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A year ago my partner of 15 years started acting distant and pulling away. Very familiar story to a lot of the posts I've read on here. I was suspicious that she might be having an A and asked her outright more than once but she strongly denied it. Eventually she agreed to talk and gave me the ILYBINILWY talk and a long list of issues she had with me and the relationship.

I continued to be suspicious as she was keeping her phone close and angling the screen away from me. She was also talking almost non stop about a guy at work. I know all about this guy's terrible wife and what a hard time he's been having. I figured maybe she was at the beginning of an emotional affair and being drawn in so I decided to do the pick me dance.

We agreed to work on the relationship and as the year progressed we got closer and by New Year we were seemingly back in love and things were better than ever. During this time she mentioned she'd had an argument with her new guy friend and I didn't hear much more about him. Problem solved I thought.

Then in February this year I had a death in my family and had a lot of things to take care of. She became distant again and gave me the ILYBINILWY talk again and said I'd been neglecting her. We limped on but she was getting more and more distant and I wasn't able to do the pick me dance this time.

6 weeks ago was D-Day. I caught her

sexting the guy from work. She tried to deny it but I'd already seen the messages and who they were to. She started to panic and tried several different excuses but eventually confessed that they had become close and had been sharing photos but nothing more.

I gave her the NC ultimatum and she agreed. As it was a work colleague I said she must find a new job which she also agreed. We've been mostly working from home and so I said she shouldn't go into the office while she looks for a new job which she agreed not to do. The next day she got up and went into the office with some excuse about needing to be at a meeting.

My response to this was to tell her that it was over and she should pack her things and leave the house by the end of the month.

This is where things get difficult. She attempted suicide and was in hospital for a week. She's now living with her parents and is completely withdrawn, is unwilling to talk about the relationship, the A or anything else. If I speak to her she has a meltdown and shuts down so we're now NC.

This leaves me at a complete loss as to what to do. I'm really worried about her, still love her and would like to attempt to R but I've got many questions which I can't get answers to. The OM also has a wife who I want to inform but I'm worried what might happen if I do. All the usual advice seems to be difficult to apply.

I'm looking for some advice but I think all I can do is wait and see what happens.

Sorry to hear that you have to be here posting this.

Do her parents know about her affair? If not, I would tell them as it may help them understand what’s been going on and why it may have contributed to her suicide attempt.

I would tell the OM spouse. She has a right to know and decide her own future with full knowledge of what her husband has been doing.

In regards to your wife. I think she needs professional help to work on herself first before you can both even consider the future of your relationship. Use this time to rebuild your own life as best you can, get some IC yourself if you want it, eat well, go to the gym, see friends and generally get out of the house and mainly don’t be sitting thinking about her or what’s happened, it doesn’t help anyone.

Inform the other wife. ASAP. She deserves to know.

If your partner doesn’t want to discuss it with you or talk to you then you have very few options.

You can’t reconcile if one party refuses to engage.

She can hide from the affair and the damage and consequences but it is her pain and choices to deal with. She needs professional counseling and hopefully she is getting it.

As for you - maybe you need some counseling to figure out what to do to move your life forward. With or without the partner.

Give yourself a deadline. If she’s still not interested in talking to you then maybe you need to move on. She may be in some heavy medication right now and she’s not in a position to be able to see you or talk to you. Maybe it’s too painful for her.

But she made some poor choices and has to live with the outcome or consequences. I’m sorry all if this has occurred and she chose to attempt to end her life. Hopefully she will rebound from this and get stronger.

I wish you both the best.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:25 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

Her current melt down, is a mental issue. This needs to be dealt with by medication. Her withdrawal may be symptoms of the medication that she is on. Let her doctors know about this so that they can remedy/advise about it.

And I also advise to notify his wife.

This exact thing happened the night I left my exh. I don't know if you have children together, but I have children with my ex. He tried to hurt himself in the house, with the children there. We left and never went back. In my case, the safety of the children far outweighed the actions of their father. In my case, he's never accepted help to get better.

She sounds unstable and I truly hope she is receiving help for it. But please know that you are not qualified to help her. You may even be a trigger for her (I became a trigger for my ex). The best gift you can give each other is to work on yourselves. Despite what happens with the relationship.

You have now suffered 2 traumas. It's a big deal, please worry about yourself more than you worry about her.

DUK,

You wrote, I know all about this guy's terrible wife and what a hard time he's been having.

Chances are the OM has cheated on his BW time and time again to the point that she went crazy. Now the OM gets to claim that his wife is crazy and he is abused to get sympathy from women he is trying to seduce.

The story is usually told backward with the victim being painted as the villain.

I'm amazed women still fall for this sob story.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

DUK,

Please do his BW the kindness of informing her, a skilled OM is able to go for decades deceiving his BW and making havoc with BHs lives. Stand up and do the right thing. Thanks

must do, tell the OMW

I've got many questions which I can't get answers to. The OM also has a wife who I want to inform but I'm worried what might happen if I do. All the usual advice seems to be difficult to apply.

OMW deserves to know. Don't you think she has the same suspicions as you and dying to have her questions answered? You can't account for all the what ifs. If you think it is the right thing to do then do it.

I have recommended this on SI before. It’s an opinion piece about lying. It is by Jonathan Wallace In the Ethical Spectacle.

Also read a NY Times opinion by Anna Fels.

Both discuss why lying is so damaging. As long as you don’t tell the OBS you are helping her husband continue to let her believe a lie.

And why did your w try to commit suicide? Do you think telling the OBS will make her try it again? Why? What does her dr say? Every one hopes we know the truth about our lives. Yet, if you think this might send her over the edge again then there is more under the surface that we know on SI. Get the dr’s recommendation on how to proceed.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:56 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

What is their work-relationship? Are they at the same level or is one a superior of the other?

Thank you for the replies.

They work at the same level and until recently were on the same team.

Her parents know about the A.

I'm getting some IC and she starts hers in a week.

Some more information. She has been buying him gifts and seems to be completely obsessed with the guy. I'm hesitant to tell the OBS because I'm not sure how one sided this thing has been and I worry how WW will react if confronted by the OBS.

I'm hesitant to tell the OBS because I'm not sure how one sided this thing has been and I worry how WW will react if confronted by the OBS.

How would you feel if someone informed you about the affair earlier? Wouldn’t you thank the person for letting you out of your wife’s ILYBNILWY bullshit?

Telling the OBS is for the sake of her marriage (so that she can make a decision whether to R or D) and doing the right thing. You are just the messenger. You are just letting them know that already happened.

You cannot predict how OBS will react. But if she confronts your WW, it will be a hard reality check for her (WW) which she needs right now. Ultimately it is the consequence of her actions.

Tell the OBS, dude. Man up and do the right thing.

I know all about this guy's terrible wife and what a hard time he's been having.

How do you know this? From your WW? You do realize that almost every cheating married man ever describes his own betrayed wife as "terrible" to the married coworker he's courting for sex; and almost every cheating wife ever tells her BH that the wife of the dude she cheated with is "terrible." The oldest cliche in the book.

I can't think of a single thread here on SI where a BS regretted telling the OBS. Occasionally the BS finds it unfulfilling because the OBS isn't receptive. However, usually they found out that the person their WS described as "terrible" is actually a sentient, nice person who is grateful to hear the truth about what she has likely been suspecting.

You may also find out that what you thought was a sexting thing was actually a fucking or blowjob thing, with sexting to carry them through the apart times.

If you don't mind me asking, what acts did your WW take in her suicide attempt? Pills? Cutting? Other? How far along did she go before help intervened, and how did help intervene?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:51 AM, September 4th (Friday)]

I'm hesitant to tell the OBS because I'm not sure how one sided this thing has been and I worry how WW will react if confronted by the OBS.

Given the length of time and that they were sexting, I’d guess It’s not that one sided because she must be getting some reply from him. I guess you are worried that she might try suicide again if confronted by OBS, whilst that is understandable, you can’t let this other persons life be even more damaged because of your WW potential actions. As a BS she deserves to know and you can’t let your WW’s actions, again, cause her additional pain.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 5:51 AM, September 4th (Friday)]

So sorry DUK

Accountability and responsibilities.

First off please tell the OM wife. She has a right to know that her POS husband is cheating on her and outing her at risk.

Tell their work that there is a work place affair affecting two families. In writing to HR and the big boss.

Then with IC and doctors keep supporting your wife, she needs to get better.

When she is able start on the relationship then get into that side.

One day at a time

DUK

Tell the OMW what you know. Don’t use the words affair or infidelity. Just tell her what you know:

Your wife has been sexting her husband.

That they have exchanged pictures.

That your wife says they have gotten close.

That despite your request she not meet him she had gone to the office to do so.

That she has been giving her husband gifts.

Don’t mention sex or infidelity. Just state the truth. This is what you know.

If the OMW asks, then no – you don’t know if they have had sex but that in your mind what they have been doing is at least an emotional affair.

Always stick to the truth.

As long as the affair is over then you have time. Your wife is in a safe place and you encourage her parents to ensure she get’s the right treatment. At some point – maybe a month or three from now – you can meet her (perhaps with her IC) and decide if you wait, start reconciling or if either of you wants out.

I'm hesitant to tell the OBS because I'm not sure how one sided this thing has been and I worry how WW will react if confronted by the OBS.

You need to tell the OBS now while your GF is at her parents house and being watched over. Do not tell her you are going to do it. Just do it. I doubt very much this was just an emotional affair with pictures (they saw each other daily and lived close by). Your GF is going to keep on purseing the OBS's husband and you are helping to keep their affair a secrete. My guess is that as soon as you tell the OBS the OM will throw your WW under the bus and it will be over between them.

The OBS is going to find out at some point. It's cruel to make her wait. Who knows if this is OM first affair or if he is seeing other people right now... The OBS should know what it going on in her own marriage and make an informed decsion based on those facts. Please let her know.

I'm sorry you're here and know that we're here to help as much or as little as you need. Check in when you can and get out what you need. You will hear a lot of advice and much of it the same, there is a good reason for that so please give those suggestions some thought.

Many others will come through with more advice but I want to echo one thing previous people had mentioned, tell the OM wife. I wish more than anything someone would have come to me and told me what was going on. She deserves to know. Wouldn't you want someone to have done the same for you?

Continuing to shield her from her choices is doing her a disservice. This is like a bandaid that has been put over a festering wound - until the shit is cleaned out it's going to continue to fester for her.

Tell the OBS. You have no responsibility beyond that, but I do believe you should tell OBS.