I can read what you're saying and see you beating yourself up. While owning what you have done is a must, this is not it. Beating yourself after a certain point it will prevent you from growing into someone else. The only thing that shame will do is cause you to fall into deep depression.
Have you done some research about shame vs. guilt? Do you really see yourself right now as the person you were during your betrayl, or has something changed?
I would bet that you are not exactly the same. If you truly want to change then start NOW.
Something my BS told me will forever be in the back of my head. I told him that he deserves better. His answer was: THEN BE BETTER.
Also a quote that means everything to me in my own current situation: Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Wanting is not enough, we must do. - by bruce lee.
Bottom line, stop and breathe. You can start NOW. Realize that there is ups and downs and there will be many fails. But every decision you make from here on out is part of the process.
I understand the shame. I was even very defensive just a couple of weeks ago... beating myself up seemed like the right thing to do. To punish myself - after all, I absolutely hate what I have done to my BS. To us. BUT, continuing to fall into depression and beating myself did not help my BS. Instead, he used his energy to try and help me in a way... (this is something I am also very ashamed off). Basically, even tho I had the good intentions, I continued to use the tools I had/ my old skewed up coping mechanisms. Self pity, needing others to feed me validation.
- it is very different from that vs. asking for advice. I did not realize this until I took some very harsh comments to heart.. those people that told me how I posted was for myself etc.- they were right!
I want to stress the expectations point: (I'm not even sure that expectation is the right word).
- More so: Are you determined to look at yourself critically. To not just destroy the bad parts but to lean into them and figure out why they are there in the first place? (people would refer to this kind of as part to figure out your why's). To me, it is actually to getting to know who you are vs. who you were.
After that, they more than likely will be replaced by good parts.
Wishful thinking does not imply that it will fall into your lap. More so, envision your wishful outcome of this. That is different than your goal.
Your goal must be about you. What you can control. Your wish can be R. It is something you do not control.
I know what you mean by saying "if that were true then I would not have done what you did", well, have you ever considered that you were not able to fully give because you were not even open with yourself?
I don't know you. So maybe I am totally wrong. But I am here to help and assuming the worst of you would not help anybody right now.
There is the need to wake up from that shame loop tho. It will only bring destruction. Once in a while you will fall back into it. But don't stay in that loop. No good will come from it.
You cannot demand anything from your BS. What you can do is decide for yourself what you want and need. But be careful, our thoughts are not always true. Our own brain is a master manipulator because it will automatically try to protect yourself... things seem counterintuitive in a changing process. That is normal.
Become the person you want to be. Start NOW to work towards your goal - as painful as it is, start now.