had some use for him in that limited capacity so I let it drag on beyond what was healthy for me. It was the opposite of your situation but still agonizing and it left deep scars.

One thing we learn here pretty quickly is that healing isn't linear. There is no way out but through, and it sounds like you're on your way.

Big hugs.

healing isn't linear

So so true, FaithFool! I've had whiplash for 15 months getting jerked around through all of the stages, and then back around again. And of course, they overlap as well. :-)

There's a great book that helped me a lot - Journey from Abandonment to Healing. She describes grief as the bands of a storm that comes and goes through your life. If you visualize a hurricane from space, it goes from solid in the middle to little wisps on the outside. Even years later I still bump into a wisp or two.

Thank you for this book recommendation FF. I have seen it suggested here on our forum in the past (perhaps by you?)... It's going in my Amazon cart right now.

Thank you for your post.

It helped me realise that I had ridden that roller coaster backwards. I accepted that our marriage was over when I separated from him. Unfortunately my narcissist WH wouldn’t accept this.

So, like you, I spent a long time going through the brutality of false reconciliation. I am riding that roller coaster again, but on his terms.

I know Peace will come again 🙏🏼

Praying for peace for you, LadyG. xo

We betrayed spouses get to experience life changing events with emotions that those who were not betrayed can't even fathom, ever. At the end, we are soo much stronger, think differently about life. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. I'll never forget the stages but scratching and clawing my way out of darkness during it all, priceless for me. I'm a changed man, a little broken but changed. The world is in front of us all!

Louisianalisa, I think your post is painfully beautiful. I recognized the stages you described so acutely. Your words are very powerful. I will say that going through this grieving process as you describe gave me a strength and toughness that I did not expect. Out of the storm came this absolutely unshakable me who would never fear as she had feared before. I hope you find that same strength, "the rose that grew from the concrete."

Thanks everyone, and yes, we emerge stronger than we could ever dream we'd be.

My marriage brought me the three hardest things I have ever lived through in my life:

Child loss

Divorce

An IRS audit

Truly, these are the three worst things I have ever been through in my life. I know regrets are useless, but I really do regret getting married. With everything in me, I wish I could turn back the clock and undo that decision.

But I know now what I am capable of, and what is in me, regarding my capacity to love but also to stand up for myself in the face of tremendous attempts by my XWH to humiliate and destroy me. We are ALL stronger from this. We should all be amazed at ourselves!

You have survived some tough situations.

I always thought the last state of infidelity was forgiveness. But I agree acceptance is very important so you can emerge from the marriage or relationship healed and able to move on.

Thanks for your insight. May your future be all you hope it can be. You deserve it.

Louisianalisa, thank you for sharing. I also went through these stages, although the process for me was much faster. When I reached acceptance stage, it was a gift. I came to the painful realization that the man I had built my life around, the father of my children, has very poor character and integrity. The man I loved did not value me or respect me. I chose to move on! Acceptance helped me gain the courage to build a better life for my kids and myself. It was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish others could find the courage to make better choices instead of living in fear. Well done, Lisa. Yes we are stronger now. The things that try to break us down are often the things that build us up.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been in the denial /barging phase for almost 5 years. I just go round and round with a lot of depression. He false R with me for almost 2 yrs while seeing OW still and he now lives with the OW. He still comes to my house to see the kids and still wants to hang out with me and be physical but says we will never be what we were again. I know him doing this keeps giving me false hope and makes me think will if he is still with me he will never be with her fully. I am a codependent so I just can’t get to the anger. I wish my heart would catch up with my head so bad but I just want him to pick me and that sucks.