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I would like to look into spy apps, and tracker apps etc.

I am a WS and currently in NC with BS (per his request. Chance to R is slim but I am fighting)

While I am working on myself and really try to have my own progress as my goal (be better and a safe partner) as R is a gift that I do not deserve and BS would extend if that would be what he wants down the road..

However, IF he would choose R, I'd like to be "prepared" in regards of things I can do/ be proactive vs. reactive to build trust.

Part of that, while he knows I am more than willing to have trackers etc. on my devices, (and he has voiced it would be a must), I'd like to write some options down that I have then at that point researched myself. This moment of needing them may never come but IF it does, I'd like to be able to not just say: yeah I'll do whatever (even tho that is true) But instead have a list of options..

I have done some research already but it seems that there are a ton of scam apps etc...

Therefore, is there any apps/ programs or ideas you guys would be willing to share with me?

Rose,

Real simple thing is to set up your phone (assuming it is Android, but i think you can do same with Apple) to have location services on. This will track you everywhere you go, how long you were at a place, etc. you can also share your location history so you can be tracked in real time.

Kind of cool - it will pick -up that you stopped for a coffee for 21 minutes at location xyz.

Just type 'location services' in google to look up how do set it up.

I would like to look into spy apps, and tracker apps etc.

I am a WS and currently in NC with BS (per his request. Chance to R is slim but I am fighting)

search for MySpy and you should find apps to allow your phone and messages and even conversations to be "spyed on" by whoever you give access to your phone.

another thought is a tracker for your vehicle - check out amazon for OBD device - always on so remote location service for your vehicle always available

If you are "NC" - how are you going to provide to BS the how to track info?

I offered him previously to have access while in NC. He did not want that as he is focusing on himself.

I know that it will not change my behavior if I am monitored or not. This is more for his comfort if he would want this.

Again, there is a big: {IF he chooses R} to this,

I'd just like to have some sort of research and things to show that my words are not "just" words but actually have actions that follow.

If he would grant the gift of R, then he should not have to invest time himself to look up this stuff. As my research found, there is so many bad ones out there.. the least I can do is gather some actually "useful ones". If they cost, of course I will gladly purchase/ pay for them.

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 12:17 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Rose,

You know, no amount of apps will make your BH feel comfortable. He may even tire of wanting to look up where you are.

The fact is that you need to work on changing and fixing yourself and he will see that you are doing the work to improve.

My BW stopped looking at my phone pretty early on. She was exhausted. We both knew she could if she wanted to. The big difference was my become more open and demonstrating I was doing the work. After 25 years together she saw and knew.

It is kind of like when I read here about BS's wanting polygraphs and I think - if you need that then you have bigger issues.

An app won't make the difference.

Rose, throw caution to the wind and just open up to him and yourself. Life becomes so much healthier when you start to be honest all around.

These types of apps are useless if the WS knows about them. I get what you are trying to do here, but they will offer no comfort to him. You know they're on your phone. Its easy enough for a BS to believe a WS has left their phone at home,or work when they're really somewhere else. Or a BS will think the WS has a burner phone.

Spy apps and trackers only work for a BS if their WS has no idea they're there

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:33 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

MrCleanSlate,

I agree with you. However, I do think that especially in the early stages these "tracking/spy devices/apps can help a BS as a sort of control thing.

Opening up etc. is certainly part of my own work and progress especially in IC.

This is something BS had mentioned early on after dday and again, it may never come to this..

But, I think there is merit in being pro active and willing to do this. Honestly, I'd give BS a list of my researched programs, and tell him I do not want to know if or when he would install any of them.

It would be totally up to him. That is outside of my control and again, this is a big IF situation.

All I can do is my work.

HellFire,

I agree, and actually interesting you just said this as I was typing up the same thing in my response to MrCleanSlate.

I do not want/ need to know. It is just info gathering to give BS options if he would decide it is what he wants/ needs.

Rose2206,

I do not know your BH but if he is anything like me you may not want to share what you find in regards to surveillance or tracking technologies unless he leads the conversation in that direction.

I prefer having a partner and if I felt I needed to keep tabs on her I would not want to be with her.

Nothing wrong with having more information than you need but presenting it to him if he doesn't go in that direction may scare him further away.

Rose, gently, I'm a BS and if my fWH had come to me with a list of potential spy apps, my first thought would be that the WS had checked them out well enough to figure out how to outwit them.

It would have felt like one more way of him gaslighting/manipulating me.

Hope this makes sense.

fooled13years,

that makes sense.

He did mention it in the past.

If he would choose R, I will not just show him the list immediately, if he would verbalize that he would feel "safer" with this then I can say, okay I have kept you mentioning this before in the back of my head and here is what I could find so far.

While I get the "must trust" thing, I think every person is different and I could see that a tracking app or something especially early on in R could help a bit.

I am in no position to tell BS what he should or should not want.. the only thing I can do is work on myself and this is something I can look up and gather info on for him. Just in case..

My words are just that, words.. actions need to follow

Cornucopia,

mh I have not thought about this.. I certainly have not "researched any apps or stuff that well, just basically seeing which ones actually are worth the money vs. scams..

but thank you for your perspective! Maybe I should drop this thought.. it shows how different the perspective of BS and WS can be and how important communication is..

So, maybe I just leave this post here, will not look up any devices/ apps, and IF BS would choose R then he can see on here that I did think about this instead of me writing things down etc.

Honestly the more I think about it I think that is what I will do.

I guess I am just trying to be proactive in a way that shows I want to be transparent etc...

My BW told me she doesn't care about checking up on me, but I went ahead to install the app anyway, and gave her password to my phone, email, laptop, everything.

The app provides full history of where I go, how long I've been there, etc.

Even though she said she doesn't care but I know she checks the app because she has asked several times about certain locations I went to. However she was asking more because she was curious, not suspicious of something going on (I always text her before leaving the house to go anywhere, and those occasions that she asked about, I was driving my son to buy things that he needed so I think she was more curious about what my son was looking for than what I was doing). It proved that she does use the App because she knew all the stores I went to (I only texted her a quick message to let her know that I was taking my son to buy some stuff he needs but didn't say where).

She also said she doesn't care about checking up on me, but I noticed that she picks up my phone from time to time to look through it. I usually leave leave my phone by my wallet & keys in a basket when I'm home.

I voluntarily provided my BW with complete transparency even though she said she doesn't care to track me, and it turned out that she does.

Rose, gently, I'm a BS and if my fWH had come to me with a list of potential spy apps, my first thought would be that the WS had checked them out well enough to figure out how to outwit them.

It would have felt like one more way of him gaslighting/manipulating me

I agree with Cornucopia. What I would have loved to hear from my WH when I suggested a tracker app was "here's my phone. Do whatever you need to for your piece of mind."

Unfortunately, that is not at all what I heard, but it sure would have brought me some comfort.

I think you thinking so intentionally of ways you may be able to show some accountability to your BH is a really good thing.

BS with a different perspective....

This thread has prompted me to ponder how different we all respond to the decimation of trust after dday, and wonder what factors from the BS' side could be at play. I only rarely looked at my WH's electronics after dday. Like MrCleanSlate's wife, I found it exhausting and I knew -and told my WH - on dday that I did NOT want to spend the rest of my life being the marriage/infidelity police. However, when I did look at his electronics, I found info to show he was still not being honest, still looking at porn (albeit relatively mild), etc. So maybe that's a factor (tho I'd argue that was a factor coming from the WS and not the BS' own baggage that arrives in full force on dday).

Yet, even tho I was clear I didn't want to be the "A police", I would have welcomed my WH offering to do spyware and researched it himself, esp early on. To me it shows initiative and willingness to be an open book. IOW, it's not so much the actual spyware, but all the thought & intention behind it (and I'd probably trust him on that front bc he's a dinosaur when it comes to electronics).

It is kind of like when I read here about BS's wanting polygraphs and I think - if you need that then you have bigger issues.

Not sure what "bigger issues" is supposed to mean.... personally, I didn't think about it much or seriously consider it until I learned that polys are widely used among CSATs, whether the WS is SA or not. And I suppose my WH's lack of candor in answering questions or doing a written timeline as well as my own trust issues starting with FOO factored in. As I learned more about infidelity, I wish I would have demanded poly & spyware IMMEDIATELY, because not every BS comes to the dday table without pre-existing trust issues and not every WS will, relatively speaking, quickly

become more open and demonstrating I was doing the work.

That can take a LONG time for some WS - who still are able to ultimately "get it" and successfully R.

Or, maybe it's just a long LTA thing - that he'd lied for SO long it felt foolish and naive to think that what he was fessing up to was the whole story.

Or, maybe I'm just crazy

ETA: Wondering about the "verify" part in "trust but verify" that we hear on SI all the time... IOW, isn't the spyware or polys or whatever the verify part of that concept?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:36 AM, September 25th, 2020 (Friday)]

Those are only as good as the users. Ask any teenager who's parents have one.

LOL Chaos - hadn't thought of that one :)