Sorry I haven't been around for a while. Was really trying to get myself mentally out of infidelity and my constant reading here wasn't helping that.....but then xWBF reappeared (see my post in General) and, well, I find myself here again as a safe space. I haven't told many people that we've been in touch again, and certainly not the details of what has happened. I feel ashamed, weak for capitulating.
What I'm feeling now is in NO WAY comparable to what I have felt. But it feels like a break up all over again. I'm so freakin' sad. I'm not going to lie, when he reached out after 3 months of NC, the hope bloomed again. That he had done some work. Some self reflection. That he was ready to step up.
But no. I'm not really sure why he reached out, to be honest. After making it clear to him last week exactly what I would need to even consider nudging the door open, it's apparent that he just doesn't have it in him. He just doesn't have it in him to step up for me and try to become a better man. And while I know - I KNOW - it's about him and not me and I know I deserve better, that old voice has reappeared....."why does he not want me enough to do that for me?" "Why does he not want to be a better man for me and for our relationship?" He's taken all the blame, all the responsibility, he has not put any of it on me - other than to say he did feel taken for granted towards the latter part of our relationship - but he just, he just doesn't have it in him. It's still about him, and not about helping me heal.
So going NC with him again feels like another break up. Somehow, this one feels more final. Like he reached out, I got hopeful again, but we've now both backed off, it's not as emotion fueled as last time.....and so it feels like this will stick. I don't think I'll hear from him again. I'm certainly not going to be reaching out to him.
So I feel unbearably sad. That's the only way I can describe it. I'm not despairing. I'm not wailing. I'm not even angry. I'm just so fucking sad that I want to crawl out of my own skin. The loneliness is really really hard for me at the moment as well. I don't have too many friends here anyways, and with COVID, it's really hard to see them. I thought being alone, moving during a pandemic, and having no human contact for four months over the summer was hard, but at least it was sunny and warm. Now it's cold and dark and I'm really struggling. No motivation. No drive. Just constantly bingeing shows, or mindlessly scrolling. I hadn't had any physical contact with anyone since July (when I saw my family) so when I got a massage a couple of weeks ago, I cried just to have someone touch me again. I've not had a hug or anything. And it feels awful.
I'm also right bang in the middle of affair season, and of course, the thoughts of "this time last year" are running around my head. I have the tools, I've been working so damn hard on myself, I know what I need to do to turn this thinking around. I know it will pass. I KNOW IT WILL PASS. But holy effin' heck does it feel hard at the moment.
I know this is a pity party. And I know it does me no good to stay at this party. But it's a Friday night, when he's likely going to his parents with his kids, having dinner, catching up, and then seeing his best friend who is part of his pod. He has company. He has chat. He has the kids.
I'm here on my own, once again having to suffer the consequences of his actions, and try to find the strength to push on through again.
I sick to death of having to be strong. Sick to death of it.