SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 25 years since Dday and I still can’t forget about my wife’s affair. We still enjoy each other’s company, and love each other very much but I just keep getting flashbacks. I get emotional but i don’t cry about it. Yes, my heart still aches when I get triggered but I’ve learnt to live with it. I stopped discussing my feelings with my wife because I don’t want to her know it still hurts me. She senses when I’m down and will ask if I’m okay and I always make up an excuse for the way I’m feeling. I don’t want to drag her down! Does anyone else experience the same?

I don’t have that much time so I can’t fully relate. I think that at least sometimes, maybe not every time, you need to be honest. Simply say “I know it may seem crazy this far along but sometimes I am reminded about the A and I get sad... the pain is not there all the time (hopefully not even very often), but it’s just not entirely gone. It’s a bummer but I try not to dwell. I’m glad I felt like I could share that with you...”

How she handles that and helps you through it might make the triggers a little less over time.

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 12:17 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

None of us ever forget our DDays, it's become woven into who we are and how we basically relate to everything on our relationships. I'm 7 years out and some flashbacks I'm able to get over relatively well with no "down" time and others, I ruminate and go down that rabbit hole. That is the two sided sword of infidelity, we revisit and the offending spouses would prefer that we don't. I too don't say anything when I get triggered.I have written here under another post about how my WH can be such a horses ass by referring to some good times/experiences we have had - while he was in the throws of his EA's. There is never a brick big enough or handy when that happens...One poster here gave advice that you should let your SO know why you are in slump, that they deserve to know that you are hurting. Would work for some and not others. For me, I can't put up with the sulking 2 year old behavior when I divulge my feelings. The life of living with a Covert Narcissist. But information is power and I have done a lot of research on that personality disorder ( because that's what it is ) and believe me - it has given me back power over myself and my interactions that I would have never thought possible. Peace to you Rspec.

I think you need to talk with her about your feelings and talk with a good IC, too.

ETA: I know that sounds flip, and I know it's easier said than done. It's just that there's this issue between you, and the only way out that keeps you together is to surface the issue and work together to resolve it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:34 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

It's been 20 years for me and I'm in the same boat- and I'm remarried. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Rspec,

Did you get the details or were they swept under the rug with I don’t know or I don’t remember, this can keep a BH in limbo for a long time.

Do you feel that your WW never fell back in love with you or never felt passion for you in the same way again?

Did you expose or confront the OM?

I stopped discussing my feelings with my wife because I don’t want to her know it still hurts me.

I don’t want to drag her down!

That doesn't really solve anything, does it?

Maybe your expectations are not realistic. Infidelity is a significant trauma in life. I can't even imagine how someone could live through it and forget it. Our brains aren't wired to forget such significant life events good or bad. Reacting to your first sentence in your post I don't think you will ever forget it. And I would think when moments occur that there is a remembrance of a traumatic life event it would reasonably resonate in a sad way. Unless the reaction to the triggers significantly take away from the happiness that is in your life, I think it's just a part of reality. It has been 30 years for me I can't imagine being able to forget. Not because I'm angry or I'm holding on to things but such a traumatic and enduring series of painful moments don't easily fly away. I don't hold back from discussing with my wife when I'm particularly triggered. Maybe occasional reflection would help.

I think you need to talk with her about your feelings and talk with a good IC, too

.

I second sisoon!

Rspec,

it has been 30 years for me now. I still think about it from time to time. the triggers don't hurt like it use to.

The weird thing is it had been forgotten (rug swept) till 8 years ago. Then a trigger brought all of the old emotions back with a vengeance. IC helped put the demons in their place. I have come to the conclusion that even though we have a good marriage. It would have been so much better with out the infidelity.

I am saddened that I will never be able to fully trust my wife. Thats on me and it does affect the relationship in small degrees.

[This message edited by Sastrugi at 3:08 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

It’s like I have lived 2 lives and have 2 memories stored. One life and memories are before the affair, the woman I married, loved with all my heart, shared all my dreams, trusted with my life. She was so sweet, innocent, loveable, beautiful, and best of all she only had room in her heart for me. We had 2 beautiful children, worked hard together to save, invest, build our future. Everything we did, we did together for us and the family. We had each other’s back 24/7. Life wasn’t easy, but it was great because we had each other. How I loved reminiscing about those days. They brought so much joy to my heart. Then within a flash, reminiscing before DD causes so much pain. In an instant all those beautiful memories that where once a part of you, that made all the blood, sweat and tears all worth while are wiped. Something in your heart dies and you know it can never be fully resuscitated. Not even with all the therapy in the world. For me, that’s the worst part of infidelity. Now it’s all about moving forward. I know that and I get it but the heart doesn’t listen to reason.

but the heart doesn’t listen to reason.

Yep.

Read you back story. Given your WW’s propensity towards clinical depression, I can understand why you just shove it down. Sending her into a tailspin won’t help anything.

And really, what else could she say at this point?

Sad how decades of history and memories can be tarnished.

I hope you are able find some semblance of peace.

Remius.

Thank you for understanding.

How you holding up with all the lockdowns? My friends in Melbourne are not having fun with it.

Sydney is back to some normality. Business is good for us but there are lots of businesses and people in certain industries that are struggling. I also have friends and staff in Melb who are going stir crazy. How is it where you live?

Northwest/North America.

Somewhat normal. Lots of rules that make no sense.

Wear a mask while walking 5 meters to a table in the restaurant. Once you sit down, take it off. That kind of thing.

Glad to hear at least that is getting better for you.

It does suck how they got their fun, got therapy, and are now a better person and all....while we are left holding the bag.

I have cousins in NY so I get up dates on what it’s like living in NY city. They can’t wait until things go back to some normality.

Gumdropped.

Thanks for your comments, advice and sharing your experiences.

GTeamReboot

Thanks for taking the time to response and for your advice. I took your advice and spoke to my W today about my feelings. She was very understanding and as always has been very supportive and shows lots of remorse. I try and explain that I don’t tell her about the way I feel to make her feel guilty. I do it so I can share my feelings so I can relieve the pain. She understands my reasons but of course doesn’t feel my pain. Thanks again for your advice.

Sisoon.

Thanks for your advice, it was very helpful.